Birthdays and Holidays. They bring up all sorts of inner beliefs and expectations that are usually hidden but govern our lives anyway. Those beliefs and expectations all get exposed on the ascension path, more so now that the energies are so intensely encouraging (i.e. poking and pushing) us to let them go.
I realized yesterday, on my birthday, that I am still looking for magic on that one day each year that marks the anniversary of my birth. It stems from a horrible childhood that was brightened one day a year when I was celebrated with a cake of my choice, a special dinner and presents. Every family member was there to celebrate me (or pretend to). It was my validation that I could survive everything I put up with the remainder of the year. I felt 'right' and 'whole' that day.
Yesterday, on my birthday, it hit me that I still live life like that. Most of my current life is about doing what is necessary to be halfway comfortable and to serve others, including ‘putting up with’ people that I have attracted into my life just so I won’t feel lonely, following a grueling medication regime to be halfway healthy, and working a job that mostly trashes my body. So if I do not have a great birthday as I define it, with everyone I know wishing me happy birthday and giving me lots of cards/gifts, I feel cheated, angry and depressed.
I guess if I want to be ‘served’ and feted on my birthday that badly I am clearly not totally on board with how I am serving others and the world each day. I also am still looking for validation and love outside of myself. I need balance. The serving needs to come from heartfelt joy and inner full satisfaction. For me that comes from recognizing, remembering and reconnecting with who I truly am – an eternal flow of energy while in this body.
I have been loving myself in a committed and continuous way for a few months now and this is one of the inner beliefs/expectations that used to be in the way of that love fully integrating and being lived. I am very happy this awareness came to my consciousness and that I KNOW these beliefs and the accompanying long-held emotions are healing. Happy Birthday to me!!
So apparently it isn’t just relationships that don’t work that fall away as you come back to yourself in this crazy ascension process. I began focusing on loving and accepting myself more last September (of 2013) and was intuitively guided to make several changes for my health. Over the next year a major positive change also happened with part of the way I make a living. This past October I began deliberately connecting with loving myself each and every time I get annoyed, angry, anxious and resentful. I also radiate love out to situations and people involved in helping me bring up those emotions. The results have been very interesting. I certainly didn’t think I would see results so fast but I have.
My spiritual healing facilitation business has revived, I am more easily setting boundaries around people that I would previously have lowered my energy to help (i.e. commiserate with), and two very expensive items left my life. Both my car and my computer had to be replaced. There wasn’t a lot of warning (to be fair -there was some but nothing that made it seem as if replacement had to be immediate, until it had to be) or any drama. And the replacement items and method of obtaining them both were drama free; another lovely side benefit of all this love.
Both the car and the computer were bought during times of deep depression, anger and self-loathing. I never liked the car but was too afraid to get anything better because of the costs and because I am not sure I thought I was allowed to have a better car. I chose the specific computer I did to work with someone easily on a major accounting project that was promised, started then yanked from me unceremoniously. I had leftover negative feelings around both objects. Once I started loving myself I couldn’t continue using these objects.
I am finding some low level anxiety and negativity just gone now that these items have been replaced and because they were replaced so fast and easy. It helps me appreciate how much I have changed and living everyday life easier.
Are you getting guidance or signs that you don’t believe or are coming to you in such a different way than they used to that you don’t recognize them? I have been asking for a sign or clear guidance as to where to go next or what to focus on in my everyday life for a little while now. Many of my clients are doing the same. I know I am in the middle of a huge upgrade and some seemingly unending fine tuning energetically but I don’t wait well. I have been wondering if I am missing the sign or the ‘call’ since I haven’t noticed one. Again, many of my clients, and a few friends, are doing the same. Well maybe I got one last night in the most interesting way.
I dreamt I was cleaning out a storage area in preparation for moving. There were two other people there – one was also cleaning out her stuff and the other was there to harass me on everything she thought I had of hers or used that I should pay for. When I was almost done I received a call from someone who sounded like Morgan Freeman telling me the white house wanted me to write a book and could I have it ready by Thanksgiving. I was a little freaked out in the dream and asked a book about what? And where did this come from? I do not remember getting an answer other than asking again if I would write it. I said yes, hung up and then really freaked out.
Here I am awake and wondering was that my sign? And what the heck am I going to write about? But I am open and willing. So I guess I will spend some time writing and see what comes out. I am not sure I could get a clearer sign than that.
Sometimes your growth process looks like you have come to a full stop. That is usually when either the deepest integration is going on or the deepest release. Even if it seems like it goes on forever we need these times of seemingly nothing going on too. I have been undergoing immense inner changes, as have MANY of you all. It looks like an increase in my outside ‘other’ work I do to earn income. It also looks like an increased focus on mundane events and things.
