Recently I have been very angry with someone who has been a friend for a long time. Everything about her that I normally can deal with was making the anger worse. I was beside myself with frustration that I couldn’t let it go and wondered over and over why it was so intense. She wasn’t doing or acting in any way different than she usually does. However, no matter how often I embraced that anger or loved up the judgment (and asked forgiveness from her and her higher self) the anger stuck around and stayed very focused on her.
After a lot of inner work on other things, I finally realized I was angry because for a specific length of time a she was representing a lot of my fears and it was easier to blame her or focus on her than my own insecurities and issues. I am revisiting all the stuff I let people do to me in this life due to my lack of self-esteem so I am particularly sensitive to the slightest whiff of disrespect (intended or not). I had been experiencing another level of anguish over my faith (or lack of faith) in my intuitive guidance or that the universe will take care of me in a positive way and therefore was trying to make an income strictly from whatever came my way, even if it wasn’t in my highest and best good. Additionally, because of my fear around my income level many of my decisions were clearly fear based (a job I took and stayed with for too long, not purchasing certain basic things I needed, clinging to past negative experiences as my guide post for not offering healing classes, and asking her’s and other people’s opinions when I was in resistance). All of these things were mirrored and encouraged by certain things this friend does, says or believes, including her denial that she has any fear or makes any decisions from fear (something I do – in my mind at least).
I also mistook what is fear for practicality. It was time for me to heal at a deeper and to recognize, and appropriately detach, from my dependence on her beliefs and approval and from the fears she was mirroring so beautifully. As a result I have integrated my spiritual awareness to a deeper level and made great leaps in bridging the physical and ego with the spiritual energies of me, all while releasing a lot of pent up/suppressed negative emotions. An intense learning experience, for sure.
I am deeply grateful for her willingness to mirror this for me. I bet we are all like that to at least one other person but this past month I got to see it within her and me clearly. God Bless her and everyone else in my life who agreed to be this kind of mirror and/or catalyst for my continued growth.
I recently attended a meeting at a catholic church to hear a lay person speak. This person has been documented as dying and coming back to life 3 days later. Now he goes around to Catholic churches testifying about his personal relationship with Jesus (he talks to and hears from Jesus every day) and praying over their prayer petitions (they write what their prayers on paper and put them in a box for him to take and pray over later). He is not allowed by the Catholic church to do hands on healing and he abides by their rules. I am not Catholic or even Christian but something about this drew me. I follow my intuition, so I went. I prayed to be open-minded and to support any healing needed (by me and others). When I first saw this man I felt a wash of loving and gentle energy flow through me, kind of like people talk about being touched by the holy spirit. My heart opened even more while I sat there. I petitioned for healing for my liver and blood sugar issues.
I woke in the middle of the night going through some kind of energy healing. I felt the energy – stronger than when I was at the meeting – flow through my entire body. My skin tingled. I did not see the exact time but my instinct tells me it was around 3am. I felt very alive and wide awake yet didn’t move. As soon as the energy stopped moving I went right back to sleep.
When I woke up the next day my blood sugar had dropped 30 points – HUGE for me. I also found myself rejecting my inner needy child’s desire for snacks and sugar throughout the day. WOW!! Really WOW is all I can even write or say about this. There was a time I wouldn’t even go into a church – thank god and my higher self and all the inner work I have done that I am very tuned in to my guidance and willing to follow. Stay open - miracles could be right around the corner.
I felt completely loved – so open, as if liquid love was flowing through all of me. For an instant I felt merged with her. Her message was one of reassurance and love. A reminder that I am more than the body – even more than the intuitive senses I use every day – and loved so thoroughly there was no need to hold on to the fear, sorrow and pain from this or any life time.
I had been working with my inner child. The one that never felt taken care of or safe, who could never relax as a kid and never let herself relax as an adult, and who never felt loved and wanted someone to save her. This part of me colored everything I feel and choose. So much so that even though money has begun flowing and support is showing up in all kinds of ways, I was becoming more and more agitated emotionally that things weren’t going my way and more and more tired at the amount and type of work I had to do to make things better for myself. As this part became more insistent on being healed, I became more depressed and angry, using my numbing agent of choice, food, more and more. However, I couldn’t find the inner peace I usually experience.
I did a lot of surrendering and healing for a few days (with myself and two wonderful healers) before I gained enough perspective to actually work with the emotional part of me that seemed to be the source of all of this. I told this little inner wounded child that I would always be here for her even when she didn’t believe it. I saw her huddled in the middle of my body. I saw when she stopped believing that things could be good, people could keep their word and that love didn’t have to hurt. There was some healing happening all around her but she was too mired in the fear. I did my best to love her up but it is hard to love unconditionally to any inner child when the adult trying to do the loving and reassuring is so influenced by that inner child.
