Oh how funny! Here I thought I was going to sit down and write a blog about how we react when we begin to get what we think we want, i.e. the money rolls in, we have choices on where to live (don’t have to just make do), people want to be friends with and in community with you, etc. Then the fear of making a choice comes up – the fear of making the wrong choice, of the other shoe dropping as soon as you make a choice, of it just being a test and maybe you have no idea what to do or how to handle it or the fear of making the highest and best choice for you and what that might lead to (more loss, processing, change that doesn’t feel positive).
BUT in the time between experiencing this for myself and sitting down to write about it I had already shifted. I think it was a total of an hour. It shifted so much it feels like the fear was in another lifetime. Are you finding this? The more you stay fluid the more inner stuff comes up for healing/releasing or integrating and the faster it does?
Just breathe and stay open. These days there may not be anything else you need to do.
WOW!! Embracing being human fully is a trip. I just went to another level of this during this past week. You know, it is a lot easier to appreciate the earth from this integrated and more fulfilled energy space.
Throughout this intense spiritual journey I have not been terribly successful at bridging the gap between the incredible moving and loving spiritual growth and my every day physical existence. My understanding has been that I don’t get what I want, I just have to surrender to whatever comes. I have even had to decide several times if I wanted to stay on earth. I have to tell you it was a decision by default – it just intuitively felt right to stay. I have never enthusiastically or even fearfully (because I was afraid of dying) thought I must stay.
I have healed this from many angles but new information came to light the other day as I once again wanted to release the thought that I don’t get anything I want in this life. I discovered the part of me that held itself back from the total human experience. I felt disdain about being human, as if it is a lower form of existence. I also felt I could not do my job here on earth if I merged too far into being human. My job was to save the world, which I know is leftover from many lifetimes where I assimilated the responsibility of saving various groups/villages, oh yeah, and the Jews (yes, the whole culture). It spilled over into my human life in many ways but the hardest was that I don’t let myself get too deep into relationships (in case I need to move on – physically or spiritually) and my whole life has been about working – working on myself, working to earn money, or working to help others or the world. I have done a pretty good job of releasing the need to save anyone but not in integrating this part that held itself separate (or balancing the work aspect with much of anything else). That is why I have had a continuous impression/feeling of not belonging here and wanting to go home (that I know many lightworkers experience even if it is perhaps for other reasons). And really, that 'saving' job is done so I had no idea what the heck do I do with myself.
This part of me identifies very strongly with the higher dimensions, the universe, the cosmos, anything but grounding to earth. The other day I found myself identifying again strongly with the part that just doesn’t want to be human BUT this time I also saw the loving part that is firmly embodied and expanded into the oneness; and the gap between both. After some intense releasing of other energies, expectations, and sadness at how my human life has been so far I began to embrace that loving energy. The deep inner barrier began to lighten up. It was very very slow and actually has taken many days (and it is not gone but MUCH lighter).
I am calmer, my body is more relaxed and I can see the light on earth easier now. It is also easier to be a compassionate witness to the people around me without needing to jump in, judge or run away. I find I am learning to treasure relationships, down time, breathing, nature and just being in a way that I couldn’t let myself before. I am excited to see what comes
my way from this more fulfilled, accepting place of existence.
I just love feeling supported by people who are loving and kind. Don’t you? I have to admit I have been guilty of judging others and pushing that judgment onto them but I have come to realize that walking my talk means staying compassionately neutral from a loving inner place. Interacting from and with kindness is one of the best and most obvious ways to show this. I try to do this always, although I do slip when my own inner issues get triggered.
I recently had an experience where I was trying to share a very deep and long held issue with an online yahoo list. Someone misunderstood and went on for many emails asserting what I was feeling and how abusive it was to me and how wrong I was etc. She totally missed the point that I wasn’t talking about my feelings but a common underlying belief/issue most of us lightworkers have experienced at some point (you know, the feeling of wanting to go home and not fitting in here on earth). It wasn’t that she misunderstood that was the issue, it was that she then proceeded to be very aggressive about what she thought I should do based on that misunderstanding. Pushing her point of view, implying and writing that I was wrong that I didn’t follow what she said and some other judgmental assertions are certainly not part of loving kindness.
My first reaction was shock at her reaction because I certainly wasn’t aware of feeling the way she decided I was, then resistance. Then I had to take a step back, get more grounded and find what was true for me. I then could appreciate someone else’s posts that also offered suggestions but from a neutral ‘you have choice’ point of view. I did try to explain and it was obvious others got it. Then I just let go. It was clear I triggered something within her and she could not step out of that limiting belief system.
