Wednesday the doubts came creeping back.  Not with as much emotional charge as they had before, but obviously there nonetheless.

Well I slept all day Monday and a lot of the day Tuesday.  But Wednesday I felt better and had too much time on my hands.  So Yesterday I visited several art galleries and museums, then some shops with hand made crafts.  And my cup runneth over with inspiration and happiness.

Art does it for me.  I feel filled up – whether I am making art or I am viewing art.  It has to be original and not photography.  I was so satisfied yesterday at the end of the day and today I am calm again. Today I am going to the biggest fabric store in San Diego (my art involves fabric).

I know this is a week of recovery and integration.  I just lost site of it on Wednesday.  

Last night I was aware of  a place of energy congestion within me.  I began to intend that it shift and that all sorts of healing energy go to it and I stopped.  In the higher vibrations I need only relax and allow, I do not have to force anything.  I asked myself if it would heal/realign (something felt out of alignment) and I received a yes answer.  Today it is less obvious and is shifting. 

Isn’t this cool?  No more striving.  My job is to remember surrendering, to let go when I get tight. When I find myself getting even the slightest bit angry, I imagine surrendering.  My body relaxes and the emotions relax.  Then my energy lightens once again.  I like this!!!

These past few weeks have been hard on me. I was going through another expansion/evolutionary growth phase. I made it through the wall last Friday, left my body for two days from sheer fear and now am in ‘recovery’.

I don’t know how people who have full time jobs and families do this. I know that they do not necessarily go through everything I go through, but I know that this ascension process IS tough on everyone.

I do not have a precise definition of what I was doing yet. I imagine more clarity will come as integration progresses. Just completed another rung on the spiritual growth evolutionary ladder, with some pretty amazing channeled information. ( A side note – I tried to publish this and it went to draft.  In the meantime, Karen Bishop came out with a new WINGS describing this latest expansion beautifully and accurately – for me anyway).

But as far as I can tell all the pain was left over gunk (yes, the official term) I was releasing in order to embrace more of my soul/higher self in my physical body. Isn’t that what we all are doing? Isn’t that pretty much the definition of ascension?

Well this particular phase for me was very hard and took a long time. Or maybe I say/write that with every phase? Hard to remember.

What I do know is that I have been affirming that I wish to walk on earth in a human body KNOWING (not just understanding but knowing with every fiber of my being and having the senses that confirm it) that I am God in a human body. It appears this is the shift that is doing it. YAHOO!! I do not know yet how it will play out and what it will mean as far as my choices/actions in the future – I am still in the recovery phase.

What I do know is that I am reacting differently to old triggers. I am not getting angry, I am WAAAY more patient (a miracle right there), and I am calmer about most things. I am also aware that half made plans that seemed to be based on previous intuitive guidance are gone. My future is blank right now. I have been receiving plenty of reassurances from my higher self about having clarity soon, attracting financial support, etc. But no info on how it will be. AND IT IS OK!!! I am trusting. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing that is (you will just have to imagine).

I also know that when I assist others in their healing I interfere less. I am more accepting of how it goes. I no longer feel the need to make anything happen or to urge it to be more intense to make sure my clients know that something did indeed happen. Paradoxically, when they work with me their own shifting is deeper, stronger, more loving and smoother.

My intuition is also different and my awareness of my physical surroundings is very different. I am easily aware of the connectedness of each and every physical thing, emotions, and energy in general. I do not have to flick an imaginary switch and ‘turn on’ my intuition to see the vastness of All That Is. No special feeling comes with my intuitive guidance because I AM the intuition I once opened up to. Again, there will be better words describing what is happening and what happened as time goes on.

The two days of being out of my body occurred after a week of not sleeping well. The day after I came back into my body, I slept most of the day and all night. I have been tired each day since (now two days), but getting less so.

So now I am just being each day, remembering to surrender to my trust in the divine rightness of myself.

Oh so hard not to do.  I have moved energetically into a space of allowing and co-manifesting.  The days of pushing to get something done are over – right?  NOT!!

It ‘s a sneaky part of me.  I think I am going with the flow, things pop out of my mouth that seem like they might be intuitively led.  Yet my impatience, worry and fear then combine to support me in getting something done – anything – just do something,

I was talking to someone a week ago and mentioned I would be facilitating healing groups of some sort soon at a particular place.  I called up the place and made an appointment to talk to the owners to discuss terms.  The next day it started coming to me how my energy doesn’t really match the place I talked to and perhaps how my even needing to coordinate all of this was pushing.

