Such a beautiful feeling – the feeling of reawakening, of opening more to this human life. As my heart delicately flutters open, and I deal with the overwhelming emotions that accompany each step into the expansive me, the adventurer and explorer I thought I was when I was younger is coming out to play more. It is definitely quieter and more mindful, more unencumbered with fear than it was when I was much younger and played at being fearless when I was really trying to escape from massive fear. I feel it as a new child, eyes wide open, heart excited, cautious only because I am being guided step by step by my inner wisdom and higher self so there is no hurrying or harshness or rushing ahead.
I recognized it when I was admiring that strong sense of adventure in another person. In conversation I remembered so many things I tried when I was younger, so much traveling, so much willingness to experience new things jump into the abyss and see what happened. Life slapped me around a bit and I shut down. I felt the sadness of that very deeply tonight. I also immediately knew that I gave myself the time to do a bunch of inner healing and growing in order to flower open again, many years in fact.
Right now I am in a preparation and resting time period. Each day brings new ‘aha’ moments, such as the one when I finally began beading again and realized the addiction I used to have and the high I used to get with art work is gone. I enjoy it as a task to work on when it feels like fun but I connect with my inner divinity, heart and song at any point. I do not need the art for that anymore or as a distraction from a life I don’t want. I have changed a lot. I am so glad I allow the changes to occur even if I don’t recognize that they are occurring.
*PS: Just so you know I have been going through emotional and physical chaos this past week as I teetered on the precipice of allowing myself this next step deeper into self-acceptance and awareness. It was gentler than I have gone through in the past BUT a very recognizeable pattern. I am happy the things that happen to me as I get ready to breakthrough are gentler than before and I now choose to embrace this pattern thoroughly and completely.
I had a wonderful experience today.
One of those fully present days where the weather was just perfect, the sunlight took on an otherworldly luminosity, the wind moving the trees called forth the sacredness in my soul while the intense beauty soothed my eyes, and the ocean waves clapped for joy with each wave lapping the shore. I took a walk - a simple walk - through and into multidimensionality. I appreciated it all. It was such a balm after so much turmoil during the past few months. In that short 25 minutes my mood was lightened and my perception shifted - again.
THANK YOU for lifting me up, for reminding me what is true.
When I raise my vibration everything else becomes secondary. A few days ago I was angry all day, yesterday I was frustrated about my money and health situation. Today I woke up and did some high vibration energy work for 45 minutes to some friends, also raising my own vibration and focusing me on the eternal me rather than my earthly concerns. And the whole day has been 100% better than the previous week.
Today I felt calm, peaceful, trusting and VERY present. I even found my thoughts turning to money – the exact same situation as yesterday – and no fear came up at all. When I am at that level of trust, none of it matters. I am not saying it will all work out the way I want, I am noticing that I just don’t get caught up in worrying about it or fearing around it.
I am so glad my higher-self reminds me in a gentle way that when I raise my vibration (my words for relaxing, letting the beautiful/sacred energies of All That Is flow through me easier and focusing on being open and receptive), none of the rest of it matters and it all flows smoothly and gently.
This is the second reminder I have experienced in the past week on this very subject and the second time I am just as thrilled it was done gently (or I listened while the reminder was still gentle). I tend to struggle to ‘find the balance’ between the spiritual and the earthly stuff (the mundane everyday tasks) but maybe my way of balancing is to be sure my vibrations are raised to the perfect level for me to be calm and trusting, and the rest will take care of itself, provided that I continue to participate in my every day physical living. It certainly seems easier than trying to put equal focus on spiritual pursuits and on physical living, or focusing only on the physical to make sure my financial situation, and possibly my health, continues to improve.
All I know is that I feel like me again.
I have learned that I am not as smart, talented or gifted as I thought I was. I used to make myself feel better by focusing on thinking I was smarter than everyone around me, until I went to a conference where just about everyone in the room seemed smarter than I was/am. I used to take great pleasure in how talented of an artist I thought I was until I was around truly talented and gifted creative people. You get the drift.
This ascension journey has not brought me good health, riches and recognition like I thought it would. It has however ripped away everything my ego hung on to in order to feel better. Somewhere along the way I also seem to have lost a lot of passion for the things and processes that used to motivate me – art, cooking, learning, exploring, shopping, and sex (in my earlier years). I guess that goes hand in hand with separating me from everything outside of me that I used to feel better.
What am I left with?
I am left with the wonder of the eternal me. I am left with the inner joy and appreciation of my soul. My inner being. I am less bitter about how my life has progressed and not having what I think I want. When I am feeling down or caught up in emotions that are very strong because they are healing and leaving, just my own energy and thoughts help me feel better.
I can’t say I am happy but I AM more content.
