I love feeling alive and energized.  When resistance is small and my alignment with my higher self is clear, I have so much energy, creativity and awareness of the positive possibilities in life.  Today I was able to walk without feeling pain or drained afterwards.  It has been a LONG time since that has happened.  My energy and enthusiasm is BAAAAAAAACK!!!  YAYAYAYAY!!!

We go along in life sometimes, trudging through the day-to-day muck that can cover us up so completely we cannot even take an extra step.  All of our energy is consumed with trying to just breathe and make it through the day.   Processing a lot in an attempt to more fully embrace our authentic selves (higher self, soul energy) also takes energy from our physical selves.  Plus, I don’t know about you all, but I can only spend so much time trying to convince myself I like a place or a job before I accept the truth.  Once I stop resonating with the energy of a place or a job or a person, I generally stop liking it or him/her.  Then there is the time in between and I don’t wait very well.

The time in between occurs when I stop resonating with the energy of a place, I know I will be leaving but have not yet received guidance or made a decision about where to move.  When it all came crashing back to me that I came to Tucson only to heal and not to get any kind of thriving local business going or to participate in any local communities, I became very angry.  Then I got very sick for a long time.  I tried to make myself small thinking I could have a small life and just forget everything spiritual I had been doing.  HAH!!

Then I got over myself and stepped further into my own evolutionary process, integrating the part of me that loves myself.  What a difference that has made!!.  One huge shift after another has followed. Yes, I have let go of any expectation of a thriving healing business or of living with a partner or a community.  However, I have aligned myself more fully with my higher self.  I am not trying to curtail my energy or live small in any way.  And miracles are occurring left and right.

Now, with only about a month to go in this town I no longer connect with, I am full of excitement and trust about my future.

I had an interesting moment on Monday this week.  I went into deep fear for about 15 minutes on how fast things seem to be moving in my life even though they are moving in a FABULOUS direction.  Many minor miracles are occuring to move me to my new location.  All I am doing is intending that I be aligned with my higher self in all ways always.

I had forgotten that it can feel just as out of control when one is getting what one wants fast.  I have experienced such a long time of not getting what I want that I forgot.

But I walked into the fear, I embraced it, I accepted it.  The intense panic diffused rather quickly.  Then I received more intuitive info about my move and the timing of it.

I thought I might move the middle to end of December and it seems I am going to LA thanksgiving week and may be back to Tucson during the first week of December. Then it seems I might be moving by  the end of the second week of December.  I have not been urged or guided to buy airplane tickets to go back to LA and today I recieved confirmation that I will be driving.  I find that amusing since I am a terrible car traveler and it is about 8 -9  hours from Tucson to Redondo Beach, CA (southern LA region of California).  However, today a friend said she thought someone might be driving with me.  That would certainly make it easier on me.

As long as I stay in alignment with this, as long as I do my best to trust my own intuition, I am receiving guidance every step of the way.  I know the next few steps anyway.  I may not know all of the info – like exactly where I will be living or how I will be earning money  - but I remain in trust anyway.  I read about this type of intuitive guidance 8 or 9 years ago but certainly didn’t trust enough to allow it.  I am allowing and it is going smoother than I could ever have imagined.

I just read a channeling where supposedly the entities being channeled are reminding people to live at least 1000 feet above sea level and some number of feet away from water.

I don’t think I realized that type of info is still being channeled.  Since I am being guided to move to the ocean and live near it, I cannot help but wonder about this reminder.  I know I have checked within over and over and this is the correct move for me.  So either I have agreed to be one of the ones washed away by the rising tides or I will be guided to move again before that happens, or it isn’t going to happen.

All I know is that I can only follow what feels true for me. 

In these times with the economy visibly undergoing a huge shift and the politics so different than what we have experienced before, things shift very fast and can seem very confusing and overwhelming.  I read channeled material that seems to contradict other material.  All I can do is be as clear and grounded as possible and then check with my higher self/my intuition as to what feels/seems right to me.  Then take action accordingly. 

