Or – that too is more complicated than you think.

Just like when you are working on one issue and many more feelings, beliefs and agreements must be addressed than you would have imagined in order to heal the original issue, the likelihood of any predictions either from another intuitive person you trust or from your own channelings/intuition coming true is also complicated.

For MANY years people told me I would write a book that would be a best seller and I would be in front of many people speaking, and that I would have a partner with a child.  It was unclear if I would actually get pregnant and birth the child or my partner would bring it into the marriage (and there would be a marriage). I also received the information during many of my meditations.  I am 50 this year, about 10 years after I stopped listening to all these predictions, and this still has not happened. 

I am now finally writing a book.  I tried in 2000, again in 2003; maybe third time is the charm? I am not sure if the purpose of this writing is to help me bring up all sorts of things that still need releasing or to actually try to publish a book – or both.  In my preparation for writing I have been re-reading some old journals and notice how many times various people told me the same kinds of predictions for my near future.  I do not consider 10 or 11 years out near future.

At first the familiar sadness and bitterness overcame me because I had really WANTED these predictions to come true.  Some of the ones that were told to me I never wanted to see but not these.  As a matter of fact what tipped the scales when I finally decided to leave a long-term, secure, great paying job was that I thought I would be writing a book, publishing it and giving seminars/workshops.   But nooOOOOooooo.

I have learned that not only do I need to be aware of the level of clarity in the psychic/intuitive, and pay attention to my own discernment; I need to pay attention to MY level of opening/spiritual evolution.  I also need to take everything with a grain of salt even if it does feel true to me because I obviously make decisions that change my future all the time.  Also, it may be that I did not clear a block that was assumed to be clearing when that info came through.   I have also leaned that sometimes our higher selves tell us something to elicit a healing response or to nudge us in a certain direction.  I am hoping that happening depends on our internal choices because that kind of trickery has not happened to me in a while.

I do not know why the very things I wanted most and were told would come to me have not.  I suspect I evolved faster than was planned and made the decisions to leave certain geographic areas and/or men that I might have stayed with.  But it is a suspicion, not a knowing.  However, I am relieved that I have given up trying to get information about my future beyond a day or two.  NOW is much more important than any possible or potential future scenario anyway.   Staying present is more powerful and more relaxing.

 I am now loving the part of me that is sad for the disappointment brought up by those predictions not coming true.

I had a long chat with my Hindu teacher and friend.  She clarified even further my guidance to not go to the quilt show this weekend.  It had to do with not exposing myself to the very thing I am trying to heal from.

I am beginning to manifest from self-fulfillment.  Art is a way for me to try to find self-fulfillment, as if anything I could do would get me there.  Going to the quilt show would have exposed me to the very thing I am trying to heal – kind of like an alcoholic who is just in recovery going to a bar for a party.   Why rub their noses in it?  In my case I still enjoy making art, it is still a fun thing for me but it no longer is something I HAVE to do.  I don’t need it to feel fulfilled and I used to say I had to make art to breathe.

My spiritual path is to reconnect with and bask in the self-fulfillment that I AM no matter what I am doing.  I may choose to make art in the future (or rather, I will choose since I enjoy it) but it will come from fulfillment.  I won’t be searching for my internal satisfaction from the art itself. 

The writing I am doing is welling up from a deep place of myself.  It is also guiding me back to myself.  Art never did that.  When I painted I could turn my mind off for a while and just be.  The design part of sewing is like that.  But I never learned anything about myself.  I just processed whatever emotion I was expressing.  Now my creativity is expressing itself through writing and it serves a different purpose. 

It isn’t much different than any perception or expression of intuition one is guided to after one gains a certain level of clarity.  I now can see people’s energy in many dimensions where as when I first started out practicing my clairvoyance I could not.  I now see all entities and energies as part of the greater whole whereas before I definitely saw distinct shapes and beings like they were separate even if my intellect knew they were part of All That Is. 

Well, now writing is a more developed creative expression.  It is harder for me to do it right now because there is no distraction from myself when I write.  It comes from fulfillment and it guides me back to myself.

