It doesn’t matter if you are committed to spiritual mastery, becoming a better person or developing your intuition, you will need to be flexible in what you might need to do to get ‘there’, wherever YOUR there is.
I chose spiritual mastery – comittment to remembering and living as the spiritual master I AM, the god being in a human body (we all are, I am just choosing that conscious path). Letting go of duality and ego control has taken me to some very dark, low and some high, joyful places. I am more balanced now but am embarking on a journey that is giving me the opportunity to address some deeply held fears and sadness, and to let go of more ego attachments.
I am writing about it so you will know that owning our own mastery does not mean we do everything according to some perfection standard we make up in our heads, or that others try to impose upon us. It just means we own who we truly are and strive to live with/in/from that knowing every day.
I was guided to join a recovery program for my food addiction. I have worked for years and years and years to heal all sorts of inner blocks and emotional damage to open up to my god-being more and more. I live by my intuition in just about every aspect of my life except around food. I was hoping all the metaphsycal reasons for the addiction would be healed and by some miracle the addiction would go away. I certainly have tried changing over and over and over. It is about 50-60% better than it was 6 years ago (and I am a lot lighter physically as a result), but not healed and I give it too much power over me. I am learning to approach it the same way I have any other healing I have experienced – I am taking my power back, accepting myself completely and making different choices.
In the one week I have been going to meetings I have found a list of ways my ego is still in control of my emotions and behaviors. So I am embracing the shame that I was led to a recovery program (see- another ego judgment that I am bad for needing to go to this kind of program) and learning that progress not perfection is the goal. Not unlike living as a spiritual master!!
I got triggered by something on either Wed night or Thursday morn and have been struggling with it ever since. I felt worse and worse as the time went on. The panic coming up was so bad on Thursday I actually made an appointment with a temporary staffing agency to work for an organization back in an office as a manager or assistant manager – something I know for sure is NOT right for me. My head interpreted the panic as money stuff so I applied for a bunch of jobs and called the agency. I remember even being confused about it because just a few days prior my intuitive direction was so clear about how money was going to come to me and I felt so taken care of and trusting. What did I do to change it so fast?
I didn’t get any answers because t the panic was so strong and my gut started churning. A wonderful energy healer helped me feel better on Friday morning but because I was determined to stick to a schedule I set up during all this constriction I didn’t give it enough time to actually open up, only to feel slightly better. Then my shoulder started hurting and got worse and worse because the muscles in my back were tightening up.
God took care of my schedule and it was miraculously cleared except for what I really needed to do AND two clients booked sessions for that day. I asked for a sign during my discussion with the healer and I got it right away (the sign that it was ok to cancel the appt. with the temp agencies- I think two unexpected sessions booked back to back was a sign).
I was guided to stay away from people/stores etc yesterday (Sat) and I did, but I didn’t feel much better. I walked in the sunshine and asked for help and guidance. I did feel a bit better then but I don’t remember consciously getting any guidance. I tried channeling and meditating – nothing helped. I kept asking to be cleared of anyone else’s energy, and that didn’t help either. I totally forgot to ask to be detached from humanity’s shifting and the earth’s energy – sometimes that helps.
FINALLY – this morning I woke waay too early (another symptom when I am closed down is not sleeping properly) and asked again for help. I asked for help in healing physically from the pain. I asked the healing aspects of the white brotherhood and AA Raphael for help. I asked my guides and higher self for help with the crankiness and feeling out of sorts (I still hadn’t realized I was still constricted in any way). I was told to go back to bed. finally some clear direction!!! Once there I psychically walked in to the pain and felt it begin to dissipate.
I also felt myself begin to open up. I saw the places that had been closed down. Hard to tell if I closed down that much or just felt closed down because this layer was ready to open. Then I fell asleep. I awoke with no pain, a bit groggy (like a lot of work was done) and in a completely different mood.
It turns out there was a shift that I was resisting. I believe it has been coming for about a week but actually began to manifest last Wed. All these other symptoms showed up because those are the way I process resistance these days. It shows up as money,health or food issues and indecision, shoulder and stomach pain. I also tend to spend more time with other needy or codependent people. Yet when I was in the middle of it I couldn’t get it to ease, I had to let it play out.
Now I am a bit drained from the drama because I am not used to this much drama any more either. I am very grateful to be through it and to have had the help I did.
