Part of integrating my spiritual awakening into my every day life is accepting what is and getting used to dashed expectations. I would say getting used to not having expectations but I am not there yet. Before I went to the ashram I tried and focused and intended to release any expectations of my time there and the results that would come after. I was not successful. The truth is I have been disappointed because I wanted definitive and specific answers about certain parts of my life. I felt so stressed, hopeless and directionless before I went. I especially wanted clarity and direction in how to attract enough money to live on and certain other things but the money piece was the strongest). I wanted a big release of some sort and the dramatic reveal (as they say on tv). Last time I visited my monk friend I got very specific direction about moving, and a lot of answers about my health and my dad’s death. I wanted my experience to be like that again.
The answers came in a different way because I have grown and integrated a lot since then, because I am allowing myself to expand beyond duality, and because I am becoming the intuition I used to seek. No longer do I necessarily have the answers show up in my head or hear a voice or psychically see a picture. Now I act according to the perfect alignment of my higher self rather than get the info and then have to choose to act accordingly. Most of the time I automatically think and take action based on that alignment without needing to dissect or analyze it. I am in transition so it isn’t all the time but I do notice the difference.
I even sat down this morning to write about how I didn’t get any answers and I couldn’t do it because it was not true. I have been integrating information since about 4 days BEFORE I went to the ashram all the way through this morning. There seems to be an automatic constant course correction happening within me also to keep me in alignment. My thoughts are even changing. A complaining or worrying thought is instantly followed with the reminder that it isn’t true and then a list of examples of how changes are occurring play out in my head. I am not consciously choosing to correct myself, it is happening.
So no big huge specific instructions about direction came to me such as what to change or what to start (what classes, how to find a job etc). But let me list some other ‘answers’ to give you an idea of what I am talking about. See if this helps you when you are seeking.
1. The stress, panic and worry about money dissipated providing an opening for it to actually manifest in my life.
2. I was given the exact day my integration would be complete 2 weeks ahead of time.
3. I had a vision about my future and what would definitely be included (had nothing to do with money but addressed some other desires).
4. I just knew it was time to find a new home for my cat and the perfect person emailed me within hours. She is coming over this week to meet him.
5. A new client showed up who was referred to me and who has referred 3 new people to me already (in just 4 days).
6. I opened to heal a previously hidden aspect of my food addiction and shame around it.
7. I am able to hear others correcting me and not blast them (a HUGE change). I can calmly evaluate what they say and determine if there is validity or it is just their stuff. I was even able to allow someone to help me who usually triggers me badly. She was the exact right person to help too.
8. I am able to actually relax during the day rather than constantly looking for activities or entertainment to fill up the hours.
9. Through my grief over some information I received during this time about a very close and beloved friend I have been able to address my fears around my ability to create and maintain close friendships in the future.
10. Even when I descend into complaining and the old worrying, I come out of it within a very short time. It does not linger for days.
11. Every day I have been back home has had at least some time where I felt sacred. It is easy to be calm, centered and meditative with that feeling all around me.
So I got plenty of answers. Just in a different way – a more gentle and thorough way.
The truth is that I just don’t care about a lot of things these days. I guess it would be more precise to say that I am trying to get used to the widespread detachment that has occurred as a result of all the processing.
For the past 2.5 months I have been on a very focused journey of bringing all my intensely desired metaphysical changes and expansion into the physical world. I am very happy to see that it seems to be working. I have more clients, I feel like it is time to get out to meet people, I am back walking again, and I am tapping into my inner peace more consistently and effortlessly. There is an interesting side effect that I am also experiencing – a widespread detachment.
For instance, I have a yahoo group (down2earthspiritstuff) where I share channelings I and a few others write as well as occasional articles about my heart opening/spiritual awakening. I have not written a thing in a long while for that group. This month I find that I am not really keeping up with the blogging either. I also am not in a hurry to make any art or do any overt marketing for my business or to look for a job. I am aware that two very dear friends might be leaving this world this year and while I am sad I am not overly traumatized because I am so detached.
The concern began on Friday. Am I distracted or drained, wiped out from all the processing or in denial about what I need to be doing? Was I doing the writing only for marketing purposes or to feed my ego? Seriously, am I fooling myself because I don’t feel inspired or driven to do much of anything these days? How do I make myself do anything when I am this detached to any outcome at all?