So all of that sounds wonderful and makes great sense.  Why did I react to the conversation with fear?  Why have I been on an eating binge, finishing off two pints of ice cream, and not sleeping even though it is midnight?  What is coming up?

Here is what I got when I meditated on it: Another part of my ego is trying to franticly hold on to what it thought was true.  Some inner part of me identified so strongly with myself as an artist that it doesn’t want to let go.  Really, who am I if I am not identified with ANYTHING I do or have around me?  I have spent years letting go and each time a huge milestone came up and was passed I have been through this.  Luckily I have grown enough spiritually that I didn’t have to create any major accidents or illness this time.

I can intellectually tell you, I can even intuitively give you a definition of who I AM without all of this attachment.  But I can’t FEEL it and right now I have no idea how to live it.  I am scared. This part of me is scared.  This is why the resistance to writing was so great.  This is why I have been almost passing out each time I wrote over the past week.  This is also why I kept being guided to NOT go anywhere but to continue writing.  Any break in the momentum would have been hurtful during the break.  It is true I would have gotten back on course, but it would have been hurtful to the wounds that are in the process of healing.

The greater part of me, the true or authentic me, is thrilled with my progress in reconnecting and integrating my true self into the body. The part that is trying to live in this human body in a human world isn’t so sure.

I had been looking forward to an international quilt show that was in Long Beach this past weekend for about 5 months.  I made arrangements to meet people there.  I was all excited because I now live close enough to make it to one of these shows.

Then last week I began to be aware that I shouldn’t go.  It came to me slowly and I certainly did not want to know that.  Since I was also in the middle of a lot of intensity about writing a book I didn’t recognize that the symptoms of resistance included resisting knowing that I shouldn’t go to the quilt show.  I was resisting writing the book so much I couldn’t tell the difference.

On Friday I had a two hour binge with food.  Now I only binge these days when something is wrong spiritually or energetically and I don’t want to see it or am not ready to.  BUT the awareness was so strong that when I thought of going to the quilt show the next day my mind skittered away from it and I refused to ask myself if it was in my highest and best good to go.  I was going.

Well you know how it is when you try to ignore something your higher self wants you to know and you have committed to being in alignment fully.  YEP  it finds a way.  So later on Friday night I was in a conversation with a friend who just got back from India and what is one of the first questions she asks me?  You got it.  She asked if I was sure I was supposed to go to the show.  I shushed her loudly and groaned.  I whined a bit.  Then I allowed myself to embrace what I already knew to be true – it was NOT in my highest and best interest to go to the quilt show.  Then I spent some time feeling punished (which came up again today when my friend who went to the show called to tell me how wonderful it was) even though it was my higher self telling me not to go.

She said that it was not the drive or the crowds.  It was more about me getting intimidated by the artistry involved and then shutting down just when I was tapping deeper into a new part of my own creativity.  Since I had felt intimidated at an art quilt show at a local museum a few months back, I knew she was right.  So I called and cancelled with the people I was planning to meet.

I spent a lot of time writing or thinking about writing over the weekend.  Something was processing heavily under the surface on Saturday.  I didn’t realize what was going on until this morning. 

On Sunday it took me until 5 pm before I could sit down to write.  I had been dreading it because it was taking me a long time to recover from writing.  Each session has been very intense.  The book is going to end up being about my spiritual experiences, energy processes and intuitive visions.  However, I have been directed to write it so far as if it is a biography.  It is helping me recognize some patterns so I can share them properly. As I write, I have been reliving the energy of the past processing and visions and occurrences, healing and clearing even deeper each time.  After each time of writing I had to lie down for at least an hour to recuperate, often feeling very lightheaded. 

Sunday I asked for angels to use my hands, fill up my body and guide me through every word.  I asked for help in getting my head out of the way so I wouldn’t think about what to write, I would just write.  It worked.  I just wrote. 

It was still just as intense but no lightheadedness and no denseness occurred.  I realized all of that was part of the resistance to undertaking such a large project and to subjecting myself to reliving  and re-healing (or finishing up healing all that didn’t get to before) all that has gone on before.  This morning I have been excited about writing and it is flowing much easier.  I still need lots of breaks because it is so intense (hence this blog instead of writing more on the book) but there is no drag in the flow and no lightheadedness.

