So the panic is MUCH less today. I felt myself shift it last night.  YAY!!

A psychic friend told me of a lifetime where I was powerful but a powerful witch.  I left my power there for some reason, perhaps I never wanted to be manipulated again or use whatever talents I have for ‘evil’ or dark purposes.  I can expand my awareness and help at a very high level but I can’t seem to bring it into the physical world.  She also said there was a DNA mutation in that same life that needs to be adjusted so I can be healthy again in this life.  

What she said to me rings very very true.  It is not quite up consciously enough to heal it all yet, but it will be, especially now that I am panicking less.  It still seems weird to be afraid of healing something that will allow me to access my higher dimensional ‘powers’ (ability to really tap into the energy of ALL THAT IS Better) when that is what I have been working for during the past 16 years. 

So I breathe a lot, I accept a lot and I reaffirm my desire to surrender to this change. I am relaxing from worrying so much about how it will look, because trying to find out how it will look only makes me panic!! LOL!!

I have had some wonderful insights and help this week.  I will write about them in another post.  This post is about my reaction to my realizations.  I am once again on the precipice of opening to more of ME.  And each night when I am very tired and after I turn out the lights, the panic starts.  My heart beats so fast I become more and more awake.  I seem to be only able to sleep for cat naps during the day.

This particular panic seems worse than other times but that may be because I am in it now and those other times are soften by time passing.  I can embrace it, I can observe it.  Yet I don’t seem to be able to get through it or heal it or move beyond it (whatever words work for you).  I know I will eventually because I always do.  

So many beliefs have been shattered over the past few weeks that I think I am also afraid of what is next to go.  Funny, once my perspective changes I have a hard time even remembering why I had any other perspective.  But sometimes before the change I feel fear.

So of course my distracting mechanism – to get all worked up over my health and food issues- is in full bloom right now. They actually have been since I moved here.  Makes sense since my impression of being here is that I would be discarding many illusions long held and be embracing my true self.  That is, of course, exactly what I am afraid of.    Seems strange, doesn’t it?

But I have calmed down about not having a job at the moment and about not having friends that are close by and available.  I was distracting myself for a few months doing a lot when I need the time to be.  Now that I have more conscious awareness I can focus on praying, surrendering, being, and appreciating.

I tend to complain a lot, then work to raise my vibration or expand my awareness.  Today I realized I have some riches I do not acknowledge often enough.

I have 4 incredibly close friends with whom I can talk about anything – including the spiritual side of my life.  We are very close and they are very generous with their emotional and spiritual support.

I also have casual friends and acquaintances with whom I can talk or email from time to time about various things.  It is fun to talk to them about the events in my life and in theirs.

When I think of this I think of circles of love.  An inner circle with those I am closest to and outer circles for others.  AND I AM IN THE MIDDLE SURROUNDED BY ALL THAT LOVE.  Whew!!  I am enjoying that today!!!

I had a fabulous session with a new person yesterday.  All sorts of unwinding of old binding energies.  I woke up today feeling much lighter and happier.  Another nice side affect is more acceptance of how things are now.  YAHOOOO!!!

I had a sharp pain in my back.  It was getting worse and worse.  I mentioned it to a friend I do a lot of energy/healing/spiritual work with and we focused on the pain.  It was definitely connected to something triggered by my niece (who I talked to that day).

Turned out to be intense guilt.  Somewhere along the way I made a vow to be there for her and I have been experiencing a lot of guilt because I don’t feel I have been.  When I write ‘be there for her’ I mean take her pain for her, protect her, help her open her heart and be at inner peace whether she asks for my help or not.  I felt totally abandoned as a kid, felt the need to keep tightly shut to preclude getting hurt again and I swore I would not let that happened to my niece or my baby sister (they have been my children in many other lives).

So not only did I need to let go of my niece and all the energy and emotions I took on from her, but I needed to love the part of me tightly shut, hurt, dissapointed and felt abandoned.

After some intense emotional and energetic work, my pain went away. I was able to ask for a lot of love and support for my niece and visualize angels helping her so I could let go of that which I no longer needed to hold on to.

Then, I bent to get something out of a bottom drawer and felt an intense sharp pain in my muscle in the exact place I had been working.  My immediate thought is that some adhesion/old scar had ripped free to provide some flexibility.  Whatever it was, it still hurts today!! Interesting how our bodies get all frozen with the packed in emotions, isn’t it?

