Just breathing today.  Just be-ing and relaxing.  Surrendering.  

I got tired of all the worrying and trying to go deeper to love myself more so I could be happier. I just decided to relax and surrender today.  It is definitely a calmer day because of it.

And I am delighted I have been able to ‘be’ it.  That alone shows me how much I have changed. YAY!!

Last night my higher self reassured me that I have not wasted 10 years of my life by focusing solely on spiritual growth.  I was thinking that as I realized (once again) how much  loss I have gone through and how hard the past 10 years has been.  On top of that my life in the physical world right now is still no where near what I want or am satisfied with. I was breathing, expanding, loving myself in an attempt to handle the panic of being totally confused about what the heck I am doing.  But it was all just more inner energy/limitations coming ‘up’ for healing.  More aspects of my ego fighting for toehold.  The reassurance was very welcome.  

I needed a break from all the self-blame, doubt and then trying to be present with all of that.  Hence the surrendering and relaxing today.  Just being.  All the other stuff will sort itself out one way or the other.  Today I get to play.

My goodness, things change fast don’t they?  Yesterday morning I woke up calm, feeling as if I had gotten through whatever I was releasing last week.  By the evening another wave of deep releasing and emotional reactions washed over me.  Today I am very internal with it all.

I don’t really have a name for what might have been releasing.  Does it matter?  Just another deep part of me full of older energy that was limiting me.  

Some old thought patterns came up last night about some of my choices in this life.  The words were the same that I expressed but I really noticed that the emotional punch was just not there.  I am happy to say that I am letting go of my past and the resentment towards how things have worked out. This excites me because I wish to create my future from a more positive, open-to-the-possibilities place.  Since right at this moment I have no idea about my future and no real goal (except to be able to live comfortably, healthily and abundantly in all areas of my life), I find myself pretty happy about all the deep releasing.

Today I am very very tired.  I guess the pain of plowing through resistance and then whatever the heck my body was going through yesterday (stomach problems all day) is taking its toll.  Today the emotional stuff hit and I find myself crying all the time.

The vision comes of me letting go of cords and cords of energy holding on to something I no longer need (I am intending that it be any resentment or jealousy).  But each time I ’see’ myself let go I begin crying.  Am I not ready or am I so attached that I can’t let go?  I know my inner child has been activated – the part that feels I never get anything I want.  She is quite needy.

But her activation tells me that I am addressing something deep that I don’t necessarily need anymore but am not quite ready to let go of.  it is difficult to go through this all the time.  I know my recent message was that there was going to be lightening up throughout the next few months, but I want it to be easier!! LOL!!  I want to participate in it gently and sacredly – not whining and griping etc.

Perhaps that can actually happen?

ON a different note – my visions are crystal clear now.  When info comes it is so clear there is no mistaking the message.  Kind of cool.  I didn’t realize it wasn’t as clear before until I shifted enough for it to be where it is now. I expend no energy now for any vision.  That is a lovely progression.

Praying for ease in the discomfort I am going through today.

ok I could look at it as if I went into fear when things were so wonderful over the weekend or I could acknowledge that all my declarations yesterday helped me open to a new level of resistance/fear that I want to clear.  Guess which one I pick?

So yesterday sucked!! LOL!!  Resistance showed up as great amounts of pain in my shoulders, neck and head.  Byt the time it was so overwhelming that I went back to bed I finally got a vision of an intense beam of light coming at me from high (my higher self, I assume).  Inside this beam was a hand reach towards my head, right where the pain is the worst.  I knew it was going to help me so I allowed.

I also heard hat these intense changes will continue for at least another month and a half before I see results in my every day physical world.  I asked out loud for help in trusting until then – and in keeping myself appropriately occupied.  Then I went to sleep (or passed out , really).

I woke up last night with most of the pain gone but kind of hungover from the intensity of it.  Today I am recovering.  Just very tired and not moving too fast but NO PAIN!!! YAHOO!!  Sometimes it hurts a lot when a band of resistance is pushed through.  I know some part of me pushed through but the me writing this is trying to allow and not push.  It is taking practice.

I have been impatient with god and myself.  I am experiencing a lot of internal changes and growth.  I have been for years. However,  I moved to Encinitas with the intuitive knowledge that I had changed enough to have a magical physical life.  I ‘felt’ it would occur rather quickly but here it is 6 months in and no big changes have occured. I have had days of sacredness and expansion but everything is the same really – no local friends, more money going out than coming in, still have health issues that plague me, can’t seem to connect with people at all, can’t find a job etc etc etc.

Now I am thrilled with the spiritual growth because I feel so much better on a day to day basis.  But where is the rest?????

Well, I am getting my answers and trying to embrace them.  I dreamt that it is time to move to another place to live in Encinitas, so I am letting myself be guided to the right location.  I had a fabulous conversation with a friend last evening wherein she described a miraculous change in her circumstances.  We tend to be in sync with a lot of our growth so it gave me hope.  Today as I was working with a client I realized a lot of my words to her fit me also (as is usually the case).