It is a unique and amazingly blessed experience to feel safe. I grew up feeling very unsafe - always on guard, on edge, angry, defensive etc. VERY recently, after being purged of another level of mother issues, I realized I had no idea what it was/is like to feel safe. Once that kind of realization surfaces it means the healing has already begun. The signs have been there - a rational and professional boss, moving into a home with rational people - but now I am beginning to feel it. <3
IT IS SO DIFFERENT!!!! I don't have all the words yet, but they will come.<3
I am so much more relaxed. I can remind myself easily that things will work out when an something unexpected happens. I am actually aware of how much time I spend NOT feeling anxious. I am able to let go of things that just a week ago worried and frustrated me.
I am so GRATEFUL that some part of me KNEW to keep allowing the inner shifting to be my focus even as my ego was pushing me to go out and DO something.
I even attracted several spiritual counselors/psychics who pushed at me to do something or change my emotions (stop feeling this or that) without any real help on how to change it. Oh plenty of advice but nothing that rang true. I am not someone who has EVER been able to impose my will on myself to change my attitude (ie just think positive, feel the faith again). The underlying emotion or issue has to be healed before true change occurs with me. Until I was able to tap into the energy of feeling safe I was unable to let those old emotions heal. I have also been able to see that I attracted readers who reflected all the old energies coming up for healing (God bless them). It is easier to think more positively now that I feel safer. It is easier to pay attention to when it is appropriate for me to physically do something and when it is just perfect to continue to do nothing. It is easier to be more conciously aware of my connection to my higher self/all that is now.
Sometimes what you think you want is far from what you resonate with. Today I went to visit a potential place to live. It was advertised as a studio connected to a holistic center and the house owner was looking for an assistant also. The location sounded gorgeous – nestled in the trees near a lagoon which in turn is almost right next to the ocean. The owner believes strongly as I do – that we must change the world through bettering our relationship with whatever we call the all-knowing energy of everything (I call it God) and bring that into our everyday lives.
And the longer I sat there and listened to him the more antsy I got. I developed a headache that increased in intensity and I just couldn’t get away. Turns out he wants someone to co create a new program that supposedly has large earning potential rather than hire an assistant, at least 4 other people would be living in the house, the ‘studio’ was actually an older furnished bedroom and bath with a tiny galley kitchen located in the bottom of the house, and the guy talked all around what he was trying to say instead of being direct. More importantly I felt so much sticky energy it was uncomfortable.
On paper (or rather craigs list) it looked perfect but not so. I learned that I am now willing to let go of how I think my next place to live ‘should’ look. I re-remembered the words mean nothing - it is the energy behind it that makes all the difference. I also relearned that if I am not intuitively getting an enthusiastic yes, the answer is no.
Try this: Clasp your hands. Notice which hand has the thumb in between the thumb and forefinger of the other hand (for me it was the right). Now re-clasp your hands differently - with the thumb of the other hand in between the thumb and forefinger of the opposite hand than before (for me so my left thumb is cradled in between the right hand’s thumb and forefinger). OR just brush your teeth with the other hand. Feels weird, maybe even wrong, doesn’t it?
Yet, it expands your perspective and interrupts the same old mind chatter you have had going each day. For those of you trying so hard to be more positive and /or more open to magic and miracles sometimes you just need a little different perspective as your very next step. It doesn’t really work for you, or anyone, to try to just think different thoughts or stop feeling a certain way. That stuff comes from within and takes more inner work than that. Imposing your will on the rest of you just causes problems such as suppression or old patterns and emotions rather than healing.
So what if you just did something differently today? What if you took an extra minute to appreciate the flowers (or stop too throw a snowball) with no expectations except it is something a tiny bit different than you did the day before? Or what if you try to brush your teeth or eat with a different hand, or go a different route to work? This kind of exploration can be really fun and interesting if you don’t have any expectations except to do something differently as often as you think about it. It disrupts the routine of everyday life and of your thoughts. Most people become more mindful, present, and flexible. That allows the universe to work through and with your inner spirit easier.
AHH!!! That moment of pure delight when all the boundaries to being who you truly are just drop. Even now, three days later, I still am deeply moved to tears.
I received fabulous guidance through a friend to go outside and color, to listen to the wind and let the light in, and to be somewhere with trees where I could see the ocean. I have been doing it since last week and find myself very peaceful and settled when done.
I have a huge book of mandalas to color and the decision of which color to use comes to me intuitively. Often I am surprised by how it turns out because I stay so much in the moment, I don’t pay attention to the whole thing. I only pay attention to what color comes to me intuitively to be used. Sunday I started with black. Then I HAD to use a very dark pink. I rounded it out with some green but the mandala is basically black and pink. I had no idea why I picked those colors because I have never colored with black before.
Well at the same time I am coloring I noticed a very loud crow was making lots of noise. I know crows bring messages from higher beings – at least they always have for me. I even said (yes, out loud in a public park) to the crow that I knew it brought messages, what did it have for me. BUT I didn’t listen. I got distracted and continued coloring with colors I don’t usually use. I finished the mandala but didn’t feel calm at all so I went for a walk and then came back to do another one.
