This week I am reacting to all of that and integrating deeper.
When I make big changes, and I am sure this is true for some of you, I do a lot of healing and releasing then shift, then react, then release and heal more. The reaction stage included me falling back on some old behaviors, such as reconnecting with certain addictions (to sugar, complaining, self-sabotage). As I integrate further into the stage of living that I have yearned for my whole life (and in many other lives, if my intuitive memory serves me well) I realize even my reacting with addictions is part of me being god because it is ALL god. It helps me to remember that so I can relax and allow even the old negativity to work its way through. Choosing to be positive sometimes means the addiction to negativity has to heal and sometimes healing means it needs to express itself. I just choose not to let it rule me anymore.
I also realize I am reacting to so much unfamiliarity. This is what everything in my life has been leading up to. Every thing I chose had the goal of getting here in mind. As I am transitioning to being comfortable with this full integration I am discombobulated about it all. On a psychic level I feel as if I am floating in the cosmic void as all kinds of expansion takes place inside. I don’t know that I have any idea what the heck I am going to do now. I am not sure I know how to just be without striving towards something, with accepting it is all god and nothing is bad or wrong with anything I choose or do.
It is very freeing and in that freedom I am. I just am. No direction needed, no obligation, no shoulds, no striving, nothing wrong, don’t have to MAKE anything happen; just being which is EXACTLY what I wanted. Now What?
My inner wise voice says, "Now I let the integration continue. Now I appreciate the contrast of how things are compared to my past. Now I accept everything in my life with the knowing that all that matches this vibration of me, this wonderfully integrated being-ness, will be created for my life in an easy joyful way. Now I relax and receive, even as I continue to give and share. Now I appreciate all that shows up in my life as it will match this new me or match what I am expanding beyond. Now I live my life."
I reached a tipping point a few weeks ago (as a friend calls it). Prior to that my restlessness, my resistance and my fear reactions were so overwhelming I was miserable. When I am like that the income flow ceases, although a wonderful friend was right there helping me to focus on the possibility of income flow from creative endeavors. She mitigated some of the extreme drama I tend to get into when I am resisting tipping over into the next phase or level of higher vibrational living. It is a pattern I apparently still follow.
I strongly resisted because I could only see the changes I didn’t want – earning most of my income doing what did NOT make my heart sing, possibly selling off more possessions, not having enough time for me or for art, maybe not having a working car, my body hurting from cleaning houses and the physical labor involved in other jobs, and less and less focus on spiritual healing –for me and with assisting others. However, what has happened is that I opened a door, and scooted through, to a greater level of inner peace and joy. I am successfully integrating my perception of what is spiritual with my every day life. It is kind of as I have described but not as I expected.
I have described it as being motivated by my own energy, my own sacredness, so that it doesn’t matter what I do or whom I am with in the human every day life. It is more than that. As I continue to integrate at this level of being-ness I am definitely inspired by my higher self as an aspect of God. The surprise is that I am actually MORE engaged with my physical world rather than less and there is peace in that too.
Every single client drawn to me and every part time job I am drawn towards still involves me helping others. I notice there is always some teaching involved even if the job is not directly spiritual (incidents spontaneously arise that create opportunities for me to remind people of their magnificence and connection to God). I am closer to my friends than I have ever been and I am beginning to find the balance in working and alone time, carving out pieces of time for art and meditating.
Each choice seems to lead to something in my life being more nurturing and easier for me, even in the smallest things. I sold an end table and rearranged my living room to accommodate the shift in furniture. It now feels cozier and I have carved out an area that is waaay more comfortable as an office and sewing space. More than that, after two years of living in this apartment I finally love my living room. I find that, at the moment I no longer have any urge to sell anything else I own.
Oh and my car stopped acting up as soon as I tipped into the newer energy of me.
I also am more discerning with my energy because I trust that I am creating income flow and abundance no matter what I think is happening in the moment. I was even able to discontinue working with a client as I was intuitively guided rather than stick it out because of money worries.