I am expecting inspired action to happen, i.e. action born from intuition or wisdom. Overall there isn’t much of that happening either – or so it seems to me. I don’t have any answers – just wondering today about it all. Since I don’t feel guilty about it all or anxious I don’t see any point in doing anything differently. I just find my mind trying to worry it a bit because it is a new pattern of living for me. I also think we all have periods of ‘down’ time when it is not prudent to do anything, to make any decisions or take actions towards new goals (or to even have goals). Sometimes when the shifts are big or deep it takes time to fully detach from old patterns/actions/events/internet activities and sometimes that period of detachment is important to provide metaphysical (and physical) room for the new possibilities and activities. Also my hunch – not sure if it is a knowing yet – is that I have laid the foundation for a lot of movement in my physical every day life and now I need to be still so it catches up with me.
Another beautiful and moving after affect of visiting the ashram occurred for me this week. Some very deeply held heavy energy was unveiled to me and healed.
Last Sunday a mass of heavy energy was lifted that was connected to the depression to which all my family members all seem to be subject. I actually thought it was part of a new guide that was revealed to me on the way home from the ashram 3 weeks ago (wow, has it only been three weeks?) but something about it kept nagging at me. I knew something was off because my eating habits were indicating a problem even though I couldn’t locate it. I always get into food addiction mode (as I call it) when I am not conscious of something bugging me. Finally, I woke up Sunday morning knowing that the energy needed to be released and after focusing on it throughout the day, it lifted.
Then, 3 days later a part of me that contained a lot of anger and resentment, an emotional part that was like a young child having a tantrum who could not allow anything good to happen because she is overwrought, also allowed healing and integrating. However it was also being carried very deeply in my system and it took some effort to allow healing. So much transformation was happening that I woke up dead tired – as if I didn’t sleep AND I worked hard all night.
I did enough healing and had enough spiritual solace while at the Ashram 3 weeks ago to get to the place of these healings this week. While there are many other reasons why I went to the ashram, this week’s transformation seemed to be the biggest most helpful result of that visit. I am so GRATEFUL that I listened to my intuition and went, instead of canceling at the last minute like I wanted to. Sometimes when we are ready to heal or transform something that we have held onto for a long time and is lodged so deeply that it governs all our choices and thoughts although we are unaware of it, the recovery or aftermath is fraught with sadness, confusion and chaotic emotions.
I have been experiencing a roller coaster of emotions BUT I am noticing that there is still an inner peace and trust that I did not have a month ago. I am also noticing that I have been attracting more clients and am connecting more with volunteer opportunities and individuals with whom I believe I will be building community. In order to have the life I want and to continue to be in alignment with my higher self I have to be able to receive as well as give, to allow the flow of transformational and manifesting energy as well as take inspired action, and always love myself through it all. I know this energy/emotion I shifted this week acted as a barrier to me allowing the flow of ease in all areas of my life. I also know it contributed to my liver and pancreas not functioning at optimal levels. I know this month’s transformation is another big step in creating that.
I am so humbled and so grateful.
What would you consider a satisfying life? What came to your mind first when you read those words?Was it a new car, house, relationship?
I have to admit that is what used to come to me – a relationship, better health, a thinner body, and more income. But I have had two full days of experiencing complete satisfaction in every moment, even while supporting two friends in very different ways.
Now I have experienced the joy of this satisfaction for a moment or an hour or two before. I am quietly grateful and joyfully thrilled for two whole days and the knowledge that this IS who I truly am and can (and will) continue to be me while in the human body.
I have been working with a new guide – or at least I thought I was. Each day she has guided me step by step to new understanding and levels of awareness of me. I have been healing some old angry and limiting energies along the way.
On Tuesday I woke up feeling very full of loving energy, did some calm, sacred meditation in the morning and spent the entire afternoon outside, mostly on the beach. I supported a friend in allowing her energy to align properly and then shift into a new energy level for her (it actually shifted twice). I also was guided to open to another level of awareness. I had to sit down to allow it (on the cold wet sand!! LOL!!) It began with what looked like a vertical line down the center of my body. The line then began to open and as the edges spread apart more and more light came through until it was wider than my body. It was all easily, smoothly and beautifully done. A very sacred day indeed.
What was most important for me is that I was so filled up with my self that I never felt like I was giving too much or that there wasn’t any room or support for me. It mattered not what my friend was feeling or projecting or wanting, I was still calm and completely filled with this satisfying energy of me.
