This week I am reacting to all of that and integrating deeper.

When I make big changes, and I am sure this is true for some of you, I do a lot of healing and releasing then shift, then react, then release and heal more. The reaction stage included me falling back on some old behaviors, such as reconnecting with certain addictions (to sugar, complaining, self-sabotage). As I integrate further into the stage of living that I have yearned for my whole life (and in many other lives, if my intuitive memory serves me well) I realize even my reacting with addictions is part of me being god because it is ALL god.  It helps me to remember that so I can relax and allow even the old negativity to work its way through.  Choosing to be positive sometimes means the addiction to negativity has to heal and sometimes healing means it needs to express itself.  I just choose not to let it rule me anymore.

I also realize I am reacting to so much unfamiliarity.  This is what everything in my life has been leading up to. Every thing I chose had the goal of getting here in mind.  As I am transitioning to being comfortable with this full integration I am discombobulated about it all. On a psychic level I feel as if I am floating in the cosmic void as all kinds of expansion takes place inside.  I don’t know that I have any idea what the heck I am going to do now.  I am not sure I know how to just be without striving towards something, with accepting it is all god and nothing is bad or wrong with anything I choose or do.

It is very freeing and in that freedom I am.  I just am.  No direction needed, no obligation, no shoulds, no striving, nothing wrong, don’t have to MAKE anything happen; just being which is EXACTLY what I wanted.  Now What?

My inner wise voice says, "Now I let the integration continue.  Now I appreciate the contrast of how things are compared to my past.  Now I accept everything in my life with the knowing that all that matches this vibration of me, this wonderfully integrated being-ness, will be created for my life in an easy joyful way.  Now I relax and receive, even as I continue to give and share.  Now I appreciate all that shows up in my life as it will match this new me or match what I am expanding beyond.  Now I live my life."

I reached a tipping point a few weeks ago (as a friend calls it).  Prior to that my restlessness, my resistance and my fear reactions were so overwhelming I was miserable.  When I am like that the income flow ceases, although a wonderful friend was right there helping me to focus on the possibility of income flow from creative endeavors. She mitigated some of the extreme drama I tend to get into when I am resisting tipping over into the next phase or level of higher vibrational living. It is a pattern I apparently still follow.

I strongly resisted because I could only see the changes I didn’t want – earning most of my income doing what did NOT make my heart sing, possibly selling off more possessions, not having enough time for me or for art, maybe not having a working car, my body hurting from cleaning houses and the physical labor involved in other jobs, and less and less focus on spiritual healing –for me and with assisting others.  However, what has happened is that I opened a door, and scooted through, to a greater level of inner peace and joy. I am successfully integrating my perception of what is spiritual with my every day life.  It is kind of as I have described but not as I expected.

I have described it as being motivated by my own energy, my own sacredness, so that it doesn’t matter what I do or whom I am with in the human every day life.  It is more than that.  As I continue to integrate at this level of being-ness I am definitely inspired by my higher self as an aspect of God.  The surprise is that I am actually MORE engaged with my physical world rather than less and there is peace in that too.

Every single client drawn to me and every part time job I am drawn towards still involves me helping others.  I notice there is always some teaching involved even if the job is not directly spiritual (incidents spontaneously arise that create opportunities for me to remind people of their magnificence and connection to God).  I am closer to my friends than I have ever been and I am beginning to find the balance in working and alone time, carving out pieces of time for art and meditating.

Each choice seems to lead to something in my life being more nurturing and easier for me, even in the smallest things. I sold an end table and rearranged my living room to accommodate the shift in furniture.  It now feels cozier and I have carved out an area that is waaay more comfortable as an office and sewing space. More than that, after two years of living in this apartment I finally love my living room. I find that, at the moment I no longer have any urge to sell anything else I own.

Oh and my car stopped acting up as soon as I tipped into the newer energy of me.

I also am more discerning with my energy because I trust that I am creating income flow and abundance no matter what I think is happening in the moment.  I was even able to discontinue working with a client as I was intuitively guided rather than stick it out because of money worries.

I had felt very powerful in my spiritual work and very disempowered in my every day physical life.  This entire year has been about bridging that gap.  There is no gap any more.  It has balanced out and integrated.  I feel more whole inside too and much more peaceful, no longer needing to strive for healing.  It is like a switch was flipped and I am no longer practicing separation (even in thought) between my physical 'outer' world and my inner energies or higher vibration spirit.  I let go of the ego's need for that separation in order to feel important. 

I felt this particular step up in dimensional living quite strongly as I did it even though I think I am still surprised at the current results. I am quite comfortable, even joyous, at my level of contentment and creation.  I have never lived any length of time with the inner critic so calm.  I like it.

Rosie has been guiding me for a few weeks now.  She came as a new guide to help me open to more abundance and looks like a gorgeous little fairy with dark curly hair and a pink small dress.  She’s sassy, straight talking, educational and very magical.  I know she is a part of me but it is fun to have guidance come in this form.

