Ok I had quite a shock on Tuesday.  I was reading my journal in preparation for the next part of the book and found a day when a psychic friend of mine was giving me information about my uterus.  I had been bleeding heavily and constantly for months at a time on and off for over a year and had extremely painful (like screaming into a towel painful) periods for 3 or 4 year prior to that. I had been praying and doing energy work for healing for years believing it would heal from that.  I had read lots of stories of other people healing their physical illnesses through energy work and changing their lifestyles.  I was convinced I could do it too only I never stuck to any changes in my lifestyle, I just did a lot of energy work and clearing.

This friend told me she wasn’t getting much of anything except for that old story of the guy who was in a flood and turned down all sorts of help from humans because he expected god to save him in some miraculous and different way.  I even wrote at the time I knew that meant I wasn’t doing something but had no idea what.  NOW when I read it I am VERY clear I wasn’t allowing god to help through medical intervention.  I didn’t have any money and had never tried to get medical help with no money and no insurance so I wouldn’t even consider it. And, of course, my ego felt I would have that miracle healing.

As I realized all of this I began remembering all the times that I received that advice –to get medical help and how I ignored it all until the pain stayed consistent enough that I had to go to the emergency room.  Thank God I did since they discovered the cancer in the nick of time.

BUT I spent this week consumed with shame, sorrow and pain over my own hubris and how much I put myself through because of these convictions I stuck to.  I believe I lost 5 years of my life, lots of opportunities and money (because I couldn’t work) to this issue.  5 years that could have been spent happier and more alive.  On top of that my recovery has been longer because I was ill for so long.  Perhaps I healed more ego issues because it was harsher but I don’t know that.

I have been working on forgiving myself but it is slow.  I didn’t write anything for 3 days.  I just couldn’t face anything else or focus on anything. I am worn out from the inner hurt at what I did to myself and feeling very vulnerable. 

I am praying intensely that I never do this again to myself.

I am rereading my journals from 2003.  That was one of the years I thought I would be writing a book (there have been several) and I sat down every single day, sometimes twice, to channel information.  I am startled to see that in May for several days I channeled information that could have been coming to me today.  Information on the exact same issues I sometimes worry about today saying the exact same thing about where I am going and where I have ‘just’ shifted to!! 

ARGHHHH!!   I flipped out. Because the information was very positive, yet within 6 months the start of the worst 2 years of my life began.  No wonder I didn’t journal for 3 years after 2003.  I didn’t trust.  How could I?  I know, I know we get to revisit what we need to heal although it is most often at a deeper level.  But I tell you, I cannot handle going deeper into the fear and ill health and financial insolvency that came up during those 2 years after the wonderful channelings that came to me.

Everything inside of me tells me I am different now.  I am not creating from fear and I am more open, less ego attachment to how things should be.  But the fear is still there. I guess this all came about to give me  the opportunity to heal more fear??!!  Since I am still in the middle of it, I am not sure. Although I did just do a big shift to embody more of my higher self and live a more balanced life (balanced between living and embracing the physical and the spiritual).

I can tell you it is scary to see words that could apply to my current situation with absolutely no need to change even one single one of the words.  Same issues – food obsession, lack of income, isolation, etc.  Yet it feels somewhat different and that is what I am clinging too.  The ‘charge’ is less and it feels more like echos of worry left rather than the gut clenching worry I used to have.  

 I still have no idea how to feel about my future because I still don’t trust anything I am told by my intuition or anyone else’s for that matter. Too many times in the past that kind of information has proven to be wrong.  So all I am doing is writing and each time I feel a little bit of discouragement or dispair coming to the forefront I bring up the love I am and imagine expanding and lifting my energy.  I also pray for help in allowing help and in staying open to  opportunities to change my situation in my physical life.  And now I am going for a very long walk to try to use up as much energy as possible – it helps me calm the inner fears and mind chatter.

Today I looked in the mirror and winked at myself because I saw a beautiful woman looking back at me.

Perception is a funny thing.  Our perception of ourselves is usually dictated by how well we match what ‘others’ say is important.  Somewhere along the way I absorbed the edict that I was ugly, for many reasons but mainly because I was fat, or at least I thought that was the main reason.

