I had an epiphany the other day. Ok it was after years of hearing the same things from many different sources but never believing it, not even once. I am not wrong. I am not too fat, too tall, too smart, too direct, too blunt, too honest, too emotional, too saggy, too old, too unhealthy, too spiritual or too loud to attract a partner.
But what does that leave? The very thing I was afraid of – ME!!!
I think this knowledge floated across my consciousness some years ago but I shied away from really getting it because I didn’t want to believe I am just not loveable. Of course, that is where my inner saboteur goes – if it isn’t my body or my demeanor then I must not be loveable.
But that isn’t it either.
I made an agreement with myself before I was born that I would not let myself be distracted by a relationship from achieving immense spiritual growth this life time. I also have craved approval and some way to fill the inner love gap from others, almost demanding it as a condition of friendship. That has translated into not having long term love-partnerships with men, not having children and not allowing close friendships with anyone. I couldn’t seem to get that agreement or the inner craving changed so I really embraced a lot of self-judgment to distract me. Well, as with everything illusory, I can no longer hide behind any of that.
Through amazing spiritual growth I have learned to love myself more and more and can no longer support the theory/belief that anything with my body or personality is wrong, not enough or too much. I have also learned that what I am truly craving is total self -approval and self- love and expansiveness.
These days I am going through a period of learning to love, accept and support my body. After all, my body is my energy also and if I deny or dislike this part of my energy how can any other part of me feel loved and accepted? So I am who and what I am –God/Universe expressed perfectly in this divinely created human body. Knowing that, I intend to release all limitations to any and all relationships that supports the highest and best version of me here on earth.
I love it when I deliberately do the inner work to change something and it happens!! I don’t always get to see the results of my efforts/intentions so quickly, and this latest example has been years in the making, but for this specific incident it seemed fast.
I have always had an extreme reaction to people telling me I am doing something wrong, as if making a mistake is an extremely shameful act. It gets worse if they are riding me about every little detail of every communication made, if it pertains to something that doesn’t seem that important to me, if it is not something I could have anticipated, or if it comes from someone who makes a lot of errors him/herself. One of the people I work for was in that mode this past week and I was having a very tough time with it emotionally.
Then, of course, I made a lot more mistakes than I usually do, which was driving me nuts also. I did a lot of inner work and finally calmed down enough to understand this was happening as a result of some clearing I needed to do. I intended that this person be surrounded with lots and lots of love while I worked on re-opening my heart and embracing ALL of the anxiety around the whole issue. I did bunches of inner work on feeling safe, trusting, loving myself, and self-worth
This morning when I received an email from her telling me what I ‘should’ have done in a particular situation, something I didn’t even think of doing, I didn’t even react. She didn’t change, I DID, and happily so. I was then able to see/tell that a lot of what I had been assuming about her moods were all the result of my own issues. Happy Day and great reminder.
I have a luxuriously soft blanket that I love. I roll around on it, wrap myself up in it, rub it across my face, and smile every time I feel how soft it is. It cost more than I wanted to pay, and I argued with my intuitive guidance that it was too much but I was guided to buy it anyway. Just to keep it in perspective- it was only $35 and I had no warm covers (only sheets), but that is a lot of money for me.
Why is this important for me to share this with you all? Well it is a beautiful outward symbol of me coming to love myself more. I rarely allow myself any comfort in my life other than an occasional massage. I don’t deliberately deny it but so much of my life has been hard or about deprivation and loss that I shy away from comfort, as if some part of me knows it will be taken away or it will create some other kind of problem. Additionally, in spite of all the inner healing, integration and spiritual transformation I have not loved my body or being human. It is something that has recently been brought up very clearly and somewhat forcefully (so I would pay attention) for me to heal.
It was brought to my attention through a health crisis. Yes, at the very same time I have been struggling and allowing love for my human physical existence during this past month or so, my life has gotten more restrictive due to the health issue and ongoing lack of financial comfort. Also it seems my normal support system of people just vanished. Without the only external forms of comfort I had left, I HAD to turn inward or rather, I chose to because I want to be happier. What it has come down to is opening my heart to more love and painstakingly sharing it unconditionally with all the inner emotional and psychic parts of me that have never felt loved – including my body’s consciousness; and all of this WITHOUT things getting better in my every day physical life.
