I have been doing some interesting healing this week.

1.              The use of pain to feel alive – I came into this world with the underlying belief that my needs will not be met and I chose parents who fulfilled that belief.  I handled it by withdrawing.  Sometimes the withdrawal was so intense that I was barely aware of myself.  I felt numb.  I learned that to feel alive I needed to feel pain.  Because of so much healing work I have accomplished and allowed I was able to let that belief go this past weekend.  I was able to allow the inner emotional sorrow of how that has negatively affected my life go too.  Now I have addressed the hopelessness and victim energy many times before and using pain to let myself rest or get attention.  But this is the first time I realized that one of the ways I felt alive – even as a baby – was through pain.  Letting that go and accepting that I no longer need to withdraw has changed a lot in my life.  I am not eating out of insecurity or because it is the only thing allowed to me for comfort.  And that is SOOO weird.  I went to a buffet and didn’t even need to control myself or deal with any anger because of what I shouldn’t or couldn’t eat.  I am calm even though my spiritual business is in a lull right now.  I have no need to strive for more right now.  I trust.  SHEW!!  I have worked hard to get here.

2.  Quick on the heels of that healing I had a beautiful vision of my future that was so strong I cried when it faded.  THEN the knowing that things are falling into place became very strong.  I actually felt tumblers fall into place.

I had a panic attack.  I have spent my whole life – many lives actually – fighting for what I want, withdrawing when I realized I wasn’t going to get it, going into hopelessness, getting angry and starting the process all over again.  I have done variations of this in this life.  So now that process is done I can feel how much I have changed, how effortless my life can be, and the inner peace/calm/contentment I have allowed myself to remember.  Funny how difficult it is to accept that my life has truly become drama free and that I am allowing wonderful events, people and circumstances.  I had to go through years of stripping away the ego wants/desires and embracing my true self to get here.  But I am here. The panic is because I am letting myself believe it , not denying it, and I had some fear about believing it since it has seemed so far away and impossible to me.

When I envisioned life in the higher dimensions I thought it would still be quite dramatic, full of big miracles.  What I am finding is that all of life at this level is a miracle.  Everything I do feels sacred now. I have no need to make any points, prove myself in anyway, work hard at anything, cover up any insecurities, reach out to people to make myself feel better, buy stuff to make me feel better, or anything at all like that.  I am noticing it hard to enjoy fiction books like I used to but that is a small price to pay for this.  My relationship with god is more personal and constant because I do not feel separate.  I have known I wasn’t separate and I believe I have written about this before – feeling myself as an aspect of god.  But now it is an underlying sensation that is with me always.  I don’t have to open to it or ask about it or wait for it to come.  It is always there.

It is beautiful and calm.  It is.

Due to lack of interest – the sunday free chats have been cancelled.

It is not always comfortable or pleasing where my intuition guides me.  Sometimes I ignore it for years because I just don’t want to do what my higher self tells me.  However, as we all know, if you ignore it too long things get worse and worse until you have to pay attention.

I spent last year looking for a job.  I knew I needed more income but I didn’t want to start another business that I was going to have to work my butt off with and have it go nowhere.  See the inherent assumptions there? I finally got a job and within a week my intuition tried to push me out because it was not the right thing for me – it wasn’t a good match for me energetically or with my purpose here on earth.

God spoke to me through a few other people with a suggestion for a second business for me, over the past year and a half.  As I wrote earlier, I didn’t want to do it.  Then a few weeks ago it came to me AGAIN through someone who barely knew me.  This time I finally listened.  I woke up two mornings later with the business name and put an ad on Craigs list.  I got clients right away – before I even had time to think of what I would charge or what my time or physical boundaries would be.   Now I am swamped and struggling with balancing my schedule.  It happened easily and I have been blessed with some clients who are enthusiastic about my skills, and who pay promptly and with integrity.  It was the right thing at the right time, manifested without any resistance.

