So how are you feeling after this past month of intense purging of old emotional patterns, thoughts, beliefs and limitations? I am kind of feeling clean and new. I find I must keep my thoughts on the present because it helps me stay peaceful and open. I have learned that mental flexibility is the key for me to handle the spiritual expansion that continues each day. This ever-present mindfulness is a prayerful and sacred way to live – and very different, and new, for me.
I notice I am immediately reacting if I forget to be mindful about anything and if it is not in alignment with my energy. For instance, when I sew I do so from an intuitive meditative place. It is joyful and peaceful. However, the minute I begin to think of it as doing something to please someone else or if I push to try to get too much done in one sitting, I begin to feel tired and sick-ish. I feel fine once I stop and rest a bit.
Right now, I need to pay attention to every decision and every interaction as well as my own thoughts as I go about my day. It is a new path for me and one I am exploring cautiously as it can be kind of intense, even though there is a lot of freedom in being this mindful – freedom from so many limiting beliefs, thoughts and emotions. I am learning to enjoy that freedom and to be centered and grounded in the face of other people’s reactions to it.
I woke up today rested, all the turmoil of the past few months a memory. I worked around the house then went to a small city-made park overlooking the ocean and backing up to the Self-Realization Fellowship meditation gardens to meditate. After thanking the ocean and the sun, and tuning out some loud individuals, I was deep into meditation when a woman’s voice cried out “ Look at the dolphins”. I was startled but got to see two dolphins playing in the ocean. She apologized for interrupting my meditations. She was so enthused and inspired by the sight she didn’t even think about what was going on around her.(The funny thing is she was standing there with her beautiful 8 month old, her own miracle, yet she was moved even more by the dophins.)
As I stood there marveling over the crystals dancing on the ocean from the sun, in the warmth on New Year’s Day, I was wondering why my meditation was so clearly divinely interrupted (at least that is how it felt to me). I intuitively received the info that meditation for me at this vibratory level is not about going so inward that I am separate from my physical surroundings but by expanding into my knowingness so much that I connect to all of god’s energy, including my physical surroundings, in my prayerful, mindful living.
So it turns out that no matter how much you think you know what drives certain circumstances or relationship behaviors in your life, sometimes it takes a while before it clicks enough that you can actually change that energy. One of the issues I was urged to purge this past week has to do with the reason I rehearse all kinds of angry thoughts in my head. I would be angry at someone for how I thought I was treated but I didn’t say anything at the time, thinking it was just me and I would breathe into it and all would be well. Well it is true that the source of the anger is within me but I generally ended up submerging it rather than healing it and then eating sugar and fats to numb out. I spent a day last week so immersed in that anger that if even the slightest bit of it comes up now I feel sickened. Luckily so much of it came up that I had a breakthrough.
I was thinking of a certain circumstance again (just one of the many) when all of a sudden I had one of those lovely perspective shifts. I was angry because it was so difficult to work with a certain friend and the only reason I was working with her was so she could have some extra income, but I thought she wasn’t appropriately grateful nor did she support me in the work we had to do at all (as a matter of fact some things were actually harder because she was there). It came up again last week even though I haven’t worked with her for 8 months or so. However, it was the thought in my mind when the aha moment hit.
It turns out I was/am angry because I chose to continue giving her some work even though it wasn’t comfortable working with her. I am angry that I lessened my income when she makes a lot more than I do overall. I am angry that I was looking for some validation from her (actually I was angry she never validates me and angrier that I still want it from anyone). I was angry because she only talks to me when it fits her schedule but I will sit and wait for her phone calls, postponing my own errands or fun time. She never asked me to do any of this and I am not sure what her expectations are around it, and my relationship with her isn’t the only example of this. The issue is MINE and the choices were mine to make. It was the expedient way to handle abusive parents and so I have continued the patterns (I am sure I chose those specific parents thinking if they abused me enough I would finally break free of this victim/rescuer/codependent behavior – well I am, just a bit later in life.)