And, of course, try to remember all of that when I feel frissons of fear when I read channeled material that seem to say my choices are wrong.  LOL!!!

Ok ok, I forgot I am powerful.  I forgot I am as aspect of god in a human body.  All this worrying is for naught because I CAN co-create fabulousness for myself.  My energy vibration is expanded, high and clear enough that my move and everything around it (finding a place to live, getting the right amount of furniture there, coordinating doing something with the rest of it, taking care of whatever the cat is deciding to do, overhauling my website, etc) can be comfortable and easy.  I forgot.

Somewhere I let my energy get tugged ‘down’ or constricted a little.  But I am choosing expansion and awareness again.

YAY!!!

My energy shifted a lot while I was in LA (CA) last weekend in preparation for my future move there.  Unfortunately I am back in Tucson now waiting until the time is right to move.

It is interesting to watch my every day life from the place of different energy.  I no longer resonate with the job or the weather or the city.  Issues and events and discussions I became involved in before no longer interest me at all.

More than that – a week later I am struggling with staying present.  I have let worries come up about the ‘how’ of the move rather than bask in the magic and trust I know to be available.  I got myself in the middle of overhauling my website so that I would be busy when I wasn’t working my part time job.  Even when I stop and try to relax I am having difficulties.

I am grateful when clients call or friends who need help.  I am able to reconnect consciously with my expanded self when I work with others.  I am now trying to love me as much as I love them!!!

Interesting this dance with magic (feeling connected) then back into pretending to be small and just the physical body I can see.  It is true that no matter how much I go back and forth I am still aware of being/feeling more expanded than before the trip last week.  So my lows aren’t as low but I am noticing the anxiety is still there.

I find that I am not quite embracing fully the intuitive knowledge that I am moving into a life full of more comfort and joy than ever.  I am still processing parts of me that don’t believe it.  All while gathering information and setting up assistance to move.

I guess I am amazed by this after all the processing (14 years consciously) in order to get to the place of comfort and joy that I am having difficulty believing it.  I am sure there are more people out there like this but my logical mind wants to say that I ’should’ have it by now.  LOL!!  One more thing to love myself through.

I went to Los Angeles (LA), CA last weekend with high hopes and the intention of gaining clarity about my near future. I have known for many months that I would be leaving Tucson in January but had not really felt the location of my new home too strongly. For about 3 months I thought I would be going to Asheville, NC. But that passed. Then I thought I might be staying in Tucson – that passed even quicker. Someone told me I couldn’t know too early or I might shift it. I tried to calm down then but January is around the corner.

I had a lot of signs and support during the trip to let me know I was beautifully aligned with my higher self, including how it was set up. I was supposed to participate in a craft fair in Tucson last weekend but realized on a phone call with a friend that I needed to go to LA instead. I intuitively felt the possibility of the craft fair was to get me to ramp up the creativity in my life. All my plans for the trip were made easily and many lovely synchronicities and little miracles occurred throughout the trip to remind me how aligned I was.

The energy began shifting in a huge way during the very first hour I was in LA. A friend and I went to eat near one of the beaches there. I felt the whale energy begin communicating with me almost immediately. I was standing near the beach and energy began rushing through me. It was overwhelming. Blessedly, I managed to allow it and stay out of the way. I couldn’t even hear the person standing next to me talking to me because there was so much clearing and opening happening. Luckily she is psychic and could sense what was going on AND has a great sense of humor too.

We stopped in two more places and by the time we were done I was tired. I saw myself moving to a particular area in LA, a maximum rent amount came to me as did information about a possible partner. When I consciously said yes I would move there (because I have a lot of trepidation about moving somewhere with so many other people living so close by) I saw the energy of California adjust so that it would be easier for me to live there. I had the same experience with I came to Tucson. The first thing that had to happen was some of the energy grids had to be adjusted. Or maybe I was drawn here to do that because it was needed for the earth and the same thing happened with California. Either way I was shown the shifting intuitively.