Well the SAME crow came back to talk to me, louder than ever. This time I laughed and put the coloring pencils down and went internal to listen.
I saw the crow in my head, gloriously and richly black with a pink ribbon in its mouth. The colors were the same as the first mandala I colored!! Clearly some part of me was paying attention even if the energy was not conscious yet. When I saw the ribbon I smiled and in my head said “oh present for me??!!” I said yes, I would accept the present.
I then had a moment of complete silence – even the ‘noise’ of the psychic energy vanished – then I heard laughter from all the spirit beings around me. And in that moment many things happened at once. The ribbon in my vision came into my body, threading its way through in a spiral. The knowledge came to me that this was not only a present from God but it was actually God’s presence at another vibrational level. When I got that, my body flushed with light and sparkles zoomed. The delight that came at the word play was visceral. For that moment I was everything and all with no boundaries to the energy around me, no separation between me and the spirit beings, or me and the crow or the trees, or me and my body
It was intense and it was fast. I was crying and clapping when I came back to myself (yes again, in a public park- I just didn’t care). My whole body tingled from the energy and that energy ran intensely as I was integrating until Tuesday afternoon. I accept all presents from and the presence of the divine!!!!
Wallowing for Growth
Don’t you love it when the exact perfect information comes to you at the exact right time? For me it is even more special when it comes from a dear friend who is listening to her intuition and calls me up at night just when I need the support and love. THEN I actually listened and did it today.
I asked what do I need to feel better about me and my life? I wanted to feel more present, more satisfied, happy and calm. Her intuitive answer was to listen to the wind, follow the light and color outside – color mandalas. *She didn’t know I had just bought a book of mandalas to color!!*
So I went where I was guided where I could be surrounded by grass and trees and still see the ocean. It was a sunny warm day and I colored. As I focused on the colors that wanted to be on the page I began paying attention to the world around me.
Instead of just listening to the wind I indulged in it. I let it flow through my energy, I let it surround me through me and I was reminded of gentleness, calmness and compassionate loving. Instead of looking at the sun I wallowed in it. I let it light up my energy and watched old crispy stuff fall out. I felt some old emotions I have been carrying around lighten up and recede and heal. I watched the vastness of the ocean and was reminded of being that vast myself while in a human body. And the trees, those lovely green trees (this IS California) swaying in the wind. They spoke to me of appreciating the earth again, noticing the quiet and sacred beauty.
When I finished coloring I felt full, satisfied, calm and grounded. Very present in my body on earth. EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.
Getting Reconnected or Go Ahead and Miss The Point
Have you noticed how spirit/ your higher self will do its best to get you ‘on track’ if you start down a side path?? It sure happens to me and recently it actually occurred with something enjoyable instead of the usual old painful way.
I have been withdrawing more and more from the ‘spiritual’ side of my life, trying for almost a year to dim the passion I have for assisting others with their spiritual evolution. Interesting how that is when I began to put on weight (duh!!). I got very caught up in the day to day work needed to grow my finances and the work that was doing that had nothing to do with assisting others in their spiritual growth or using the skills I gained from my earlier business career or my many degrees. I was not happy doing it but at least my income was growing and when my car broke down I could get a loan for a new one (and a credit card for the new compute I had to purchase recently). I have tried over and over to balance and blend my spiritual awareness with what I feel I have to do to make money but I do not feel very successful at it.
I continued to work on myself to allow myself to integrate more of my higher knowing into my physical awareness. That only made the gap bigger. But OOOH when I did get to work with people it was magical and more and more powerful.
I was all excited when it felt like my desire to make fabric art was coming back. I saw mention of the Road to California quilt show and noticed it is only 90 minutes from me and felt called to go. Since I haven’t had a vacation in 4 years I decided to go up the day before, see friends, stay overnight in a hotel (a very nice treat) then go to the show. Or I was led to do that – these days my intuition works differently and what feels like fun and feels right is often my intuition’s guidance.
The bath I was looking forward to was no big deal. (I have been living in other people’s houses for 2.5 years and, except for one time where I paid to take a mineral bath, have not had a long tub soak in all that time. I used to love long soaks). The show I was really looking forward to was too crowded and didn’t really inspire me. So what was the point of the trip?
Well, all the driving and the hotel helped me allow my energy to expand out to where it is more comfortable, and a fantastic conversation about the new way of healing that marries western medical modality with complementary energy healing with an orthopedic surgeon helped me reawaken my passion full force for helping others by ‘reading’ their energy and assisting with their ascension process, especially in their bodies.
THAT was the whole point of the trip. The point wasn’t to inspire me to make fabric art again but to go somewhere that worked to assist me in reconnecting with my passionate purpose in this life (beyond my own experiential inner growth). I do not know how to maintain this connection given how my life is structured now but I guess if I can be guided to re-awaken so easily I can be guided on how to integrate and maintain awareness of it in a more balanced way. At least that is my intention!!