Self Doubt is an insidious thing.  It keeps me awake at night.  I use it to tarry a while in fear as I am progressing in my awakening and ascension process.

Another friend left my life yesterday and a second one appears to be fading out. I knew both of these relationships would change after all the shifting I have done in the past two months, but I find myself wondering if I could have handled them better. 

The truth is when it is done, it is done.  Sometimes I try to make it ok so the relationship will limp along.  I work on myself and work on where I might be triggered by the other person.  I try to protect myself and see their higher aspects rather than react to their personalities.  However, when the energy resonance is so discordant that the connection on the earth plane needs to end, something always happens to help that along.  It seems to me I do something, say something, or act in some way that pushes the other person to end it.  In the past I have been abrupt and just said it needs to be over.  I stopped that last year because it was so harsh to me, and that is when the experience of the other person ending it began. 

Sometimes they blame something I have done or said, and sometimes they just stop responding to my calls or emails. No matter how it happens I find myself reviewing over and over how I acted and what I said looking for what I have done wrong.  Each and every time it eventually becomes clear that it was time to let go but I wasn’t emotionally ready to let go.  In the latest case I actually began the letting go process energetically but was hoping to transition into a casual friendship (where we get together once in awhile just to do something together).  However, I found that our energies grated rather than harmonized so that really wasn’t possible.  I was just beginning to have thoughts of wondering why I was continuing to be in contact with this person over the past week when she ended it.  Good for her for responding to the energy shift.

I find it interesting that after 16 or so years of conscious processing I still have doubts and concerns when these transitions happen.  People come and go regularly in my life (in all our lives).  I believe my fear of being alone is so great that although I whittle it down with each shift, I am still reacting from it when close friends transition out of my life.  I am also just realizing that somewhere inside of me there is a belief that if friends leave I have failed, that somehow friends are supposed to be friends forever.  Good to know that belief is changing.   I am also grateful that when this woman wrote me to tell me she wanted a ‘time out’ from our friendship (yes she emailed instead of discussing any of it with me) my immediate reaction was to notice how right it felt.

Well, I have been saying I want to see the results of all these internal shifts in my every day life.  I was referring to the possible attraction of wonderful abundance and prosperity. However, the easy release of anything representing the old energies is definitely a result!!!!

Who am I?  I realize I just don’t know.  Or at least I don’t have the deep, wise knowing I think I should.

I know I am an aspect of god.  I know I am intellectual.  I know I have been overeducated.  I know I have made the arduous journey from stilted intellectual to integrated full-feeling individual.  I have released tons of anger.  I have been very sick and healed.  I have moved all around the country following my intuition.  I have met and made all kinds of friends and let them go. I have helped the earth birth into its new vibration.  I have spent a lot of time helping set up cosmic schools, repairing time-space rifts, activating earth crystals, lightening up negative energies, and whatever else my higher self guided me to do to help.  I have worked to set up and continue my business and I have worked for others when it didn’t grow. I have had a vision of what I might be doing on earth.

Now I am reassessing and I find I have no idea what to do for money or what I believe or really want.  I spend many hours in the day taking care of my physical body (this is fairly new).  I meditate.  Then I spend an hour on the computer and the rest of the day I wonder!!

It is true that I spend a lot of time staying in the present moment.  It is a lovely place to be.

I have one friend who is a monk who spends a lot of time in an altered state, pretty much out of her body.  I have another friend who is the opposite – so grounded it would take dynamite to get lift off.  I love how they balance me out.  The truth is that I would prefer to be flying around the cosmos every day to dealing with physical life on earth.  It is probably my biggest lesson in this body in this life.

But my point is that each of them is clear about who they are. I still feel like I am bouncing from thing to thing searching for me. 

Wow the energies have been very intense on the earth this week.  Lots of anger and chaos moving up and out.  It is particularly hard for me since I feel it all when the earth and the human mass consciousness are shifting like that.