I can feel the difference in my body’s response to me. Before when I asked what it needed, I heard in a very plaintive and sad voice “to be loved”. Now it has allowed some transformation and is able to communicate more sophisticated thoughts and reactions as we work together to heal this.
I was guided to buy the blanket to enjoy the softness and to have a tangible reminder of the increasing inner self –love. I love my blanket.
Not only are we learning to refuel from our own connection with all that is/source/ our higher self, we are also learning to be discerning about the energy we subject ourselves to.
It isn’t only people and their attitudes that can affect us – various media can too. For instance, take books. I love to lose myself in a good book. I live the story, feel the emotions, and bond with the characters with whom I identify. All of this affects my energy levels too.
As a matter of fact, I had stopped reading books by a particular author I used to love, specifically because it seemed she dwelled so long and dramatically on the darker side of things. What really happened is that she was always that way, but I changed and no longer resonated with the vibration of the world she created with her words. However, I got all excited about a new book by this author because of my memories of how much I used to enjoy her and, besides, it got a lot of press. Somehow I forgot how I didn’t like the way I felt when I read her work and also thought the energy in her books might be better than it was before. NOOooooOO. After 50 pages (I read VERY fast so that wasn’t much time) I closed the book, got in the car and took it back to the library. Then I had to do a lot of inner work to change my energy back to me and to let go of whatever I connected to at that low vibration.
Now I am trying to pay attention before I subject myself to the lower vibrations of all kinds of things and people.
Spiritual evolution doesn’t occur in a straight line or only with sunshine and flowers. Sometimes you go through a lot of emotional turmoil while you are realizing the old way isn’t working and release long held beliefs and emotions to allow a new way of being. I am very aware of these emotions every step of the way. I am sharing my inner thought/emotional process because my intuition tells me to, but also in the hopes that any who read this will be kinder to themselves and others going through anything like this. Besides, sometimes my stream of consciousness amuses people!!
‘You just need a breakthrough and wonderful worlds will be available to you.’ I am paraphrasing but this is what someone recently said to me during a very frustrating time when I reached out for help and she answered. I immediately recognized the truth of the words in the midst of everything we were talking about, I just had no idea how to make it happen (or allow it).
Ever since I left my executive job in 1999, I have felt I was destined to help people on a big scale. Then when nothing happened, and I actually lost more than I gained year after year (friends, money, ideas, my health, beliefs, etc.), I decided it was my ego not my intuition telling me that. Then just as I thought I had resigned myself to a small life barely eking out a living and helping people when I could, people began telling me they could intuitively feel or just knew all kinds of abundance was around me just waiting for me to believe and to break through the last block. We are talking years that people have been telling me this, and it still hasn’t happened.
I have released, opened, changed, affirmed, embraced, meditated and tried all sorts of other techniques (too many to list) and it still hasn’t happened. I still have hope and I still follow my intuition the best I can, but I am still doing a lot of odd jobs that mean nothing to me to earn money and renting rooms in other people’s houses where I have no space (and not much privacy) of my own .
Now I am not going to stop helping people move along in their spiritual growth because that is who I am and I cling to hope although the piece of it that I am holding on to gets smaller and smaller.
It took me 5 years to get to the place of having enough piecemeal work to earn an income. I didn’t have the luxury of holding out for what makes my heart sing or waiting for the fabulous life I was envisioning to actually materialize (good thing, because it still hasn’t).
How do you break through any block when you have tried everything that comes along that you can afford and that your intuition has led you too? When you know that there is a block because so many intuitive people tell you there is and tell you they can feel the very things you want in your energy field? When I can feel those wonderful things so strongly that I cannot accept where I am, how things are now, no matter how much I surrender and embrace my ego.
Well here’s how I handle it. I cuss at God for a while, I gripe about bringing people to me to torture me with the very thing I cannot seem to do. I remember that if I don’t change my inner emotions nothing changes and use that to make me feel better. I use that to try to have patience – to believe it will happen someday. Truth is I HAVE NO IDEA how to make it happen. Those exercises everyone suggests don’t work with me. They don’t ring true to me – either because they are not the right thing or my ego is in the way.