My mother never thought she was beautiful or good enough, neither did my dad.  Both had pretty faces but both had other things that didn’t ‘fit in’.  My mom had a beautiful hourglass figure when she was young but her mom helped her feel ugly in so many ways.  Then after 4 kids my dad continued the tradition by picking on all sorts of things from the weight she didn’t lose to her smoking to what she didn’t do around the house etc.  My dad came from a family that was horrible to each other and he internalized all of that and projected it on us.  Add that to the fact that he was very insecure because he lost an arm to cancer when he was 10 and the sum was not a supportive or confident person.  It became the norm in our family for our parents to criticize us continually especially because we were all overweight, except my baby sister who was anorexic.

So in my 20’s I wouldn’t even look in a mirror.  My image in my head of myself was like the hunch back of Notre Dame, hideous and doomed to spend all of his life in a tower.  I can remember catching glimpses of myself once in a while in a mirror and wondering who that was because the image I saw didn’t match with the image I believed.  No matter how many times that happened I never changed my view of myself.  I gained more and more weight over the years and never really settled into a long term relationship with a man.  All of which reinforced the inner belief of my ugliness.

Well an interesting thing has happened in the past 10 years.  All my inner work on letting go of my parents’ pain and beliefs, society’s rules and regulations, and my own inner neediness and ego issues is paying off.  Having cancer boosted this along tremendously by cutting out the parts of my body carrying the worst of the negative emotions and by scaring me enough to take better care of myself and stay grounded to my body more often.  Additionally, in embracing my connection with the highest expansion of me or my true self I learned to love being in a human body and more importantly I am learning to love MY body.  I recently chose to go deeper into loving myself as god and had to struggle with the notion that if I did this I would never find a partnership with a man the way I want.  I chose it anyway.  I became aware that part of the reason I felt I was ugly as a fat person was because I thought no man would ever want someone as fat as me, never mind that there are a lot of fatter people out there in relationships. It is one of the limiting beliefs I was carrying around.  Seems like it was released when I decided loving myself as an aspect of god was more important.

So here I am going to be 50 in 3.5 months with a big vertical scar from where I had the cancer-curing surgeries, with a lot of saggy skin because I have let go of 60 lbs (lets not even talk about how my poor breasts look) and still hefty at 190 lbs (even though I am tall and carry it well), with some grey hair and very thin skin (ain’t menopause wonderful?).  I do not have my nails or my hair done, nor do I wear make up or a lot of jewelry or the latest styles in clothing or shoes. My posture isn’t great and I have to wear clunky shoes because of the orthotic inserts that allow me to walk and stand without pain for any length of time. I may have the energy of a 20 year old but I pretty much look my age.

And today when I looked in the mirror I enjoyed how beautiful I think I look.

When I write about or read about going with the flow the focus is usually on letting go of resistance.   There could be a discussion on what resistance looks like and the toll it takes on your body and your emotions, often including the reminder that resistance is a barrier to your higher self/ the universe/ your angels in creating what you desire in your every day physical life. 

There is another side to going with the flow that I am really attuned to lately.  I have alluded to it in some of my writings but instead of being an intellectual concept or an intuitive knowing it is now a way of being and has been a natural result of my letting go of control on the deepest level possible while trusting that my higher self will take care of the healing, releasing, realigning and integrating needed for my emotions, mind, and senses.  It involves timing, even more trusting and allowing.  Even if I do not resist changes I might be trying very hard to make something happen.  Perhaps that is resistance in another form but it feels differently to me.

For example, I am writing a book.  Some days I push myself to write even when I don’t feel like it because I know I am supposed to be writing.  Well I am not resisting the urge to write but I am certainly not going with the flow because when I am processing I don’t always need to be writing too.  When the processing is complete and I sit down to write, I can write pages and pages and pages.  When I push I may be able to write a paragraph or two at the most and it doesn’t feel good.

Same with walking.  I have diabetes and would like to let go of more body weight in the hopes that it will lead to me being able to get off the diabetes medications (the side affects worry me).  So I push myself to walk, beating myself up emotionally when a day goes by and I do not.  However, I notice that when my energy is level or high walking is nothing and I will walk the distances I need to exercise my body.  When I am doing deep processing I am using up a lot of my body’s energy and sometimes it is BETTER to not walk that day or only do a short walk.  But I push or I don’t but I am mean to myself.