For two days I was angry and just feeling horrible in my body.   As soon as I would get clear of one bout of anger, another would come along.  I had intense aches and pains that didn’t feel physical although I could definitely sense them.

Then a conversation with a friend reminded me of the shifts on earth and using the violet flame to uplift the energy.  So I intended that the threefold violet flame of transformation flow through me, transforming all energies to a higher frequency.  It wasn’t until I intended that for all the shifting energies on and of earth, especially the ones I resonated with, that everything began to get easier.  It was quite a relief.

You can find out about this three fold violet flame by looking it up on the internet.  It is a transformational vibration commonly associated with St Germain, although I believe Ronna Herman has written of it in some of the AA Micheal channelings (I could be remembering that wrong though).  I am not sure the point for me was the color/frequency I used for transformation.  It might just have been to remember (AGAIN) that I was being called to intend transformation for certain segments of the massive energy being shifted on earth.

No matter, it worked.   YAY!!

Sunday I received a warm rush of reassurance and lovely info about upcoming possibilities in my life.  And although it took another day to just relax, that is what I am doing.

I am enjoying the blue ocean and a whole day with no appointments.

I am feeling integrated and calm, trusting in my future here on earth.

What a nice place to be.

Yesterday I was conversing with a friend who told me that Michael Beckwith (with the Agape Church in LA) says to ask one’s self each day “How does my Soul want to express itself through me?”  There are followup questions, but  I forget what they are!!

Yesterday when I asked myself I clearly received the answer ‘by making art”. My art is always a meditation for me.  I tend to express my emotions through color and form.  Lately it is happening through fabric and fiber wall art pieces (I have drawn, painted and made jewelry also).  But my intuition has been guiding me to add more of my spiritually into my art – to express my spiritual concepts/issues through it.  And three pieces have popped into my head – ready to be put to fabric. I have also been guided to finish the other projects up so I am only working on the new. I woke up excited to begin the new projects.

Today my answer to that question was less precise.  I felt reconnected/filled up with sacred spiritual energy after I asked.  I immediately was aware that my spirit wants to express itself through me ALL THE TIME with this wonderful sacred joyful energy.  It doesn’t matter what I do – go to the library to check email, walk, go out to eat, take my sewing machine in to be serviced, talk to friends on the phone!!!  It doesn’t matter.  Just be this fabulously loving energy no matter what.

In the library, for a moment, I found myself getting irritated at several people who were disrespectful of the rest of us through their loud talking (some on the phone even).  As soon as I remembered what my spirit wanted, I relaxed.  I beamed out love and sacredness.  Some quieted down, some did not.  It didn’t matter. I was immediately okay with whatever they did.

YAHOO!!!

I am completing the recovery from an intense expansion/shift into a higher dimension.  I am at the point where I feel better.  I have regained almost all of my energy back.  I seem to be well along in my integration and recovery from all the releasing of energy that doesn’t match this new level of being in my human body.  I am getting used to my differing reactions to people and art projects and ideas. (You know each time you expand your reaction to lower vibration energies changes!!)

So what is next?  

Well the truth is it is not time to worry about what is next.  Actually I am not sure it is ever time to worry about what is next.  Being NOW takes care of that.

However, I am restless, maybe even bored?  

OR maybe I am still searching for the very thing – art project, book, movie, friend, activity, food – that will engage me wholly so I can be in that space of just enjoying and not thinking.  Usually I can find something to sink into while I wait for my life to unfold to show me the next whatever I should be doing.

Not now.  Being in NOW is all that engages me and even then I am not sure what to do with myself because I have so much energy when I an in NOW.  Today the urge to write is upon me.  I have had to force myself to write for about a month now.  I have progressed sufficiently along this particular phase of expansion that I can now write about it more.  See my yahoo group article “Magic and Miracles” to be published later today or tomorrow.