We talk every day and now she is integrating into my consciousness rather than appearing as a separate guide.

She has taught me so much.  I have been focusing on opening to abundance in the physical world all year.  It has been my main focus as a matter of fact.  I have heard for years that there is lots of it around me but no one, NO ONE, has helped me get it into the physical world.  So that has been my mission this year.  Along the way I have had to do a lot more releasing, surrendering and expanding.

For instance, I narrowly defined abundance as having more of what I didn’t have – money, friendships, community, health.  Rosie has taught me that abundance shows up in the expansive energy, in the limitless places within.  Abundance is allowing ease in my life, more kindness to myself, more trust in things working out just fine, more physical comfort and beauty (this week in the form of flowers and some very high thread count sheets she wants me to buy), a strong balance between work and fun (since I worry about money all the time I tend to view everything I do as a way to earn more and it gets tedious; this week I actually went to the movies and enjoyed myself), and a lot of openness as to how money comes to me.

The results have been some astounding financial potential.  I still had to borrow money to pay rent but it was lent with graciousness and love (no judgment – at least none voiced or projected).  One of the jobs I have had since July but really diminished in the fall opened back up and I am now cleaning houses for it quite often.  I picked up a few clients who have needed help packing and another who needs help cataloguing and selling his antique and art collection before he loses his house.  Additionally, I am going next week to test for a possible permanent part time civil service job more in line with my business skills.  Lots of opportunity for enough income to actually pay my bills and perhaps even pay back some of the money I borrowed.

I am now coping with some deep internal sadness, and maybe a little depression, because none of these methods of earning income touch my heart or make my soul sing; and one of them is actually painful for my body. They are practical and I am grateful.  I know that is part of the reason it took so long for me to allow it all in – because I really wanted to create a magical life where I got to do only that for which I have great passion.  I am being reminded intuitively that everything has a purpose and to stay in the present moment and in the gratitude I have for this shift in my every day life.    It is part of my spiritual mastery.  I spend a lot of time breathing into any constriction or ego around what I have been holding on to tightly for 11 years as my passion.

One of the side serendipitous results of all the changing this year is that I have become a lot more positive and a lot less dramatic.  So I am following my guidance for all of these changes, choosing to believe they are leading me deeper into happiness and contentment, no matter what I do to earn income in this physical plane of existence.

I have also allowed more abundance through some pretty great friendships and a growing circle of spiritual support.  Just in the past few weeks I have come to know that all of the internal changes I have made are somehow also leading me to be ready for a mate.  I am not exactly sure how but I am thrilled about that.

I appreciate my ability to allow these kinds of shifts, to be ready for Rosie and whatever other part of me wishes to show up for wonderful guidance (and there is another part that I can just barely discern coming – it is more lavender in color), while I pray for stamina to weather the physical demands of all this work and healing for any emotional weariness arising from all the releasing of expectations and attachments. 

At first the doors seemed as if they wouldn’t open.  They were so heavy and corroded.  They had obviously been closed for a very long time and it didn’t seem as if there was enough help to open them.  I struggled, trying to push, then pull.  I prayed and then complained a lot.  I thought I oiled the rails on the bottom and cleared out all the debris but they had been closed for so long, maybe they just weren’t going to open.  No matter how much effort I expended, they stayed shut tight even though they bulged outward from the need to open to whatever was inside.

I did feel for a short moment what it could be like if those doors would open one day last week.  But the moment passed and I was left only with the memory and the intense desire to open them permanently, leading to me striving even harder.

 One day soon after that moment I spent some time with two incredible and generously supportive friends. They tended to the earth and space outside of the doors and helped sooth what was inside.  Everything began to blossom and respond to the attention.  One of those friends had the exact perfect frequency that he beamed to the doors.  My desire and need to have them open was so great I let him, although I could only take it in short bursts because the light was so bright and I became a little doubtful that I was worthy of this help.

Then a miracle occurred.  Without any further struggle, the doors to a much deeper level of my heart began to open, slowly, cautiously and happily.  They creaked and moaned as the energy inside peaked out and moved to integrate. I became aware that much of the internal discomfort I had been experiencing over the past 2 months was the feeling of those closed doors. I felt them long before they were ready to open and then wasn’t patient about it.  I thought I had gone backwards and closed down more and then tried to push the re-opening.

Today I am clear it was a step into me that I have been asking for and allowing.  I am so grateful and in love with my friends for being the extension of god that they are and fulfilling the role so sacredly yesterday that I needed.  I am aware that the activation, opening and loving was experienced by all of us in the way we each needed.  I needed my heart to go ahead and open.  Someone else needed support in moving into her next level of being.  The third person needed support in opening to his deeper purpose in this life to be comfortable taking the next step.  It was a magical day.  I am so in love with God right now.