I have been spending a lot of time alone this past few weeks.  I have gone out and talked on the phone but i have made no effort to go to group activities nor have I done much walking.  I just have been inward.  And I notice in the past few days how sacred it feels around me all the time.

My creativity has been amped up and I am in this wonderfully connected-to-source place during each step of making art – not just the design phase like I usually am.  Most importantly with little exception I am ok being alone for such long periods of time.  The one morning I thought I just needed to be out of the house I noticed I didn’t really want to go anywhere.  I was just a bit restless.

There was a time if I spent this much time alone I would be pushing myself to do something, to make something happen, to get out there and meet people or focus on finding a job or networking.  Right now it feels exactly right to be with myself in contemplation and meditation.  I don’t even want to watch dvd’s – too much frenetic energy. I am liking how this feels.

ok I believe I co-create everything in my life. So if that is true then I take full responsibility for what I am about to write.  I am going to do a little ranting anyway!!

I do not understand why waiters and cashiers and sales people insist on sharing their judgment of me with me.  Well I guess I really mean sharing their negative judgment of me because I have NO problem when they are complimenting me.  LOL!!

I did notice tonight that I was able to respond to a waiter’s comment that I was ordering too much food for one person with a lighthearted reassurance that I would take some home if it was too much.  I didn’t really feel bad about myself either afterwards.  I just noticed.  But I wonder – did he think he was being helpful?  Seems in this economy an employee would not tell a customer that they might be spending too much money at the employee’s store/restaurant??!!  Weird.  Or is it somehow my energy just brings out the judgment in people and they feel it necessary to share with me?

Now, mind you, my intuition was clear that I didn’t need to be eating sushi tonight (I am diabetic and do not need all the rice that is in the rolls).  I have also been doing a bit of self-judging around food since I have had a hard time with my food choices over the past few weeks (one of the side effects of focusing on this deeply needy, deprived feeling inner child).  So maybe the waiter was just voicing some of my own judgments?  How nice of him to fulfill that role for me. I sort of really mean that!! LOL!!

Oh and it was not too much food – I ate it all.  Probably because I had a light breakfast and only a frozen yogurt for lunch.  I was hungry by dinner time.  See what I mean by difficulty with food choices? Sigh!!  All part of my healing/ascension process.

Oh my – so after reiterating my alignment with my higher self and vibrational reality, things got interesting.  Not sure if it is Mercury retrograde weird or just strange in general.

On Wed. I walked into the sewing machine store to pick up my machine (the owner called twice to tell me it was there).  The clerk couldn’t find it but mentioned they were short-staffed.  I said I was interested and she gave me an application.  As soon as I got home she called saying she had talked to the owner and if I could get the application back to the store within a half an hour, it could be put on a truck to the owner, so she can look it over.  Very exciting.  Unfortunately, it was all the clerk’s excitement because the owner never called me.  When I tracked her down today she didn’t seem that interested.  

Later in the day on Wed. a potential client called to say he wanted to pay for 10 sessions to work with me.  (This was after having 3 people book readings/healing sessions on Tuesday.) I have no idea how he got my name and number.  We did a little work that day and on Thursday.  He was very pleased with how it affected him.

Then Wed. night a client called for a session who had booked for Friday night but she couldn’t wait.  She was experiencing very similar issues to me and it triggered more of my own inner neediness/deprivation/distrust stuff.  It took til Friday morning for me to love it enough for it to lighten up.

After my  whirlwind day on Wed., Thursday was a down day.  I literally stayed on the couch most of the day.  I did find out my sewing machine was at the sewing store after all. I was so tired I couldn’t even take a walk. In the afternoon I received a call confirming  that I did not get the job I interviewed for on Tuesday.  

Today I woke very congested and closed- had to do a lot of internal work to relax and lighten up. But I had been sliding back into a panic around getting a job after my experiences this week.  So once I lightened up again, I opened back to trust.

 And I have been sewing purses and totes.  I just go from one to the other. So many ideas, so little time.  I literally can’t get to them fast enough (feels fantastic).   I figure even if I never sell them, I can donate them to a women’s shelter or something like that.  It just feels good and right to keep making them.  I am about ready to begin another art piece, so I will stop making the purses/totes for a while.  I tend to work on one piece at a time while I am designing.  Once I get into production, I then begin the design on the next piece while I do the construction sewing for the previous piece.  That way I am always in design and don’t get frustrated with the mundaneness that sewing can be.

