Little luxuries make life so much more fulfilling.  They help me open my heart, sink into myself, and enjoy the physical plane of existence.  Flowers, a nice candle-holder, a pretty decorative pillow, clean sheets, color coordinated towels, and a plant in full foliage are all luxurious to me.  I am noticing that I could not allow these things, or appreciate them (in the case of the clean sheets), until I was already ready to luxuriate in my physical humanity and the physicality of earth.

Since I have spent most of my life trying to ignore or escape my body and the earthly plane this is quite a lovely surprising shift.  When I did settle for a bit into my body I found myself drowning in negative thoughts about it. only to do my best to leave or ignore it once again.

I thought the more I shifted and expanded my awareness the less I would care about my body and hence spend less time grounded in it or aware of it.  Well, it is true I do not care in the sense that it is not the most important thing to me nor is it all I identify with.  However, my spiritual growth has led to a greater appreciating of this physical manifestation of my energy.  I treasure it like I treasure my heart or my spirit.  I am in love with it just the way it is.   I am grateful for this body.  I allow myself to be grounded in it, embodying as much of my higher self/light being/authentic self (whatever words you wish to use) as I can.

It has survived me.  I have not treated it well on any level: emotionally, physically, spiritually or mentally.  What undeniable proof of my strength and ability to manifest that I have a body that is fairly healthy and beautifully functional.  I also think that this is proof that sometimes the higher self takes care of things even though the mind interferes.  Thank God and ourselves.

Of course, the more grateful I am to my body the easier it is to be grounded in it.  Additionally, the easier it is to appreciate the earth itself.  I like the leaves on the trees, the plants, the mountains, the ocean, the sand, the land etc.  I am not trying to escape it or ignore it so much anymore.

This has resulted in changes in what I consider luxurious.  I need less things around me.  Simple things feel luxurious to me.  More than that I luxuriate in time, in being able to watch the ocean for hours, in enjoying a great meal with a friend, in being able to walk in beautiful areas, and in the sacredness of my every day choices.  What a magnificent feeling this is.  Contentment, Fulfillment, Satisfaction.  WOW!

I was looking at the pictures of me on my computer the other day trying to decide which, if any, I wanted on new business cards, when I was struck by how attractive I am.  Now before anyone starts accusing me of narcissm I have a story and some explanation.

There was a time in my life when I thought I was literally an ugly monster.  I was too fat, too tall, too loud, too aggressive, etc (although what my personality had to do with my looks I have no idea).  Between the energy/beliefs I picked up from my parents, (or brought with me to the earth and magnified by them), my school mates, and the American marketing world in general, I never had a positive thought about my physical looks AND at the same time was absolutely convinced that much of life’s happiness was tied to being pretty – the way others defined it.  I would put myself down before anyone else did (and they did).  I saw regular evidence of the pretty people getting special treatment all the time, which just reinforced my inner limiting beliefs.

I had many discussions where women would say I had a pretty face or that I was attractive. No man ever said that to me until recently (I am 49 – a long time without allowing any confirmation of my own beauty).  As I evolved, I began to understand intellectually that one is attracted to someone else due to karma and inner energy.  However, that underlying belief that I was ugly and fat therefore could not have  ________ (you fill in the blank) prevailed. 

I barely attempted to address these inner beliefs directly as I shifted energetically and spiritually over the years.  Mostly I just kept clearing, healing and integrating, focusing on what I deemed to be more pressing issues.   As the self-worth issues cleared up all sorts of the ways I think about myself changed.

About a year and a half ago I had an interesting experience that showed me how much I had changed.  I met a man who found me attractive exactly as I am.  I didn’t lose weight to attract him.  I didn’t wear make up.  I didn’t dress a certain way.  I didn’t pretend to be something I am not.   His whole face lit up when he saw me.  Every time we got together. Every Time.  He was a temporary blessing in my life to help me do some specific shifting and to recognize how much I had already shifted.