So after doing a lot of self-forgiveness work, and getting help from some healer friends, I declare that I am taking care of myself and I am loving myself. I know I am worth it. This victim energy is over - especially where I still think I have to make everyone else happy in order to get small bits of support/comfort or income (or what passes for love), or where I need certain people do to certain things in order for me to feel ok. O-V-E-R.
It is beyond time to stop pretending I am powerless even as I expand into my god consciousness in this human body. The best part is the inner calm after months of pressure building and what felt like a big cataclysmic purge last week. What a way to end the year.
So after all the inner drama and fear that came up around my guidance to move, that I shared in recent blogs, I started thinking. (Not sure if that was a good thing but it happened.) Do you know sometimes intuitive guidance comes to you just to trigger an inner change? Did you also know that it often presents itself a certain way because of inner limiting beliefs?
In my case the deeper message seems to be go inward more than I have been, to lighten up my vibration even more. In my experience I have more space to do that in Arizona because it is hotter there so I am more sluggish and less active, there are less people so it is psychically quieter and I found it quite boring (because of my interests and tastes in a certain way of living) compared to where I have lived in California. When you combine that with the fact that I am very tired of how hard I have to work to earn the most basic amount of income here in CA and that recently my deep connection to the ocean seems to have dissolved, it is no wonder my mind interpreted the call to go deeper as it is time to move.
AND it may be time to move.
I am just exploring what I know to be true from my experience about intuitive guidance. I am also making sure to focus on my expanded awareness (higher consciousness) even while I have made plans to meditate more. If and when it might be time to move everything will line up in my physical life to make it happen. Whatever is the true cause of all the fear that was triggered is already revealing itself (and it has nothing to do with a physical move) and will heal as time goes on.
As you lighten up and move into higher vibrational living your focus stays in the present moment more and more and you generally heal enough that you won’t be as controlled by your ego or your inner emotions as you were at lower vibrational living. However, you do become more childlike in that you don’t hide those emotions either. All the ‘rules’ you have been taught about how to act or what emotion to show or feel fall away. You become who you truly are– a complex aspect of God in a human body. So you may be happy one moment and sad the next. You can be soulfully moved because of the most innocuous interactions or the tiniest of things. You can do all of this and not be lost in the emotions because they flow so easily.
I have gone from someone so controlled by my emotions my mind couldn’t get a word in edgewise (in spite of my fierce intellect) to someone who is much more in the moment- emotionally and mentally. That means what feels like panic one day can lessen into confusion or resentment the next and change to acceptance the next day (or it can all happen in moments). I have been guided for years to share my processing and lightening quick emotional changes so that others can become more aware of their own complexity and, perhaps, come to some level of self-acceptance. It is also very helpful to know that the spiritual growth process is not a linear one free of detours or obstacles, which you might believe if you read some people’s writings or channelings.
Unfortunately, I know by now that when I share I trigger other people’s judgments, including the need for some of them to tell me I am doing it wrong or am overreacting (or give me unasked for advice). Most of the time it is ok because I do my best to follow my own guidance no matter what anyone else thinks or what the accepted behavior is in this society. Yes, sometimes it annoys me, but that feeling passes pretty quickly too.
Being in the moment isn’t a way to control anything; it is a way to allow everything. The more present you are, the more authentic you are and the smoother your spiritual awakening will proceed.
I am being intuitively guided to do something (move) even though I know that I don’t have to do it. The dilemma is that guidance to make a change usually addresses what is in my highest and best good given whatever is going on inside of me rather than what is most comfortable for me as a human. Moving will assist with more growth and expansion of my consciousness in a way that will either be difficult here or much slower, but I am finally getting some momentum with a basic level of income needed to survive here (after 3 years).
The choice is getting harder to make to follow what is in my highest and best good as I grow weary of this struggle to maintain a comfortable human life on the physical plane of existence, especially when guided to move. There ARE days of wonderful sacred joy, but the gap between that type of energy and what I feel in my everyday life is painful and getting worse.