I ALLOW I ALLOW I ALLOW. Make it happen.
I don’t want to chase any ‘cure’ or change just to get money, but I want to balance my outer physical life with my inner spiritual life. When I feel connected to the divine I am so happy, satisfied and expanded. I am in love. But the state of my life interferes – there is so much I do not like. I get I am responsible and I need to make changes to create something different but I have tried so many things and it gets just a teeny tiny bit better (sometimes). I cannot maintain a positive attitude, a grateful attitude, and a loving attitude when I have so many things I do not like in my life and so many that I think I want NOT in my life.
I am better than I used to be – less angry, less judgmental, even financially better - and still do not have what I want. That crap of saying affirmations, just change how you feel, or focusing exclusively on what you want doesn’t/hasn’t worked for me. The only thing that worked monetarily was being willing to take jobs doing stuff I don’t care about and, in some cases, hurt. So yes, I have more money coming in than I used to but still not enough to live comfortably and not doing enough of what is my passion.
And that is another thing. I thought my passion is helping others in their spiritual growth. Although after this rant I am not sure anyone would believe I could do that. I am DAMN good at it. Really. But not so good at helping myself create a comfortable, enjoyable life. As I write this I am aware that I am not angry – just sort of resigned to it; not quite accepting or I wouldn’t be ranting.
So I am back to the beginning – HOW DO I CHANGE THIS? OR how do I allow the change to happen. What needs to be different?
What if nothing needs to be different? What if I have done the work to get there and it IS happening just slower than I expected or wanted? Or what if it is going to look differently than I and others think? What if all the words others tell me are from their filters and really have nothing to do with me? I sure hope that is the case because I have no idea what else to do.
After writing all of this I kept focusing on loving myself, on allowing. I didn’t know what else to do. I talked to others to get help but nothing was resonating except for additional messages to love myself more. The pressure inside of me built and built. Then one day at dusk looking at the moon and the ocean a wave of dizziness past through me. I stepped from one level of being into another (as if a veil was lifted) and felt it viscerally, not the usual way I process. For the 4 days that have passed after that happened I have noticed that the inner victim energy (of feeling punished because I have to do or be around so much I don’t like) is gone. I haven’t been getting angry at my circumstances or beating myself up about them. My outer life didn’t change but my attitude did and I like being calmer. All the frustration in the earlier part of this rant is gone. Some of the thoughts are still there but the emotional charge is gone, so the thoughts can leave too.
I guess the frustration had to reach a certain point in order for me to allow the internal change that was next, or some part of me believed that so it is what happened. Once this happened it opened the door for much more growth and awareness and I was able to connect with a very advanced soul who helped me with an incredible breakthrough and blossoming that I will write about in a future blog.
Recently I was not feeling great – lots of internal worry, irritation and restlessness. I forget EACH AND EVERY time that this state of being usually foretells a big shift within me and desperately wanted some ease and help from others. I reached out to Facebook for some help as none of my acquaintances or friends where available either physically or emotionally (all in perfect accord but still annoying at the time).
I received back so much love. It was a beautiful thing and I am convinced it helped me relax enough to focus on what was going on within me to allow the shift to the next level of beingness. One person even imagined me in an incubator of love, isn’t that great?
I was re-reminded however to pay attention to the core pieces of info and ignore all the advice that people felt necessary to tack on. Three different people told me in one way or another that I needed to love myself more. Not one gave me any way to do this that fit for me. One person was honest enough to say she didn’t know how but the other two had very specific exercises that worked for them. I even asked one if she was receiving intuitive info that it would actually work for me (it didn’t seem so but wow it had certainly worked for her in a beautiful way).
What I do know for me is that change has to come from within. It doesn’t work to use my will to change behavior if the inner energies/beliefs/emotions do not back it up. I know some people can do this, I cannot (and yes I have tried and tried). So after the third time of hearing this I finally was able to let go of some of the frustration I felt at what I perceived as the lack of help, and begin opening within to the love that I am. I have a long way to go to knowing I love myself but after a few days I was able to connect with the one person in my life who always helps me breakthrough. I am not sure I would have been ready had I not listened to the truth of what people were saying rather than their personality’s need to share what they believe might work.