I had felt very powerful in my spiritual work and very disempowered in my every day physical life. This entire year has been about bridging that gap. There is no gap any more. It has balanced out and integrated. I feel more whole inside too and much more peaceful, no longer needing to strive for healing. It is like a switch was flipped and I am no longer practicing separation (even in thought) between my physical 'outer' world and my inner energies or higher vibration spirit. I let go of the ego's need for that separation in order to feel important.
I felt this particular step up in dimensional living quite strongly as I did it even though I think I am still surprised at the current results. I am quite comfortable, even joyous, at my level of contentment and creation. I have never lived any length of time with the inner critic so calm. I like it.
Rosie has been guiding me for a few weeks now. She came as a new guide to help me open to more abundance and looks like a gorgeous little fairy with dark curly hair and a pink small dress. She’s sassy, straight talking, educational and very magical. I know she is a part of me but it is fun to have guidance come in this form.
We talk every day and now she is integrating into my consciousness rather than appearing as a separate guide.
She has taught me so much. I have been focusing on opening to abundance in the physical world all year. It has been my main focus as a matter of fact. I have heard for years that there is lots of it around me but no one, NO ONE, has helped me get it into the physical world. So that has been my mission this year. Along the way I have had to do a lot more releasing, surrendering and expanding.
For instance, I narrowly defined abundance as having more of what I didn’t have – money, friendships, community, health. Rosie has taught me that abundance shows up in the expansive energy, in the limitless places within. Abundance is allowing ease in my life, more kindness to myself, more trust in things working out just fine, more physical comfort and beauty (this week in the form of flowers and some very high thread count sheets she wants me to buy), a strong balance between work and fun (since I worry about money all the time I tend to view everything I do as a way to earn more and it gets tedious; this week I actually went to the movies and enjoyed myself), and a lot of openness as to how money comes to me.
The results have been some astounding financial potential. I still had to borrow money to pay rent but it was lent with graciousness and love (no judgment – at least none voiced or projected). One of the jobs I have had since July but really diminished in the fall opened back up and I am now cleaning houses for it quite often. I picked up a few clients who have needed help packing and another who needs help cataloguing and selling his antique and art collection before he loses his house. Additionally, I am going next week to test for a possible permanent part time civil service job more in line with my business skills. Lots of opportunity for enough income to actually pay my bills and perhaps even pay back some of the money I borrowed.
I am now coping with some deep internal sadness, and maybe a little depression, because none of these methods of earning income touch my heart or make my soul sing; and one of them is actually painful for my body. They are practical and I am grateful. I know that is part of the reason it took so long for me to allow it all in – because I really wanted to create a magical life where I got to do only that for which I have great passion. I am being reminded intuitively that everything has a purpose and to stay in the present moment and in the gratitude I have for this shift in my every day life. It is part of my spiritual mastery. I spend a lot of time breathing into any constriction or ego around what I have been holding on to tightly for 11 years as my passion.
One of the side serendipitous results of all the changing this year is that I have become a lot more positive and a lot less dramatic. So I am following my guidance for all of these changes, choosing to believe they are leading me deeper into happiness and contentment, no matter what I do to earn income in this physical plane of existence.
I have also allowed more abundance through some pretty great friendships and a growing circle of spiritual support. Just in the past few weeks I have come to know that all of the internal changes I have made are somehow also leading me to be ready for a mate. I am not exactly sure how but I am thrilled about that.
I appreciate my ability to allow these kinds of shifts, to be ready for Rosie and whatever other part of me wishes to show up for wonderful guidance (and there is another part that I can just barely discern coming – it is more lavender in color), while I pray for stamina to weather the physical demands of all this work and healing for any emotional weariness arising from all the releasing of expectations and attachments.