Had I stopped all of this to go to the show – and it would have been stopped for a little while – I would have delayed myself again from focusing solely on my current purpose and who knows what it would have taken to fully embrace the resistance and let it go?  As you know, things tend to get harsher and more dramatic the more they have to repeat to get our attention.  SO YAY!!!  For me.

Well I sure have.  These days I am earning about half of what I need to survive and I pay the rest out of some savings.  I am always searching for ways to make more money – including trying to find  ajob.  Today I took my car in for an oil change and tire rotation.  I also aksed for inspection of various other things (part of the coupon.  I found out I need to invest about $1500 to fix the struts and replace a tire.  That is slightly less than one month’s bills.  I didn’t even freak out. I just put a down payment on it so they would order the parts and left to do other things I had  planned.

The thoughts I have are wondering if I am numb or in shock, or I actually trust, or I am so overwhelmed iwth the internal shifts I can’t even focus on the financial situation or what??!!!  Or it has been so  bad that I just accept more bad news?  I truly have no idea. I do know that I have the money NOW. And maybe THAT is the lesson to remember.  Right now all is well.

 If things continue the way they are I will have one less month’s worth of money to live on.  But that will be 5months from now.  Even though a friend who is usually very accurate about these things does not see anything turning around for me until January or so – I still can’t freak.  Just don’t have it in me.

Regardless of whether I have healed my distrust or am still reeeling from recent internal shifts, I can tell you this is a big change.  Used to be it didn’t matter what else was going on I freaked at the slightest extra bill.  Heck, I think I did it last month with some extra doctor bills I incurred. 

Considering I definitley wore one of the DQ crowns (drama queen) I am pleased with this shift wihin me. 

So pay attention to your reactions.  That will tell you if you have shifted even when nothing in your outside life seems to be improving.

The writing of this ‘book’ is going easier than I thought.  I sit down to write and the words just flow.  Even better I can tell when I am in the ‘zone’ – ie the words I am using and the subject i am writing about  belongs – by how I feel.  It does seem to take a long time to write very little though.  I will be writing away, not paying attention to time, and notice 2 hours have passed.  But I have only written 3 or 4 pages.  Doesn’t seem like a lot to me.    It takes longer to write when I am not in the zone – when my ego/head interferes and wants to direct what I write about.

But then who knows why I am even doing this.  I am processing a lot as I write.  So the whole purpose may be to just release more stuff.

Flow is working in other areas right now too.  I placed an ad to sell my older sewing machine and the woman who came to buy it also bought a purse I made.  Now I had asked the day before for a sign that money was coming in.  Maybe next time I should ask for a sign that enough money to live on is coming in???  Either way I was happy to meet her (my cat LOVED her) and happy to have the money and her delight at my art work.

I am off in my food though.  But With all the process in the past few weeks I am ok with that.  I just have to find balance and so far dealing with food and exercise is not as easy as I want it to be.  The not wanting to eat lasted only a few days.  I still don’t crave particular foods but I want food sometimes just to deal with the nervous energy and whatever feels out of control emotionally.  I am assuming all of that will continue to heal though, like everything else.

I am writing so much.  I write in the mornings and at night to clear my head and energy – and to get any info my higher self wants to convey to me.  Then I write 2-3 hours (ok one day I wrote 4 hours) on this book.  Then I am trying to remember to keep up with the blog.  And for YEARS I said I didn’t like writing.  HMMM!!!  I do squeeze an hour for art every day – sometimes more.

It is interesting that all of this is happening at a time when the friends I usually rely on for support are not available.  It makes me turn inward more and rely on myself.  A GOOD THING!!!  I am kind of excited to see where all of this goes.  

Interested in life these days – yay!!!

ok – well the most immediate change I am noticing after healing the inner hungry part is that I am not craving food.  As a matter of fact, I have no idea what I want to eat and often have no real desire to eat.  It is weird to eat because I have to not because I am craving food.  I will get used to it though. This must be what ‘normal’ people are like??!!!!  LOL!!