Loving kindness may include pointing something out someone else doesn’t want to hear but it is merely that – a gentle pointing out. The other person needs to then decide what to do with the info. When someone approaches me in email, in person or on the phone from a loving kindness, point of view I can take in what they are communicating much better. I also now appreciate much more thoroughly how being in that loving kindness energy makes a difference to the people around ME.
When you are in alignment with your higher purpose and higher self everything is sacred. I have been blessed with two things in my life that are exactly right (where I live and the Friday gigs at the local coffee shop) and I have been intending and anticipating the rest of my life to flow like that. Today I realized a small job flowed to me very recently because of that perfect alignment - great clients, plenty of money to pay me, loved my work, and asked for more work on a consistent basis.. I was also thrilled to note the way I am now handling a job I have had for 2.5 years is in alignment; in that I handle things quickly, with a lot of love and gratitude. I have been pretty much in love with everything today because of it.
As I was driving home from the very fun but physically tiring new job, I stopped into a sushi restaurant. I have not felt comfortable eating out for a little while because it seemed like my income couldn’t stretch enough to allow it but today I was guided there. I like this particular restaurant because it isn’t very Americanized and they only service sushi with a very little bit of cooked food. I appreciated the sushi chef so much that it helped the good meal transcend to exquisite. I was moved to tears as I watched the precision with which he wielded the knife when he cut the fish. He was careful to recover every piece of fish he touched and washed his hands often. He was loving towards everything he made and creative in making adjustments to meet the customers’ needs. Even the way he shaped the rolls seemed sacred to me. I was transported.
Thank you God and my higher self for such a love and life affirming experience.
Today I am sitting with awe and in praise of myself, and all of you lightworkers who are struggling. We remain as open as we can to all the energy changes, giving ourselves wholeheartedly to the integration and awakening process, and shaking off all the judgment from others and even ourselves, all while doing whatever we can to survive in the physical plane of existence. It isn’t easy to balance the need to have income with the intense awakening symptoms but we do it; day after day.
So today I am appreciating us. I am appreciating everything I have done to get from survive to thrive, and everything I continue to as I learn that thriving is a normal state of being. I am thanking all the people who supported me by donating to me, buying things from me, purchasing healing sessions and helping me out. I also appreciate all those who voiced their opinions (sometimes over and over) of how wrong my choices have been or assumed I didn’t know what I was doing for all of that just made me stronger.
Balance is not an easy thing. I am not sure it is even possible to balance a fast awakening with ease in functioning in the human body, especially for those of us without spousal or independent financial support. BUT I believe it is getting easier and more possible as the energies continue to lighten up and we continue to move further into the vibration of love and acceptance.
I remember when I used to say I want to know in every cell of my being that I am God walking in a human body – not just intellectually understand it. For the most part I am there. I thought it would be different, more huge miracles and highs, but mostly what I feel is a satisfied contentment. Of course there are times when I am very frustrated and fearful but those times are less intense and I let it all flow easier. I have also learned to appreciate things the way they are and see all the miracles right in front of me. As I do more of this, the serendipitous abundant events keep occurring. It is true that it doesn’t always happen the way I think or want it to or even understand but there is always movement.
For example, I have been feeling the need to go to a local coffee shop to write for 3 weeks. I resisted because I interpreted it to mean I should be writing the book I never finished and I just didn’t want to. The feeling got stronger. I even tried to write at home – nothing. So I finally went to the coffee shop. I met someone there for a while and then started writing. To procrastinate I spent time talking to the manager and lo and behold I am now going to be doing readings here once a week. They just opened 3.5 months ago. (The urge started almost when the place opened.) I still don’t know if I will be writing (more than blogs that is) but I feel like I followed my guidance. You can be sure I will continue to do so.
I bet your brain has not caught up with the shift in energy. I know mine hasn’t. I know I have released enough, healed enough, integrated enough and expanded enough that my life is just going to flow. Even when unexpected (to my mind) things happen, they will be resolved easily and comfortably as long as I don’t hold on to how I think they should flow. Yet, I noticed I sometimes still worry, a leftover from the old energy of me.
I was lying in bed Sunday night worrying about the leak in my car, doing my best to surrender the anxiety/worry about paying to fix it and figuring out how to get to work, when I heard very clearly (intuitively) that all would be ok with my car, no need to worry and it would be proven to me very soon. Now in all the years I have been doing intuitive energy work for myself and others I have never heard that something would be proven soon. So it relaxed me and I was able to sleep.