You see, he wasn’t what one would normally call physically attractive either and I didn’t care.  I was completely attracted to his energy, his personality, and his enthusiasm for life. It didn’t hurt that I could see aspects of his higher self laughing in glee when we were together.  He is the first man I have ever attracted into my life as a friend or lover who accepted me as I am.  Since I truly believe we attract what we put out – I was thrilled.   I also learned what it is/was like to really be attracted to someone’s energy regardless of what he/she looks like, not just intellectually understand it. 

After that I was ready to go deeper to integrate the parts of me that love me as I am, that believe I deserve happiness in whatever form works, that know I can create a life of joy and love from self-acceptance and feelings of worthiness.  After almost 7 months of that shift, when I look at my picture I see a very pretty woman that I am attracted to.  I have a passing thought of wondering why wouldn’t anyone find me pretty and attractive.  However, it is only a passing thought, not a deeply emotionally charged feeling.

Most of all – I noticed that what once seemed to be a very large barrier to enjoying the world has become almost a non- issue.  I healed the need to be affirmed or confirmed through my looks by anyone – male or female.  I am also healing the need to be loved/wanted by a man.  I healed the need to be validated as belonging because I looked a certain way.  Another serendipitous result is that I am able to do what I need to in order to maintain my body’s health without a lot of resentment or anger that I used to have.

Once again I have been given proof that in order to heal most limitations/beliefs/issues I only have to focus on loving myself and accepting myself.  The rest sort of falls into place and I have been kind enough to myself to eventually recognize when it does.

Just to give you all some perspective – my picture from 2 years ago is on my website (www.down2earthspirit.com).  I am 5’9” tall, weigh between 190 and 195lbs and am a size 18 (sometimes 20).  I am 49 and, because I let go of  about 50lbs, my skin is not tight.  I have a huge vertical scar on my torso where I had surgery because of cancer.   I look middle aged.  Still – I feel lighter, prettier, more present than I have every felt in my life, certainly tons more than I did when I was in my 20’s.  

Irritated today.  What is up?  Where is the meaning in this daily existence?  How do I find the meaning/sacredness when I am tired and out of sorts, when my blood sugar is too high and I am just weary of dealing with my body’s out of balances, my fear of the long term effects on my health and my emotions’ cravings for the very food and behaviors that create this imbalance?  I feel torn by this conflict.  I am tired.  I do not know how to believe/know innner peace right now.  I can meditate and pray until I am blue in the face (just an expression although it would be funny to see).  I can imagine expanding my awareness and re-identify with my true (“high”) self.  Eventually I slide right back into the conflict.  ARGH!!!!

Integration takes too long. When it is fast it hurts.  When it is slow it hurts in a different way.  I am not in charge. Surrendering includes surrendering to the pain.  It IS a painful way to live.  It is as if I am straddling two worlds.

Is this the way I keep myself limited, the way I do not let go of what is old because I am afraid to swim totally in uncharted waters?  So much of me  already basks in these waters,  but perhaps it is only because some part of me is still hanging on to some old muddy energy that feels familiar, although certainly not comfortable any longer.

Frustrated.

All I can do right now is ask and allow kindness for the conflict, for the part still hanging on to the old and for the aspect of me irritated that all of this is going on.  I can remember I love myself even if I am not totally feeling it right now.  I pray for help from all the healing, compassionate, loving, and comforting aspects of myself and God.

A new realization came to me today about believing in good things or that I can manifest what I truly want.  In the past even when that happened I denied that it was happening.  I couldn’t accept it and actively looked for ways to sabotage or deny or denigrate what was happening.

This time I am accepting and seeing it for what it is.  Another reason the shift is so profound for me at this time.

  I wrote this as part of an article I sent to my yahoo group today (Jan 20th) about a group I went to and my reaction -

 

“ This is the community of like-minded people I have been craving for years and years. It has been a deeply desired, almost core, need of mine.  And here it is.

 

So why am I shaking? The shaking is a great indication of deep and lasting change within me.  The feeling is occurring as I let go of so much old energy that the remaining energy feels vulnerable, a little bit empty and so unfamiliar I don’t have labels for it. The non-label thing is terrifying and freeing at the same time.