I want to share two specific circumstances with you. You can see if there is something in your life or something you are holding on to that might benefit from a slight change in perspective.
1. Letting go of looking at the negative – esp when looking at the past. I met a woman last week who doesn’t dwell on the past at all. She doesn’t let anything that happened before limit her future or her present moment. She was delightful and insightful. I know I had a lovely opening by being in her presence both because I learned so much from her and because of her positive attitude.
I was a bit overwhelmed with how much I changed as a result of that meeting. When I was trying to explain how I felt to a friend, the friend took the opportunity to really blast me because I wasn’t able to explain myself clearly – she felt I wasn’t understanding how important the visit had been to my growth or she got impatient with my fumbling around with it. Then she proceeded to dump some other opinions on me about my behvior , moods, and conversations, all involving me needing to change the way I judge others, speak and my mood in general. She didn’t lie in what she said, she was just incredibly harsh and determined to say what she felt she needed to say without any real conversation about it. It was difficult to hear because I was already still vulnerable and overwhelmed from the internal processing going on.
I was angry at first, and for most of the day. But I was lovingly guided by my intuition to view my friend’s conversation as another step in preparing me for the deep shift I did the next day. I saw this nudging to the next level of processing (really to complete the process that began earlier in the week) just came from another aspect of god showing up as my friend, as if she was intuitively guided to say what she did. I might not have paid attention if it came to me just as intuitive knowledge. That change in perspective allowed me to relax and let go of any anger or resentment at my friend as if it never occurred. She played her role in my life at that moment beautifully.
The big shift was a release of old resentment and bitterness at how I have been treated in this life and about all the things/events/ circumstances and people I either didn’t get to experience or had to let go of during my spiritual evolution. The shock of how my friend talked to me and what she said helped make it happen sooner (always my choice). Without all that old stuff it is easier for me to believe in all sorts of possibilities for me and to allow manifestation of wonders in my life.
2. Change in how I view taking care of myself - I have been guided to a recovery program for food addiction and needed to come up with a plan to follow each day. I was seeing it as a punishment even though I chose to do this and even though in the almost 3 weeks I have been in the program I have grown by leaps and bounds. Someone made a suggestion that changed everything. She suggested I change the title to a Plan of Loving Kindness. Isn’t that something??? I relaxed as soon as I began thinking of it that way. I felt happier and all the inner resistance danced away.
I am happy with my willingness to pay attention, stay open and change my attitude/perspective when I get stuck or blocked.
I get to have some of the most interesting experiences following my intuition. I have been particularly blessed lately with meeting new people who have brought so much richness to my growth. I enjoy and treasure the ever-increasing happiness I am finding by my continued spiritual evolution. But I LOVE (and am very entertained by) the out of this world magical visions that come when big shifts occur and when I am around other spiritual masters who are very open.
I write these blogs to show my spiritual growth and how it affects my every day life – how I integrate, the changes I see as a result, how steadily I am getting happier and how my spiritual mastery unfolds more and more.
So today – I am experiencing a lot of fear. It is clear that one of the great growth factors for me, right now, is the need to serve – to help in some way that is sane and balanced. In other words, where I take care of myself and I serve others. I do not know yet how that service will show up in my life since I am too afraid to allow it.
I have had many lifetimes where my need to serve caused me to sacrifice myself and other lifetimes where my need to take care of myself caused me to be quite resentful and selfish. In this life, I have teetered back and forth between the two. Right now I am being guided to serve more and a lot of fear is making itself known. All my fears of being sacrificed, used and miserable are up strong; plus I am sad that I have not healed this even though I get to visit this issue a lot. I know I had a rather intense experience with clearing some painful old energy and emotions around this issue just this past Friday (see previous blog) and that is why it is still up strong. Knowing doesn’t mitigate the intensity of the feelings. Additionally, since I am no longer using food to numb out, I am feeling it all – I have no distractions at all. UGH!!
All I can feel is that if I follow this intuitive call to serve I will end up homeless, penniless and used up. My mind can tell you that is extreme and rather dramatic but my emotions/ego still go there. I am praying, meditating, doing the energy work to love and transform this fear and old belief pattern. But for now, that is what is going on with me.