It fits with something I recently read by Celia Fenn – that it is time to address the physical stuff.  After all we live in a physical world and our bodies and physical comfort are an intrinsic part of who we are. We still are evolving into more global creatures and I am still committed to full integration of my higher self  (at least as much as is possible) while in this human body but part of that integration involves embracing ascension in the physical form too.  So I am learning how to balance assisting others spiritually while engaging in some very grounded work (very physical and requiring a lot of coordination/organizational skills) to augment my income.  It is not the kind of work I would have chosen on my own as it is not the work that makes my heart sing, which is also why I resisted.

However, it is exactly what I have been guided to do and I am being fully supported spiritually while doing it.  I appreciate that tremendously.  I am also being shown so many reasons why it is perfect for me right now.  I am finding that all the physical hard work calms my mind down and I am plenty of opportunity to see how much I have changed as I interact with new people without judgment or impatience. It has actually been a lovely surprise to me to notice that.  Additionally, the work earns steady money and I am learning some new things with one of my clients – always a good thing for me.  It is the kind of work where I am tired when I am done and I can see results immediately, which is satisfying.  It is also another service business and the people I work with really need the help.   I like that.  I like being my own boss and treasure the freedom I have with my schedule.

I appreciate the universe’s answer to a lot of the energy I was putting out.  I am aware this new business does not  make my heart sing but it does address a lot of factors that work for me. I am also finding now that I have listened to my higher self in this one area, all sorts of other things are falling into place with my spiritual business and growth.

I am still dealing with some emotional response that feels quite similar to shock, at least that is the best way I can describe it.   It could be the speed at which this occurred, or the fact that I did not really work hard to get it going, or that it is not what I truly want but I know it is exactly right.  I am not sure why yet.  I haven’t dissected it.  I am just living with it day by day and being very clear and deliberate about handing it all over to God each moment of the day.   Staying present, trusting that I will be guided in a direction that is for my highest and best good each and every day.  A new way to live but it is calmer and more serene than it used to be.  I needed it and I appreciate and embrace it.

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We have an interesting image of lightworkers and healers in that we expect their lives to be wonderful or, at the very least, that they handle all adversity with grace, serenity and acceptance.  There are now some law of attraction advocates out there saying or writing that they are positive all the time (or are trying to indicate that with their words).

God bless them all.

I am not like that – in case you hadn’t noticed from reading any thing I write.  I am an effective healing facilitator and teacher and I have my ups and downs like every one else.   I share all my emotions although in my every day life they are not at all that dramatic anymore, mostly.  I do my best to approach each and every circumstance from an open, sacred place of being but sometimes when the fear is so great I slip.  Since I am committed to the deepest, most thorough integration of my light body/soul/higher self as is possible, fear comes up for healing a lot.  I let myself dwell in it to the point of forgetting (even momentarily) that all is well and whatever is being created by the fear, or by the fear coming to the surface for healing, will be all right too.

The trouble is that I have a very clear understanding that what my brain and emotions describe as all right isn’t what my higher self thinks is all right- or that is my experience and my fear. So I don’t trust.  I am trying to appreciate it all and want nothing but I am still in transition. Additionally, I have been ‘blessed’ with a very deep, systemic, core fear of not being able to survive in this physical world doing anything I enjoy or want to do, at least that is the way it manifests.  I am in it right now, doing my best to be calm and trusting, loving and accepting, distanced and allowing. I am focusing on the positive, on my higher self, on helping others and it is still strongly there.  I really want to heal this and right now I am so uncomfortable some of my old coping mechanisms are cropping up – eating unhealthily, indulging in some complaining and old victim energy, spending what tiny bit of money I do have inappropriately, and withdrawing into books.  So I am writing about it in the hopes that as I write I will come to a better acceptance.

