I have been on vacation for almost 3 weeks.  During which I have done an immense amount of processing and shifting.  I have written about it here.

Thursday I went back to a part time job at a bead store. I walked in unattached, happy, light, looking forward to the day.  I came home heavy and tired, unable to do anything but sit on the couch.  When I woke up Friday I was in pain and full of anger.

I tried when I came home from work to clean off.  I tried again  – over and over – Friday morning.  It took until friday afternoon before I felt light and happy again.

UGH!!!  I don’t want to feel bad each time I go outside my door.  I don’t like being in my house by myself all the time.  But the disparity in the energy inside my house and outside is pretty strong.  Besides that, apparently I am not very grounded in my own energy or I wouldn’t be so easily influenced. At least that is what I think.

Actually, I was so thrilled that the supervisor was being half way nice on Thursday that I joined her in complaining.  I know that helped clog my energy up.  I did it to myself.  So today as I prepare for work, I am intending that I stay balanced, light, and suffused with my love.  I intend that any issues I have that are so wonderfully triggered at this job move through easily and gently.  I love myself too much to put myself through this up and down emotional/energy thing anymore.  I am very willing to shift easily and quickly and fluidly.

I had a recent lesson in discernment I wanted to share.  When I was in Sedona last week I went to a psychic for a reading.  I love getting them from others because it is fun and they often focus on aspects of me I don’t usually notice.  I had received a GREAT reading from this particular psychic in June so I was looking forward to seeing him again.

Well, when you change as fast as I do, you really should check with your guidance before assuming that someone who supported you perfectly before will do so again.  This goes for massage therapists, acupuncturists, reiki practioners, doctors, as well as psychics.

The reading was mixed as to how much I resonated with it.  But later he called me back and said his guides wanted to do a release on me and he wanted me to come over that evening to do it.  It didn’t feel clean to me, meaning it felt like there was some of his own issues involved.  At the time I thought it was that he wanted more money.  So I didn’t go.

Then he called me Monday (after I got back) to tell me again that his guides wanted him to do a release on me and that there would be no charge.  Since I thought the only reason it didn’t feel right was that he was pushing for it to get more money, I said yes.

When he talked to me about why he was doing what he was doing, I didn’t feel or see it.  I thought that maybe he was right and I just wasn’t ready to see it.  He claimed there was a parallel life here on this earth at this time that I was leading – ie my soul was embodied in a male body also somewhere in Europe in this lifetime.  This other me was sucking my energy.  I asked him why wasn’t it getting energy from my soul – surely there was plenty to go around.  All he said was that it was agreed upon.  So we erected an energetic wall between the two bodies.

Now right there I should have been paying attention, because if someone is sucking your energy you don’t put up a barrier, you go inside and let go of any agreement that ALLOWS him/her to suck your energy.  Then you disconnect.  But I forgot at that time.

The next day I was miserable. My whole right side hurt, my toilet backed up, I couldn’t create any jewlery, and two other things went wrong (that I cannot remember right now).  I began asking to release anything I might have picked up and to reverse anything we did the night before that wasn’t for my highest and best good.  But it wasn’t moving.

Luckily I had already had a healing exchange set up with  a friend for that day.  She helped me rebalance my body.  Apparently I have allowed a complementary aspect of me (appears male and has traditionally feminine feeling energy – I am the opposite) to come closer to hold energy for me and to help me in my immediate future here on earth.  When I erected the ‘wall’ it was between me and that aspect of me.  Hence the imbalance.    Turns out the psychic got it partly right but mostly he wanted to play a little in my energy and just didn’t have the clarity or correct vibration to do so.

BOY what a difference.  I was calm, centered, happy to just be after I got rebalanced.  I needed the extra energy of someone else to reverse what I agreed to do with the psychic.  Everything my friend told me felt right vs my non-response to what the psychic said.  Now, I know better.  But he said with the wall up my body would begin to really heal in September.  Because that is a trigger for me – healing my body from some chronic conditions- I went with my deep desire for it rather than pay attention to my intuition about what we were going to do.

It reminds me to stay out of my ego when I do readings because everything is filtered through my issues.  I am totally committed to clearing my issues to be the highest and clearest help I can be to others.  But I never know when I might get in the way.

The most immediate result of all these changes is feeling out of sorts.  I go to eat something I am sure I like – only I don’t.  I pick up  magazine that I enjoyed last month but now could care less.  Talking to friends annoys me.  I am not interested in creating jewelry for a craft fair in October (for which I already paid an entry fee).  It is unsettling.