Just to show you how funny God can be, I switched phone companies on Friday morning and now I have terrible sounds coming through the phone. I don’t hear them but the person on the other end does. The phone company says they will check on it and let me know within 48 hours if they need to come out to the house to fix it – maybe that will be this week, maybe not. So ever since this issue became strong in my energy field for healing I have not been able to have any conversations with clients – so no business (except for one brave and kind soul who put up with it). Of course, that just triggers the fears EVEN MORE!! I must REALLY want to heal this once and for all!!!!
Earlier in the week I got to visit some deep fears (see previous blogs). Yesterday I got to wrestle with the part of me that is extremely self-critical, self-judging and self-abusive. Picture an internal part of me with a whip, constantly beating myself up. OWCH!!
Sometimes I spend time loving whatever is coming up or handing it over to god. This felt like I needed to visit with it for awhile to let it come up, or show up, fully. It didn’t feel good and felt very heavy, as if it wasn’t quite ready to heal but was doing it anyway. It took all day to release and today I feel kind of hungover and very tired from all the shifting. I am planning a light, easy day (we will see if my higher self agrees).
On the other hand I am more relaxed about my life and some of the details over which I was worrying. I feel more compassionate in general and certainly more loving towards myself. My work with others seems to be much easier and more powerful. I can feel optimism welling up again.
I have no idea how it will affect me in the long run but I am very happy to be healing this part of me. It blocked me from truly appreciating being in existence and from being calm and lighthearted about everything I do. These old patterns also blocked me from enthusiastically saying yes to each next step my higher self leads me to. That is kind of contradictory to my commitment to spiritual mastery. Now I am viewing myself and others through the energy of love and self-acceptance. It is different – softer and more relaxed and a whole lot more tolerant. Spiritual evolution at its best!
I got caught up in someone else’s money fears yesterday and got out of them within hours and was able to help someone move into a more aligned energy place, where she could more fully embrace her higher purpose in this life. It was a beautiful and moving session with very clear goddess guidance. I love those sessions.
I am finding a deeper sense of self-acceptance which is leading to greater acceptance and compassion for others. A lovely side benefit is this inner peace, calm and joy. I am really enjoying this part of my spiritual evolutionary path.
I appreciate all the work and contrast that occurred for me to be able to enjoy now.
I have noticed that the guidance to do that often begins very gently, maybe a whisper of an idea. Then it gets stronger, perhaps all kinds of synchronicities occur and/or certain things in our life just go away. Then it gets a lot stronger, sometimes hardship or physical discomfort. Maybe I see that in my clients and the people around me (in person and online) because it has been that way with me and I notice that which is like me. It is hard to tell.
Also, aligning with our higher self shows up in all areas of our life, financial, relationships, self-talk, physical, etc. It doesn’t just effect some esoteric beliefs or conscious awareness of ourselves as god.
I was watching a dvd on Thursday night and all of a sudden found myself unable to watch anymore. I turned it off and thought I was tired. But what happened is that my higher self wanted to have a talk with me. Usually when my higher self wants me to do something different I gradually become aware of it or I just do it, then wonder afterwards what is going on. Not this time. I heard a very firm voice talk to me that night. I also know that I had been resisting this guidance for a little while, even going to sleep a few days before when it was trying to come through stronger.
And what did it say? Did it share more magic from the universe? Did it give me insight into more earth changes? NO, it was very practical and direct (and loud!!). It told me to stop eating meat products – no chicken, no ground turkey, no eggs, no butter and no cheese. A few times a week I can have some fish. I have been guided and attracted to vegan eating for over 7 years but have not had the internal emotional maturity to stick with it because part of the way I was still limiting myself is by allowing my addiction to certain foods and the effects they had on me emotionally control me. I even allowed a genetic tendency towards diabetes become a reality because of this.
So when you hear a voice strongly in your head telling in no uncertain terms to change something, you change. Or at least I did. This part of me told me some other things too that I needed to change to be able to handle the increase in clientele that I have already co-created. It was all very practical but tied to the spiritual evolution I have been experiencing recently. But the way this information came to me was so different I paid attention and acted on it right away. I am thrilled that I have grown enough that I didn’t have to create any more physical distress to ‘get’ it.