 

I am moving further into who I truly am – an integrated God-being. Old bits and pieces (limitations and stuck energies) are flying off of me. I can see/feel my vibration raising and my imagination soaring as the limits fall away.   As that old popular book title goes – I am feeling the fear and doing (allowing) it anyway. And you know what?  It is kind of glorious and amazing and frightening to be so present and aware while all this is occurring.

 

For the second time in 3 weeks (just since I moved to Encinitas), I know I am home.  I am home in this town; I am home in this group with these women; I am home in this body; I am home in me.  I am grateful.”

 

It is hours later and I am still shaking.  I never expected to actually feel at home someplace.  I have been traveling around so much I thought that is what it would be like the rest of my life.  Even though my intuition kept showing me it would be different here in Encinitas, I didn’t beleive.  I have been shown events/things before and they have not come true – esp if I really wanted them to occur.  But I am definitely being shown that this time it is different.

I am also being given time to change before I plunge into work.  I am letting go of the post traumatic stress stuff from all the traveling around, all the work done on behalf of the earth, all the disappointments, all the trauma/drama in balancing everything else with my ego and remembering who I am.  It is happening pretty fast now – of course I have been leading up to this for years.  

So the shakiness is to be expected.  It is so much more than fear.  It is terror but it is also acceptance, love and embracing of what is on such a deep level that it is creating ripples of shock within.  I am overwhelmed, a little shell shocked and so open.  Plus revved up so much I cannot sleep!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!

Sacred living – living in the every day physical world consciously aware I am god in a human body. My commitment to it is complete.

So here’s the thing – in the conceptual that sounds  wonderful, and exciting.  In the practical – not so much. It is great as I am discovering how alive I can feel in that place and how easy the flow of life can be when I am in an allowing place.  however,  I am not evolved enough to be able to let go easily.  I feel hurt when I need to let go of a person because their energy isn’t right for me to be around. I am upset when something I want badly (good health, a mate, friends, abundance) does not manifest at all or in the way that I can appreciate.  Yes, I learn to accept but it is not all that easy.  I feel hurt a lot.  I feel raw and vulnerable a lot.  Some would say (those in my life that have been less than kind) that it is because my ego is so stubborn that I have to go through all of this.  Regardless, I keep plugging along. 

I do not know why.  I seem driven.  I seem so committed to the path of opening to know myself as god in a human body, over anything else I have ever been committed to in my life.  Is that ego too?  Is it my way of trying to control something?  Is it my way of creating something that I can cling to when so much changes and I am actually so lost I do not know what to do?  Or is this the best way for me to live my life?  In the long run is it the most rewarding?  And how will I ever really know?  For all I know this could just be another illusion I am in the middle of.  Just because others may agree with me doesn’t make it right either.  Many do not – are they right?

All I can do right now is use my own internal guidance system to follow what is right for me.  My internal guidance system has sure changed over the years with all of my own processing.  It used to be a particular feeling/emotion, which included an expansion of my heart energy.  As I have opened more, evolved, it is more subtle yet more profound.  Instead of info coming to me, I am it.  There is less emotion attached to my discernment because I am more balanced.  Subtle or not, any internal confusion or conflict is a good indication that something isn’t quite appropriate with whatever I am contemplating.  I have found that no matter how many other people I ask for advice, I still rely on my own discernment to make decisions.  Sometimes that discernment is clouded by my own emotional issues or heretofore undiscovered beliefs, but it is all I have.  And I trust it.  Most of the time <smile>

I am committed to following my intuitive guidance at all times.  I have been practicing trusting that I am being taken care of so that each time worry comes up, I can allow it to heal naturally and easily.

What I am finding is that my heart remains open living like this.  I am led to all sorts of places and to do all sorts of things that do not necessarily makes sense in my mind, but work beautifully.

Yesterday I went to a new doctor.  It was not a good match but he gave me the prescriptions I need to allow me the time to be led to a doctor that is a better match.  Also I had pulled an ad out of the paper for alkaline water.  An herb place offers 2 free gallons of the stuff if you come to listen to a lecture or discussion or something.  Even though there were testimonies listed about how the water had helped people, I knew it wouldn’t do much for me. Yet I could not throw the ad away.  So yesterday after I went to the doctor, I went to the herb store.  Even when I walked in I had no idea why I was there.  I could feel it wasn’t the place for me to get the nutritional support I want.  I opened my mouth to say hello and found myself asking for a referral to a naturopath.  The guy in the store knew of someone who has just moved to the area (at the same time I did).  I connected with her and like her.  