Then yesterday I spent most of the day helping another friend with more mundane tasks that seemed complicated to her but were second nature for me (some business stuff). While assisting her with this business stuff she became more open to allowing some help with some spiritual growth also. She was able to allow it without a lot of anger and resistance – her usual MO. After we finished, I was guided to go out to the beach by her apartment, this time alone. During the long walk I was guided to allow deeper integration of energy very similar to the new guide’s. Now at first I thought I was integrating what I thought WAS the guide. Then I realized it was a higher vibrational aspect of me. Today I can feel the integration continuing and the consciousness of this aspect sinking in to me or me rising to its level (words are so inadequate).
It is a very different way of integrating, I think. For all I know this may have happened before but my awareness was more limited so I didn’t experience it this way. I really like how I got the time to know this part of me before it integrated.
Additionally, I have known for years that I wanted to support others in their spiritual awakening as a way to earn money but have been frustrated because I have had so little opportunity for this. I wasn’t fully conscious of my inner resentment that flared if I spent too much time helping others without a visible return to me (in money or spiritual help or other ‘payback’). I knew I tied it too tightly to money but was so wigged out about my money situation I couldn’t separate it until I recently did some more healing on my money issues and the inner me that was so angry that felt as if I ‘never got anything I wanted.’
So here’s what I know for today (borrowing Oprah’s words). I LOVE feeling completely satisfied without a care as to what is going on outside of me with my friends, my money, my cat, my health, the world or the weather, etc. I choose to be this way no matter what. I feel very confident that my way in the world will be easier because I am allowing this connection to myself to be so complete.
Yet when called earlier this evening twice by someone in Europe in such emotional pain that he did not pay even thought he agreed he would after the first time he called, I felt a twinge of the old fear coming back. I helped him even though my fear came up about being paid. I am so glad. I prayed for him after we hung up too. He has a long road to go to healing and seems very committed about moving along it. It feels so right to work with him. I also hope he will honor his agreement to pay me for my time.
But that isn’t what is important at this moment for me. It is important that I honor his part in assisting me in discovering more healing needed around this. I know it isn’t all about money but I need money to live on the earth at this time. I haven’t yet found anyone to barter or give me food, all of my medical care (only some of it), a place to live, phone service or utilities, although I am VERY open to that!! I do not want to decline helping anyone because I am not being paid for it yet I need to earn money. This is more a dilemma for the mind rather than for my heart and spirit. I know that, I even feel it most of the time but those old twinges sometimes come back.
I am choosing to heal this inner conflict that I still feel a little bit. The conflict between the part of me that really wants to help (or really feels called strongly to help) and the part that demands I get paid for it and is fearful if I do not that I will not earn enough money to live in this human body in this world at this time. I am embracing the fullness of being able to create a beautiful, secure, safe, fun and comfortable physical life that I enjoy very much AND I answer my calling to assist others in their spiritual growth. I can do both and allow both even when my mind/ego wants to make a direct connection and there is not one. I am walking into the aspects of me that revel in assisting others in their spiritual evolution, although I notice I am doing it rather gingerly as if I am not sure what doors I might be opening with this.
So upon reflection maybe I did get paid for this assistance, just not in money at this time. Isn’t it beautiful how things work? God Bless this man for his help. As the tears roll down my face, I am grateful.
I have had many wonderful inner growth spurts in the past 3 months culminating in a much higher aspect of me integrating last week (or beginning the integration into my physical body last week, not sure if it is done yet). Then a new client contacted me over this past weekend. This client was so separated from his emotions and intuition due to a set of horrific experiences in this life that all I could see was darkness and blankness within him. Yet, he retained enough memories to know that he used to have emotions and very highly developed knowledge of himself as a starseed and a light worker.
We have had 4 sessions so far. Each day he opened a tiny bit more, and I mean tiny. Each day I assisted his higher self in the form of various angels and guides to reconnect him consciously to himself and to heal his emotional and physical body (ok I know I know I am not supposed to say we healed the body but I could see it and he could feel it). Yesterday, he opened so far he began feeling his emotions again, he let me into the details of his physical body (I could see the cells), he showed me times when he was a different being, I saw him reconnect to a sliver of the joy that he is. I heard his frequency harmonize so beautifully that the sound of (it sounds like music to me) made me cry.
The reason I write all of this is because I have spent the past 16 years yearning to help people remember and recognize their true selves as aspects of god. I have been discouraged because most of the time people just want to go to the next step, maybe, or I get a rash of clients who just want to feel better or get info about their future. Plus I have been going through my own internal spiritual and energetic transformation and I may not have been ready to help people at the level I wanted to or felt I could at some point.
This week I was able to participate in such a beautiful opening with someone who came to me wanting to leave this earth because he was so miserable and who will go on to change the lives of many people on earth (he is an inventor and healer). I was so moved I found myself crying throughout the day.
