WHEW!!  Sometimes you shift and shift and you still don’t clear out the fear that seems ever present. I have experienced that for a month now.  It is very frustrating.  I have had some great visions, processes and spiritual growth.  But couldn’t quite clear or even identify some underlying fear.

Well finally yesterday I let go of it.  I had an interesting vision of this woman in white glowy clothes in my 3rd chakra (where the fear was showing up).  She looked beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside, full of chaos and insecurity.  I didn’t see her face but she was tied into all sorts of parts of me. As I felt the heavy energy of fear begin to lighten I saw her begin to come unanchored within me. I saw various feminine aspects of god help her/it out of me.    As she left, I was shown how this energy was tied into every woman who had ever been in my life who either stated she would help me/take care of me or chose that role (like my mom) but actually demanded much more from me than was ever given.  I saw how my own need for loving filtered through this energy and I was, therefore, not able to truly allow help or allow myself to get close to any one.  I had too much fear about what I would have to pay to have a small amount of closeness. So, of course, women friends have come and gone in my life, with very few exceptions.

As the vision progressed I saw the cords to all of these women, past and present, alive or dead, fall away.  I felt the heavy fear energy lift out and became aware of a vast emptiness.  I allowed my own higher, loving energy to fill that emptiness.  Today some anger is healing.

I have been out of control with my eating – a sure sign that something has needed help – for over a month now.  Today, I only want small amounts of food and only fresh.  Totally different. I feel lighter.  I am once again amazed at how complicated things can get.  This energy/vision was under so many other issues that had to be addressed first before I would allow this shift.

I am so grateful to myself.  I have healed my money issues and apparently am on my way to allowing more emotionally intimate relationships in my life.  YIPPPEEE!!

ok, So I am supposed to be resting and assimilating and enjoying.  GEESH!!  You would think I would embrace that wholeheartedly and relax.

I am not sure relaxing is part of my vocabulary.

I seem to be handling not knowing where I am moving to ok.  Heck, I don’t even know what I will be doing next month.  Just about everything is boiling down to the next step or what is going on in the next week.  That is unusual for me and I am allowing myself to be in that space AND allowing the fear and ego irritation that sometimes comes up with being in that space.

But when I don’t feel great (because of some processing usually) or I wonder what is going on with my cat (really good thing I never had kids) I try to push.   I push for resolution or information.  If I don’t like the intuitive information I push to change it.  Or I call friends for psychic help.  In my channeling to myself I actually was told to stop asking friends.  I was told I have changed so much, and continue to change so fast, that their info is not necessarily correct anymore.

I have had three migraines in the past few weeks.  They seem to be coming when I am resisting something or I have picked up some energy that is not mine.  This is a new reaction.  I am thinking it is so severe because it is time for me to be more aware and I do not have the luxury of ignoring that right now.  Most of my resistance has been to staying in Tucson for a few more months.  I WANT TO GO NOW!!!!!  LOL!!!  I was trying to be practical and wait until my lease is up then go.  I know my next place has not been set up for me or I am not ready for it.  Either way it won’t work to ‘push’ and try to get myself there (wherever there is – and I do not know yet) any earlier.  So my poor body is bearing the brunt of my emotional blocks – again.

So back to basics.  Breathing.  Grounding.  Expanding my heart energy.  Thanking my higher self and God for supporting me.  Reminding myself I am taken care of at all times.  Consciously relaxing and expanding further into my higher self.  Self talk about how great things are for me.  AND lots of love to my body.

How is everyone else handling the current shifts within themselves and on earth??

So after months of being grumpy about still being in Tucson and very irritated about the heat (still near 100 even though we are nearing the end of September), I decided to focus on the positive things that have happened to me here. I had the help of a wonderfully nurturing friend for that. Now that I am focusing on where my next move might lead me it is easier to reflect on all the growth that has occurred within me while in Tucson – and maybe because of being in Tucson.
1. The most amazing thing is that I seem to have healed most of my money issues. I no longer panic about where it is going to come from. I am not caught up in the chaos of the current economic changes. I have no feeling of how I will earn money in my future and I still trust and know it will be ok. AND nothing has changed for me in the physical world to create this (like a windfall of money or winning the lottery) except I quit one of the part time jobs I held.

2. I have been led to one GREAT healer after another in Tucson. From an internist to a spiritual acupuncturist to an energy healer to a massage therapist to an intuitive naturopath. My physical health is sooOOOoo much better than it was when I got here.