So this wonderful spirit showed up to help her heal. After she faded I wondered who it was. The answer rang so true I could not doubt it. She was an aspect of my ‘higher’, true or inner self. I am that love and that compassion and that radiant.
* ok as an aside – why does this stuff always happen when I am in the bathtub?
But it reminded me how often people want to put those of us who have already opened to our higher selves on a pedestal or to tear us down from the pedestal on which they perceive us. Worse than that is how many lightworkers I see or hear claiming to be special because of their intuitive gifts while telling another lightworker how to act or what to write or say in order to be a true spiritual person. Come to think of it, I might have done some of that earlier in my growth (my apologies).
Here’s an interesting bit of information that many seem to deny or not know – we are ALL aspects of god. If we want to reconnect with our higher selves or inner beings WE CAN!!! All of us.
No one is prevented from doing it by anything other than his or her own choices and perceived limitations. I am not better than anyone because I chose long ago to commit to a lifetime of inner work to know my soul intimately while in a human body, and some enhanced intuitive skills developed as that work continued. Just as I am not less than anyone because that commitment takes me far away from what many consider success or appropriate living behavior in this physical world.
Please love yourself enough to believe (or pretend to believe until you really do) that you too can be as open to your inner being’s guidance as any lightworker you read about, talk to or communicate with. Your own intuitive skills and intimate knowledge of your higher self can develop in a way that is perfect for you, if you want and allow. If you put someone on a pedestal, have the grace to reassess when they fall off, because they will fall off. Find your own inner discernment about what is channeled, intuited, or asserted. And most of all, if someone is insisting you must do something a certain way, walk away. Only you can choose what is right for you and a light worker walking his or her own truth will know this and respect it and you.
And it is ok, and your right, to ignore all of this!!!
A few days ago I went to traffic school. The teacher was fun but we spent HOURS listening to everyone’s traffic horror stories. The energy was overwhelming in spite of the amount of time I spent reaffirming my safety and joyfulness. I found myself afraid to even drive home. After asking for AA Michael’s help to dissipate that energy before I started the car, I drove directly to my favorite place that overlooks the beach. I got out of the car and I walked to the edge of the overlook as if pulled. I couldn’t have turned away if I wanted to – and I did not want to. It was cold and breezy and the sun was beginning its descent for the day. I turned my face to the sun, closed my eyes and asked the ocean, the wind and the sun to cleanse me, to help me feel better and to help my heart energy expand again.
At first it was just cold and I could only feel the wind flow around me. As I stood there I felt the sun penetrate into my brain and the wind begin to clear my energy. Resistance to being open and expanded melted. I felt my heart open wide as if doors were being flung with exuberance and within an instant I became the ocean, flowing freely. I could intuitively feel my energy flow over the sea creatures and through the ocean plants. It was exhilarating. All of the worries, fears and judgments of the day dissolved. I felt like me again. Even when my conscious awareness came back to my physical surroundings the feeling of well-being persisted. What a delightful end to a not-as-delightful day.
But you know what?? That isn’t me. So for those of us who do appreciate, who are grateful and who do our best to be positive but crave or respond to more multi-dimensionally spiritual bent in our communications, shifts and growth, I am going to continue to be myself.
The good news is that there are many ways to get to where we are all going even when we are not aware of where we are going!!! The earth is evolving, so are we. It doesn’t mater if you do it through your religion, being positive, appreciating, working the land, giving to others, intense spiritual meditating and energy work, or raising and loving your kids the best way you know how – or all of these ways. It is perfect for you.
What a relief!!! Just be yourself in all areas, all ways, always.
Yesterday I wrote about learning to surrender while going through this phase of my life -earning income from work that is not deeply satisfying and that does not pay all the bills. I am willing to do this because I know from my soul this is the right thing for me right now.
The work I am doing now hurts my body a lot. It is very physical, and probably in the long run will be better for my health, but for now I am in pain and I certainly don’t have enough income to pay for the support I need to help my body get used to the physical work.
So I went on my local Craigs List (craigslist.org then pick your nearby city) and offered to barter for fitness training, massage, and acupuncture. I offered housecleaning, organizing and office work/business assisting – all things I have been doing for about a year to bring income to me. I received responses from some incredible people that I am not sure I would have met if I had not offered to barter.
Now I get a massage every two weeks and acupuncture every week. So far I have only done a little with the fitness trainer because I needed some healing before I could do much more. This is the wave of the future, trading or bartering for services and goods.
I am good at facilitating healing – off the charts good with fabulous results. I am also good at cleaning, organizing, office work, business assisting, computer work etc. I would not have thought to barter any of that if I had not been led to do it for money. These jobs that do not touch my heart have paved the way into the new energy of cooperative interdependence. They have also provided means for me to do a lot more internal growth through surrender and re-learning about energy boundaries.
I know from my soul this is the right thing for me right now and appreciate moving into the interdependence energies.
