So have you noticed the aftermath of your processing?  I do a big healing on loving the part of me that could not allow me to experience joy and for days all the ways I have felt bitter or invalidated etc all come up – AGAIN and AGAIN!!!!! LOL!!  Sure hope I let it all go.

Last night somone I know needed a place to crash.  In the course of our conversations my resentment about my own healing/teaching practice not going the way I wanted came up spontaneously.  Then I began to panic about my future.  I thought I was panicking that my future might be as hard as my past.  But a different friend helped me realize that the panic is old and is leaving.  It was in the way of me feeling joy.  I had already forgotten I did the work on recognizing I am the joy I have been searching for.

She also helped me deal with my body’s immediate response of shutting down by breathing.  We just kept breathing in and out, imagining surrender with each breath, until I could feel the breath down through the 1st chakra.  When we began I couldn’t feel it go past my heart.  We didn’t talk, we just breathed.   Alignment with my higher self and surrendering to the flow of life energy is all that is needed at this point in my spiritual evolution.

I also did not realize how much panic energy I carried within me and how afraid I still am (or how much fear is leaving) that my future life on this earth will be like my previous years here and many previous lives.  I intellectually understand the past does not dictate the future but I intuitively know if I am carrying the same energy and fears I will have similar experiences.

So I am grateful for my overnight guest for helping to trigger more healing through conversation.

I process in all different ways.  Sometimes I just notice energy moving.  Sometimes I get pictures of times when the issue was strongest.  Sometimes I can psychically see where energy is stuck or suppressed in my body.  Sometimes, though, I am in great pain as things shift and I don’t necessarily get answers as to what is shifting or what I need to help it be easier.

This happens rarely these days but I just went through a bought of it yesterday (it actually began on Friday but was most intense yesterday).  I was feeling intense discomfort in the back of my neck.  Not quite pain but uncomfortable enough that I just wanted to lay down with my head supported.  I also slept most of the day away.  I just needed to not be too conscious while some shifting occured.  I am grateful it happened on a Sunday when I had nothing else planned.

Now I have read and experienced the truth of pain during shifting means resistance at some level.  But when I am going through it and intending over and over to relax and surrender, I am clearly not allowing it at some level.  Also, today I didn’t feel balanced and clear, like I usually do after a great shift (and only the bigger ones have all this pain or discomfort attached).  I even had a massage and still didn’t feel right.

Luckily I have a friend who helped me finish the processing tonight.  I was able to heal the part of me that would not allow myself to feel joy.  This is a part I began working with consciously 2 years ago, healing layer after layer.  After the work I did tonight I feel excited about my future, I feel clearer and lighter, and I feel more integrated.  I feel joy.

Now I feel as if the processing that began a few days ago and included some intense discomfort and lots of sleeping is finished.  At least at this level.  YAY!!

Enough to take care of my body even when some parts of me are resisting (STRONGLY)? Enough to listen to my intuition even when it seems counter-logical (is that a word?).

Sometimes.

That is the best I can do – sometimes. When I am grounded and expanded I do love myself enough to do all these things. When my inner emotional issues are up – not so much.

I am working on eating better for my energy vibration level and for my physical health. Yet there is a part of me resisting eating lighter (less food AND food with a higher vibration). Unfortunately, it is very strong. It doesn’t matter how much my head/will says I choose differently, this little fiercely resistant part of me demands processed food or too much food or something else that tends to hurt me. It would be an understatement to write I have not healed this.

I recently was intuitively guided to withdraw my money from the stock market. Now I also know the market is going to stop plummeting soon and even out so it didn’t make sense to me to sell my stocks now. However, my guidance was clear and I even received reasons (which I will not go into but involved the broker I have been dealing with and the specific stocks I invested in). I had fear about my money but worked through it rather quickly and followed my intuition. As I wrote here (or I think I did) a month or so ago, I have healed most of my money issues. So this particular intuitive guidance was easier to follow than anything I get around food.

So when the fear comes up, I try to stop and take a step back. I try to identify with a higher aspect of myself rather than the part in fear. Then I allow my awareness to expand. I breathe a lot. Once i am calmer then I actually imagine walking into the fear and breathing my light into it. If appropriate, I get intuitive information explaining where the fear began or pictures of what else is involved. My higher self decides what is needed, not my conscious self.

Unfortunately, I have not been as successful doing this when I am panicking about letting go of food as my addiction of choice. There is something very deep about this for me. A few days ago I put my foot down and decided to stop beating myself up around this. I just had to end the internal stress. I know this is healing or it wouldn’t be up so strongly right now. So I am exploring where I do not yet love myself enough to heal this. Where/When did I buy into the need for self sabotage or self-punishment in this way? I have painstakingly loved myself through healing so many other beliefs and internal agreements that were not serving me. My intention is to do the same with this one.

I just saw the movie The Bucket List. I loved it.  It is about two men who have a list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket (they both have a cancer diagnosis of 6 months to one year to live).  I began thinking of my own list and realized that as I open spiritually and intuitively, loving all the aspects of me that come as time goes on, I don’t really have a very big list of things I wish I had done or still want to do.  It has been a pleasant discovery.

That list is all about fulfillment and joy and I definitely want to feel that way every day of my life.  I thought I would have to plan extravagant events like jumping out of a plane or visiting far away places but I am beginning to feel that contentment in my every day life.  I love traveling and trying new things.  However, from this place of contentment and spiritual awareness there isn’t much I yearn for.  I am excited about what is next but am not regretting what I might have missed (too much anyway!!!!)

To me this is all the same as struggling with status issues – making more money, buying a bigger car etc.  When I am happy with myself, none of that matters (as long as I have a car that works and enough money to live on).

Lovely way to wake up on a Sunday.

Isn’t it interesting how many different fears we can identify within us at varying times of our spiritual evolution?  Recently I discovered I still was carrying the fear of getting cancer again.  It was tied to another health issue that began at the same time I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago.  Then I noticed I had a fear of letting go of that other health issue (and it IS healing).  Then some money fears came up again. I am also feeling fear of letting go of some ways I used to protect myself from being hurt again. I began to fear my future after I move.

Now when I become aware of that many supposedly different fears within a week and a half period I know something else is going on, something on a very deep level.

I believe I am going through an overhaul of some sort, or I could call it a major transition in my evolution.  It is one of those times when I feel as if I am trying to hold on too tight to something that is no longer working for me anyway, and is healing/resolving itself even as I hold on to the illusion that it is still me.  I am adrift in the void yet can still feel my ego’s scrambling for something familiar.

Haven’t we all been through this at various times in our growth?  Where we change and all of a sudden really do not seem to know who we are until it shows itself.  I have to admit this evolution is so deep I am unnerved.  Yet I feel it is exactly what I have been craving and desiring and intending.

Thank God I have the time to allow this fully right now.  Thank God I have friends who are generous with their time (to help and listen ) and their compassion.  And how perfect is it to go through an overhaul before I move to a new place.  I am sure the new environment will assist in other shifts but I am glad to be allowing this now so I can start fresh by the ocean in a month or so.