Most of the time I can surrender the annoyance to my angels and guides and allow reassurance.  Today I am having a hard time with that.  I want to go back to bed but I cannot sit or lay still at all.

There is nothing I can point to as ‘wrong.’  As a matter of fact, I know this is a GOOD sign.  It means the changes within have been profound and far reaching.  But it is difficult to handle at the moment.

I have gone through this before, where the old falls away before the new comes in.  In the past I think I called back some of the old or pushed to get to the new.  This time I am being with it.  I am accepting this is where it is – even if I do complain at the same time! LOL!!  Okok, if I were really totally accepting I probably wouldn’t be complaining.  It is my way of letting off steam.  And now I can go into the freaked out part of me and love it up (as a friend of mine says).

I am committed to clearing and healing.  This is part of it.  Let’s hope I can stay in this place of accepting that this IS a  part of it and not create anything else to fill the void that doesn’t need to be there!!!

After the lovely events in Sedona (see 8/20/08 blog) I went into all the pain I was holding onto primarily in the 3rd chakra.  It was very intense.  But I embraced, released or healed it all.  This happened on Thursday when I got back from Sedona.  More released on Friday during a massage.  I have been drained ever since.

I feel completely different now.  So much has purged this summer – friends, acquaintances, jobs, beliefs, obligations, emotions, energy etc.  Have you read Karen Bishop’s 8/21 article in whatsuponplanetearth.com?  She talks about this time.  Yesterday and today I spent a lot of time sitting.  The whole day went by with nothing much happening but time passing.  I am being very kind to myself and not pushing myself to do anything at all.  I am not talking to people if I don’t feel like it, I go out when I feel like it and stay home when I don’t want to go out.  I lay around and read or watch dvd’s or  play on the computer as  the whim hits me.  It feels very luxurious and supportive.

Funny, I went to Sedona with the hope of direction and clarity for my life.  I experienced intense processing and a shift in perspective about what I thought might be happening for me in the next year.  However, I am not sure I feel any clearer about my direction in life.  I thought I might be moving to the Asheville NC area.  Now I have no idea if I am even moving.

But what I do notice is that I am trusting my higher self more and surrendering all my wants and desires to that aspect of me.  I am deliberately trying not to focus or worry about my future.  Each time I do, I ask aspects of my higher self to take it away and reassure me and my cat (who is very sensitive to my moods).  I know what I would like to experience over all in this life and can name some things I think will bring it to me.  But the truth is I have been changing so much, as has humanity and the earth, that I don’t really know if what I want WILL actually bring me the experience I crave.

I want to feel limitless.  I want to notice if there is fear but be clear on what is for my highest good anyway.  I want to feel loved and cherished no matter who I am around. I want to feel loving and joyful no matter what is going on around me.   I want comfortable human companionship in the form of community, friends and a mate.  I also want effortless abundance on all levels but especially physical comfort (including finances), health, joy and heart-felt work.  I want to be comfortable and happy as things unfold for me in this life.  If the last few days are any indication of what is to come – I think some form of this IS possible in this life for me.

I am allowing my guides and aspects of my higher self to provide for me, to actually guide me and co create with me. I am kind of excited with the possibilities.

I had a very magical demonstration of how all the lives we lead on all levels, dimensions and realities is actually all in the now – rather than the past or future.

I am in Sedona for some R&R and had a very fun evening with a friend of mine. She had a vision while we were talking about me in another dimension or reality. In that reality I volunteered to get pregnant by a particular individual. Neither of us were human in the way we describe human beings now. However, I experienced some very human emotions that have affected my entire life in this body that is writing to you now.

In that reality it was the norm to get pregnant and give the baby up. I was chosen to be asked to volunteer because of some genetics of mine that was wanted. I have no idea why I volunteered. My guess is that it was a privilege or duty to do so. The impregnator was a tall being with long blonde hair and eyes that changed color. But I decided somewhere along in the pregnancy that I wanted to keep the baby. I wasn’t allowed to.

My friend who had this vision was the doctor who did the birthing and took the baby (maybe even the geneticist?).

As my friend was telling me this I could feel the truth of it inside of me. The intensity of the energy in my body let me know it was true. The energy in the room changed dramatically as she told the story.

All that is ok but here’s where the proof comes. So my friend tells me that I felt the guilt of letting go of the baby in this life in the body that I am writing this post with. She said I was 16 or 17. I decided to put weight on to protect myself right around the middle. It apparently was also part of my decision not to have babies in this life.

