During a visit with a friend in Sedona last week I found myself confronted with a mirror of my past.  This woman gets her energy from men.  She thinks it has to do with tantra energy (or sexual energy); that when she has sex her energy is stronger etc.  On an energetic level she send a cord to them and sucks their energy from them.  The connection is stronger when she does have sex. She feels much better and craves it when she doesn’t see her man for a few days.  On a more mundane level she spends a lot of time mothering them or playing up to their ego.  She only attracts those who crave this from her and will let her suck their energy in order to get it.  It is kind of an exchange of sorts.  On some level she knows when this will work because someone she recently met needed a place to stay and he isn’t the type to participate in this so she won’t let him stay in her house (even though she has the room).

I used to do this with men.  Little by little I healed this part of me where I don’t do it any more and I don’t attract men who would allow it.  BUT I found myself very judgmental about her and experienced other negative emotions as well.

It wasn’t until I left to visit other people that I realized I was not done forgiving myself for my actions around men.  That is why I reacted so strongly to my friend’s energy behavior. I still felt shame that I energetically took energy from men instead of believing in myself.  There was a way I co-created some kind of special energetic tie that allowed it.  Then I too, on a mundane level, spent a lot of time entertaining them and building up their egos.  Sometimes sex was involved, sometimes not (as in the cases with bosses).

I know it takes two – that if they had not participated it would not have happened.  But right now I am focusing on MY reactions and growth.

So I have been forgiving myself a lot here.  I also realize that I have had resentment towards my friend in Sedona because when I talk to her or visit I want all of her attention and never get it.  On some level I was also participating in this energy pattern with her.  I would get tired after talking to her for only an hour.  When I stayed in her house I actually got a lot of headaches.  This is from where she connected to me to get energy (where I allowed it).  I presume it is also the way I tried to connect inappropriately with her also.  She could not give me the attention I desired because she gets a LOT more energy from the men around her than I allowed her to have.

Changing patterns takes a while; then healing from them emotionally takes even longer.  I hope I am finding my source of self-love within and not needing it so much from others.  On an intellectual level I also no longer believe I have to give 110% to get back 10% from others but sometimes on an emotional level I forget.  Then I fall back into old patterns such as giving some of my energy away to make others feel better so I can have some attention and some simulation of love/friendship.  Although it sounds manipulative as I write it, it was all I knew.

As I forgive myself and love myself through this, I also let go of anywhere I am still holding onto cords of energy from others (to continue taking energy or in case I want to in the future) and any where I allow others to cord into me to have my energy.  It is a bit scary because it is a deeply held pattern.  I don’t quite have the confidence yet that I can have relationships with others without some of this old give/take energy exchange agreement continuing. I am extremely grateful for being able to see it so clearly in my friend and for allowing myself to be triggered so strongly. I can consciously allow healing and shifting now.

Spiritually evolving is sure interesting, isn’t it?

What does this mean for me in the physical every day world?  I got more and more irritated the longer I stayed with my friend.  After 2.5 days I felt compelled to leave.  I left about 2 hours earlier than I would have and I felt like I was being pushed out the door.  Some of it was my need to get away, some of it was her need for me to leave because all my inner realizations and energy reactions were shining light on behavior/energy patterns she has no intention of changing. In spite of that, it was an easy revelation compared to shifting in the past and other fun miracles happened while I visited.  Only time will tell how it helps me in my every day physical life.

One of the things we are all learning in our ascension process is how to use and trust our own discernment. With it we can determine what is right and true for us and in our highest good.

I often have trouble separating what comes out of people’s mouths when they tune into me from their energy vibration,  especially when I like the information that they impart.

One friend tells me I should come study/meditate at an ashram where she is the spiritual guru. She is incredibly intuitive and knowing, and an amazingly compassionate person. But she has also been rather pushy with her energy (more in the past than now) for me learn and believe as she does; that her ‘knowledge’ is the way to go. So is she passing on her intuitive sense or does she just want me to follow her path?

This past week another friend gave me all sorts of wonderful info from a past life part of me that began integrating. It was an amazing hour of reassurance and info that I badly wanted. This friend is full of alien energy, is protected by reptilians and sucks the life out of men in order to feel good. She also has a great heart and powerful energy and is on her own ascension path. But now I am doubting the information since I am overwhelmed with intuitive knowledge of her energy.