The next day my inner initiation and recalibration finished as the last piece clicked into place. At that time I received information on the general neighborhood I would be living in. I have been recovering ever since.

This move is different than the others I have made during my rather intense spiritual journey over the past 9 years. I felt strongly drawn to every other place to which I have moved. This felt more like a conscious decision and that I could have decided to move elsewhere. I was clear that my desire to move near friends and community was driving me but I had choices.

What this tells me is that I may be free of all the intense grid work I have been doing for our universe, the earth and the human mass consciousness. I feel I will be able to stay in the same general area of California now. YAY!!

This week I have also been getting pieces of information about my possible re-entry into more healing work. This past three years the healing has been for me. During the past year I worked two jobs plus gave a few talks and conducted a few healing sessions here and there. I think that might be changing. But, once again, I am not getting a lot of information about it because it is not time yet and I am being guided to stay present at all times. That is how I stay aligned with my higher self to experience all these fabulous miracles.

Well, you hear all the time about watching your thoughts but it isn’t all the time that you get to see the results immediately.  Friday I went to the doctor’s to get blood drawn for a test I have to have done every three months or so.  I hate having my blood drawn because I have a lot of fear about the results.  It began when I had cancer and although it has lessened over the years, it is still there.

So I mentioned it to the doctor.  I tried to breathe deeply through it and calm myself down.  But mostly I just had to wait it out. It took hours for me to cam down.  I even had a little temper tantrum at having a chronic disease and needing to regiment certain behaviors to manage it.

THEN  I get a call from the doctor’s office telling me the centrifuge broke and I had to come back and get blood drawn AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL!!  Now was that a coincidence or a result of my fear??  Who knows?  But I certainly got the message that I need to be careful of my thoughts and trust in my own spiritual healing and higher self’s guidance.

I don’t fit the ‘norm’ that American magazines would want you to think exists.  I am a large woman with an addiction to using food to numb out.  When my ego gets out of control I eat.  When I dive into fear I eat.  When something is coming up that I can’t put my finger on I eat.  I eat when I am nervous or mad.  When I am about to embark on a new journey in my spiritual evolution, I eat.  You get the picture.  It is a problem for me because I have created/allowed a diagnosis of an ongoing disease to occur that requires stricter control over the type of food I eat.  I have not healed the disease yet.  I also still struggle with self-esteem issues that I blame on being large, in spite of all the spiritual and energy work I have done.  Talk about constant struggle.

I have changed my eating habits over the years and am actually even aware when I am begin to eat unconsciously (and, usually, out of control).  But I often tell myself too bad I want it.

Well, recently I made a different choice.   I chose to identify with the part of me that loves me rather than the ego-in-fear part of me.  I laid down and allowed myself to go into the fear, but more importantly, I acknowledged and embraced the panic that came up because I didn’t allow myself to order a huge meal from a restaurant (smothered in sugar and preservatives and who knows what else) to numb out.

As I lay there, I felt like I was wrestling demons.  This wasn’t the ‘relax, surrender and then feel good’ that I have experienced before.  No this was work.  I reminded myself over and over that I had choice and I chose a healthier me.  I imagined embracing this part of me (the panicked part).  I imagined identifying with the more expanded ‘real’ me.  I reminded myself that I was safe and that I now trust my higher self to take care of me in a gentle easy way (unlike earlier in my life).  I imagined and intended that all aspects of me realign with my higher self and my higher energies. Plus a bunch of other stuff that seemed very important at the time.

Eventually the panic receded and the seemingly uncontrollable craving for lots of food to numb-out went away.  I was exhausted with the whole thing, but so exhilarated.   I am full of hope that this can continue until the entire behavior pattern and health issues that resulted from it can heal.