At first the doors seemed as if they wouldn’t open. They were so heavy and corroded. They had obviously been closed for a very long time and it didn’t seem as if there was enough help to open them. I struggled, trying to push, then pull. I prayed and then complained a lot. I thought I oiled the rails on the bottom and cleared out all the debris but they had been closed for so long, maybe they just weren’t going to open. No matter how much effort I expended, they stayed shut tight even though they bulged outward from the need to open to whatever was inside.
I did feel for a short moment what it could be like if those doors would open one day last week. But the moment passed and I was left only with the memory and the intense desire to open them permanently, leading to me striving even harder.
One day soon after that moment I spent some time with two incredible and generously supportive friends. They tended to the earth and space outside of the doors and helped sooth what was inside. Everything began to blossom and respond to the attention. One of those friends had the exact perfect frequency that he beamed to the doors. My desire and need to have them open was so great I let him, although I could only take it in short bursts because the light was so bright and I became a little doubtful that I was worthy of this help.
Then a miracle occurred. Without any further struggle, the doors to a much deeper level of my heart began to open, slowly, cautiously and happily. They creaked and moaned as the energy inside peaked out and moved to integrate. I became aware that much of the internal discomfort I had been experiencing over the past 2 months was the feeling of those closed doors. I felt them long before they were ready to open and then wasn’t patient about it. I thought I had gone backwards and closed down more and then tried to push the re-opening.
Today I am clear it was a step into me that I have been asking for and allowing. I am so grateful and in love with my friends for being the extension of god that they are and fulfilling the role so sacredly yesterday that I needed. I am aware that the activation, opening and loving was experienced by all of us in the way we each needed. I needed my heart to go ahead and open. Someone else needed support in moving into her next level of being. The third person needed support in opening to his deeper purpose in this life to be comfortable taking the next step. It was a magical day. I am so in love with God right now.
When your higher self wants you to know something, it makes sure to get your attention. Thank God and myself that I can sometimes pay attention before it gets too drastic. There was a time when that wasn’t true.
Today I participated in an email discussion about how sometimes once you have done all the healing you can do and learned your own skills and talent all you can do is follow the waves – surrender to destiny and the energy flow. My part of the discussion was to say I am not good at this!! He pointed out the wisdom.
Then when working with a client we supported the healing of an overlay of helplessness/hopelessness that was assimilated at a certain level within our energy fields, i.e. the feeling of not wanting to continue healing or showing up in the present moment because it wouldn’t make any difference. This is an issue I have been struggling with for a long time and have been very frustrated that I can’t seem to move it. During the session I was told that it was not possible to release the helplessness/hopelessness before 9/9 because the energy of earth and the human mass consciousness was not ready. It is such a big issue that a certain amount of energy at a certain level of the human mass consciousness had to raise to a higher vibration before we could heal it individually.
So more proof that sometimes waiting is important and it is all you can do. I clearly need to pay attention to timing for those issues I cannot seem to heal or release.
BUT as I was waking up I heard very clearly in my head that I was trying to go back to the place I was and I cannot. I am going to a new place and I do not have the full directions or location yet, but I am getting there.
I have been struggling more than usual over the past few months. I made a momentous change, along with the earth’s energy, to integrate more of my higher self into the physical. I had been focusing on being extremely spiritual and it was time for balancing. But the struggle, born from intense fear, is that all of a sudden everything felt so different and I panicked. I have not had the best of times here in the physical world and all those memories came back as soon as a higher version of me tried to settle within the physical body (because the physical body is now clearing at a deeper level and shifting to a higher vibration). I found myself doing things I used to do - going to a sewing group, trying some other familiar groups and events – to regain my equilibrium. I even fell back on an old pattern of trying to connect to some people through complaining – connecting through my wounds as Carolyn Myss calls it. Luckily both of these people called me on it right away.
So this dream was an answer to my frustrated prayer for help about what has been going on. I am able to be calmer today. I would love to have the answers about where I AM going but clearly answers do come in the right timing. So I am thanking my higher self for the support.