The thing is I have been searching for some help since I have felt a bit cut off from my own intuitive senses lately. I am still very clear with others. However, my own resistance has clouded my own knowing for a little while. I received a lot of help during my recent visit to Sedona, AZ (from a great reader and my intuitive friends). Now, I am sorting out within me what feels right for me.

The good thing is that the acupuncturist/sound healer, a very powerful energy healer, a few intense energy healing processes done on my own and with friends, the integration of at least one past life, some downloading that happened in Sedona, the reading, and the help of a few friends have all contributed to me feeling more myself and clearer than I have in months. I have no problem meditating and talking to my guides/higher self. I am also more adept at surrendering than I could have ever imagined.

Funny, I began seeking all this help when I felt ‘clogged up’ spiritually and because I couldn’t shake some physical illnesses that were getting worse. BUT also because I wanted some direction in my life. I got information about direction in taking care of my physical energy and how to emotionally take care of my body. I also was reminded of some spiritual practices to help me align with and surrender to my higher self.

So even though no precise or concise or direct info came about direction in life for me, I feel fulfilled with all the help and shifts within. Now I am not craving the ‘what’s next’ type of info at all.

Just sorting through all the info to see what actually fits for me.

Boy watch what you ask for as you expand you consciousness. It comes in various and unusual ways but it DOES come and FAST!!!!

In the past few weeks I have been totally focused on my internal growth because for months I have been sick and just conflicted internally. My body, my emotions and psyche couldn’t take anymore and I absolutely needed change.

Well in one of the many internal processes I walked deeper into my power/my expanded awareness/my higher self and surrendered all I was holding onto (in a vision I had).

I ’saw’ all sorts of cords fall away. I felt cleaner. I was crying from fear of how this was going to affect my every day physical life and from the beauty of feeling so free.

The biggest change so far in my every day physical life is that an email buddy shifting to  a close friendship just went away. So far away I can’t even feel her energy anymore. She doesn’t respond to phone calls or emails. Gone. Abruptly gone.

My mind and spirit know this is all fine and recognize this and other changes are all part of growth. And I am loving the parts of me that are so sad about it, including the part that immediately comes up – the one that says I am bad or did something wrong so she is backing away from me. It is all part of growth and if it is meant to be a deeper, longer friendship we will be in contact in this life again sometime.

Meanwhile, I keep loving me and reminding myself to stay open to love and to life.

Last week I had a panic attack. I have had only one other in my life so it was kind of a shock to my system. It was all about my inability to access something that I knew was there intuitively and to heal it (read my previous post today) but at the time I didn’t know it. I called someone to get help. She talked to me for a short time then chose to go to make an appointment she had with someone who was going to teach her something about some software or online program or something.

Now, in my opinion, she could have rescheduled that appointment and helped me. I would be there for a friend. Not only did she choose to not do that, she never called back to check on me or to express support or anything (it has been a week).

At first I was angry that getting some software/computer help was more important to her than me, then I tried to tell myself that she is just having good boundaries and I shouldn’t push, then I got angry again!! LOL!! Now I am grateful for the role she has played in helping me recognize certain behavior and emotional patterns that I would like to heal. However, I will think long and hard before turning to her again for any help.

I got to look at myself and the pattern of attracting people who want a lot from me but don’t give back as much, and those who can give back for a short time but not consistently and those who can give some as long as I am not in too much emotional turmoil (the more intense the emotions, the farther they back away). I got to wonder about how self-absorbed I might be and how needy. Am I just like these people and is that why they are in my life? Or is my pattern of needing to be needed up for healing? I have an old pattern of belief that says I must be needed by others in order for them to like me and that I can’t be too needy or they will back away.

Of course all my internal patterns continue to create the same external patterns until I change the internal.

I also have been able to look at my expectations of people in general and friends in particular and realized I have some strong expectations of friends. So I have been accepting that and allowing some change. I wondered if perhaps I am too needy and turn to others too much and that pushes them away. I worry that I will never be able to be a part of any community if I cannot let supportive people in or push them away with my energy or neediness (if that is indeed what is happening). I have comforted myself around those thoughts.