This has been a whirlwind week with the energies changing so fast I felt shaky.  It feels great to know that I am healing such a deep part of myself but I keep forgetting how different I feel each day as the healing progresses.  I am dreaming about me and babies – taking care of them, loving them.  This week the babies began as siamese twins that were tiny and shriveled up and with each successive dream the babies that show up are healthier and healthier (and no more siamese twins) and more outgoing.  Last night the baby in my dream was 2 or 3 and very outgoing.  I know it all has to do with my own inner little being that is healing.  She is doing great.  In the meantime, I keep focusing on trusting and knowing that I am always provided for – comfortably – in the physical world. Heck all the readings/healing sessions this week has proved that!!  And I am making money doing what I LOVE.  I trust that will continue.

Just align with it being here already.

So I went to the strangest job interview I have ever experienced (both as an applicant and as an employer).  It truly felt like she called me in just to meet me because my resume is so eclectic.  I left the interview laughing at the whole thing, not sure what to expect. 

Once I got into the car, I did notice the beginning of  my old pattern of getting a bit depressed and allowing negative thoughts to swirl around in a ever faster circle. I decided to stop it and reiterate my commitment to being in alignment with the part of me that already knows how my financial abundance is created, the part of me that IS already the energy of financial abundance in the physical plane.  And I went home.

I got home to a message that someone wanted a reading.  While I was talking to them someone else called to schedule a second reading.  THEN while I was talking to the second client a third person called for a reading.  I decided that my money energy is clearly flowing and am not worrying about it!!!!!

I am an artist.  Images, techniques that I want to portray in fabric come from my soul (they pop into my head fully formed or I am guided step my step by my intuition). Art is very meditative for me as I definitely stay out of my head and experience the focus of now that is possible when I am completely in my heart and intuitive/spiritual self.

I find that because of this art and my approach to it often teaches me a lot about myself and spiritual evolution in general.  My realizations make good examples when I am working with my clients.

Listening to my intuition (energy is more important than money):

This past week I was sewing on a Tuesday night and I heard in my head “I am taking the sewing machine in tomorrow for servicing.”  It was very definite.  I had been trying to decide when to take the machine back to get it re-looked at since they didn’t fix something correctly the first time.  Well, when something comes to me that clearly I listen. I am intending that I get to such a place of no resistance that ALL my guidance comes to me that clearly.

When I got to the sewing store to hand in my machine I found myself looking at new ones. Without much further thought I bought one.  I didn’t hesitate.  Furthermore I didn’t berate myself afterwards for spending the money when I have no idea when my income might reach a level where I can sustain myself.  It was needed, it was guided; I did it.  I am trusting it will all work out financially.

Only after I began using the new sewing machine did I realize how much trouble I was having with the old one. If I am going to produce enough art product to sell it I must have a machine I enjoy using.  It wasn’t just the few minor things that the new one does better because it is a heavier, better crafter machine.   It is the way the old one felt to me.

I am also now aware of how much anger and old angst has been heaped upon and stored in the old machine (see my previous blog entry about furniture storing thoughts and emotions – machines do too).  I bought that machine when I was sick and used it to stave off the panic of not having any money and being very ill for many years.  I could not clear that much old negative energy out of it.  At first I was kind of excited about the idea of having two machines, but I have not picked up the fixed old machine from the store yet either – I don’t really want it in the house.

*** A side note – last friday AND Saturday the owner of the shop that is fixing my machine called to say it was ready.  I went today and the clerk could not find it!!!!  Wonder if my desire to not have it affected that????  LOL!!

Perception is totally based on my inner processing:

In addition to wall hangings (basically paintings with fabric, thread and beads instead of paint) I make tote bags and purses.   I made two new ones in the past week and finished another one yesterday.  I hung them all on the wall because I like looking at my work and it inspires me to create more.  Well, on Saturday all I could see were imperfections.  I began to doubt that anyone would ever want to buy anything I make because I believed my sewing skill level is so low.  I could see a crooked seam on one, the straps were proportionately too big on another, a third didn’t hang right and I had no idea how to fix it, etc.

After some beautiful and intense healing that evening and on Monday, I was looking again at my totes and purses.  All I could see was beauty.  I couldn’t even find the mistakes that were all I saw on Saturday.  I also re-remembered I LOVE making art.  I have tons of fabric I have bought over the past 7 years and I want to use it.  If I have to give everything I make away it is ok (although I would like to make enough money to buy more fabric!!).  The point is to make art not to please anyone else.    What a different perspective I have when I am more in the flow of my own spiritual creativity.