3. The land has been very supportive and great for me to really expand my own energy. No limits on that.

4. I met a man who reminded me how to have fun again and who helped me reconnect and reopen my 1st and 2nd chakras. He also helped me appreciate my own physical body better through his attraction and appreciation.

5. My body has really responded to the dryness here and it has helped the healing progress.

6. All kinds of people have come in and out of my life effortlessly to help my spiritual evolution.

7. I was easily led to a part time job where I got to hone my creative skills and enjoy teaching people to tap into theirs. I also recognized that I was able to assist a lot of people energetically and spiritually through contact with them on this job. The job also allowed me the opportunity to be in contact with others on a weekly basis. I did my other two jobs at home.

So in my last months here I am appreciating Tucson, the city and the land.

Well, I went through a spontaneous detox after my last post on here. It began to subside when I surrendered – again- to my higher self.

You see I had gotten myself all worked up about trying to stay in Tucson because I thought I could create the perfect life anywhere. If that is true why move? But I am done with my tasks and healing that needed to complete in Tucson. I have helped the land and I have allowed healing within me. It is time to move on. See my posts on my yahoo groups for more information – down2earthspiritstuff.

Since then so much has changed. Doesn’t it always? My intuition and channeling is stronger and clearer. I have let go of a lot that I was holding onto – but didn’t know it. For instance, I entered a juried craft fair and have been making a lot of jewelry to sell. But because I was focused on making money and perhaps beginning a local art business (after all if my spiritual healing business is not flourishing here in Tucson I have to find something else), my attachment to it left when I surrendered to my higher self. Now I have no idea if I am doing it or not because I do not feel anything about it at all. Plus my two helpers flaked on me. I found two more but I am very relaxed and going with the flow. If it happens, it does. Also the part time job at a bead store is different now. Once again, I am less attached. I am focused on staying centered and having fun. I may actually leave the job soon.

Now all of this seems illogical in the face of the economic times but I am spiritually supported more than ever in following my own intuition with the choices I am making. All those times of making choices that did not fit into society’s or my family’s acceptance have just been practice compared to now.

I am going through an internal metamorphosis also. All of us have been shifting over the years. Some started recognizing it earlier than others, but we have all participated in one way or another. However, since a few days ago every time I tune in I am given pictures of my cells actually transforming because of so much light. Usually I get words of explanation or snippets of other things but this time is a little different. I don’t have much more information than that but it feels perfect for me right now. Today I notice it has slowed down some. Yesterday I began to get visions of a possible future for me as well as seeing what was going on energetically right now for the US (see my latest post to my yahoo group).

I have been encouraged to rest this month. To go with the flow more. I tend to want to go inside and ‘help’ all the processing. I have been gently told to stop that. Resting is not easy for me. Trusting completely in my higher self is harder than I thought it would be given all the effort I have put into just that for YEARS!! But yesterday I began to see why. Intellectually we can be told over and over that our higher selves will create a life even better than we (our brains or egos) can imagine. But since I couldn’t imagine it, it was hard to trust. Now, I am reminding myself often to stay present each time I wander into the future or thoughts get stuck in the past. When I saw that snippet from a possible future life yesterday what struck me was not the images but the feeling of it. It felt so peaceful, so fulfilling, and so joyful. I am definitely open to that and allowing it with all of who I am.

Whew!! What a week. I get a massage on Monday and a lot of old stuff is released. (I have a GREAT massage therapist for that.) Then I have allergy like symptoms for a few days as the residue clears out. Additionally, I wake up Wednesday morning out of alignment in my head and throat due to some astral travels during my sleep, and have no energy most of the day. Even when I can get back into alignment (with a friend’s help) I still don’t feel good for the day. Something in the middle of this triggers my out-of-control eating on Tuesday and Wednesday. I couldn’t sleep on Wednesday night and Thursday was not feeling too great as a result. I slept last night but am sluggish and feeling quite vulnerable today.

Like I said – a difficult week. Isn’t it amazing no matter how much work one does or how much growing or allowing these kinds of times hit us anyway?

I was thinking about going to a bead show in town today (it comes twice a year). I know I can get beads there cheaper than in a local bead store. But the thought of being around people right now is turning me off. So I am going to listen to my intuition and stay home, even though I notice there is a small inner voice saying to me that I should go because prices are cheaper and if I am going to make a business of this I need prices to be cheaper, etc. I am loving up that voice and trying to tap back into the trust I AM so I can allow great abundance.

So lots of opportunities as I get into better alignment with my higher self this week.