See how things evolve?

I love going through my day with this lovely bit of gratitude/love always present.  My heart is open and all sorts of encounters feel great. It is a different sensation than I am used to and I like it.

Today was 85 degrees here.  What a lovely gift.  As I woke up still processing some anger left over from the all the healing of some inner children I did yesterday, I needed some larger help. So I went to the beach.

AND FINALLY!!  I connected with the ocean goddess  - or the energy of the ocean (however you wish to perceive it). Now I feel I am getting settled here.

The beautiful energy helped me release a LOT of anger and resistance I had been carrying (see Jan 9 blog). I felt the draining from my muscles all over my body.  I had to drag my very tired self home and rest afterwards.  But I feel clean and clear for the first time since I arrived here in Encinitas.

I also got a message about slowing down and trusting that I am being guided here.   I had felt I wasn’t doing enough or that I was too shut down to ‘hear’ my guidance.  But it turns out all is well and the timing is just fine.  I was led to a local metaphysical store where I might be able to sell some of my fabric art and hold some classes/meditations.  The message I received today said it was just the beginning.  It resonated so true within me that I moved into trust even further.

I am so relieved.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling depressed.  Some old feelings from childhood were triggered within me because of a visit to a relative the day before. 

With a friend’s help I was able to go within and imagine holding and loving all the inner children that were sad and needing attention within.   These inner children were created created through drama/trauma, anger, depression, sadness, abuse etc.

Now I have done this before but apparently opened to a new level of clearing.  In my vision, I picked up a very little baby who was crying.  I was given the knowledge that this baby had been crying for many lifetimes.  Then, other young children began showing up. They were various ages.  Soon there were many.  I called upon other aspects of me to help them all feel acknowledged and loved. 

Eventually they all integrated and I was left standing looking at my inner landscape.  I was sad because it looked barren.  Then what looked like an angel was standing next to me.  I believe it was a higher aspect of myself but in the vision it looked like an angel and she felt very wise.

I told her I was sad and why.  She smiled a very gentle, loving smile and said that was because I was looking at it with the wrong eyes.  She pointed out the barriers in my eyes.  They became like contacts and I was able to take them out.  Then everything looked fuzzy – colors blending together.  As I watched my innerscape changed to a beautiful looking energy rather than a barren landscape.    And I knew it was me.  My body felt like it was suffused with light and I felt so expanded.

Well I have been here over a week now and am so far into fear I cannot even feel my connection to my own self.

I moved into fear and out of it and in and out over the past month about this move.  This move to CA and the move into my true-er self, into a life of joy and ease.  My muscles are tight from the fear and my place of addiction – food – is out of control. I know it is from the fear yet I have not been able to relax and love myself enough to surrender.

I don’t like how I feel when I am in this state.  I feel disconnected, I feel  impatient.  I do not seem to feel my guidance. I worry I am making inappropriate choices that will later cause me harm.  In this instance I allowed someone to stay with me for 4 days who is an energy vampire – just to distract myself from the fear and moving further into a different energy state than I am used to.

There is still a lot of internal shifting going on within me – shifting I would call progress.  But it is slogging through some resistance/fear.  I often get help from my human friends when I am in this state.  Usually one of them says the right thing or helps with some energy shifting.  But this time, I am needing to do it from within. My friends are also going through a lot and are unable to help, plus I am moving (as is EVERYONE) into the energetic space of needing to trust my self completely.

I am reading a lot of channelings in the hopes of raising my vibration enough to feel better.  I am doing a detox because I feel so congested from eating all the processed (ok, but yummy tasting) food.  The truth is I am probably congested energetically too!!  I am praying for help and that I am allowing it when it is there!!    Actually for all I know it is all moving but it just feels bad right now while it moves through.

UGH!!