I had hoped the gap would be bridged by now and I am sure that is part of my purpose here on earth – to bridge that gap and continue to integrate the highest vibration of me into my body. However, I have not done it and I am not sure I can. For some reason, my growth has involved a lot of releasing (i.e. loss) and not a lot of replenishing with outside comfort, companionship or prosperity, or enough inner acceptance, love or sense of well-being. I am sure it has to do with my inner beliefs, lineage and whatever I am here to do because I see others expanding/opening while they have families, prosperity, health etc. I have not yet been successful in creating any kind of balance.
I know I am not alone in this which is why I feel comfortable writing about it. Usually this feeling of weariness lifts pretty quickly as I do some inner nourishing but this time it has been sticking around for a couple of months. I am also finding the channelings from others about future wonderfulness as well as my own intuition that things in my life will get better NOT COMFORTING as I have heard and read it all before without noticing that wonderfulness in my own life, no matter how positive I think/act or how much I appreciate what is here now. On a more positive note, I have come to the point of less attachment which creates less stress, and I do have more moments of inner peace but my physical life doesn’t get easier. I just handle the discomfort better (most of the time).
So what to do? Well I am just continuing with what I need to do to survive financially, trying to meditate and pray more, and I am kinder to myself when I seek out distractions (usually through books and movies). I know some insight will come and I will love up all the inner hopelessness and wondering what the heck I am doing here anyway, and move on. I think I will also focus on making more art.
Two days ago I was feeling very peaceful about finally letting go of the resistance, which had been building up for a few months, to allow the intuitive guidance to move to come to consciousness. Yesterday the fear and anxiety hit.
Now keep in mind along with the intuitive guidance about this move came intuitive reassurance about how it would be different than the others, how I would be supported and it would be easier. Also, I wouldn’t be moving for another 6 months, giving me plenty of time to line everything up. Apparently my mind and little inner child decided they (we, I) don’t believe that. Yes, even as I write that I am aware of the absurdity of picking and choosing which part of the intuitive guidance I decide to believe, and the fact that I still have doubt after all these years, but I guess it is an opportunity to heal some more inner fears and release long held beliefs.
I thought when I moved to southern CA that I would be here the rest of my life. Then I went deeply into some inner healing and expansion that changed everything. Now I know I moved to CA partly because I couldn’t accept that I would not be creating a spiritual healing business in this life and I needed a break in my environment to grow into that understanding, and to accept that my focus here on earth is about enlightenment only - not getting a partner, not having a certain way of earning income, not having a certain number of friends etc. Those relationships and circumstances may occur but they are not my focus no matter how much I want them to be. My path for that seems to involve total focus on a lot of conscious growth and integration, rather than doing it in the background while I try to have a life similar to those around me.
Then the wondering about this move started rumbling around inside of me– is this just like the other moves? Will I get there, get comfortable with being there, finally get some income flowing and then have to move somewhere else? Is it a move just to stimulate more growth and I will move through acquaintances and relationships just like I have in the past, and then be guided to move again? Is this just my ego talking because I am feeling rather stuck and bored (i.e. done) with Southern CA? How can I move this time with no financial resources to make it happen like I had for the other moves and when I am so tired from trying to scrape up jobs to survive here? I can’t tell from the emotional and energetic place I am in now. I am hoping my upcoming visit to the new area will help me out with some of these answers. What I do know is that if such a large part of me is happy about moving and feels in alignment with it, and it is, and I choose NOT to move because of the fear, which I can do, then things where I am now will get harder and harder until I make the choice that brings me back into alignment with my higher purpose/good.
After a restless night during which I took a lot of Rescue Remedy (Bach Flower Essences that REALLY help me ease emotional turmoil), I am
more accepting today; not necessarily back to being at peace, but more accepting. The funny thing is that I knew I have been obsessing about the new area since September, but I didn’t put it all together because I was conjuring up this fantasy that I would only move after I met a partner and it must be that he had a house there. When I got over that, and, with the help of several healers and more Bach Flower Essences, I was able to clearly understand my intuitive guidance.
So my prayer today is for acceptance, alignment with my commitment to deep integration of my higher self and receptiveness – so I will be open to all the support that is already lined up for me.