I also have been grateful to recognize how strong I truly am. I may wonder about all this neediness but really am aware of just how powerful I can be when I remember!! I remembered I don’t need someone else to have fun and to be grounded. I re-recognized how I draw to me the absolutely perfect people and circumstances to trigger my own spiritual evolution. I am so grateful that even though I feel hurt over and over, I am able to love myself anyway and re-open to new experiences and relationships.

I also recognized that I , like MANY others, am in a period of intense growth and all my experiences right now are supporting that. So people will come and go, they will react to my energy and their own internal shifting, I will be guided to try new things and healers and to move on, etc. I guess I am learning to be more flexible and less attached to outside experiences and relationships. Perhaps I can continue to allow that learning to get easier and easier?

Isn’t that amazing that this woman agreed on some level to be the trigger for all this beautiful growth?  And isn’t it fabulous that I allowed myself to recognize it?

I haven’t written in over a month. I thought about it a lot but didn’t do it. I had a hard May. All my resistance and denial and ’stuckness’ caught up with me.

I spend a lot of time processing. I do my best to meditate, to expand my consciousness while balancing the physical and emotional. I am committed to being as expanded as I can be while in the human body. I still wasn’t moving through something. I knew it because of the symptoms. I was sick and experienced out of control eating (always a sign I don’t want to address something or am so full of fear I cannot). But I couldn’t get to it, whatever IT was.

Two weeks ago I knew I needed something to change because my life wasn’t moving forward. I felt strongly that something was off, as if something should have changed in February that didn’t. I took a detour in my path where I am aligned with my higher self but got lost on the way. So I made appointments with an acupuncturist and an energy healer to get help. I also signed up to participate in a few more local groups – just to get out and meet people. I felt intuitively as if something in my life should be different and I wanted to give myself the opportunity to be exposed to as many new people and ideas as possible. Kind of to give the opening for something to come to me.

Finally a week ago I had a strong panic attack. It was a big deal because I have only had one panic attack in my whole life and it was the day the doctor told me I had cancer. Recently, I have been so sick I was worried the cancer was back. I reached out to two people to help – one was on her way out of town and couldn’t. The other person talked to me for a short time then chose to make an appointment with a tutor for some online help and never called back – more about my reaction to that and how it spurred more spiritual growth in another blog. So I had the opportunity to deal with this emotionally on my own for many days.

Luckily the acupuncturist helped a LOT with the physical symptoms and I was able to calm down. But it was the energy healer who gave me information and helped with some deeper issues. Seems so much old hurt and other stuff had been stuffed into various energetic places within that I was backed up. I reached the level of healing that was needed to clear it but couldn’t do it on my own. She claimed that all sorts of guidance had been coming to me about direction in life but I couldn’t access it or hear it or immediately thought it wasn’t right so it went away. She also said that while much of my energy is in the 5th dimension I wasn’t connecting in a way that could bring the energy into the physical world for me.

She is a miracle worker and I shifted a great deal while working with her. More is flowing for me. I had another spontaneous shift today where I think I was able to release the barrier holding back some newer energy (or energetic part of me) and walk deeper into my own light (or put another way, let more of my light/soul etc fill my human body).

Since working with her most of my physical symptoms of illness have gone away and I am beginning to sleep again. I am not as angry at work and am able to do my jobs (I have two plus my own business) better. I have more energy, although I am aware of just how exhausted my body got (with the sicknesses, lack of sleep and inner energy conflicts).

I am writing about all of this because I came up with so many ways that my body and energy and emotions were trying to give me clues that I needed to deal with something. BUT I am equally aware I just wasn’t ready on some level to deal with it. Part of me was crazed with the need to move to the next level. However, part of me was so afraid and so blocked I could not. So all sorts of symptoms cropped up. This time I knew the symptoms were there but it took longer than I wished for the underlying cause to be addressed.

One day I declared my commitment NO MATTER WHAT to living up to my highest potential and was very content in that moment. The next day the panic hit. Isn’t it interesting how my higher self helps to move things along?