My heart feels free-er and more open. It is easier to think of my niece without feeling bad.

Once again, all about loving myself so I can love others.

So I have been wondering.  Why is it that we who are intuitive can feel we are being guided strongly in a direction that NEVER seems to come together in the every day physical world?  Is this our higher selves ‘tricking us’ or are our egos so strong that this illusion seems like guidance until it finally hits us one day that it never was?  OR is this the best path to follow to heal/transform everything we think we want to transform or to experience everything we chose to experience before we were born?  And how do we know?

Now that I am not resisting getting a low paying and meaningless, but hopefully fun, job I can ponder these things.  Maybe I am being drawn to get a job so I will quit worrying so much about money so that the abundance has a chance to flow?  Notice the question mark because I have no real idea.

It is definitely a time of wondering since I am having difficulty listening to my guidance because I am having difficulty beleiving it. You would think after everything I have been through I could tell the difference between my intuitive guidance and my ego’s desires but I am not so sure.

Just wondering.

And praying for peace and inner trust until I have some idea.

Well after hours and hours of gathering and completing applications (both on paper and online) I got to come to terms with more realizations.

First I feel better.  That lets me know I am resisting less.  I guess part of me REALLY didn’t want to get a job in retail at all.  I have been applying for office/business assistant jobs because they pay better and because I have a lot of business skills.  But I have not received even one response (not even one saying no thanks).  So when I woke up yesterday I found myself ready to apply to stores.  I was drawn to a particular grouping of shops and picked up a few applications.  I beleive I will find a part time job with one of them.  Who knows how the rest of the money I need will come to me?

I get the impression that I am being guided to this kind of a job to be more public.  I also have an inner belief that my higher self doesn’t care about how much money I need to make so it is truly guiding me to what is best for me spiritually.  Perhaps it is my inner belief that creates that.  Maybe if I trusted more I could create a way to make money doing something that I am passionate about AND that generates enough money to live on.  The part time job won’t even pay the rent.  But what I am doing sure feels right as far as my intuition goes.  My ego is not happy though!!

Sigh!!  But really as soon as it ‘feels’ right the ego begins to relax and let go.  I just have been in such turmoil for over a month about a job that I couldn’t ‘hear’ or ‘feel’ my own guidance well enough to do anything.  I needed to talk to a friend who said with conviction she felt I was going to get a job and all would be well.  For some reason I had fixated on the possibility of being homeless and begging for scraps.  Now I obviously need to heal that scenerio.  And I am sure all the inner healing I have done around my culture (being jewish and cast out often and having anything good yanked away from me with me having no power at all) helped.  As long as I make enough money to live on what difference does it make what I do?

Well, I do want to enjoy myself though.  I want to live with passion.  I am not going to be able to tolerate just working for money – there needs to be some enjoyment in it. When I worked in the bead store I loved helping and teaching people.  It made the drone work tolerable.  I am hoping for some kind of passion in whatever I end up doing to earn money.  My mind and intuition tell me I have evolved too much to create a painfully dull job for myself, but my inner fear isn’t quite on board with that truth!  So now I guess I will go do some inner loving to help it along.

As I re-read this I can see the back and forth between intuitive guidance, ego fear, emotionally driven beliefs and mental understanding.  Shew!! Nothing like really being conscious of all of one’s thoughts/emotions and choices as they occur – huh???  LOL!!  I bet it makes any one else reading this calmer about their own indecision (or decisions).

No longer am I holding on to the illusion that I will have a spiritual business where I conduct big seminars and have lots of sessions with clients. In the 10 years I have been trying it never grew to that size.  I have helped a lot of people but usually in dribs and drabs, or in healing circles where I barely charged enough to pay for food for a week.

When doing a visualization to find my purpose, I once had a vision (LONG. LONG ago) of me flying into the light across the US with lots of people behind me.  I knew I was leading them/helping them into their own light.  However, I thought that meant I would be teaching them here on the earth plane.  Since I LOVE to be in front of groups, it seemed a natural.  But it never took off.  I did spend a lot of time assisting the earth itself in transitioning, working with activating all sorts of new energies and helping the human mass consciousness to shift.  But not as much time with actual humans in the physical world as I thought I would.  And I certainly never made much money at any of it.