Overall I feel restless though.  I feel ready for whatever is next, not sure what it is, perhaps not quite done with all the ‘healing’ of this phase of my shifting to the next higher dimension but done enough to be a little bored.  Maybe what is really going on is my uncertainty and concern (in other words, fear) of what is next, rather than impatience to get on with it.  (smile)  

What is nice is that I don’t feel extremely pushed or dramatic about it.  Just very aware that I am in between.

The practicalities of spiritual evolution continue to surprise me.  They follow a pattern so I am not sure why but they do.  Any time I have a big shift to another level of vibration (or to a higher dimension while in my human body) there is a recovery phase and an in between phase.  In this case the in between phase has been the gentlest I have ever experienced in this life – YAYAYAY!!  That alone shows how much I have changed.  So some of the same thoughts are there but the emotional charge is not as great.

I do love the feel of connection to source at all times.  I love that I am kind of in meditation no matter what I do – everything feels sacred.  I appreciate being on earth in this human body more because of it.  I am just not used to feeling this light and full of energy yet.  And my old thoughts are that I need to DO something with it.  I am learning to BE with all the energy no matter what I am doing.  

Still, wonder what is next!!??  LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

OOOOOOH!!  I love this feeling.  I am totally present.  There are thoughts wondering what I am going to do to earn some money, how I am going to fucntion in the phsyical world.  But they are just thoughts that are passing through.

For the past few days the energy within me has been lightening up again.  I guess whatever was releasing moved out more.  YAY!!

It is a strange thing to wait.  I am not good at it.  Or I didn’t used to be.  I promised myself on Thursday I would wait til the weekend is over.  That I would distract myself, be patient etc, for whatever is next.  Perhaps it was so I could co-create it from this energy of being present?

I am not sure.

I have been asking myself what I want to do today.  I just finished a talk and a few healing sessions at a local metaphysical store.  It was fun.  I got to help people – my favorite thing to do.  Now I am writing this blog.  I notice from this very present space I have no “need’ to do anything. Each thing i think about in my head elicits no response, including various scenerios/possibilities for dinner.  I think I do not know how to handle myself in this place.  Just goes to show how little time I spend in it!! LOL!!

Inner peace, completely in the now is what I have been saying I want.  IF this is it, it will take some getting used to!!  I imagine it will be like anything else.  I will go in and out of it for awhile til I stay in it.  Hope this means I am allowing on all levels!  We will see.

Hey there.  Well after an intense month and a half I finally had enough of a breakthrough yesterday that I might actually be coming out of the latest stalled spot.  Perhaps my life in the physical world can get moving again.

But I am here today to discuss my disappointment.  I am dissapointed in my attachment to the epectation that all of this processing would allow me to be in the flow and allow abundance. 

Now it is possible that it may happen.  But that isn’t what the spiritual evolution is all about.  I have been using this attachment as my litmus test as to whether the pain of processing is ‘worth ‘ it.  No money, no obvious support from friends, stalled on the art projects, no growth in my business – not worth it.  Never mind that I am calmer than ever or that a VERY old issue with older women like my mom is practically healed or that I do not get triggered by my brother or sisters anymore.  Never mind that I have embraced the part of me so hurt that it couldn’t even talk to me about it AND the parts that were taunting it.  Never mind that I have moved into my intuition so much I don’t need anything to ‘download’ into my brain  (no pictures, no audio etc) to know anything.

 Each one of those things are minor (and in some cases, major) miracles.  Yet, I get discouraged because I still have no idea what I am going to do to make enough money to live on here in Encinitas.  Now, mind you, I keep ‘hearing’ reassurances that all will be well and money will flow better around April. So not only do I get a lot of energy/emotional miracles I get specific reassurance. 

 Hard to beleive/trust.  Doing my best but not there yet.  Or the old negative programming in the brain/ego is holding on tight – fighting tooth and nail each time it is offered the chance to change or let go.

 And then there is the expectation that this would stop or get MUCH easier.  This being all the processing/changing.  Maybe it will.  But it hasn’t yet.

 All ok – just interesting to note and more ways to learn to love myself.