October 1st. Thank God. That means the energies of next year are already swirling about. I am going into my 5 year. I am thankful to be leaving the 4 year – the year of hardship. In numerology 5 is the year of change and it is the number of my name. I am hoping for positive change.
Between the forgiveness exercise I did Tuesday, my dream Tuesday night and a healing attunement I began yesterday, plus some diet and supplement changes I began on Sunday, I am already feeling better. The cooler weather helps also.
So now I am embracing the part of me that equates feeling better with manifesting better things for myself in the physical world any time soon. That equation, especially the expectant time frame, leads to impatience and disappointment and I don’t want to be wallowing in those emotions any more. I know, I know all the new agers say one leads to the other. It might. It might not. Hard to know. I DO KNOW my expectation of that has caused me lots of pain in my past and I am choosing not to go that way now or in my future.
Once again I am aware I am being guided to write my book, walk and enjoy every day. Funny, at the moment I have no desire to make art. Weird. But I cannot push it so I packed up all my art supplies neatly for the next time I decide to make anything. My apartment looks so big with everything put away, empty actually.
I am learning to heal that old energy/emotion of not knowing what to do with myself when I feel good and have a lot of energy. I have not connected closely with too many people here so I don’t have people to turn to for entertainment or distraction. Since my business isn’t booming and no one is contacting me from all the job applications I don’t have a lot of income, therefore I am not comfortable spending much money. It leaves me at loose ends. Even the beach gets tiresome when you go every single day. So what to do with myself? What to do?
It appears to be a good time to ‘love up’ my self saboteur because when I don’t have a lot to do I start trying to fall back into some old negative thoughts. But you know, I have changed. Those thoughts no longer feel right in my head. It is kind of like my ego wanting to fall back into an old pattern but the pattern really doesn’t fit anymore – it is a memory of a pattern rather than a pattern engraved into my energy. I am grateful to realize that as it provides the opportunity for me to stay consciously aware of my thoughts and of what is comfortable for me now. I am learning myself more and more every day.
Everything is new. When I was young I expected that so it was fine and exciting. Now I find myself frustrated and tired. When I can just ignore any past expectations and grasp all the new with the wonderment of a child it IS exciting and energetic and I want more and more. It seems I am relearning how to live, without all the rote habits and definitions. The tiredness and frustration comes from the transition from one way to another. I cannot go back because this is who I am now but part of me is being retrained and has been resisting and really needs more time at this. it isn’t any different than training a muscle to move differently. It is VERY tiring at first because it is used to moving one way only and it has to reshape and be stimulated differently to move in a different way. It is the same with my thoughts and emotions.
As I write this I am enjoying this understanding. Living it every day is taking some concentration and more conscious awareness moment to moment than I am used to. No wonder there are days when I am very tired. What a good reason to be tired!!! YAY!!
I woke up today with energy and readiness to move forward. I am so grateful. I wrote some ofthe book without whining in my head. I walked to the library and back (3.5 miles). I felt full of optimism, hope and energy without any restlessness that often accompanies having energy. I have no idea what caused this but I am very grateful for it.
I have spent over 2 months not feeling well physically and many months more going through emotional stuff. I have been doing a lot more inner healing and integrating into the physical – which of course brought up a lot of old emotions/beleifs stored in the phsyical. Does that mean that today I am done with the digging up of the old? Maybe for a time. Hard to know if there is a ‘done’.
I like this state of being. I am not crazed with trying to find something to do. I am enjoying the beautiful cool weather. I am not impatient (well except for when the computer at the library wouldn’t play the video I wanted to watch!!) or immersed in negative self-talk. I am more aware of the self-talk that goes on in the background but it is not overwhelming or triggering negative emotions.
I am also not wanting to do a lot of meditation or inner work right now. If it comes up that is ok but I am not trying to do it so I feel better.
I go through periods like this. It is my desire to live my life this grounded and peaceful brushed with the light of joy.
I have a dilemma. As an empath I often feel what other people are feeling and if I am not paying careful attention I forget that it is their stuff not mine. It happens when I work with clients and it happens with friends. I feel emotions AND physical sensations (lucky me- sarcastically said).
