One of the wonderful results of all the processing over the past year and especially the past few months is that I seem to have let go of the perpetual anxiety I used to experience. I didn’t realize how systemic it was until it let up.

However, now, I can not tolerate anxiety at all. I went from healing it to not being able to tolerate it at all in a week (I think).  If I let myself dwell in anxiety for longer than a few hours I get slammed with allergy or cold-like symptoms that get worse and worse until I reground and shift my focus to a more expansive one. This isn’t any different than my reaction to processed food, complaining (whether it is me or others doing the complaining), or any other lower dimensional stuff.

It really helps keep me from ‘backsliding’ and is immediate.  All I need is the part of me used to this old habit to catch up.

Moving into the higher dimensions has some interesting affects – no??

Funny – everything I read talks about being in communities and all I want to do right now is be by myself.  I feel no urging to join anything, meet anyone, or go anywhere.  Frankly there are days when getting to the grocery store is too much.

I know I am in the right place right now – or at least I am staying where I am for this month and next.  But I also see that I am not part of a local community at all.  I still feel comforted and reassured that all is well.  So I am doing my best to trust the timing for me.

I, like many people, wonder if I detoured off the path too far and it is taking so long to get back that it might be much harder than it could be.  I can be full of doubt from time to time.

When I wonder like that I sit down to meditate.  And I actually get that the ‘hard’ parts are behind me.  I am more in alignment now with my higher self and purpose than I have been in a long time.  That alignment will allow ease – it may not look like I thought but it will be easier.

I have been making jewelry a lot lately.  At first I thought it might be for a show and I was excited at the thought of earning more money through my art.  But now I am convinced that it is just to keep the creative juices flowing and keep me focused on something I like for a decent amount of time.  I may still sell or trade some of it.  However, I am less attached to what happens to it.

So I connect with my inner guidance much more these days.  Often I am not asking for guidance but for reassurance and comfort.  I always get a response that immediately calms me.  Then what I was wondering about is no longer important. I am hoping that means that I am open to and clearly recognizing where my soul alignment is taking me.

So two things in my life have made a HUGE difference.  Opening to the part of me that can feel love and finding a fabulous Naturopath who gave me great herbs and aminos that allow me to sleep.  I slept for 3 nights in a row.  First time since before I had cancer.  It is amazing  how calm I am and even tempered when I sleep. 

For the first time ever I also feel full now if I eat too much.  I actually have to think about what to eat because I am not feeding my addiction, I am eating just to eat.  Since I am actually filling my inner emptiness with love rather than food, everything has changed.

Isn’t it amazing the changes that happen when we evolve spiritually?  I am also feeling less needy and  no need to push for information about my future. This week I have been more accepting of where I am spiritually, financially and emotionally. 

It is easier to manifest good things in your life when you let love in, when you appreciate the good things.  I can’t wait to see what is next.

This particular blog is incredibly long and somewhat convoluted but such an incredibly miraculous breakthrough happened for me this week that I wanted (no – needed) to share.

One of the reasons I have always cited for beginning my conscious spiritual path was to heal my relationship to food.  Ever since I can remember I have used food to make myself feel better.  However, after eating a lot of it I felt bad for being out of control and for the increasingly negative toll it was taking on my body. No matter how much I ‘worked’ or focused on it, I couldn’t change my patterns and addictions. I actually went into panic every time I just decided that I HAD to change and forced myself to eat on a particular schedule and only certain foods.  I also became very angry at the feeling of being deprived to the point of abandoning each effort to eat healthily.

It has only gotten worse since I was diagnosed with Diabetes a few years ago.  My internal self-blame was turned on high and I could not relax at all.  This anxiety and stress was making everything worse for me, even more so than my food choices.