When I am alone I spend a great deal of time praying and expanding my heart while sitting with and in my fears.  There are times when I walk through them, watching them dissolve and disperse.  I can feel really good and calm for a few hours until I need to do it again.  But I noticed this morning in a meeting that the first thing that blurted out of my mouth was all about my fears.  I am consumed with them yet very aware it is slowly dissipating – an odd by product of not pushing, of just allowing.

I too thought after years of spiritual awakening that I would come to a point where there is no fear within me.  Maybe it can happen.  Who knows?  It is more likely that I will notice there is fear and not be controlled or consumed by it at some point. I am closer to that than I have ever been, just not there yet.  I am at peace with that – for now.

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Sometimes the bigger shifts are so fast and so deep you can’t describe them to anyone else – much less write a blog about them.  I have had a week like that.  When that happens the day-to-day practical spirituality is the answer for me.

If I am feeling overwhelmed I just ask God for help.  If I am feeling anxious I imagine giving it all to God.  I pray in the mornings for spiritual help in staying aligned with my higher self and open to the guidance that comes for me that day.  I usually also ask for help with whatever problem my mind has conjured up for me –real or not (could be for direction in my business, could be what to do about increasing my income, could be anything).  Throughout the day as the worries crop up again, I pray again.  I release the worries over and over and I re-focus on conscious connection with God and what is expansive in my life. If I get angry at or hurt by someone else, I pray for him or her, then I pray for help in changing my energy so I don’t have to be triggered by that person or anything he/she says again (sometimes I pray for the courage to walk away from that person if that is what my intuitive guidance suggests).

Recently I had an unexpected opportunity to re-live some old sadness, shame and fear around the way I interacted with men in my early years, and all the pain and hurt that has led to in my life.  In the middle of feeling all the old sadness and fear, I focused on what works in my life today, what I am grateful for and appreciative of, and on loving myself. It didn’t make the sadness and fear process through faster (that I know of) but it reminded me these are just emotions not all of who I am and I tolerated it all better.  I also prayed for help in reducing or releasing addictive behaviors that I usually use to handle life during the processing of fear, sadness, anxiety and anger.  I imagined giving the need to indulge in those behaviors to God and filling back up with God’s energy (or the energy from my higher self, depending on what words work for me in the moment).  It helped a lot.

That is what I mean by practical spirituality: using the tools and trust to handle the every day, moment-by-moment things that show up in my life.  I make step by step conscious choices that lead to a more trusting, joyful, expansive and authentic life.  It just so happens these kinds of choices also support moving into higher dimensional living. I bring God into every detail, because I know I am an aspect of God.  God is always there anyway but I am just more into acknowledging it these days.  It reminds me to identify with my ‘true’ self rather than the ego or the inner suppressed emotions or old patterns of thought, emotion and behavior.

Slowly but surely I am being transformed.  I can see and feel the results in a way I didn’t throughout years of intense spiritual evolving where I spent a lot of time releasing traumas and blocks, helping the earth on a higher level, and opening to an incredible depth of intuitive knowing.  Now I am sure I would not be ready to live in the moment with God so thoroughly if I hadn’t done all the prep work to get here.  I also know some people start from here and then allow transformation at other levels of their being.  I tend to go from the big picture to the details in everything I do, this was no different.  There are not a lot of huge swooping dramatic changes this way, but the steady and sure growth and improvement in my daily life are a blessed relief.  This is how I am learning to be human AND a conscious aspect of god at the same time – always my goal in my spiritual evolution.

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I am so grateful for the part time job I just quit.  It was a struggle for me to be there from the very beginning.  I thought I chose not to heed my highest and best good and took the job for practical reasons: I needed to ease my financial distress in both my emotional state and with my actual income.    Really, I kept getting intuitively that it wasn’t in my highest and best good to take it (over and over, ad nauseum).

Yet, I applied one day, interviewed the next, and within 2 hours was offered the position.  Every aspect of it met my requirements but one –work that meant something to me. It turns out that is the only requirement that really matters, but the job fulfilled other needs.  It kept me busy during a time of deep internal transition and I got to see how much I have changed in the way I reacted to other people’s stuff (both the people I work with and those I was trying to sell to).  I like who I am right now and I enjoyed the people I worked with. Obviously this job was divinely created and was perfect to meet my temporary needs.