I am experiencing some personal changes in an interesting way. In the past two days I have had the privilege of assisting two friends through pivotal shifts. However, during each of their shifts I too have been worked on. I am not sure I have noticed that before. I know when I work with my monk friend it happens but then she is a very high vibration, and there is no way it cannot. But now it is happening with me.
Additionally, a week ago I listened to my higher self as it emphatically told me to stop eating meat products. So now I am detoxing too but I think it is helping my vibration raise more. My intuitive guidance tells me that there is less resistance in the body to the shifting I am experiencing so it seems to be happening faster.
On two different days this week I basically spent most of the day by myself (other than walking and running to the library) AND, drum roll, I didn’t beat myself up about it or push myself to do anything more. I am just being – too many changes are occurring for me to do anything else. Somehow the days are being filled up. Between all the new vegan and raw foods recipes I am trying and all the pro bono work I have been guided to do and the clients, I am busy. It is a lovely busy though, just enough so I am not too bored but not too much to make me crazy. I can no longer run from one thing to another. Everything is mindful or it is stressful. I kind of like living this way. I am content with myself more times than not. It is a pleasure to say that and to live it. I APPRECIATE this state of being immensely.
Spiritual growth comes the ways we allow it. If we close off one way, it shows up some other way. Sometimes we have to approach various parts or phases of it from many different ways at the same time.
Mine often comes with beautiful and exciting visualizations, information, and discernible energy shifting. I had some of that this week (see my yahoo group for my description of a beautiful integration of a higher aspect of me while working with someone else– down2earthspritstff on yahoogroups.com) This past week it has also come via eating differently and some emotional work done for a program in which I am participating, both of which I was guided to do by my intuition. (This is what I call practical spiritual stuff.)
I switched to vegan eating a little over a week ago. Not just vegan but about 80% raw with hardly any fruit and no grains (I will eventually begin sprouting them). I have been amazed at myself at how I just did it considering I have been guided to do this for about 7 years and couldn’t stick with it. But the time is now, so it is happening.
I have been detoxing since about the 4th day, which is not pleasant but it is informative. It means my body reeeeaaaaaaally needed this change, to give it a break physically and to help it catch up with the energy shifts the rest of me already went through. I have already noticed that I generally feel better, even though I cannot put my finger on exactly what is better physically. However, in my spiritual work there is a greater clarity and ease that is noticeable. I move quicker into the higher vibration needed to support my clients with their healing choices, and, more importantly, I am staying in that higher vibration longer because my body isn’t fighting off the effects of harsh, and sometimes toxic, food that it doesn’t want or need.
Additionally, either as part of this detox or as part of some emotional inventory work I am doing, I tapped into some deep hurt I had not healed yet. It is hurt I have visited before but now I am approaching it on a much deeper level. How can I tell? Because today when I woke up I felt much lighter after all the emotional flow that happened yesterday when I tapped into the hurt. I feel as if I opened a door to a place where I had stuffed a bunch of that hurt while trying to believe it didn’t matter or was already healed.
You know how our higher selves are – we are put in situations where we get to learn or heal, if we choose, and where the people we interact with usually participate in that healing in some way. So I had help in opening the door to this deep hurt by an insensitive and controlling family member who so brilliantly (and easily) triggered some deep feelings of non-acceptance and invalidation. I also was helped by an acquaintance innocently asking how someone could get to be my age and not have experienced something that I keep thinking I desperately want to experience (life with a mate/partner). It just wasn’t part of her reality so she couldn’t understand it.
I am reminded that if I didn’t have this stuff to heal no one would be triggering me. After all the emotions released I was able to embrace that thought easier (LOL!!) and bless that family member and acquaintance for the role played in all of this. I also realized that anything I am using as a focus for holding on to old emotions is just a distraction. If I didn’t already have a belief that I needed something outside of me in order for me to be acceptable or loved or whole, none of the expectations or desires would matter. For instance, if I accepted myself totally as I am I wouldn’t still have the belief that I need to please anyone else in order to survive or be happy, yet I still have some of that I struggle with. There are a lot more examples but I plan to write them up in another blog.
I am aware of the more practical nature of this phase in my spiritual evolution because of my experiences this week with my reactions to my change in eating and my emotional work done while following my intuitive guidance. I did not know what would result from following that guidance, but I have enough experience to follow any intuitive guidance that comes to me this strongly. I am pleased with myself and my growth.