So I am releasing those illusions NOW.

I know it is time to play more, a time to look at earning a living doing play rather than drudge work.  It is a time of just being who I am no matter where I go and whom I am with.  Just shining that way is a way of showing by example to others what they can be themselves.

The issue I am grappling (or rather that I cannot get my mind to let go of) with is that I have to make enough money to live on.  I cannot yet reconcile in my mind finding work where I can just play – where I enjoy myself- with my need to make enough money to live on.  I have all sorts of degrees but have been out of general business for 10 years.  That is like a lifetime.  I get bored easily and need a job where I can be busy, have variety, talk to people, learn new things and perhaps do some teaching.  It has to be with a product or service I enjoy and believe in.  I also need to make enough money to live on.

Hopefully, I have done enough healing of the bitterness I felt at trying for 10 years to get a business going that was never going to go.  I LOVE helping people find their inner power, their own authentic selves.  I love making and teaching art.  I am not sure what else to do that I would enjoy making money while doing. 

I guess this gets to be an exercise into trusting more!!! All part of my own spiritual evolution.

I have been focusing on releasing my patterns around disappointment and a deeper level of  connection with my culturally developed limitations (the only way I really connected with my parents) and on reconnecting with the inner joyful, trusting me. 

A wonderful friend who is a Hindu monk has been helping me with her high vibration energy and her intuitive teachings.

When she and I began talking about this last week I felt battered.  So much deeply held beliefs and energy were touched that I was actually sore.  My resistance allowed some healing but begrudgingly only.  We talked again on Saturday morning and by Sat night I was overwhelmed and couldn’t even talk to her.  My brain couldn’t take anymore and my energy was already in the middle of moving so much that it just didn’t need any more pushing.

Then yesterday we did another session.  I could feel energies moving much easier.  The internal resistance was not as strong.  I also saw how hard it was for me to let go of always expecting things to turn out badly and of people never doing what they say because it was how I connected with my parents.  I actually psychically saw threads to them dropping as I was processing.  I felt sad but knew it had to be. 

The rest of the day I focused on releasing my expectation of disappointment and embracing trust.  I felt healing and attuning energy flow deeper within me with each affirmation and intention.

THEN…

Last night I found myself thinking about it all again.   I changed my psychic focus to become an aspect of my higher self so I could observe the me that is in this body.  Then I went back to being the me in the body.  I felt and saw another shift of energies resulting in an even better/more expansive opening and the higher aspect of me began to integrate.  Only instead of just ‘seeing’ it psychically it was a visceral connection (a physical connection).  I raised my hands and felt this aspect of me touching me, then holding hands, then begin to merge.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love – felt like a huge heart opening.  I then saw it from the perspective of the higher aspect and how loving that part of me is, how it is a more trusting part of me, how it loves to play.    I also felt an angel brush my cheek in reassurance as this was happening.  Literally felt it physically – cool!!

I am still integrating today and I sure feel happier.

I have been in conflict with myself for a little while now – maybe this whole lifetime but severely during the past few months.  I want deep satisfaction in my life and I want it regardless of what I do to earn money, whether or not I find the mate I think I want or friends show up or I find the community I crave.

In order to have that satisfaction there is another step in surrendering that I need to take. And I have been fighting it.  Now I have been praying and praying for help in surrendering the conflict but have not really been able to do it.  My mind takes over and there is some deep fear that also shows up (panic really).

I worked today with my monk friend (she really is god sent) and there was some softening in the inner fight.  But I can tell I am still holding on.  It is my deepest prayer that I receive help in relaxing and letting go.

On the surface my fears show up as feeling totally lost, deep disappointment that I will HAVE to have a job I do not like because I can’t seem to create the business I want (in spite of all the visualizations and affirmations), that I will have to be alone because letting go of my dreams mean I can never have what I want (never mind the fact that if I have no dreams I won’t have any wants), and that all the work I have done over the past 16 years in the name of spiritual growth was an exercise in futility.  Remember, I am being emotional, not logical.

So the panic is deep.  The ego and little inner children are holding on tight.  And I seem to be fighting myself and the only other person who can probably help.  I am sure that means I am fighting any help from my higher self or angels or guides.

Sigh!!!  This is hard.  I am inviting love, reassurance and soothing to all of me – including the parts irritated that I am resisting this next step so strongly.