Why the apology?  Well, I once promised myself that I would not lie on my deathbed and look back on my life with regret for what I didn’t do and what I wouldn’t change from fear.   After I recovered from cancer I added the promise to live life fully and not get caught up in the pettiness of everyday stuff (i.e. reacting to others’ emotions, getting worked up over small disappointments or obstacles, etc).  I have not been living up to those promises.  I cannot even tell you what last year was about since all I can remember from February to December is all the worry, angst and fear!!!

I have been reminded of my promises to myself through a series of interesting connections on Facebook, an ongoing exchange with a master healer (www.lindawhitedove.com) and through newsletters from uplifting websites (for instance, see www.crazysexylife.com)  and I woke up Friday very clear it was time to quit. I did. Oh sure I had a moment of “OH MY GOD!!”, especially after seeing the front cover of a weekly local newspaper that talked about how trying to find a job is the new job for most people.  Isn’t it fun how when you get to a certain level of spiritual vibration your fears are mirrored immediately in front of you?  (NOT!!)  After a very quick thought of how long it took me to find this job I refocused on my choices in this life and released the fear thoughts.

I am apologizing to myself out loud (like I do everything).  I am choosing full acceptance of what is and what has been, knowing I am so deeply and thoroughly changed I do not have to repeat my past or my old stories.  I am also recommitting to my purpose of experiencing and sharing spiritual mastery from an uplifting, joyful and loving place (is there any other way?) and full integration of that mastery into human ‘everyday’ life.   Today, I stand in total gratitude for me and for god, in all its many aspects.

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Tonight I sit here in total awe and gratitude for god and me. I am in touch with satisfaction, calmness, inner peace and joy.  At this moment I accept myself EXACTLY as I am.  I think it is a miracle because:

I am still bigger than most say I should be (in spite of releasing 60 lbs over the years).

I am older than most think is attractive.

My body doesn’t conform to what is considered attractive either.

I dress for comfort, not for fitting in.

I am poorer than most say is comfortable.

I am more unconventional in my spiritual beliefs than most say is appropriate.

I choose to continue pursuing a dream that many have said I should give up.

I also indulge in a passion for making art that doesn’t sell, just because I love it.

Even though I have an MBA I work part time in a call center, and it fits me for now.

I am more apt to speak my mind truthfully than walk away and say nothing.

I never had kids or got married.

I have let myself love men deeply that I knew would not be in my life very long.

I survived two cancers without chemo.

I never wrote the book I thought I would.

I have moved a lot and, with one exception, my closest friends live elsewhere.

I still follow my intuition rather than accepted ‘successful’ marketing practices to build my business.

Sometimes I have no reason for my choices other than my intuitive guidance, and I trust that.

I am well aware of my weaknesses and apologize as fast as I can when those weaknesses hurt others, while I continue to love myself enough to change them.

I am alone a lot for one reason or another.

And yet, at this moment, I am so in love with myself I might burst from happiness.  I am grateful for this moment and all that I have gone through to continue my spiritual evolution and awakening in this human body.  YES, I can definitely say unequivocally and unconditionally, it is worth it.

In order to counteract the effects a job is having on my energy, and to heal some issues around scarcity that are up, I go to the beach every day and pray with the ocean energy.  I live about 4 blocks as the crow flies from the beach anyway but somehow actually being at the beach and seeing the ocean makes a difference.

First I sit quietly as my body relaxes and my psyche begins to respond, then I expand my awareness to interact with the consciousness of the ocean herself.  My vibration raises and it becomes much easier to commune with my higher self/soul.  The combination of feeling my higher self easier with the ocean energy is fabulous.  This energy soothes me everywhere I am jagged, fills in all the holes, and reassures the worries/anxieties/fears. I am fully present.  It is amazing how calming and relaxing that is.

