So it turns out that no matter how much you think you know what drives certain circumstances or relationship behaviors in your life, sometimes it takes a while before it clicks enough that you can actually change that energy. One of the issues I was urged to purge this past week has to do with the reason I rehearse all kinds of angry thoughts in my head. I would be angry at someone for how I thought I was treated but I didn’t say anything at the time, thinking it was just me and I would breathe into it and all would be well. Well it is true that the source of the anger is within me but I generally ended up submerging it rather than healing it and then eating sugar and fats to numb out. I spent a day last week so immersed in that anger that if even the slightest bit of it comes up now I feel sickened. Luckily so much of it came up that I had a breakthrough.
I was thinking of a certain circumstance again (just one of the many) when all of a sudden I had one of those lovely perspective shifts. I was angry because it was so difficult to work with a certain friend and the only reason I was working with her was so she could have some extra income, but I thought she wasn’t appropriately grateful nor did she support me in the work we had to do at all (as a matter of fact some things were actually harder because she was there). It came up again last week even though I haven’t worked with her for 8 months or so. However, it was the thought in my mind when the aha moment hit.
It turns out I was/am angry because I chose to continue giving her some work even though it wasn’t comfortable working with her. I am angry that I lessened my income when she makes a lot more than I do overall. I am angry that I was looking for some validation from her (actually I was angry she never validates me and angrier that I still want it from anyone). I was angry because she only talks to me when it fits her schedule but I will sit and wait for her phone calls, postponing my own errands or fun time. She never asked me to do any of this and I am not sure what her expectations are around it, and my relationship with her isn’t the only example of this. The issue is MINE and the choices were mine to make. It was the expedient way to handle abusive parents and so I have continued the patterns (I am sure I chose those specific parents thinking if they abused me enough I would finally break free of this victim/rescuer/codependent behavior – well I am, just a bit later in life.)
So after doing a lot of self-forgiveness work, and getting help from some healer friends, I declare that I am taking care of myself and I am loving myself. I know I am worth it. This victim energy is over - especially where I still think I have to make everyone else happy in order to get small bits of support/comfort or income (or what passes for love), or where I need certain people do to certain things in order for me to feel ok. O-V-E-R.
It is beyond time to stop pretending I am powerless even as I expand into my god consciousness in this human body. The best part is the inner calm after months of pressure building and what felt like a big cataclysmic purge last week. What a way to end the year.
So after all the inner drama and fear that came up around my guidance to move, that I shared in recent blogs, I started thinking. (Not sure if that was a good thing but it happened.) Do you know sometimes intuitive guidance comes to you just to trigger an inner change? Did you also know that it often presents itself a certain way because of inner limiting beliefs?
In my case the deeper message seems to be go inward more than I have been, to lighten up my vibration even more. In my experience I have more space to do that in Arizona because it is hotter there so I am more sluggish and less active, there are less people so it is psychically quieter and I found it quite boring (because of my interests and tastes in a certain way of living) compared to where I have lived in California. When you combine that with the fact that I am very tired of how hard I have to work to earn the most basic amount of income here in CA and that recently my deep connection to the ocean seems to have dissolved, it is no wonder my mind interpreted the call to go deeper as it is time to move.
AND it may be time to move.
I am just exploring what I know to be true from my experience about intuitive guidance. I am also making sure to focus on my expanded awareness (higher consciousness) even while I have made plans to meditate more. If and when it might be time to move everything will line up in my physical life to make it happen. Whatever is the true cause of all the fear that was triggered is already revealing itself (and it has nothing to do with a physical move) and will heal as time goes on.
As you lighten up and move into higher vibrational living your focus stays in the present moment more and more and you generally heal enough that you won’t be as controlled by your ego or your inner emotions as you were at lower vibrational living. However, you do become more childlike in that you don’t hide those emotions either. All the ‘rules’ you have been taught about how to act or what emotion to show or feel fall away. You become who you truly are– a complex aspect of God in a human body. So you may be happy one moment and sad the next. You can be soulfully moved because of the most innocuous interactions or the tiniest of things. You can do all of this and not be lost in the emotions because they flow so easily.
I have gone from someone so controlled by my emotions my mind couldn’t get a word in edgewise (in spite of my fierce intellect) to someone who is much more in the moment- emotionally and mentally. That means what feels like panic one day can lessen into confusion or resentment the next and change to acceptance the next day (or it can all happen in moments). I have been guided for years to share my processing and lightening quick emotional changes so that others can become more aware of their own complexity and, perhaps, come to some level of self-acceptance. It is also very helpful to know that the spiritual growth process is not a linear one free of detours or obstacles, which you might believe if you read some people’s writings or channelings.