The advice I received is to trust and to know that my higher self is creating something much better than my limited mind can conceive.  The key is to allow and be ready and get out of my own way.

So I am making my declarations and intentions:

• I am ready for magnificence in my physical life.
• I embrace fully and choose completely to be here on earth.
• I release all resentments and anger towards any person, place, event, part of me that I might be hanging on to.
• I am trusting my higher self to take care of me fantastically.
• I let go of whatever beliefs, limitations and expectations that might be blocking me from allowing my higher self to bring me wonderfulness in my every day physical life.
• I embrace my own strength, wisdom, compassion, and magnificence.
• I am open to intuitive guidance for any and all parts of my life no matter what it is.
• I love myself enough to do this for me!!!

I had a magnificently sacred day on Saturday.  First off I got through whatever was going on last week with me and reconnected consciously to a very expanded part of me (my higher self at a level I do not recall ever have knowing consciously before).  Then I got answers to some issues plaguing me in that connection and through some extremely vivid dreams.

Everything must have come together and I was much more receptive to allowing than ever because Saturday was an incredibly sacred day.

I woke up leisurely on Saturday.  I knew I wanted to go to the store for errands and I knew I wanted to take a walk and get on the internet.  Normally I have to go to the library to get in the internet but that morning I was able to get on at home.  YAY one less stop!!.  Also, I went to the store looking for something specific and didn’t see it.  I was walking out and then got guidance to follow a man walking in.  He led me right to what I wanted!!  I don’t usually get that kind of guidance but today seemed the day for it.

I was guided to take my walk in a certain area.  I wasn’t keen on going there because it is very busy on the weekends since it is near the beach but I listened anyway.  As soon as I parked it began raining.  I was going to go home (any excuse not to walk), but my intuitive guidance was clear and strong to take that walk.  So I put a raincoat on and opened an umbrella.

I pass a jewelry store when I walk this way.  This day there was a sign that it was closing and she was selling some fixtures.  I asked about jewelry displays (velvet covered form to display jewelry for sale) since I have wanted some to show my necklaces and earrings.  She showed me some that were there when she bought the store and basically sold about $200 worth of displays to me for $15.  If I hadn’t walked by I would never have known this.

As I was walking back to my car to bring it to the store I passed a beautiful little house with a salon in it.  I have passed and admired this place for 6 months on my walks.  I went it this day and they had an appt for a massage in 40 minutes.  At least I thought that is what I booked.  It was the only appointment available for the day.  I took it since the timing was perfect.  Then I asked about lunch and they recommended the place across the street that I thought only sold pastries. 

After picking up the displays I went to the place for lunch.  OH MY!!  They are committed to creating food with lots of love.  They only handle the food in love and they serve it with love.  It was like participating in a sacred ritual to eat there.  Plus the food was delicious.

I met the woman who was going to do the massage and her energy was beautiful.  She thanked me for allowing her to work on me and her touch was so worshipful I immediately felt pampered before we barely got started.  She was great and I enjoyed her a lot. I told her I wanted her to focus on my feet/ankles and shoulders/neck.  She said I picked the right package for that.  It turns out I was booked for a foot massage/scrub/bath and facial which included an extensive neck/shoulder and arm massage!!!  It was perfect.

What a sacred day.  I was led each step of the way and I felt nourished and filled up in a beautiful way. I was/am so moved by it.  I asked Friday night for a sign that I was back on track and this is what I got.  I am so in love with life right now.

and do I have to choose between the two?

I have been plagued with this question ever since I began focusing intensely on my spiritual journey.  Do I really have to choose between delving deeply into my layers and layers of limitations/duality in order to release them and integrate more of my spiritual beingness/soul AND having a fulfilling life with friends, a partner, physical comfort, health and financial abundance?  There must be something within me that thinks I do because it keeps coming up from someone else as she tells me I am spreading my focus too thin. I even have two friends at the complete opposite ends of the scale – one believes in focusing on the physical totally (with a few intuitive insights allowed) and the other has let go of the physical totally to focus on the spiritual only. Neither extreme feels right to me.

However, I think it is true that if I had gotten what I wanted in this life long ago I might not have been as willing to go as deeply spiritually.  So perhaps it is all a method for my growth.  I do know it certainly contributes to my anger and dissatisfaction with my life – not having what I want.  I am constantly pushing – or, now, allowing – more and more integration, cleaning out and internal shifts in the hopes that I will change my energy enough to allow abundance in many areas of my physical life.  But does that mean I will NEVER get what I want?  Or will I get to some pre-agreed level of integration and finally allow a joyful life full of satisfying people, events and circumstances?  