The next day after cleaning a house and being very tired I still felt the need to take my car back to the same mechanic who just worked on it for 3 weeks (parts problems) to see if the leak had anything to do with that work. He was so caring. He inspected everything, topped off the transmission fluid and oil, cleaned the whole thing up and didn’t even charge me. It turns out the oil leak I have had for a year and a half got worse but because of the work he did yesterday I don’t have to rush to fix it.
I have been so high since then. After every miracle and serendipitous thing I have experienced I still didn’t 100 % trust I was being taken care of. Now I have no excuse except my own inner ego/craziness.
PS my mechanic is Midas in Encinitas on El Camino Real, in case you want some great service and caring mechanics.
Two days ago I found the exact right place for me to live. When I talked to the homeowner on the phone I knew it. When I went to look at the place, there was no hesitation even though there are a lot of details to still work out. I didn’t even think about it. I just said I would love to live there. Each time the slightest negative thought or worry popped in my head it went right out. Just goes to show – when it is right, when we are in perfect alignment with our higher selves – it is very clear.
I had spent a month looking for a place, whining about how come it wasn’t easy to find like it was in June. Well I listened to someone else’s well-meaning comments that were totally based in fear, I kept trying to make a place right that wasn’t, and all my fears around the incredible downloads and inner shifts were focused on the way I was handling the search. I forgot that I am always guided and provided for.
When I walked into the perfect place I actually had a worry that something was wrong because it was so easy. It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for and there was a time when I could have found a lot wrong (like I have to share a bathroom for the first time in 32 years). However, it was as if my higher self was in total control. I even found people to move me that are affordable. It took one phone call.
This whole experience has been a lovely reminder of how things can be in higher dimensional living IF I ALLOW IT.
When I first had an actual date to move by my intuition told me very clearly to start looking for a place on December 15. So I was clear and confident.
Then about 2 weeks after that (and 2 weeks before the 15th) a friend told me that she had been feeling that if I wait until then there would be no place for me. She also said I would have to rent in the very city I did NOT want to live in. Between her words and some intensely expensive trouble with my car, I became afraid. Let’s not forget that the 12/12 energies were designed to help us feel a lot of love and also to release (ie also feel) a lot of not-love or fear. So it was all good but nerve wracking
I began searching right away. I looked and looked, contacting many different prospective landlords and roommates. I was rejected by almost all and the ones that didn’t reject me I couldn’t stand. Then on the 15th all of a sudden the dam burst loose. I saw one place today and am seeing 4 more tomorrow.
What do you know – my intuition was right!!! I think I will believe myself about my car too (it is still in the shop)- that it will be alright.
Each day this week I have been shown how supported and protected I am. I have been shown the true meaning of abundance – where the support and connection to and from others comes in all forms other than and including money. My head knew it, my intuition expressed it, and my heart felt it and my ego recognized it. For a few days this was enough. Then the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back floated like a magical wand straight into my deep reservoir of not-so-hidden fear in the form of additional, and serious, car troubles.
I got help from a great energy healer and I felt more relaxed and calmer. Later in the evening I psychically saw myself opening to more light, expanding the amount of higher self that was integrating into my body. I felt it physically move through my body. It was if the transformation was so grand that I could not feel that I had a body for a short while.
THEN all that was not this light was exposed. Wave after wave of fear crashed up from wherever it had been suppressed. I was so overwhelmed and miserable. I was beside myself with it, restless, being taken over by it, and crying. I did a lot of yelling (begging) out to God for help. I also recalled quite clearly praying for a breakthrough just the day before (that will teach me).
After doing a lot of deep breathing, I remembered me – who I really am. I reached out for the eternal me – the authentic me, the expanded me and I took a stand. I declared to my ego that I would not use ANY of my coping mechanisms to feel better - no eating, no spending money, no whining on facebook, no going anywhere, and no calling anyone. Instead, I walked into the fear energy.
I felt the rawness of it, the soreness, and how congested and dense it was. I very clearly saw and felt a LOT of spirit guides chanting and helping. It kind of felt like breathing in mist only it was fear. The fear began dissipating the longer I stayed with it. So many visions came to me about the sources of the fear - from descending into being human (I thought I had to take on fear in order to live as human), from my culture/religion, from my father, from my mother, from lovers and friends, and from so many other people and lifetimes. All of it dissolving and transforming. The light expanded. What a relief. Tears of joy. The guides led me deeper into ritual and relaxation. I do not remember the chant or the ritual only that it was there. They murmured to me that NOW I can safely and successfully bring my higher 5D (or 6D) self into my conscious every day human life. Now my life here on earth will be easier.
Exhausted, I can breathe now.