At the moment I have a friend who has helped me through so much but our paths diverged somewhat beginning in August so we cut back dramatically on the amount of energy healing or spiritual growth work we do with each other. I am going through a lot now and desired help so I have been talking to her again.
However, each time I talk to her I am aware of a lot of despair and negativity. I also cough and have other physical symptoms. We laugh about it. When I ask my own intuition if I should be talking to her I get a no but I don’t know if that is the part of me that doesn’t want to heal or the part of me that is aware that I am feeling her stuff and not mine. Because I don’t know if what is coming up is mine or hers. When I am not on the phone with her I do not cough and my mood immediately lightens. Wouldn’t the emotions remain if they were mine? Am I walking around truly feeling this bad but in denial? I truly cannot find the same panic inside of me when I am not on the phone with her. Yes, there is a part of me that thinks I should be panicking but I don’t actually feel like I am. I have been in denial before so my mind wants to go there but something isn’t letting me. I can’t ask the other two people I usually ask because they are living too much in the 3rd dimension and have huge money issues and can’t understand why I wouldn’t be panicking about my finance situation. ARGGH!!
When I have a client I just ask the client if he/she is noticing whatever it is I feel. This person does not feel her emotions or doesn’t talk about them, and, except for the cough, everything I that comes up is emotional, so I do not get accurate feedback when I ask. She ALWAYS says it is what I am really feeling.
So if it is what I am feeling is it ready to heal or is she triggering deep fears that aren’t quite ready – is that why I don’t feel it when I am not on the phone? And if it is not mine but her energy and I am interpreting it as negative emotions, how do I not feel them when I talk to her? Tricky stuff.
There is nothing much I can do about it except pray and intend that I am surrendering to my higher self for healing/transformation because what is DEFINITELY try is that I cannot figure this out with my mind. In my heart I know I want to be as calm, accepting and loving as I can be AND trust that I will create abundance in the physical world and allow myself to be taken care of financially as well as any other way. I am assuming this is a step along the way.
This may seem like an unusual topic for someone leading a spiritual life and trying to live as god in a human body but I think it is totally appropriate. Self-acceptance and loving myself are the foundation of my spiritual evolution.
I have worked on it, surrendered to it, made great strides in that area and continue to allow more evolution in my acceptance of my self and in loving myself unconditionally. Yet… I am finding as this level of my integration (of my intense spiritual awareness and expansion into my human body) progresses all kinds of difficulties are arising from the schism in my intuitive knowing, as well as energetic shifts, and the old ingrained and entrained American societal rules.
My energy did a shift on Wednesday night and I woke up Thursday feeling great. I had a lot of physical energy and interest. My spirits lifted. Today I felt pretty good also, except during a conversation with someone and a tiny bit afterwards. But I noticed something interesting, something I have noticed it before but it sort of really yelled at me today.
I felt very pretty today. I felt happy with myself and my body. When I feel uplifted I think I look good and sexy, my step has a bounce in it, I am at peace with the world. I feel awash in soft love for me and for every one else. My hair cooperates and hangs beautifully too!! Really, it does.
Then I looked in the mirror and saw an overweight, middle-aged, not so pretty person staring back at me and immediately deflated. My own inner judgment about what a sexy, vital person looks like got in my way. Apparently my evolution needs a bit more work!!!
It is like that with me. When I am connected inside to Source I feel beautiful. When I get disconnected all I do is judge and complain. Normal for anyone but now because of the separation in the dimensions on and of earth I CAN’T STAND IT.
So this afternoon I intended all of the old beliefs, agreements, judgments and negativity (again, my judgment) transform and catch up with the rest of me that is enjoying my journey through the higher vibrations. I watched a few hours of tv shows on the computer then went to an art reception yesterday early evening and enjoyed myself.
After all of that, last night when I looked in the mirror I loved the way I looked.