Unfortunately, I know by now that when I share I trigger other people’s judgments, including the need for some of them to tell me I am doing it wrong or am overreacting (or give me unasked for advice). Most of the time it is ok because I do my best to follow my own guidance no matter what anyone else thinks or what the accepted behavior is in this society. Yes, sometimes it annoys me, but that feeling passes pretty quickly too.
Being in the moment isn’t a way to control anything; it is a way to allow everything. The more present you are, the more authentic you are and the smoother your spiritual awakening will proceed.
I am being intuitively guided to do something (move) even though I know that I don’t have to do it. The dilemma is that guidance to make a change usually addresses what is in my highest and best good given whatever is going on inside of me rather than what is most comfortable for me as a human. Moving will assist with more growth and expansion of my consciousness in a way that will either be difficult here or much slower, but I am finally getting some momentum with a basic level of income needed to survive here (after 3 years).
The choice is getting harder to make to follow what is in my highest and best good as I grow weary of this struggle to maintain a comfortable human life on the physical plane of existence, especially when guided to move. There ARE days of wonderful sacred joy, but the gap between that type of energy and what I feel in my everyday life is painful and getting worse.
I had hoped the gap would be bridged by now and I am sure that is part of my purpose here on earth – to bridge that gap and continue to integrate the highest vibration of me into my body. However, I have not done it and I am not sure I can. For some reason, my growth has involved a lot of releasing (i.e. loss) and not a lot of replenishing with outside comfort, companionship or prosperity, or enough inner acceptance, love or sense of well-being. I am sure it has to do with my inner beliefs, lineage and whatever I am here to do because I see others expanding/opening while they have families, prosperity, health etc. I have not yet been successful in creating any kind of balance.
I know I am not alone in this which is why I feel comfortable writing about it. Usually this feeling of weariness lifts pretty quickly as I do some inner nourishing but this time it has been sticking around for a couple of months. I am also finding the channelings from others about future wonderfulness as well as my own intuition that things in my life will get better NOT COMFORTING as I have heard and read it all before without noticing that wonderfulness in my own life, no matter how positive I think/act or how much I appreciate what is here now. On a more positive note, I have come to the point of less attachment which creates less stress, and I do have more moments of inner peace but my physical life doesn’t get easier. I just handle the discomfort better (most of the time).
So what to do? Well I am just continuing with what I need to do to survive financially, trying to meditate and pray more, and I am kinder to myself when I seek out distractions (usually through books and movies). I know some insight will come and I will love up all the inner hopelessness and wondering what the heck I am doing here anyway, and move on. I think I will also focus on making more art.
Two days ago I was feeling very peaceful about finally letting go of the resistance, which had been building up for a few months, to allow the intuitive guidance to move to come to consciousness. Yesterday the fear and anxiety hit.
Now keep in mind along with the intuitive guidance about this move came intuitive reassurance about how it would be different than the others, how I would be supported and it would be easier. Also, I wouldn’t be moving for another 6 months, giving me plenty of time to line everything up. Apparently my mind and little inner child decided they (we, I) don’t believe that. Yes, even as I write that I am aware of the absurdity of picking and choosing which part of the intuitive guidance I decide to believe, and the fact that I still have doubt after all these years, but I guess it is an opportunity to heal some more inner fears and release long held beliefs.
I thought when I moved to southern CA that I would be here the rest of my life. Then I went deeply into some inner healing and expansion that changed everything. Now I know I moved to CA partly because I couldn’t accept that I would not be creating a spiritual healing business in this life and I needed a break in my environment to grow into that understanding, and to accept that my focus here on earth is about enlightenment only - not getting a partner, not having a certain way of earning income, not having a certain number of friends etc. Those relationships and circumstances may occur but they are not my focus no matter how much I want them to be. My path for that seems to involve total focus on a lot of conscious growth and integration, rather than doing it in the background while I try to have a life similar to those around me.