In this life I went to college at 17 and promptly gained 40 pounds – pretty much all around my middle. I have not been able to let it go (I am now 47). Even though I have known it was for protection, I could not get to the source of the need for protection energetically. Also, my first lover in this life (soon after going to college) was a tall blonde with eyes that changed color. However, I have never been with a blonde since and have even said at one time or another I don’t like blondes. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

As this story was being told I could feel and see a beautiful divine mother energy come into the room and the energy of the being that impregnated me in that reality. It was so incredibly loving. I could see the healing happening between my energy in that reality and my energy in this reality (in the body writing this). My friend began to heal her remorse at taking the baby.

I am mindfully working in tandem with higher aspects of me to heal this programming that says I have to keep the weight for protection.

To me this is a lovely piece of evidence that whatever happens to us in whatever dimension or reality affects us now because it is ALL now!!!

So how does one accept what is when one DOES NOT like what is??  HOW????

That darn ego. Part of my ego’s emotions includes an inner saboteur. It shows up subtly telling me not to do things that will help me live life fully or telling me to do things that will block me from doing the same. Sometimes it isn’t so subtle but sometimes it is.

I have had a hard year. I have felt stuck pretty much all year until about the end of May. And slowly, oh so slowly, I am opening up again. So when a customer at the bead store where I temporarily work mentioned an upcoming craft fair, I gave her my number to send me the info on it. I figured if she called I would follow up, if not I wouldn’t worry about it.

Well she called. Since things HAVE felt stuck all year and this seemed to come to me easily, I called about it. I went and got my jewelry juried in to the show and sent my application and deposit in.

I have been merrily and madly making jewelry ever since. Then, in the wake of so much processing and opening up (see my blogs since June), I was feeling kind of vulnerable. I became aware of my inner disappointment I was still carrying over how my life has gone in Tucson and in general. As I was channeling I asked about the craft fair. The info that came to me was that the whole point was just to get me to create something every day and not to give me more money. I received the info that I would be reimbursed for the money I put in, but not much more.

Well that sure took the wind out of my sails. I have spent a lot getting the supplies I need to finish many pieces to have enough to sell. I like creating but not at the speed I need to in order to be ready for the fair.

Then today as I was talking about so many things with my monk friend (including my ego) I found myself saying that it wasn’t true. That info came to me as a way to sabotage myself. I have been loving myself so much, my ego felt afraid and needed to fight back. So it interfered with my own channeling. I was afraid at how fast things were going and how different I really felt after all this opening up.

I have no idea if I will make a decent amount of money at this craft fair or not. But I do feel renewed interest in making jewelry. I am amazed at how tricked I feel and at how crafty (pun intended) my ego actually is!!!

How do I know the difference when I am channeling clearly or my ego interferes as it tries to hang on? Well I guess I don’t. I guess it will come to me in talking to others or from others who are incredibly intuitive. The key for me is to surrender no matter what and not get caught up in the specificity of the information.

SIGH!!! That surrendering thing has got me stumped. I have to admit. But I will be going to Sedona for the next few days to do just that. To surrender to what is and accept what is – again and again and again.

On Thursday I was sobbing (once again) about wanting to feel loved.  As you know, I have been working on that issue all summer, starting with integrating a part of me that at one time DID know how to love myself.

As I was sobbing I kept saying out loud that I am loved, I accept abundance and love, I am loved etc etc etc.  Then I heard the most loving, gentlest voice ever say correct me by reminding me that I AM love.  I only have to accept myself.  I felt it. I felt an opening in my heart chakra to that.  I felt the knowing truth of it.  So I said it over and over “  I am love.”.  I felt the light that is me blossom out through me.  I felt the bliss of it.

Love can never hate itself or anything that is part of it because it is ALL love.  It is all love.  That means even the judgmental parts of me get to be part of love.  That means even my body which functions even with all the negative thoughts I have about it gets to be part of the love.  That means there is no separation between me and love.  It is only a trick that I have been pretending that I am not love – like I pretend sometimes I am not god.

Intellectually I have understood this for years.  But on Thursday I dove into a deeper level of me to absorb it – to BE it.

On Friday I woke up cranky and out of sorts.  I felt bored and apathetic.  I didn’t even want to create art (so NOT me).  Nothing interested me yet I felt driven to get out of the house and go somewhere, anywhere.  I wanted to eat a lot (a sure sign I was out of balance).  I began talking to a monk friend about it and had to hang up to focus on a vision that was coming to me.