Here I am, another Christmas alone. This year it is a blessed relief as I have either been too busy to sit still or too wound up to relax. Today I am doing both, and meditating. As I reflect on this past year and the years leading up to this one I am aware of the steady improvement in my life. There is now a certain basic income level that ensures I won’t be living on the streets (vastly different than many of the past 11 years), some lovely friends that are consistently supportive, and an ever-expanding awareness of the inner trust and allowing that is leading to an ever-improving attitude and energy. I also have a strong intuitive feeling that more community and a life partner is also on the way.
After everything I have been through I am doing my best not to be attached to these observations or intuitive future information. But today, when it is sunny, warmish, clear, and quiet, because so many people are home celebrating a holiday I do not identify with, I believe in the possibilities. I can very clearly connect with the quiet contentment inside and the patience and trust to allow it all to unfold.
Who knew I would ever use the word patience while referring to myself? But as the trust grows so does the patience. What a serendipitous gift!! No future tripping, or past regretting right now. Just being in this moment, knowing that all this inner work has had some positive effect and that it could create even more. Plus the hope that it will.
All is well.
WOW - fear is amazing and seemingly neverending. Each time I get ready to transition to a new level of being I experience fear. This time I have been experiencing it for a few days and I DON"T LIKE IT!!!! LOL!!
My mind has been using my computer and income woes as a distraction but I know that is not the source of my fear. I have even been trying to latch onto the fact that my best source of spiritual assistance from another human is gone. I know THAT is not the source of my fear either. Actually I have been so supported financially that several people have stepped up with money to help me out and I am still afraid and cannot calm down.
What I know is that this is a huge step for me - moving completely into trust and living all the way in the present moment. I am being asked to be the expanded being I have been flirting with for years without having any of the help I thought I needed to be able to do that - no consistant income at a level that actually works for me, no closeby friends or community, no partner and not even good health. And I am afraid. I had a beautiful breakthrough the fear last night where I became so clear about how I am trying to redirect the fear (to the income issues I mentioned before). I also felt it lessen to a tolerable level but I am still expierencing it.
I do know I will get through this and come out of it feeling fantastic, appreciating god and life even more than I ever thought possible. But for now I am noticing and appreciating that I am afraid AND I am still allowing the expansion and opening to continue.
By the way please don't write me to tell me not to be or feel afraid - that is kind of silly (and irritating) and if I could I would, and when I can I will.
Balance is an interesting issue. Most people opening to their authentic selves do so over time as an aside to working, relating, perhaps raising kids, or perhaps going to school. I function the opposite way. My primary focus is on spiritual awakening and the rest fits in between or with that. We talk about balancing the spiritual with the mundane every day world but is creating and maintaining balance really the question? Maybe while you are new to this awakening process or in the middle of a particularly painful process balance can be something you have to create. However, as time goes on and your resistance fades there is nothing to balance because there is no separation between your authentic self/spiritual awakening and your every day life. We sometimes forget it is all connected energetically. As you allow your awakening to deepen and progress you notice more and more how your every day life is also infused with the same energy you experience within yourself. For instance, I finished a re-birthing last week and re-discovered an incredible quiet and peace inside. Every day after that when I went anywhere I noticed how quiet everything outside of me seemed. Now I live in a very crowded area of northern San Diego County. I have always been sensitive to how noisy it seems to me after moving here from a much quieter, less populated, area. But what do you know? As soon as I quieted down inside, it seems like outside is much quieter too. I know the weather didn’t change, the shoppers and drivers didn’t change, nor did my neighbors change. I changed. And that has made all the difference (to lift a quote from one of my favorite poems). Purposely seeking balance occurs when we are unhappy with what is and are not letting any changes flow from within. You can impose your will and try to make a balance but there will always be some aspect of controlling going on and that tends to drain your energy after time. If you are like me, you then rebel and/or get all upset about it. If you allow the balance to come as a result of your inner shifts in energy/attitude it will seem more natural and acceptable in the long run. You will also be able to experience more flexibility in your every day life.