My worry over not having enough income yet here in Encinitas has triggered my ego’s need to make me feel better by ‘fixing’ it.  Meaning create something that will bring some income in.  Plus the person I was talking to a week ago was mentioning possible seminars she wanted to do and I think my ego felt the need to chime in.

Lately, I have had so much proof in so many areas of my life that going with the flow or letting events and circumstances unfold naturally without pushing or striving is sOOOOOoooo much easier and more satisfying.  I know, however, I am not quite fully accepting it.  Isn’t it funny how we talk and read about how easy manifesting is in the higher energy vibrations?  Do you ever read about how it will affect you emotionally?  Or is it just me who experiences energy shifts then has to catch up emotionally and mentally?  I supposed that I wouldn’t be experiencing the energy shifts if I hadn’t already accomplished a lot of healing in my emotional and mental selves.  But during transition, which is where I am, nothing is as smooth as it could be (at least for me).  I give myself the opportunities to clear/heal even deeper as I go along.

So I haven’t canceled my appointment with the owners of this great place for groups yet.  I am waiting for additional calmness around money and trust that I all is well in my finances as it has become in so many other areas of my life.

I am.  Small words, big meanings.  I am all.  I can feel universes within.  I can feel the relative denseness of the earth in that.  I can feel the dirt.  I see the slugs, can’t really feel them.  But I can feel the endless, timelessness of the rocks and how they, too, are the universes (some use the word omniverse or multiverses, I just want to be simple).  Within this understanding all is possible, even healing of the body, even acceptance of unconditional love, even healing/letting go of worry and need to be special.  I invite each part of my body to know it is the universes too.  To turn from the smaller energies and larger limitations picked up from many realities and lifetimes and beliefs and agreements.  The veils I crossed as I embodied are beautiful sheer fabrics, easily torn and cast off.  I appreciate them and I let them go wherever they need or want to.  I stand in my connection to All, naked, gloriously naked.

I do not know in this moment how to balance this understanding, awareness, with the every day life of being human.  I do not know how to contract back into the body to continue this existence.  I do not know.

My vision shifts from expansive energies, dancing in the colors of the cosmos to the denser physicality of flowers, land, people and buildings.  I have judged one as better than the other. There is no comparison.  All are gorgeous in their own right.  Density annoys me.  Yet it too has its purpose and beauty.  I can appreciate the denseness and the underlying connection to all.  As I settle into myself, I slow.  My vision expands.  My appreciation of energies at various frequencies grows.

I want to enjoy my physical existence more.  How can I with this glorious freedom also around me?  My mind goes out, my body calls me back.  I sometimes feel trapped.  And yet, there are miracles in this body and of this body too.  I want to wallow in those more.

It seems every time I make a huge shift inside I am made more aware of something about myself that is untrue, a way I have been describing me that doesn’t really fit. So I sat down to write out everything I could think of that is either a paradox or a discovery.

Paradoxes about the spiritual growth world:

Stay still to move faster

Welcome fears to dissolve them

Accept challenges as opportunities for growth

People who drive you nuts are helping you the most and should be appreciated.

Discoveries I have made about me in the past 9 years of intense spiritual evolution:

I thought I was an overstressed type A finding out I am fairly relaxed and laid back (but high energy).

Thought I was aggressive  but I am really gentle.

Thought I was weak – I am strong.

Thought I was extremely masculine – I am a nice functional blend of masculine and feminine.

Thought I always needed to be the one in charge found out I am really quite ok not to be.

Thought I hated to make my body move- loving it under the right circumstances.

Thought I was not an outdoor person and I can’t get enough of being outdoors now.

Thought I needed a lot of friends around to be happy but I am content with just a couple.

Thought I was an in depth person – finding out I am ok wading in the shallow end sometimes.

Thought my intelligence or money were the only reasons people wanted to be around me, finding out my level of openness and warmth attracts companions, community and friends.

Thought I had to be thin before I would appreciate my body and I am finding myself loving my body now.

Thought I had to be thinner to attract men, now I know that is not true.

Thought I needed the ego fix of being a seminar leader in order to be happy doing my work – finding out I just need what I do to be meaningful and that living large does not necessarily mean living publicly.

Thought getting what I want (friends locally, community, showing my art work) would make me happy and fulfilled, it doesn’t make any difference actually.  It is the act of finding my own fulfillment that allows what I want to come.