Then there was the shame.  Here I was, experiencing one incredible spiritual and intuitive expansion after another, assisting many people in their own spiritual evolutions, and I couldn’t heal this within me.  I never cut myself any slack around it either.   Many, many, well intentioned psychic friends and readers reminded me to trust that I was being taken care of, that it would shift when I was ready, and that I was on the right path at the right time.  Some of them were even successful at assisting me in calming down.  But it never lasted too long.  We won’t even get into the number of people who thought I should just make the choice to stop eating so much and it would all be ok (don’t you wonder how these people survive their own lives sometimes?).

Finally after months of physical illness and other stress related symptoms of resistance (including some scary hair loss), I was able to surrender a bit and get some intense help.  In June I integrated a part of me that knew how to love myself.  Since then I have been intensely releasing inherited tendencies and beliefs (inherited from my biological family).  I agreed to spend this month (July) trusting that I would be taken care of, making lots of art and swimming. I stopped watching TV again (got rid of the cable so I can’t even if I wanted to).  I spend my time off work alone as much as possible, as quietly as possible.

Of course the inner panic got worse.  Isn’t that the way it always is before you get ready to make a big shift?  It is for me.  The part of me holding on to the old ways fights even harder to hold on.  Also, two friends that I had relied on in the past let go of our friendship.  I was definitely being guided to go inward for this shift.

Then I took some time off in July (last weekend) and spent it making art.  It is a calming thing for me to do. I also had an appointment to exchange healing sessions with a wonderfully talented acquaintance who lives in Sedona, AZ. Interestingly enough, another healer who I allow to help me called and told me the only appointment she had during the next two weeks was the same day as my exchange, a little later.  I took it but then had a very strong reaction of needing to cancel it.  I didn’t.  I am incredibly glad I didn’t because I needed the intensive that one day to address this issue.

During the exchanged healing session my acquaintance shared the information about when I cut myself off from feeling loved in this life.   She reminded me that I ‘fed’ the panicked part of me (panicked because I cut myself off from feeling loved) with all sorts of addictive behaviors, including eating.  I have stopped most of the other addictions (with the possible exception of anger) but was panicking about changing my relationship to food because I hadn’t healed the underlying cause all the way.

You know, I remember telling someone when I was 19 that I ate to fill the empty hole within me.  But it made no difference in my behavior. There have been other times in my life when this info has come to me but I wasn’t ready to heal the underlying source because of too much fear. I am hoping I am well on my way to this healing completely.

During my recent healing exchange, we worked on letting love in, releasing more family stuff that was in the way, and embracing the 7-8 year old within who was dissociated completely from my conscious awareness.  I even know the exact moment in this life that this occurred.  I have discussed it during therapy sessions earlier in my life.  But again, wasn’t ready to put all the pieces together or to allow healing on a deep level.

Before this I could intuitively see and intellectually understand that other people loved me but I NEVER felt loved. NEVER.  No wonder I have been lonely and angry and yearning (craving intensely really) connection with other people, probably to the extent of trying to suck them dry in my neediness.

So later on that same day, the same issue came up again but because of different symptoms.  My throat has been spontaneously closing off and on for a few months.  I thought it might be allergies or leftover from all the illness I have experienced this year.  The healer said it was an 8-year-old part of me and my reactions to her experiences (in this and other lives).  She also said it was in my 1st and 2nd chakras (which I have been releasing from and healing intensely since I had cancer there 2.5 years ago.  She worked on the patterns around all of that that.  I slept through the whole healing session, which I never do.  But there was so much releasing going on, I would have gotten in my own way if I had stayed awake.

So the rest of this week I have continued integrating and releasing.  On Friday (yesterday) when I went in, I saw that although I was integrating this part of me there was still a huge metal door that had slammed shut.    I opened it and walked into the most incredibly loving light – THAT IS ME AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN ME.  It was such a miracle I actually wasn’t sure it happened or if I just wanted it to happen.  Then I got a call from a psychic friend and she remarked on it, giving me the outside confirmation I thought I needed

Today, when I check inside I see light, roses and love.  Before all I tapped into were places that felt congested and needed healing.  Today I see the amazing healing already happening.  I am full of gratitude again.  I feel it today.  I FEEL it.  What a miraculous breakthrough.