I also received clear information this week about how and when to look for another place to live.  I will be moving by or on September 1st.  

AND (drum roll here), I have been intuitively guided to write the book I thought I would be writing 10 years ago.  The same doubt thoughts came up that always do when I am guided to do something I have been guided to do before (where nothing came of it) but I began the process.  Plus writing many coherent pages is not an easy thing for me.  I am good for short articles.  So this is definitely an exercise in trust.  I organized all my journal entries since 97 by year and month.   I re-read 97 and 98 and began a time line of important milestones in my spiritual awakening. I have no idea how to start the writing so I am reviewing the journals as it all tumbles around in my mind.  I have learned with art that sometimes you just have to start and the pieces often fall into place as I allow my intuition to manifest. 

Yesterday when I was doing this I became extremely lightheaded.  I had to lay down for an hour.  Some spirits were talking to me but I wasn’t quite clear enough.  I was left with the impression that this is the beginning of the opening, light filled every day life I kept feeling/seeing for 6 months before I moved here in Encinitas.  I am thrilled and hopeful.  I am doing my best not to attach to it but to enjoy and allow it.  I spent the day feeling very very light and changed.  I do not have clarity on what happened but I believe I was guided further into the new dimension I connected with last week.  Very exciting.

So what happens when you are working for YEARS for something in particular to change for the better and it seems like it finally is?  Do you feel adrift, lost, let down?  Well, I am scared.

On Monday I found the inner emotional hungry/needy part of me that never felt full or fulfilled.  In my vision, she was constantly cramming food into her but could never get enough. She showed up in a metal room with no windows or doors or ‘real’ light.  There were no chairs, pictures on the wall or plants or pillows.  There was no comfort in this room except for a table full of food.  But, like that well-known scene in Dante’s Inferno, the food never satisfied her, no matter how much she ate.  

I spent some time loving her and talking to her and imagining comfort being sent to all of the aspects of me that judged her, felt fear for her and were disgusted by her.  Then she began allowing some comfort and change. Finally I was able to begin opening up the walls and cracking the door to the room to let some light in.  Her starvation was because she had been cut off from my own inner light – or at least she thought she was.  As she allowed an inner angel to take care of her, more and more light poured into this room and the walls began to dissolve.  Then the light moved out to the area beyond the walls.  I then was taken even deeper into myself to many more areas that appeared to be cut off from the light.

It was an intense self-healing session.  And it has left me very vulnerable and emotional.  I have been very scared because I have no idea what I am like without these closed off areas.  I don’t feel ‘right’ to me because I am much more open.  What am I going to do if I am not blaming my lack of -fill in the blank here – on the fact that I use addictive behaviors to fill me up?  These behaviors include complaining a lot, eating too much or unhealthily or obsessing about what I am eating (and mentally beating myself up about it), and spending too much money.  Already I am reacting differently to food.  I cannot eat as much at once as I used to and I do not have the same eagerness at eating certain foods that used to numb me out.

I am happy I was able to work with this part of me and allow some healing.  I am scared at what it means for me in my every day world though.  I have spent the past two days alone and mostly reading or watching dvds, interspersed with lots of writing and praying.  All of this is integrating and a lot of old emotions are clearing, the emotions that created this part of me in the first place.  They were not pretty!!  But they are moving and I am getting calmer and calmer.

I truly have no idea what I will do with my energy if these addictive behaviors and the internal causes are healed.  So much of my time has been focused on them. I have used them to prove how much farther I have to go in my spiritual growth.  In other words, I have used them to help me feel small and not good enough.  What will I use now?  Or do you think I might consistently and consciously embrace myself as a realized aspect of God??

One of the things I am having the hardest time accepting is the up and down and in and out way I feel deliciously connected to my soul/god.  One day things are very sacred, the next they seem so mundane and boring.  I am doing my best to find the sacred in even the every day mundane aspects of life but I truly prefer not to even bother with them.  I suppose that may be part of the reason certain things surprise me so much – because I just don’t appreciate the physical reality I live in.