How do you know when it actually is only mind chatter or when it is time to do something differently or make a choice?

I took some action today.  I made some calls and did some work on taxes and other paperwork.  I began thinking about where to put ads for my services and made a choice to develop some groups.  There is inner peace.

Now was the clamor I have been feeling because some part of me has been trying to guide me (or, in my case, push) to take some action?  Or is my mind calmer because I just took some action and any action would have done?  HOW DO I KNOW??

Maybe the real question is does it matter?  I am not sure.

Although, it needs to be said that nothing has been done more than the necessary paperwork required by law (tax stuff).  All the ideas about my business is just thoughts at the moment.

I do know I do not want to push; I want to be guided.  I want to be in alignment. I want to take inspired action.

I guess all I have to fall back on is my feelings.  How does this feel?  It feels peaceful.  Feels like I have something to do in the middle of all the being, something more practical.  As I become the intuition I once sought and my awareness expands I don’t always get the guidance in the form of pictures or words, it often just comes in the form of peaceful aftermath. 

This might be one of those times.

(this was actually written on 2/1 but for some reason got lost in cyber space instead of publishing.

Ok ever since I began this intense spiritual journey in earnest (when I quit my full time job and focused solely on spiritual healing/growth) I have wanted just a few things in my every day life – to make money from my art and from assisting others in their spiritual growth, a mate, to be healthy (it began as releasing some weight and changed), friends in the same geographic area, and community.  I have been in Encinitas for slightly over a month and already I have found my community, I have two friends in the immediate vicinity and another only an hour and a half away (and I can tell I am going to make more), I have a venue to show my fabric art, a local store is selling some of my jewelry and I have sold other pieces to individuals, and my spiritual healing practice has picked up some.  To me that is clear proof much has changed and I am being supported beautifully and even in a way I wanted.  Seems like miracles all the time right now.

So why aren’t I happy?  Why haven’t I accepted the wonderful turn of events, loving myself for changing enough to allow/create this, communing with the world/universe for supporting me in it, grateful for every bit of it?  Well last week I was.  In the past few days, not so much.

Was I so attached to what I wanted that I forgot to desire the feeling and not the specifics?  In other words, did I get too attached to the form forgetting what was really important – the sense of belonging, support in the physical world from humans, inner peace, the feeling of being loved?  And why aren’t I feeling that way anyway?  The community is fun and very spiritually based and my friends and I adore each other (most of the time).  I love the beach.  What is going on?

It turns out two different streams of change are going on.

 1. I am reminding myself that whatever goes on outside of me ALWAYS reflects how I feel inside.  So if I am not loving myself on the inside, if I feel invisible or an outsider on the inside, that is the way I will feel EVEN IF I GET WHAT I THINK I WANT in the physical world.  UGH!!  I know I know this is so basic but I forget a LOT.

2. Also, the internal parts of me that still cannot relax and trust and accept are doing their best to distract me from how wonderful life is right now.  These parts are successfully assisting me in tapping into others’ anger and dissatisfaction.  Then I have to re-recognize what is mine and what is not, doing my best to allow healing/integration of what is mine.

Grumble, grumble.  More to love up.

Oh my god – maybe I should be following up faster with this?  Should I call this person?  Should I call that person?  Should I go tomorrow and do this?  Do that?  Did I miss something?  Did I do something wrong?  Did I not do something I was supposed to?  Am I behind?  Did I screw up the timing?  How am I supposed to know?  Maybe I shouldn’t have done this? Is there more I could be doing?  Why isn’t it moving faster?  Why isn’t it the way I want it to be?  What if I missed my opportunity?  What if I said the wrong thing?  Did I get in my own way?  Did someone else get in my way?  Should I let go of this or that?  What should I be doing?  Did I miss my guidance?  Am I not paying attention?

Blessed remembering.

Out of desperation, sinking into myself and my heart.  Expanding the tightness.  Loving the worry and anxiety. 

Then the words come:  It is all ok.  Even if I ‘missed’ something, it is all ok.  More opportunities will come.  I am supported.  Gather up the shoulds, let the fairies have them.  They will be taken care of.   Time matters not. It is all now.  In the now it is all taken care of.  I will know when to act, how to act, to co-create this life I am wanting.  I  will not shut down now.  Let the realignments happen easily.  A lot happened fast when I first arrived here to support me in the shifting that has been happening (accepting good things in life).  More is being arranged.  Potential is all there.  Be open to it.  I AM open to it ALL!!!