I am grateful for this support.  I am finding the constant nearness of such lower vibration energies kind of grates on me.  It is, however, doing a beautiful job of triggering every single emotion/energy within me that has not completely moved into the higher frequencies.

Last week there was a small incentive program that would net us each $100 in cash if we brought in 10 orders each by Friday.  Now the main reason I stayed with this job is for money as it is not in my highest and best spiritual good to be there.  However, I decided not having enough money to live on was more stressful to me than spending so much time in the lower vibration energies in this job.  That may change at any time.

So as the days went on and people were all excited about the extra $100 I found myself getting more and more stressed.  I wanted the money too but I couldn’t make it happen the way others were.  One person turned out to be a great salesperson because he could turn around everyone’s objections and talk them into buying.  That sounds great but it was done with such lack of compassion and integrity that I actually hurt listening to him (think sleazy car salesperson – type selling cigars to people who are trying to quit or who are ill or don’t have enough money etc). He is the only one who got the $100.

By Thursday I realized I couldn’t handle the energy any more and I made myself detach from the idea of the extra money and turn it all over to god.  I opened to the faith and trust that I was creating the money I needed perfectly, whether it was this $100 or it came some other way.  I relaxed and went back to having fun talking to people on the phone.  I then proceeded to get 5 more orders in quick succession in a way that was fun and lighthearted.  People who wanted the product ordered, I got back to my own energy.

That night I had an unexpected client and another one over the weekend, which brought me more than $100.  I felt supported by the universe.  It is more difficult to maintain my own authenticity, integrity and vibration now that I am working in a part time job that means nothing to me.  I am hoping that this opportunity will teach me how to be who I truly am in any situation, not just the ones where I am alone or teaching others.   I am also looking for a different job and maintaining some intense gratitude for the spiritual support that continues to sustain and amaze me.

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I use all sorts of patterns to distract me from what is really going in inside of me.  If fear is coming up I might pretend to get out of control with my eating habits, or obsess about money or what my business is (or may not be) doing.  Lately I have been distracting myself by focusing on the lower vibration energy of the job I took to ease my money worries. Yes, it would be in my highest and best interest to not be in such a place each day yet my highest and best interest was clashing with the very practical need to attract enough money to live in this physical world comfortably RIGHT NOW.  The truth is it was a simple decision to stick with the job or leave it but I was blowing it out of proportion because of some intense fear that I thought was about the job interfering with my passion – assisting people in their spiritual awakening and being able to continue my own intense spiritual evolution.

I had a big breakthrough on Saturday that once again made me realize that much of the ‘stuff’ I was going through over the past month or so was in reaction to some pretty intense fear of what my next level of spiritual awakening might bring and had nothing to do with the job at all.  I was reminded of a particular process to address whatever fear is coming up without needing to know the details while working with two clients.  It makes it easier to process through the fears.  Isn’t it wonderful how my clients can teach me and remind me of who I am and what I already know while I am assisting them?

While using that process I was able to embrace and address the fears that have been so strong within me and move through them.  I then moved into a deeper awareness of my true self and integrated more of my true or higher self into my consciousness and body.  It was only then that I came to know that the struggles over the past month have been in reaction to this fear that wanted to heal.

I woke up in peace today.  Yesterday I woke up still processing, but today I am calmer and more peaceful.  I have chosen to stay with the part time job for now and I am moving forward with offering classes locally while researching how to do it online.  Everything seems effortless after I am able to stop resisting the natural flow of my spiritual evolution.

Want to know the process to embrace fears easily?  Then come to my Quick and Easy Spiritual Tools class in Encinitas, CA on June 9, at 7 pm.  $50.  Contact me for more information 760-634-2794.

So for as long as I can remember I have been whining that I want the transitions due to my spiritual evolution to be easier.  I have prayed, asked and demanded.  I chose over and over to release all the drama.  Now that I have a very obvious example, I am resisting!!!