This is a synopsis of a recent realization I experienced.  Just didn’t feel like writing it all out so bottom lined it.

FEAR OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY.
LOTS OF SPIRITUAL REASSURANCE THAT MONEY IS THERE AND
I WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF AT ALL TIMES.
AGREED  DURING A READING IN SEDONA FOR ONE MONTH TO BELIEVE.
STRUGGLE.
FEAR.
INTENSITY.
UNEXPECTED EXPENSE AT DENTIST’S.  UPCOMING TRIP TO ASHRAM AND NEED TO RENT A CAR.

CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW WILL AFFORD IT AND TOO UPSET TO REMEMBER THAT MIND WILL NOT KNOW AHEAD OF TIME.
TOOK MONEY OUT OF DWINDLING INVESTMENTS.
ADDED UP ALL BILLS, ONLY TO REALIZE MONEY IS THERE.
SHAME.
PRAYING THAT IT NOT BE TAKEN AWAY.
PRAYING THAT THE REASSURANCE/GUIDANCE NOT BE WITHHELD BECAUSE I DIDN’T LISTEN.

REALIZING IT IS ALL MY CHOICE.
GUIDANCE ALWAYS THERE.

WOW – I went on a trip to Sedona a few weeks back and finally surrendered to the next phase in my spiritual evolution. I will be talking more about it in later blogs as it all integrates more.

Today I am here to talk about my ego and this spiritual evolution process. I had an enormous amount of help from the universe, guides and human people to be able to allow some pretty big shifts. I reaffirmed my desire to help all sorts of people and be open to those who needed help in whatever form it took. And yet, when I had an opportunity to spend many hours helping two people, my ego got all bent out of shape.

I witnessed a miraculous day at work (I work in a bead store) this past Sunday. Someone was guided to come into the store and start talking about her amazing journey to AZ (from the midwest somewhere). My co worker and her resonated with each other tremendously. The energy between the three of us coalesced beautifully as I was guided to help the customer unlock some constraints in her journey and she was guided to help my co worker satisfy some of her yearnings for information about her future. At one point the customer and I both helped my coworker deal with some leftover feelings about her mom dying.

As I said, a miraculous day. BUT no one helped me with anything. And as the day went on I felt more and more irritated that I, once again, spent a lot of time helping others and felt I received nothing in return at that time. After work I felt angry. I had gone to work still in the glow and gratitude of all the wonderful miracles and synchronicities I experienced during the two weeks prior to that day. I wanted that back. So I took a shower, meditated, prayed, chanted, visioned myself expanding and asked for info.

Two things happened. My own inner disbelief that I would be taken care of no matter what happened outside of me was exposed more. It was time for it to heal. Because of that, I tapped into the neediness and some fear of both the customer and my coworker. So I allowed all of that to receive comfort, acceptance and healing. I also forgave myself for all my negative thoughts and blessed both of the other people for their help in my own self-discovery.

This shifting process is not linear. Everytime I embrace more light in my body, all sorts of old fears come up for healing. Everyone goes through that. I forget about the timing thing. This stuff can keep coming up for weeks. The cool thing is that I got used to feeling gratitude and expansion so quickly that as soon as it felt mucked up by old beleifs and emotions I took steps to shift/heal it.

I am going to need to remember this as the chaos on the earth escalates over the next few years. I can feel the fear when I read articles that say we are out of time to learn to listen to our guides or when talk/writing of the economy reaches fever pitch. I don’t have a clear picture of my own future and how I will survive. I am not part of a local community (which is the way many are being guided to live in comfort) and cannot ’see’ how that will happen. So I have to live on faith right now. I have to listen to my own guidance which has told me to swim and do LOTS of art (the way I satisfy my soul) this month, and not to worry about the future at all. Some days that is just perfect. Some days I am chomping at the bit to know more. I use all my tools for staying centered EVERY DAY now!!!!!!