I have been going through another transformation during the past few weeks and on Saturday took another huge step by allowing healing/shifting from the 5^th dimensional level rather than however I was doing it before.

 If I ever figure out how it works I will write about it.  It involves being out of the brain and into the heart and knowing/allowing god/my higher self to do all the work.  The me in the body is more passive but completely open.  See, the words just don’t do it justice because when I read these words it sounds like the exact same way I was doing it/allowing it before.  But trust me, it is very different and much deeper and much more intense. Actually, it involves a lot of trust because I do NO directing at all.

I woke up Sunday morning knowing I needed to wash all the bedding because I had changed so much.  I needed to start the next phase of my physical life with a clean comforter and bed pad, as well as sheets and pillowcases.  I was being guided to clean everything as a symbol of my new way of being and because it all held some lower level energy of mine.  After the bed was stripped I asked for it to be cleansed too.

I learned that furniture holds old energies when I used to live in San Francisco but I experienced it first hand after I left my job there and moved back in with my dad for a year.  The furniture in his house had balls of anger in it.  The anger was from my mom and dad, their anger at each other both expressed and unexpressed.  It kind of sickened me so I cleared some of it and got help to clear the rest of it.  Well, I cleared what I could.  It wasn’t my house or my furniture so I could only do so much. Luckily it was enough for me to be able to tolerate living in his house for the time I needed to be there.

In my apartment I prayed over my bed.  I thanked it for being comfortable and asked that any old energy, expectations and emotions of my cats or mine be released and removed from the apartment.  In my vision a wash of beautiful multi-colored energy flowed through the bed, transforming any old or stuck energy. I then asked that the energy of the bed be changed to support me perfectly for where I am now spiritually and energetically.  My bedroom sparkles now and I am very happy to be in it.

Ok I admit it – occasionally I still have thoughts about how long it has taken me to learn to accept myself and to really focus on how I would like to be spending my time.  I will be 50 this year and it does occur to me that half my life has gone by and I am in the middle of yet another big ‘career’ shift.  Some old thoughts about taking so long, not ever having enough money,  and not being able to get anything going because I am too old have drifted through my head.  Intuitively I know it doesn’t matter, but some of that old 3rd dimensional thinking pops up once in a while.

I didn’t realize that it was an underlying worry until yesterday.  I picked up an inspirational magazine that has an article about Louise Hay in it. I was reading about how her story unfolded and discovered that her work with aids patients, which led to her ‘You can Heal Your Life” book and publishing company didn’t start until she was 50.  50!!!  The age I am now.  It was one of those heart opening, aha moments.  I sobbed.  In the middle of the restaurant where I was eating lunch (why do these openings tend to hit me in public where lots of people get to watch me be very emotional?).

Lots of the magic that has been occurring around me these past few weeks has  involved reassurance about money, my health, and my future.  This was just one more piece of self-loving that I allowed to remind me that all is well – more than well, it is right on purpose and in the flow. 

I love it when I am open and aligned with my higher self.

Things are moving again for me.  People are calling from an ad I put in a local new age magazine and I have an interview tomorrow for a temporary job.  I am also having lovely serendipitous moments of spontaneous connections and happenings.

What happened?  Well, two things.  1.  I delved deeper into my distrust and blocks and inner resentment of how my life has gone and 2.  I have focused on realigning my will, my body energy, my emotions and my thoughts with the higher vibration of me that already knows all of this has been worked out and is well (Abraham-Hicks calls it our vibration reality).

I needed both.  Some people say one or the other is enough.  I needed both.  Probably because I wanted this stuck feeling to go away faster.

I was already having some cool little miracles when a big opening happened.  I will write about that in my next article for my yahoo group (down2earthspiritstuff).  So I was already creating openings for my higher self to help me attract ways to feel better and co create a better physical life.

The most important thing is that I feel better.  I have reconnected with some hope and positive feelings.  I notice I listen/hear my intuitive guidance easier and clearer when I am feeling more positive, even though when I am not happy I ask for guidance more consistently.  I am calmer about spending money even though I am not attracting a lot of it in my physical life at this time.  I just know the actions I am taking are ‘right’ for me at this time.  I am trusting.  WOOHOOO!!  It just feels good to write that.

