So as you all know I have been sick off and on since the second week in February. Things were opening up for me, moving along beautifully, then dramatically stopped at the end of January. I went into a hopeless state and actually said out loud that I didn’t need to have a big life. That I would be happy to have a relationship and a few part time jobs, maybe make a little bit of art. However, some part of me obviously wasn’t happy with that as I immediately got sick and stayed that way in one form or another for 2 months.

Luckily a friend helped me out of it and today we did some incredible spiritual visioning and work that helped me explain it even more. Turns out we both were sensing some deep anger in the mass human consciousness that resonated within us – a place where some energy was all tied up, where the flow was constricted. I had been feeling it since the end of January, along with the intuitive guidance to help it heal, and went into tremendous resistance to doing any more work ‘for humanity.’ I had a lot of fear that if I kept doing this kind of spiritual energy work my every day physical life would get worse and worse. I am already struggling with how to balance my spiritual purposes/healing with creating a joyful every day life in the physical world.

So although we each were feeling the strangled emotions contained in this energy (particularly hopelessness and rage), when we allowed ourselves to focus on what was going on, we were guided to work on a MUCH bigger scale. Our intentions helped various manifestations of god (in the form of different spirits/deities/archangels etc) to flood the constricted energy with lots of love. Because it was created with free will, humans had to intend that it be healed. The constriction soon began to loosen. This constriction was created to stop or severely limit the flow of feminine creativity no matter what body someone adopted on the earth plane.

Once the constriction was gone a lot of healing occurred in the energies that held it. Within me it looked as if barren fields and mountains began sprouting grass and flowers, and birds came back. I felt more compassion in the human mass consciousness. There is a new level of peace that was not there before.

This constriction was part of the ways that we humans have limited ourselves. It was part of the ways the feminine energy was damaged and degraded. All the earth shifts (and inner shifts within me) allowed us to finally support the healing of this particular constriction. It has opened a path for others to allow their own healing who also resonated with this particular constriction.

One again I am reminded that I cannot live a ’small’ life where I only focus on every day physical activities and relationships. At the moment that is ok. But sometimes it hurts. I lost a potential friend because of the hopeless energy I was mirroring and my insistence on digging deeper and deeper to find out what was going on. She couldn’t handle it or how it affected her. The deeper or more expanded I go, the more others are triggered by the intense vibration of the energy. As much as I love people, I also love reconnecting with more and more of me. I have committed myself to it this life.

Now I am embracing my own creativity and trust in creating a wonderful life for myself while continuing my spiritual evolution.

I notice I am having a hard time catching up to some of the changes that have already happened to me.

I have used all sorts of behaviors to make me feel better – eating, shopping, raging, trying to merge with a man,  complaining to friends  etc.  I would get an energy/emotional rush from it and at least suppress whatever emotion I didn’t want to feel anymore.

These addictions are gone.  Now food is just food.  And you know, it isn’t as interesting when it is just fuel for the body.  LOL!!  Shopping has become hard because of the energy in the stores and with the people there.  Plus, again, it is just a means to acquire something I need.  Oh, and it is only what I need because there is no rush or joy in just spending money anymore. Gossiping about others is not interesting because gossip often involves judgment and I am not judging as much – either myself or others.

I have moved into the fifth dimensional energies and my mind and behavior patterns are now catching up.  But sometimes my inner emotions don’t realize it before I try to make the old behavior patterns work.

Yesterday I tried to go to a mall and enjoy shopping.  What I found was that I didn’t care about all the merchandise and I really only needed new tennis shoes.  So I left.  I went to a bookstore, thinking I always find books and that would make me feel better.  Nothing.  At both places I bought something to eat and left half or more of the food.  The merchandise was still there, all the advertising and lack/need energy was still there.  I just am not part of that anymore.  I am more balanced and grounded but to me and who I am rather than to expectations and beliefs/values of the society around me.

FINALLY I came home and began meditating and loving my inner turmoil.  It took a a few different attempts, but it began to help.  I even dreamed about a darker part of me trying to clumsily seduce me back into some old patterns. Talk about getting the message.  In the dream I laughed at it, knowing what it was doing.  But it caused turmoil in the situation I was in, even though I wasn’t seduced.

I am pleased to notice progresshas been made.  Some times I wonder what I did all that inner work and work with the earth/humanity for.  I know many other lightworkers wondering the same.  Perhaps this is a time for noticing and appreciating what has changed and allowing all of me to catch up with it?

I was led to a job at a bead store last September. It was so synchronistic there was no mistaking it. And, at first, I loved it. It was perfect for me. I talked to people all day, I dressed casually, I learned a lot more about a craft I love, I taught it to others, and it got me out of the house while I was waiting for all the shifting to settle down until I knew what was next for me. I also came to know that I was and still am helping a lot of people evolve spiritually – both directly with words and more diffusely with energy.

But things began to change and by December it was not as pleasant as it was at first. Partially because I am so impatient and partially because a new assistant manager was appointed who was not as easy to work with as the manager. By the time the manager went out on pregnancy leave, I was really not liking it. However, no matter how often I looked for another job I could not find one. Even when I was having a little inner temper tantrum about it, I still knew I needed to stay there (well maybe for a day or two I thought I could leave).

So here is what I know today. I have been asking, intending, begging, screaming, etc to stop feeling everything that goes on in the earth. For years I helped and helped with the transition to a higher dimension, as did many lightworkers (and many still do). If something was chaotic, I helped calm it. When the time lines needed repairing, I was there. As new grid lines were snapped into place and crystals were activated, my energy helped. Every time huge emotion was triggered through an emergency or public death of a beloved individual, I was affected. Unfortunately, all of this going through my body negatively affected my ability to enjoy life and function. However, no matter how much clearing I did, how much grounding, how much shifting of my karmic agreements or inner beliefs, how much help I asked for and received, I still could not stop helping the planet and the human mass conciousness heal in a way that negatively affected my emotions or body (or both). I have been asking/intending for at least 5 or 6 years.

This store I work at sits on land that has a large angry presence attached to it. The presence is angry at what has been done to the land in the name of human ‘progress’. I discovered this soon after I began working there and tried to help clear it. But apparently neither I nor it was ready. Today I was ready. Not only was I able to approach the spirit with a lot more compassion and dispassionate help, I discovered that I am also ready to let go (at least at this level) of responsibility to the land and to humanity’s lower level vibrations/energy and emotion. My energy has shifted so much that now when the lower vibratory energies/emotions come to me for help/healing (because that is the pattern I have been involved in), it actually isn’t helping the way it used to.

The earth and I had to shift far enough into the higher dimensions in order for me to let this go. Karen Bishop in her What’s Up On Planet Earth has referred to this aspect of certain lightworkers’ paths. But I didn’t really truly understand it until I personally experienced it. This is part of my being in a higher dimension but still holding on to some things from a lower dimension. Only I had to get open enough, expanded enough, or light enough to be able to let it go. The only reason I am explaining all of this is because you never know why you are still in a place or a relationship. It may be the very answer you needed to something you have prayed for and you don’t know it. If you have tried and tried to make a change, start loving where you are and asking for the deeper meaning of it. Everything that happens to us is in response to our own desires. Trust me when I write that I am not always happy with how it all plays out but I AM grateful my higher self is more in control than my brain or ego. I truly am awed by how complicated and miraculous our lives are.