Yes I reacted to that. I got scared and upset that my life seemed to be going that way instead of continuing to be full of fun, spiritual magic and visions. But now that I am into it a few more months I am finding the magic shows up without any drama. The magic is integrated into the mundane now – there is no separation. Part of me is let down a bit because I thought my whole life would become the magic I experienced once in a while when reaching blissed states. I didn’t realize that when my higher self integrated more into the physical, the physical becomes the magic. There is no drama about it, no special moments that are obvious and separate from other moments. It becomes one long stream of sacredness.
When my inner child calmed down enough to notice, I embraced the everyday magic and my life began flowing better. I am more confident that the changes I would like to see in my life will occur even while handling the way my life actually is a lot easier (and with less frustration – YAY). I also talk to my spirit more and pray a lot more. It seems natural.
We can sum up all the intense inner and outer shifts in consciousness as a return to love. We are jettisoning everything that has kept us from recognizing acceptance and love in all its forms. Before I began learning to love myself I would spend a lot of time fantasizing about what I might do if I won the lottery as a way to escape my everyday life. I spent so much time in these day dreams that I disconnected from my life and it became more and more intolerable.
But as myconsciousness has expanded, my self-love has grown and so has my confidence and my connection to my self-worth. I am not as resistant to my life and my attitude has changed dramatically. There have been some minute improvements in my physical life but overall it is mostly just a perception shift.
However, I am finding some of the very things I used to fanatasize about are now a part of my life. For instance, I used to dream of being able to pay for a personal trainer and that I would take time to really work out to assist in the healing of my body. Then I was guided to join the local YMCA last December and am now learning to exercise gently as often as I can, even when I am dead tired and working too hard to make enough money. Part of my fantasy also included always having lots of flowers around. I love flowers and seeing them makes me smile. I noticed in the past month that I have started buying flowers at a local discount place. Having them in my room lifts my spirits.
I would have told you I could not afford these things but I really think that was just an excuse because I didn’t think I was worth the effort. Yes, it all costs money and there are months when I feel I am working just to pay the rent and for these things (plus a car repair bill that just never seems to go down). It can get weary if I focus on that. Today I am focusing on how I am manifesting the more important things I used to fantasize about all the time – without winning the lottery. I am calmer in my life more accepting overall and doing these things to support myself have made a difference in my ability to continue my spiritual evolution.
The more you love yourself, the more limiting and coping patterns release.
You know how you can tell if you have released an emotional or behavioral coping pattern? Pay attention to how you react to even the small stuff. If even a tiny vestige of that emotional/behavioral pattern shows up you have not healed it yet. Seems like that would be obvious but it is easy to be in denial. These patterns show up in all our interactions.
I just had my 'people pleasing UH OH what did I do wrong stuff' show up when someone unsubscribed from my blog mailing list!!! There are a million reasons that could be possible as to why he unsubscribed but my first reaction was 'what did I do wrong?". I am allowing healing now.
Healing the "feeling wrong and needing to please people" aspects of my personality seem to be up for me right now. It goes along with loving myself thoroughly, which is part of this phase of my spiritual evolution (or maybe it is the main reason for it). So I am really noticing it in all aspects of my life. I am sure you are experiencing something similar with your own coping/inner patterns. I must be super ready to change this because it is being shown to me over and over, in every relationship and in all my thought patterns. So I am noticing how systemic and deep it is, focusing on healing it each time it becomes obvious and then moving right into additional self-love.
I am being guided to change: to erect and maintain boundaries, to love myself more, to enjoy myself more and to value myself enough to say no more often no matter what others’ reactions are. Progress seems to me to be very slow but the process goes hand in hand with opening to the true me in my spiritual evolution.
I have been too accommodating. I have been so willing to drop everything I am doing to help my friends, or do what they want to do. I put off my own activities to sit on the phone and talk. I even cancel much needed jobs to visit when they want to. I once almost flew across the country because a family member wanted it even though I was running a high fever and couldn’t breathe very well. So I get my feelings hurt a lot when they only want to fit me in their schedules when it is convenient for them, unwilling to rearrange even minor errands to see me after I drive for a few hours to visit, and when they get very angry at me when I must take care of myself (as in the case of cancelling the cross country flight because I was too sick to fly).
Do I need new friends? Do I need my own boundaries? YES
You know how it is - when it is time to change, your higher self ramps up the opportunities to do so. You will have a new boss that is the embodiment of all you are trying to let go of, your friends’ behaviors will become more obvious and irritating (or hurtful), or you might react stronger to everything. You make different choices, and then you react. I shook for almost an hour at one point last week after telling someone I would no longer make anything for her (jewelry, art). My actions were based on me wanting her approval and love and some underlying fear that she wouldn’t love me just for me. She had her own expectations. We communicated about it and worked it out but my reaction was waaay strong considering what was happening because I was changing deep patterns that don’t fit me at higher vibrational living.