I have been committed to consciously knowing that I am an aspect of god in a human body for a very long time now, meeting my higher purpose of blending extreme spiritually with living in the every day world. It is my governing agreement and overshadows every other desire I can think of (and whatever I cannot think of).
That means even if I apply for any full time or part time jobs for which I qualify I don’t get them if they do not support me in that commitment. It also means that even though I want passionately with my whole being to earn money doing what is expansive and heart satisfying, right now I am not.
What I AM doing is absolutely right spiritually but I spend a lot of time surrendering in order to handle it - surrendering sadness, hopelessness, pain, despair, anger, other people’s energies, impatience, (whining – LOL!), etc. I go deep within a lot to remain expansive even as I am struggling with the energy boundaries necessary to do the physical work that pays me almost enough to live on (yes not only do I not get to do what makes my heart sing, I don’t make enough money with what I am doing to pay all the bills).
I know what I am doing right now is temporary and part of my spiritual growth. I know all the ways I cope with my resistance helps a lot too. I even know how some of what I am learning through all of this will help make me better at what I want to do. I am glad my deep, incredible spiritual growth continues and I wish that beautiful flow would show up in the ways I am supported financially. I am still choosing to be as positive and expanded as I can during this phase of my life.
Sometimes that is the way it is on the way to what you want. Certain things have to be learned or experienced before what you deeply desire manifests (or before your desires change).
I have spent so long financially destitute that even though I am consistently putting money in the bank this month my brain does not seem to be processing that I am making enough for this month and for next month too. I find I still sometimes wallow in the anxiety of not having enough money (or, really, not having enough period) even though the evidence suggests another scenario.
I began bridging the gap between the financial abundance in my energy fields and what I am allowing to show up in my every day physical life last November (2009). I saw evidence of change starting as early as April and now it is continuous and consistent. However, I still often hear myself say ‘I don’t have enough money’. I don’t really believe it is the exact words that create our reality but the energy/belief behind that is that I cannot pay my bills and that money isn’t going to continue flowing when my intuition (and current evidence) suggests that is not true any longer for me.
I am not rich or even well off, I don’t have extra to play with, I have needed new glasses for about a year now and being able to afford supplements is a big accomplishment, but generally my most urgent needs are being met. I was willing to walk through that door that God (and all my inner work) opened for me to new ways of earning money that also have encouraged further spiritual evolution. I have had several jobs this year that a few years ago I would never have said yes to.
My commitment is to live as the god I am in a human body at all times. I believe that includes trusting and allowing the universe to take care of my physical needs in a comfortable way. Sometimes that means I go through experiences just for the growth potential – including not making money through ways that make my heart sing. The learning experience is to follow my alignment with my higher self and let my heart sing no matter what I am doing. At this point everything I do is about helping others or spiritually evolving. When I surrendered to that knowledge, my financial situation began improving and continues to do so. Now my emotions, beliefs and inner thought patterns are catching up.
So are you seeing your other opportunities and accepting the wonderfulness already in your life, or do you still see your life through sight that is so tainted with old beliefs and memories that you are blind to what is really happening right now?
This week I am reacting to all of that and integrating deeper.
When I make big changes, and I am sure this is true for some of you, I do a lot of healing and releasing then shift, then react, then release and heal more. The reaction stage included me falling back on some old behaviors, such as reconnecting with certain addictions (to sugar, complaining, self-sabotage). As I integrate further into the stage of living that I have yearned for my whole life (and in many other lives, if my intuitive memory serves me well) I realize even my reacting with addictions is part of me being god because it is ALL god. It helps me to remember that so I can relax and allow even the old negativity to work its way through. Choosing to be positive sometimes means the addiction to negativity has to heal and sometimes healing means it needs to express itself. I just choose not to let it rule me anymore.
I also realize I am reacting to so much unfamiliarity. This is what everything in my life has been leading up to. Every thing I chose had the goal of getting here in mind. As I am transitioning to being comfortable with this full integration I am discombobulated about it all. On a psychic level I feel as if I am floating in the cosmic void as all kinds of expansion takes place inside. I don’t know that I have any idea what the heck I am going to do now. I am not sure I know how to just be without striving towards something, with accepting it is all god and nothing is bad or wrong with anything I choose or do.
It is very freeing and in that freedom I am. I just am. No direction needed, no obligation, no shoulds, no striving, nothing wrong, don’t have to MAKE anything happen; just being which is EXACTLY what I wanted. Now What?
My inner wise voice says, "Now I let the integration continue. Now I appreciate the contrast of how things are compared to my past. Now I accept everything in my life with the knowing that all that matches this vibration of me, this wonderfully integrated being-ness, will be created for my life in an easy joyful way. Now I relax and receive, even as I continue to give and share. Now I appreciate all that shows up in my life as it will match this new me or match what I am expanding beyond. Now I live my life."