Or will I finally surrender every desire and continue to connect inside to the joy that is there with the hope that this will lead to the life I think I want (although, I do not trust enough to do it quite yet)?  And why is that even a different choice?  If I am joyful won’t I automatically cocreate the life I want?  Or do I have to be consciously choosing to create it?

I think I get confused. I do know I do not wish to choose between deep spiritual healing/growth and a fun-filled, comfortable and joy-filled life.  And right now I believe that kind of life includes people and financial solvency.  As I continue to open deeper and deeper I continue to pray for guidance and clarity AND physical abundance. 

I have stopped trying new groups and finding a job for right now.  Nothing was happening.  My spiritual evolution is moving faster and faster and seems rather easy in spite of all the physical and emotional upheaval that sometimes accompanies it.  The rest seemed like trying to push water. So the path that is open right now is internal focus and growth.  Now if only I could consistently get my inner fears/worries to recognize that!!  Although, it is probably part of the growth that all that come up often to distract me and to be healed.  LOL!!!!!  Too confused – think I will just go meditate and pray then do something fun.

I spent the better part of the day before yesterday practicing compassion and forgiveness for the man who did not pay me the big check he owed me.

I thought of him and embraced every part of me that got tight.  I reacted with anger, irritation, fear, hopelessness and helplessness.  I loved up each part of me that showed up.  I also kept picturing him and imagining my heart opening and expanding.  

I had to do all of this many different times as so much of my own stuff came up.  But I just kept at it.

The bottom line for me is that when I trust that I will be taken care of in the physical world these kinds of things don’t phase me at all.  However, I had/have been going through a period of not completely trusting or believing.  Now I can say that if I was meant to have that money it will come another way.

I was also able to get to the place of forgiving this man and wishing him well  - AND MEAN IT!!!  My interaction with him allowed a lot of healing for me.  So in that respect I got my money’s worth!!!

I received some potentially scary news about my health today.  I was upset for about an hour then I handled all the paperwork and coordinating with a new doctor that was necessary.  Then I had the presence of mind to call the doctor back and ask more questions to find out she kind of overreacted.  There are still some things up in the air but it is not as dire or urgent as she made it out to be.  

I am so grateful I love myself enough to approach everything that happens with me with a level of calm I never had before.

I still have not been paid the big check that someone said he was sending. Although I am a bit irritated I am less attached to it than I was a few weeks ago.  I KNOW I will be taken care of at all times.  I know that is the trust I need to hold on to and not get bogged down in the details (like exactly how much money I might be earning or what could be happening with my health or how much all the new medical tests might cost).

I am very grateful for this state of being. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I miss the drama sometimes.  It took up a lot of energy and time.  I don’t always know what to do with myself now.  However, my creativity has gone off the charts.  So maybe THAT is the result of letting go of drama – at least for me. 

I am still aligning my will and energy with my higher vibrational reality each day.  When I get down I remember to feel my emotions, expand my energy and ask for help from my higher self.

I have been practicing allowing healing rather than directing it.  It is part of what I am learning about 5th dimensional healing.  So when I sat down yesterday to allow healing for some intense back/shoulder pain I have been experiencing, I allowed healing energy to flow wherever my higher self directed.

 It flowed through all sorts of physical places in my body long before I received any info or saw any connection with the energy parts.  I felt/saw it flow through my blood system many, many times.  Healing energy focused on each and every part of my body, relaxing, releasing and healing as it went.  The heat build up in most of my body was dissipated and heat was offered to two places where I was cold (bottom of lungs and kidneys).  

After a while of this and then a short rest, I was given a vision of me standing in my heart surrounded by various aspects of myself at various ages.  Each part was kind of frozen in time and in a vertical beam of light.  Each one of these aspects represented a time when I was hurt.  As I forgave myself, my parents and anyone else involved, I loved each representation of me it was freed from the beam of light and then integrated.  With each part freed the intense pain lessened. YAY!!  There were some obligations I took on from my parents and on behalf of Jews that I also released.  Much healing was offered and accepted by my lungs to release a lot of old grief.  Energetic scar tissue was dissolved in the exact spot of the pain.  This tissue was created from layers and layers of cords of energy to and from family members due to obligation and other emotions.  I received the info that this healing within and of  my heart would continue.

Later before bed, I heard to take more tylenol.  I woke up many times during the night.  I think the healing was so intense I couldn’t handle it without some breaks.  I got the breaks when I woke up.

Finally this morning when I awoke for the day, the pain was GONE!!!  I have had this pain off and on for 20 years or so.  It got worse over the past 3 years (when my father died) and was so bad this past week the chiropractor didn’t help.  I have worked on it over and over both with physical means and energy means.  It took many layers of healing.  I feel kind of empty though!!!  I am remembering I didn’t lose any part of me that I needed, just allowed all of me to transition even further into the higher vibrational reality of me.!!!