I am finally being myself and honest about it to others. I find they think I am just snapping!! LOL!!
The more I grow spiritually and emotionally, the less I need to sublimate myself to others' wishes, needs, rules or expectations. Instead of feeling resentful I now just tell them no. I try to be more tactful than I used to be but I still do it. I am in the phase of being rather alone right now because of this deep change. I am also in the phase of discovering myself - who I am without constantly adjusting to others. It is interesting, and sometimes disturbing, to find out how little I know of my own desires when I am not responding to others emotions, needs or energies.
Some things remain - I still LOVE flowers, the color pink, comfort and blowing soap bubbles- but some have hanged - I have a hard time finding things to read even though I use to be a voracious reader, I like to take my time throughout the day instead of rushing like I used to, I do not like anger or to be around it, I don't go along anymore just to get along, I don't get upset just because others around me are upset, I can barely stand to watch tv, I wear what I want no matter what others think I should be wearing, I am having difficulty in engaging in the art forms I used to love, I can barely buy groceries for more than a day or two at a time because I have no idea what I will want in a few days time, AND I no longer want to spend time with people just to be taking up time. I also do not like or want to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - seem barbaric to me even though I definitely could use more money.
Each day I am rediscovering what delights me. What would you be like if you let your true self emerge? I am finding that out day by day.
No. No. Feel how that trips off the tongue. Imagine how it is to tell someone calling you to offer you a job – NO – because it is not the right thing for you. No worries about money, status, building your business, or anything else. All you do is check in with your inner guidance and realize it is not the right thing for you. Exhilarating isn’t it??
What if it is that easy? What if you MUST do this in order to make room in your energy and life for the perfect next job for you?
I had two different people call me this past week to offer me cleaning jobs in huge houses. Both paid decent but my energy has changed and building a cleaning business does not resonate with me. It was very, very hard to say no, but I did. The very next day someone else offered me a job making less money but much more in line with my energy. I am assuming there will be more along those lines as time goes on. When I am aligned with my higher purpose this IS how easy income flow can be.
Someone recently told me my energies are scattered when I asked why I cannot manifest what I want. I have heard that before even though I still couldn’t find/feel what they were referring to.
So a couple of nights ago I asked for all the scattered energies to come back, to be cleansed and refocused. I asked for appropriate energetic and emotional detachment from everyone that I have ever been angry with, guilty about, or hurt by. I was very clear on the few things on which I wanted to focus. I then slept very well until about 4 am when I woke up feeling as if something was moving back into my body, as if some part of me decided to return. I opened very quickly to a lot of higher vibration energy that left me shaking for hours.
I also knew right away I had to go back to the book I abandoned writing 3 years ago but add back in the intimate details of my life that I had deliberately not included. Now I am trusting that this opening and subsequent integration will allow me clarity on when and what to write while I am also working to earn income.
In this post eclipse time we are being guided to what is true for the more authentic self of each of us. It could be back to something that you used to do or know was right for you but got sidetracked from because you needed to clear or expand more (or had to put it aside to make money). It could also be something abruptly new that you never even thought of or still have fears around.
I have a friend who is going back to her artistic roots. This is something that came up over and over in channelings for her over the past 2 years but she is now ready to re-embrace it. I am being guided to go back to the book I gave up writing 3 years ago. It is a surprise to me because I thought the whole purpose of writing was just for my own inner healing. However, I woke up today knowing it was time to focus on writing this book again. I also know I have to be intimately honest about my reactions/actions/emotions in the book and that is bringing up a lot of fear. My friend is feeling very vulnerable about her choice also.
So it is for many lightworkers (not all, but many). What appears to be an abrupt change in direction or guidance is really our ability to finally and clearly know what is true for us, and to allow ourselves to embrace it out loud. No more hiding, obfuscating, diffusing or distracting. All that scouring out of inner issues and beliefs had a purpose!! We are not used to exposing that inner true self so openly but it IS the way of the higher dimensional living into which we are all moving. As we get used to being that authentic in our everyday lives we will eventually not be able to imagine any other way of living.