Then the wondering about this move started rumbling around inside of me– is this just like the other moves? Will I get there, get comfortable with being there, finally get some income flowing and then have to move somewhere else? Is it a move just to stimulate more growth and I will move through acquaintances and relationships just like I have in the past, and then be guided to move again? Is this just my ego talking because I am feeling rather stuck and bored (i.e. done) with Southern CA? How can I move this time with no financial resources to make it happen like I had for the other moves and when I am so tired from trying to scrape up jobs to survive here? I can’t tell from the emotional and energetic place I am in now. I am hoping my upcoming visit to the new area will help me out with some of these answers. What I do know is that if such a large part of me is happy about moving and feels in alignment with it, and it is, and I choose NOT to move because of the fear, which I can do, then things where I am now will get harder and harder until I make the choice that brings me back into alignment with my higher purpose/good.
After a restless night during which I took a lot of Rescue Remedy (Bach Flower Essences that REALLY help me ease emotional turmoil), I am
more accepting today; not necessarily back to being at peace, but more accepting. The funny thing is that I knew I have been obsessing about the new area since September, but I didn’t put it all together because I was conjuring up this fantasy that I would only move after I met a partner and it must be that he had a house there. When I got over that, and, with the help of several healers and more Bach Flower Essences, I was able to clearly understand my intuitive guidance.
So my prayer today is for acceptance, alignment with my commitment to deep integration of my higher self and receptiveness – so I will be open to all the support that is already lined up for me.
Here I am, another Christmas alone. This year it is a blessed relief as I have either been too busy to sit still or too wound up to relax. Today I am doing both, and meditating. As I reflect on this past year and the years leading up to this one I am aware of the steady improvement in my life. There is now a certain basic income level that ensures I won’t be living on the streets (vastly different than many of the past 11 years), some lovely friends that are consistently supportive, and an ever-expanding awareness of the inner trust and allowing that is leading to an ever-improving attitude and energy. I also have a strong intuitive feeling that more community and a life partner is also on the way.
After everything I have been through I am doing my best not to be attached to these observations or intuitive future information. But today, when it is sunny, warmish, clear, and quiet, because so many people are home celebrating a holiday I do not identify with, I believe in the possibilities. I can very clearly connect with the quiet contentment inside and the patience and trust to allow it all to unfold.
Who knew I would ever use the word patience while referring to myself? But as the trust grows so does the patience. What a serendipitous gift!! No future tripping, or past regretting right now. Just being in this moment, knowing that all this inner work has had some positive effect and that it could create even more. Plus the hope that it will.
All is well.
WOW - fear is amazing and seemingly neverending. Each time I get ready to transition to a new level of being I experience fear. This time I have been experiencing it for a few days and I DON"T LIKE IT!!!! LOL!!
My mind has been using my computer and income woes as a distraction but I know that is not the source of my fear. I have even been trying to latch onto the fact that my best source of spiritual assistance from another human is gone. I know THAT is not the source of my fear either. Actually I have been so supported financially that several people have stepped up with money to help me out and I am still afraid and cannot calm down.
What I know is that this is a huge step for me - moving completely into trust and living all the way in the present moment. I am being asked to be the expanded being I have been flirting with for years without having any of the help I thought I needed to be able to do that - no consistant income at a level that actually works for me, no closeby friends or community, no partner and not even good health. And I am afraid. I had a beautiful breakthrough the fear last night where I became so clear about how I am trying to redirect the fear (to the income issues I mentioned before). I also felt it lessen to a tolerable level but I am still expierencing it.
I do know I will get through this and come out of it feeling fantastic, appreciating god and life even more than I ever thought possible. But for now I am noticing and appreciating that I am afraid AND I am still allowing the expansion and opening to continue.
By the way please don't write me to tell me not to be or feel afraid - that is kind of silly (and irritating) and if I could I would, and when I can I will.
Balance is an interesting issue. Most people opening to their authentic selves do so over time as an aside to working, relating, perhaps raising kids, or perhaps going to school. I function the opposite way. My primary focus is on spiritual awakening and the rest fits in between or with that. We talk about balancing the spiritual with the mundane every day world but is creating and maintaining balance really the question? Maybe while you are new to this awakening process or in the middle of a particularly painful process balance can be something you have to create. However, as time goes on and your resistance fades there is nothing to balance because there is no separation between your authentic self/spiritual awakening and your every day life. We sometimes forget it is all connected energetically. As you allow your awakening to deepen and progress you notice more and more how your every day life is also infused with the same energy you experience within yourself. For instance, I finished a re-birthing last week and re-discovered an incredible quiet and peace inside. Every day after that when I went anywhere I noticed how quiet everything outside of me seemed. Now I live in a very crowded area of northern San Diego County. I have always been sensitive to how noisy it seems to me after moving here from a much quieter, less populated, area. But what do you know? As soon as I quieted down inside, it seems like outside is much quieter too. I know the weather didn’t change, the shoppers and drivers didn’t change, nor did my neighbors change. I changed. And that has made all the difference (to lift a quote from one of my favorite poems). Purposely seeking balance occurs when we are unhappy with what is and are not letting any changes flow from within. You can impose your will and try to make a balance but there will always be some aspect of controlling going on and that tends to drain your energy after time. If you are like me, you then rebel and/or get all upset about it. If you allow the balance to come as a result of your inner shifts in energy/attitude it will seem more natural and acceptable in the long run. You will also be able to experience more flexibility in your every day life.