I am better than I used to be but I still notice plenty of days where I am caught in the illusion of boredom and depression because my heart doesn’t feel expanded by whatever I am doing.  I forget that I have intended to feel expanded no matter what I am doing.  I forget a lot.  

For instance, this morning I am sitting out side the library at 7 am in order to have free access to the internet while my cat is in the car (with the windows cracked and it is cool enough for him – I live near the pacific ocean) because I have to flea bomb the apartment for the 4th time this year.  I am looking for a new place to live but that has its snags too (my fears because I have no job and not enough income to really afford to rent an apartment).  A few days ago I was in deep appreciation for god, my connection to it and all the support I felt.  Today – not so much.  

It is all ok and part of the human way of growing.  I know things don’t tend to be linear in that one feels sacred one day and forever more all is ok.  Well, for me anyway – so far.  But since I was a person who completely denied the physical reality for a long time, I am pleased with my progress in that area.  I have not , however, completely accepted that this IS it.  There may never be a better time, I may never get what I think I want, and there will be set backs and boring times when I wonder just what the heck am I doing and why I made some of the choices I did.  

So for today, I am intending to appreciate life just as it is without wishing for something else.  I will think about it again tomorrow.

I love these kinds of days.  The kind of day(s) that come after big internal shifts and after the recovery period.  There is always a time where every moment is sacred and full of promise and joy, where it seems that I allow the flow and all is well in my world.

I feel nicely expansive yet totally grounded.  I received some good news from a doctor yesterday and my art is just flowing from me.  There are not enough moments in the day to make art.  I actually find myself irritated to take time off.  Like I said, love these days.

And I need them to rest in between shifts!! SHEW!!  On these days I can rest when my intuition says rest.  I can stay fairly neutral when talking to friends who are not.  I don’t feel like rushing to get anything done.  More importantly, I am in a trusting space, knowing God will take care of everything even if I can’t see it.  

I am really enjoying the day.

You know, I have read book after book of other people’s enlightenment process and have judged them when they wrote of having the same reactions time after time after time.  I wondered why they didn’t learn and why they didn’t grow.  Now that I am in my cycle of stuff I understand.  The reactions may seem the same but really more and deeper stuck emotions are just healing. And I wonder at my own inability to get over myself too!!!

So after I painfully and laboriously (ok maybe it wasn’t quite so dramatic as that but close) let go of my parents’ pain bodies on Thursday I felt empty. I couldn’t sleep that night or the night after.  Yesterday, I felt totally drained.  Thinking I must have forgotten to refill and refuel with my own energy, I tried that.  Nothing helped.

I channeled for myself and just got to stay in bed all day.  Well, I received some other information but nothing about my body’s tiredness except that I was integrating more of my higher self with my body. 

Then I talked to my friend, the hindu teacher/monk.  Thank God/our higher selves!!  She helped me identify and disengage from many different ego-aspects of myself that were upset and appalled at this change within me and were fighting it.  The parts included the baby me that never felt taken care of, the youngster that was angry and couldn’t let anything in, the part of me that blamed me for not ever being there and couldn’t trust that I would be there in the future, the part of me that identified with the blame, other parts that were hurt and emotional, plus more.  By identifying with these parts I was giving them energy and my overall integration was moving very slowly.  I didn’t have enough energy for them, the integration and my body. The fight seemed stronger this time.  I wasn’t stuck in anger but I was definitely trying to escape by withdrawing from my energy/body.

As soon as I disengaged, listened to them, loved them up and let them dissolve, my energy came back.  I became what I consider normally tired for someone who has not slept much for two nights.

I woke calm but became angry as I sat down to write.  Still some interesting questions about why I am doing all of this and why my outer life still doesn’t look the way I want it to.  I am wondering what I am doing to block and how much longer I am going to have to dig deep to release all the angst/anger/conflicting/blocking energy and emotions to allow what I want to come to me?  Why is it I can allow myself to be intuitively led for one day for smaller things but not for the major things that matter to me in the long run?  The cool thing is I am not feeling angry when I write these words but I REALLY would like to know the answer.  Or – I would just like to get over myself and allow wonderful things in my every day physical life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!