I had a perfect harmonic moment with my higher self when I saw his growth. It was a moment that my inner being had been working towards and yearning for during many years. It doesn’t sound like much but it was an incredibly profound and sacred moment for me. Think of it like you work towards something your whole life and then it happens. I feel complete. This is what I want and what I have been committed to. I was so honored to be able to participate and assist in this opening for him.
AND – it is the beginning of another phase of life.
It was supported through the metaphor of planting a garden in my heart, with various seeds representing various healings, releases, and embracing of certain qualities (compassion, surrender, forgiveness, patience, gratitude etc). The planting of each seed was accompanied by waves of energy shifts and various body pains as places of resistance cleared out. We surrounded the garden with two herbs that help dispel negativity and resistance (wish I could remember what they were now but the energy is there).
I forgave all who hurt, neglected and triggered me. I thanked them for their service and assistance in helping me find my way back to myself. I forgave myself for choosing that kind of a path and for meandering off my path at various times in this life. I chose to allow myself a greater compassion for my efforts and thoughts. I surrendered even more. I loved up my impatience and dispelled the distrust it covered up by embracing the trust that is already there (and has always been there). I embraced my knowing that these inner shifts are already creating outer changes in my life and that I do not have to ‘make’ anything happen at all. I will be inspired to take action when it is appropriate. I expanded my consciousness while this initiation continued.
It wasn’t the words that were important, I have said them before during other shifts. It was the acceptance and gentle shift into a higher, more expanded, vibration of myself that was the purpose of this initiation into a more integrated existence for me. Sometimes these shifts are more energetic or mental than emotional or physical. Now when I shift there is no separation or illusion of separation between any aspect of myself in this human body.
And to think I had no idea why I was called to an Ashram a little over a month ago. That visit cleared the way for integrating a beautiful higher aspect of me (which I first thought was a new guide), then this exquisite moment, then this initiation yesterday. I believe I would have eventually allowed this to happen but I am not sure it would have been as gentle or felt as loving has I listened to my fears and not gone to the Ashram. I am grateful.
I do my best to check in with my intuition before I commit to anything but I change. During the past month the internal shifts have been so fast and so deep that each day I wake up wondering what I am going to be like that day. I cannot count on it being the same as the day before. If I hadn’t already experienced quite a bit of healing around flexibility, ceasing goal setting, and trusting my intuitive guidance this would be very frustrated.
As it is now, it is just another part of my morning routine to ask myself what is the best for me that day. Today I had 5 or 6 events to choose from. I actually committed to two. Pleasantly enough, when I got up this morning I realize that it is ok to do both of them. Perhaps I am catching up with myself enough that some plans made days in advance can be kept. Only time will tell.
Have you ever gone deep within your heart to tap into your most potent connection with your source/soul/higher self to pray with great compassion for another human being? More importantly, have you done it to pray for someone who you believe has wronged, betrayed, judged, angered or hurt you?
It doesn’t matter if you are committed to spiritual mastery, becoming a better person or developing your intuition, you will need to be flexible in what you might need to do to get ‘there’, wherever YOUR there is.
I chose spiritual mastery – comittment to remembering and living as the spiritual master I AM, the god being in a human body (we all are, I am just choosing that conscious path). Letting go of duality and ego control has taken me to some very dark, low and some high, joyful places. I am more balanced now but am embarking on a journey that is giving me the opportunity to address some deeply held fears and sadness, and to let go of more ego attachments.
I am writing about it so you will know that owning our own mastery does not mean we do everything according to some perfection standard we make up in our heads, or that others try to impose upon us. It just means we own who we truly are and strive to live with/in/from that knowing every day.
I was guided to join a recovery program for my food addiction. I have worked for years and years and years to heal all sorts of inner blocks and emotional damage to open up to my god-being more and more. I live by my intuition in just about every aspect of my life except around food. I was hoping all the metaphsycal reasons for the addiction would be healed and by some miracle the addiction would go away. I certainly have tried changing over and over and over. It is about 50-60% better than it was 6 years ago (and I am a lot lighter physically as a result), but not healed and I give it too much power over me. I am learning to approach it the same way I have any other healing I have experienced – I am taking my power back, accepting myself completely and making different choices.
In the one week I have been going to meetings I have found a list of ways my ego is still in control of my emotions and behaviors. So I am embracing the shame that I was led to a recovery program (see- another ego judgment that I am bad for needing to go to this kind of program) and learning that progress not perfection is the goal. Not unlike living as a spiritual master!!