When you move deeper into loving yourself all the deeply embedded beliefs that detract from that self-love are exposed for healing. That is pretty much how this ascension path has been for me. What is funny is that I am still surprised when I find out just how a belief can control and permeate everything I do, even when I am not aware of it.
I am noticing that when someone complains about the results of something I do or is angry at me I still react first with protective defensiveness then anger, even if I logically know I have done the best I can and 98% of the time their reaction has nothing to do with my actions at all. This comes from lifetimes of trying to please others so I won’t be hurt and playing so small (to fit in, to get a tiny portion of acceptance and love, etc) that I forget how powerful I truly am. I also persist in believing that if I do a good enough job, I will be liked and everything will be ok.
I recently cleaned a house, after which someone complained that the floor was not clean. The person was angry at being held accountable for breaking something and needed to lash out. Additionally, I was specifically focused on (i.e. worried) about the floor when I cleaned it so I moved all the furniture and spent a great deal of time on it. I absolutely know there was nothing else I could have done better. Yet I still reacted with that sick feeling in my gut then got angry and tried to defend myself. I didn’t react as strongly as I usually do, showing how much I have grown, but I did react enough that I could not get to sleep until very early in the morning.
What I know now is that my worry manifested beautifully and it reminds me to pay attention to my thoughts and emotions when I clean, or do anything. I am also aware that, once again, my higher/inner self will use any situation to promote my growth (because of my passionate commitment to embracing my true/authentic self in this life) and I am getting to revisit on a deeper level this behavior and energetic pattern that no longer serves me. I am loving myself and beginning to believe that love will manifest in beautiful support in the form of friends and community (possibly even a partner), ease in my life, and effortless abundance.
Right now I am being inspired to continue with some heavy duty internal shifting and integrating it into my every day life. I am also still in the beginning stages of learning what true abundance is – the ability to do what I am intuitively inspired to do only when I am inspired to do it and trust that it will happen because I am intuitively inspired to do it (regardless of any perceived obstacles, like no money!!).
Other than that - I am lost. I read my favorite channelers’ information and I don’t find myself – except for any references to digging deep to re-align or heal even the smallest thing that needs to be changed. I don’t feel called to begin a center somewhere, I have not found my community in my city (I have connected to some online), I certainly am not one of those people who is going to be making a soul match to bring in another little soul on to the earth, I am no longer called to work with the earth grids (or very infrequently), and I am not being intuitively inspired to create new ways of learning methods of energy healing or to write any books or manuals. I am not earning enough income doing what I love, which is helping others in their ascension process. I don’t even want to make art, which, if you knew me, would be a very clear sign of some big shift. I do see some very small outer changes with my income but only because I am willing to do so many jobs that mean nothing to me, some of which actually cause a lot of pain in my body.
Lots of nots.
Am I complaining? Well, yeah, but I am also grappling with the disparity between my incredibly intense and fun spiritual/energy life and what the heck is going on or will happen in my every day human life. I have no idea right now.
Right now. That is the focus for me these days. Right now I am continuing some profound healing and shifting. Right now I am very aware that I need a lot of rest and I am doing my best to allow it. Right now I am embracing even the parts of me that yesterday I couldn’t stand. Right now I am opening my lower chakras even more and integrating all of them beautifully. Right now I have changed the way I manage one job so that it is easier for me (the one that hurts my body). Right now I am loving my body a lot and accepting that, for right now, I have some health issues that must be managed. Just for right now I am trusting that I am more accepting and more loving and therefore my life can only reflect that (even if I want it to reflect it RIGHT NOW).
And that is all I can do and all I am being inspired to do (except write about it).