I had a another visit with this beautifully compassionate divine mother energy. She was ’standing’ in front of me (I say she although the energy shows up as energy rather than a person to me).  I was invited to let go of a lot of old stuff I had been holding on to.  This old stuff helped create a barrier between me and knowing I am the love I am seeking.  I bent over (in my vision) and put a lot of things down.  I didn’t see what the things were, I didn’t care.  After I let go, a very gentle surge of energy carried these things off.  I felt other parts of me letting go also.  Then in my vision I changed from the adult to the child that felt I needed these things because of the hole where I stopped feeling that I was loved.  It was wonderful.  I cried happy tears and in the space of minutes was calm and centered again.  It changed my whole day.

Yesterday and today I have been a bit emotional as the rest of me gets used to how different I feel.  I actually craved greens all day yesterday. A wonderful proof that I was calm again.

Well I changed a lot in my life Monday. I am still shaky about it all. In one day I cancelled a trip to an ashram, quit one of my part time jobs and changed my schedule at work. It took me until today (Wed) to get back settled in my body.

A friend said these changes were a result of a decision I had made and that I no longer needed to go to the Ashram.

During the past 3-4 years I have been having an internal conflict about continuing to focus on my spiritual growth. I have liked the visions, the helping humanity and the earth, and the visiting other dimensions and realities more than my life on earth. However, my life on earth has been filled with lots of loss and loneliness. I have experienced a great deal of illness and harshly pushed through resistance as I hurled myself forward in my growth (at lightening speed sometimes) to make sure I could continue to help on a grand scale.

In times of great irritation and stress, I have said that I just want a ’small’ life ( a ‘normal’ life) with enough money to live on, a mate and a community that I enjoy. No more intense processing etc, no more believing I would be helping lots of people through their own spiritual awakenings. As soon as I said that and began to live it, I would then get sick or go into turmoil and be right back processing and changing intensely all the time. The inner conflict around what seemed like two opposing choices was intense and created a lot of psychic noise.

So my fear has been that I chose to let go of the spiritual aspect of my life; that I closed the door on something I should have left open.

But I am coming to realize the decision I made is different than that. It is a decision to integrate; to stop seeing these choices as opposites. I do not need to grow in isolation on an ashram. It is ok if I do not expand my awareness as fast as I might have if I went to the ashram. I don’t need to be a guru or expanded being that cannot function in every day life. I can be as spiritual as I wish and enjoy physical life too. I can live from my heart and just be.

If you read Karen Bishop’s articles on Whatsuponplanetearth.com you know many are now able to put down the mantle of assisting the earth shift through their own energies. I was having a hard time doing that. I think I might have done it now!!!

Perhaps the decision is to grow more from my heart and not my ego. To truly surrender to being in alignment with my higher self regardless of how that turns out. Since I am still fresh in this new direction I do not know. All I know is that there is an alignment that was not there before. There is an inner peace. The psychic noise of some internal conflict that used to constantly play in the background is gone. That is enough for now.

Well it has been an intense week for me – how about you?  I have experienced ascension symptoms more intensely this week than I have in almost 3 years, when I was making big huge leaps and bounds but through a lot of resistance.

Today I finally just went to bed.  I asked that I receive help in surrendering.  It felt like I was being twisted inside.  The energy was so high.  Plus I tend to feel the earth shifts in my body when they are particularly intense.  But I think today had more to do with my own resistance.

I usually am pretty clear about what is going on but this time I have no idea what I was resisting.  It could have  just been a drag on my own shifting.  I know I had intuitive visuals of large bubble of lower vibration energy transforming.  I went deep into myself and found where I was hiding a golden nugget.  I thought I saw/felt/sensed (sometimes it all blends together) angels take it gently from the part of me holding on and placing it in its proper place.  I felt an immediate calming.  I also psychically saw various oppressed emotional parts of me heal.

Then I began to see a line of energy within relax.  From my throat through my third chakra had some energies bound up – twisted vertically.   As they untwisted, I also felt more relaxed.  In order for this to finish however, I had to go to sleep.  I intended and prayed for help in shifting thoroughly and let myself go to sleep.

Now, hours later, I have less pain and intensity but still am experiencing the pain ‘hangover’.  I am sure that will heal soon.

I am going to an ashram next week in Southern GA.  The monk there has powerful and free flowing connection with her higher self.  Last time I went there was a lot of clearing, integrating and shifting.  I also came home with a clearer guidance for the next part of my life.  I am hoping for the same this time.

I sure hope everyone reading this is taking good and gentle care of themselves, especially if you all are experiencing this shift as strongly as I am.