All relationships in my life that are not based on mutual and clear love and respect are changing or dissolving. Some days I am ok with that, some days I am panicked!!! Once again, more opportunities to love myself even more.
Changes are occurring faster than you can imagine now. If you are on the ‘fast track”, and it is ok if you are not (probably saner and healthier) then all kinds of unexpected changes are happening in your life right now. It could be affecting your food preferences, your activity level, your goals, your driving habits, your job, and/or your relationships. There will be change wherever there is interaction that supports an old way of being – primarily one that limits you.
You know this. Haven’t you been really triggered lately by something or someone in your life that before just kind of irritated you but now you can hardly stand it or them? That is what I am talking about.
Just this week I experienced a shock from a change in the way I interact with someone in my family. Our relationship has an element that is based on me creating art for her. I haven’t been able to do it for a few years even though I keep saying yes. I sent her some necklaces recently made from some beads she purchased and she was hurt and disappointed that they were not what she asked for. When I first got the beads (8 months ago) I couldn’t make what she wanted and somehow forgot even what that was by the time I could make them, all because I wasn’t supposed to be continuing to interact with her out of obligation and trying to please her. I felt shocky and shaky because there was such a deep connection within me to wanting her love/approval and making stuff for her. Obviously she has the same deep connection too or she wouldn’t have been so hurt.
At first I couldn’t understand why she was hurt, then as I explored it further I realized it was exactly because she equated my love and worthiness of her love with creating jewelry and other art pieces that she liked (i.e. doing what she asked). I had a fear she would go away without that so I kept saying yes, even has it got heavier and heavier energetically, even as I healed other codependent relationships and ways of being. But we talked through it and I am content now and more comfortable in knowing I am loved and loveable no matter how she feels.
This worked because she was as open as I was and as interested in continuing the relationship. I have not had the same success with others. Only you can know if you are to let go or modify your interactions with someone. But believe me if you try to make no decision or change your actions your higher self will create the opportunity for it to happen anyway. In the meantime, breathe and relax. Know you are not alone and it will be fine.
The sign over the booth at the fair I went to this past weekend said “Encouraging Words”. I loved it and stopped in. It turned out to be a group of people doing free psychic readings for anyone who wanted one. I did. The reading was full of only good things about me, same for anyone else who stopped in. I asked why they were doing it and they said they just loved people and wanted to support them. How delightful
Do you know with every good thing they said I had an inner voice saying but not always or disagreeing with them or saying if they only knew? I didn’t mention it out loud and I didn’t think about it until later. But it was hard for me to just allow the good things to be said. I become more uncomfortable as the reading went on because I felt some part of me was fooling them, although, what they said was not wrong, just not the whole story.
So I have been practicing telling myself wonderful things, including how much I love myself. That inner voice is still there trying once in a while to tell me I am full of it, but it speaks less and the emotional charge is much less. As we integrate more of our higher selves/soul into our bodies, we will get many opportunities to love ourselves more thoroughly and get to know ourselves better (without all the negative illusions we carry around). They may not all be labeled so obviously but you will recognize them when they show up.
I played a game with myself for most of last year. I spent a lot of time visioning, with intention to manifest, winning the lottery; a big win with lots and lots of millions. Each and every time I imagined taking care of my health first – paying for the proper medical tests, getting the medicine and medical help I needed (no insurance), getting massages and/or chiropractic work regularly, and paying someone(s) for personal training and exercise motivation. After that I would get to do a lot of fun but expensive stuff (especially buy a new car). My visioning became so strong that I had to do some inner work about being present because so much of my energy was in my vision.
Then about the beginning of December the urge to look at gyms became strong and I actually joined one. I panicked slightly about the money commitment but the intuitive push was so strong I could not ignore it. A few weeks later I joined one of those massage membership places where you pay a small fee each month to get reasonably priced massages. I haven’t been as regular about going to either as I would have thought but I am doing more for myself than I did before. AND I got free medical insurance under the Affordable Care Act where all my medicines and medical visits are free also.
Recently I was griping to myself about not being able to generate more income or win the lottery when it hit me (hard I might add) that the immediate things I wanted to do with the money other than buy a new car DID come to me. I manifested it without winning the lottery. The gym I go to has all kinds of classes and free help with weight training, the massage place has extremely reasonable massages and I like the massage therapists, and my health is MUCH better since I have been able to go to the doctor regularly (I mean extremely better).
I manifested what was important for me. I am much more relaxed about life now and pretty amazed at what has shown up and how.