As I have written before I have a part time job now and much about the job is perfect. It sure fits the list of what I wanted in a part time job, especially the amount of income I earn from it.   However, it puts me right smack in the middle of lower vibrational energy for 5 hours a day (it was 6 hours but I reduced it), 5 days a week. I have been receiving messages clearly and distinctly for over a week to give notice but I haven’t been able to do it because I am afraid that I cannot create the necessary additional income (or more) with my own business or that I can find another part time job that will be at a vibration high enough for me to be comfortable.

I have been struggling with following these intuitive messages because they are just declarative sentences (and because I don’t trust my manifesting skills).  I haven’t felt the rush of the need to change nor do I hate the job.  I get along with everyone there and the job keeps me busy, some parts of it are actually fun.  In short, there is no drama about it.  When there has been drama I respond fast but I have been sitting with this even though the messages are strong.

On Thursday the pressure to quit was turned up.  A new person was hired who is very loud.  Then another one was interviewed who may be hired who wears very strong perfume which I am allergic to.  Both things can be remedied with loving conversation but it is obvious the circumstances are becoming less and less comfortable, not to mention that I am finding myself a bit more irritated each day at being there.   So I guess this is where my resistance is creating an increase in the drama that I have been familiar with.

I have also been exploring my inner self to be sure that the messages to quit were not coming from my ego not wanting to work this kind of job but all I can find is that the lower vibration energy is harsh on me. This is a clear example where the practical, every-day choice is conflicting with higher dimensional living.

So here I have been asking for it to be easy and now that it is, I am resisting.  There has not been any drama around the need to quit; it simply isn’t the right energy for me.  What a lovely example of how things can be and a beautiful lesson for me.  And I am quitting on Monday.

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My choice and my commitment have been to live for my highest and best good.  I have tried to make each choice from that perspective, until recently.  I chose to take a part time job that I knew was not in my highest and best good because I could not heal the inner stress caused by scarcity issues that were showing up as very low income.

And the job looks perfect – hours are good, people are supportive and funny, I laugh a lot, the boss is very laid back, dress is casual, the supervision is hands off enough to be comfortable, I get to talk to people all day, it is close to home, I have no real responsibility and it doesn’t require a lot of effort or intelligence.  It seems like the perfect part time job to augment my income while I continue to focus on my true passion – my business and my art.

However, it is not in my highest and best interest.  It could be because I attracted this job from the energy of desperation so the vibration has been too low since then (and nothing works when attracted from desperation) It could be because I need to learn to trust without getting a job.  It could be I am not ready to be around that many people (in person or on the phone) and I cannot keep my energy vibrations high or clean.  It doesn’t matter why, it just is not in my highest and best interest to be there and that is enough.

The shock of doing something day after day that is not in my highest and best interest after years of choosing to do just that is taking its toll.  I am tired all the time.  It takes effort to raise my vibration at the end of each day. I found myself slipping back into some hopelessness energy.  I can’t muster up any passion for what makes my heart sing.

I know I need to leave this job and now I am allowing healing for the scarcity issues that demanded I obtain it in the first place.  Although I definitely trust more than I did a few weeks ago, it is still a hard call to decide to follow the highest good rather than the more practical path of supplementing my burgeoning business with a part time job (which MANY people do).   I also want to make sure it is not my disappointment that is driving me to this decision – disappointment that my business is taking so long to take off (as I know it is going to) or that I had to get a job for which I have no passion, something I swore I would never do again but DID!!

The truth, as I know it, is once we get to a certain vibrational level of living we cannot stand to be around lower vibrations for too long and the vibration of this job is lower than I am comfortable with. So I am handling this with a lot of prayer and sitting with my intuition until the timing becomes clear.  I am also embracing and loving all my scarcity issues in all their forms. I am also appreciating the contrast in vibration as I know that will spur me to choose activities and relationships with matching vibrations to mine.

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