I knew I needed to go to LA to visit a friend even though about a week and a half ago I thought I wouldn’t see her until June.  I just knew it was time.  And we met a beautiful soul who is struggling with her business and home while following her guidance about making big changes in her business.  My friend will probably end up with a job there.  I will probably end up getting a paid reading but more importantly, that connection needed to be made for me for some reason.  I did hear this person’s fabulous story about how two different people gifted her with money to move her business when god was making it clear it HAD to be moved.  I needed to be reminded about being open to financial abundance without limitations.  So it was a great day all the way around.

Other cool things are happening also.  I am thrilled.  I am in love with life again.  I am in love with myself.

It IS important to take action in order to cocreate what you want in life.  But the energy and emotions behind the actions are what creates the events and attracts circumstances and people to you.

In my last blog I wrote that I had accepted that I need a job. Well the truth is that I knew intuitively it was time to look and I resented it and protested it and resisted it even as I was looking and applying.  Then I worked on all my negative feelings and felt I had gotten to the place of acceptance.  However, each time I applied for a job I would cry or feel really bad.  My mind was trying to figure out what was going on since it was/is so clear I need to create some income and it isn’t happening from anything I really enjoy doing.  However, no potential employer responded to me at all.  I know times are tough, I also know we create our reality from our own inner energy. 

Today I found out just how deeply I feel like a failure because I have not been able to create a prosperous business from the two things I LOVE to do – creating wonderful art pieces and assisting others in their spiritual evolutionary journeys.  A beautiful but terrified and fragile inner emotional part of me showed great courage in coming forth.  She was literally psychically starved and has been behind a lot of self-sabotage in my life.  As I have been loving her, I realize this energy plus all the inner judgment of it has created a life where I was disgusted by my body, I expect things to go wrong, and I am never satisfied.

This is the energy from which I have been trying to create a passionate, beautifully abundant and sacred business.  No wonder it has not happened. 

I am focusing on my inner healing today and for a little while.  I have no idea what I may decide to try to create in my physical life but I do know I want it created from the inner sacred joy I know is me.  So I am taking a break from looking for a job and from future planning until my connection with my true self is stronger and there is more healing for these damaged inner emotional ‘children’.

So I accepted I need a job and have been applying and applying.  I accepted that I may not ever get my spiritual business going again and that even if I never sell another piece of art I NEED to make it anyway. I find myself worry free at the moment but blank about my future.

I spent all day Friday helping friends.  It was such an uplifting day.  I was in channeling and BEING to help three different friends throughout the day. I felt so on purpose.  Yet it doesn’t seem I am to do this except with my friends.

So what do I do now?  What do I do now that what I wanted to do for a living seems not tbe developing?  I want to earn money from selling my art and assisting others in their spiritual/energy healing.  But I am having all sorts of revelations about all sorts of things and am no longer feeling the need to hold on to that desire.  So if that is true, what will I do to earn money?

Shall I listen to my Hindu friend and just meditate and be, trusting that my higher self/god will bring me what is right?  That sounds wonderful but has not been my experience.  I have been listening to Abraham- Hicks cd’s this week.  Shall I just continually re-align my consciousness to match the aspect of me (a higher or more expanded aspect for sure), again assuming my ‘rockets of desire” (an Abraham-Hicks term) have been launched strongly enough that the universe will answer them? Shall I pay attention to my other friend who strongly urges me to stop making things hard – and if what I want is not manifesting it IS hard- and just do whatever comes easily?

Seems like whomever/whatever I listen to, the idea is not to strive or force anything.  I prefer that my answers come from within me either in words or sensations/feelings.  However, I do not have an answer for this.  Each day I do my best to follow my guidance for that day.  My inner child is still rebelling a little about that (and the food) so that is not always successful.  I am finding that I want to be alone A LOT!!!  Even when I think I am getting bored, I don’t necessarily want to be around other people too much.  Perhaps that is absolutely perfect and is assisting me in finding my own answers?  I sure hope so.

I do know I am spending a lot of time observing now.  This means I don’t react as strongly and quickly as I used to when faced with others’ judgment or any event really.  That feels better.  It is hard for me to know what to do without the drama and reactions though.  I am having the same problem with food. Now that the addiction is healing, it is hard to know what I want to eat.  I am only eating to feed the physical hunger not to fulfill some internal satisfaction.  It is VERY different and odd. 

All part of getting used to being at a higher vibration while I wait for inspiration.