Not only have I surrendered by the fact that I am not resisting the guidance from my higher self, I am surrendering my need to make things happen in my timing and the need for me to follow whatever ‘rules’ I think are set up for me.  What is true one day may not be true the next.  I ask my inner/higher self each day what is right for me.  Most days I listen and act accordingly.  Sometimes I don’t but that is fodder for another blog!!! LOL!!.

I have been doing a lot of healing of inner pain and angst over the past few weeks. I moved into a new frequency and let go of a lot of protection that I had set up inside of me.  This protection had to go since it was preventing me from embodying the higher vibration of my soul that I craved.  Since then all sorts of inner hurts have been courageously showing themselves.  I already talked about my inner victim and need for a mother and how that has been healing.

Tonight I had to go sit in a warm tub with some apple cider vinegar in it.  I was out of Epsom salts and needed something both healing and detoxing.  I began crying.  I felt within me a part that was fighting a change and I felt where it had been housed within me.  I also saw and felt the higher aspects of me that were trying to help me heal this.

This conflict came up every time I tried to write in my book over the past few days.  This part of me is afraid of too much change in such a short period of time.  It is afraid of me not using food to numb out.  It is afraid of me knowing that I don’t need to have a lot of people around me to be ok.  It has been afraid of me being so connected to source that I don’t worry about money.  It is part of the inner drive to control, to strive to make things happen rather than trusting that I will allow, and it is part of my self-imposed limitation system I have used to make sure I stay entrenched in duality,  It has helped to keep  me small.

I felt so sensitive in this area kind of like a hurt gum feels when you suck in cold air;painful and raw I asked for help and allowed my higher self in all its aspects to support me.  I imagined myself in the lap of god.  I imagined this part comforted and fed loving energy. I saw it separating from me and being led away by angels.  It was led to a beautiful place within god but not within my body’s energy.  It was severely agitated even though there was a lot of help around it for it.

Although it sounds weird to say it, I don’t feel it was part of me but something I took on at some point and it has been influencing me ever since. 

I then watched as healing energy filled up the place where it had lived within me and as shifts occurred throughout all of my energy in as many dimensions as I could see.  I hear it will be easier for me to write from my heart now and not just my memory.  I also hear it will be easier for me to be quiet and internal for as long as I need to be.  I wasn’t sure I would be able to do it.

I am tired but calm.  I have been allowing quite a few of these kinds of healings of old hurts.  Some are from issues I adopted because of my culture (I am Jewish) some from my biological family and some from the soul family.  With each one I notice less and less worry in my every day life.  I also notice I am getting calmer and slower and more peaceful.  It is noticeable and much appreciated.

There is a beautiful bit of prose that has made its way around cyberspace about different types of friends.  Some are in your life for a short time, some for a season, some forever.  Well I just experienced a first for me.  I have a friend with whom I have been doing a LOT of processing for 6 years although I have known her for 15 years?  She went out of my life for a time when I first began this impossible journey 10 years ago and reappeared maybe 5 or 6 years ago. A little over a week ago we realized that our paths are diverging and while in deep spiritual expansion with each other our higher selves told us it was time to end our friendship as we have known it. I have been in mourning ever since.

I have had to let go of people as I have grown and have had people who have kicked me out of their lives (or dropped me).  This is the first time I have had the pleasure of working with someone who is as aware as I am.  We discussed it, emoted with each other (cried a lot) and said good bye.  It still hurts tremendously and I am scared because she has been so helpful for so much of my processing. I also miss her.  She is a monk and her life is taking a more aesthetic turn.  We can get together to celebrate god (meditate, pray, whatever) but not to lean on each other for our own individual processing or to chit chat. I am not sure I thoroughly understand it except to say we were definitely co-travelers on a very steep spiritual evolutionary path and now our paths are diverging.  

I am working on trusting my own courage and consciousness.

So I am really noticing patterns in my life lately as I wrote yesterday.  One that gave me comfort this week is my processing pattern.  It reminded me of the steps I go through so that I could let go of a worry that cropped up during a particularly scary place in the pattern.  The timing of the steps is different depending on how deep the issue is but they tend to be similar.

It usually begins with some sort of build up inside of me.  It feels like pressure build up but it is usually energetic rather than physical.  Then I begin eating a lot.  Then I stop sleeping much.  I get a bit desperate emotionally.   Sometimes I send emails to lists I am on to solicit advice, sometimes I just call every friend and acquaintance who is psychic for information. I think I skipped that last step with the last go around because I have been guided to be more self-reliant.

Then there is the breakthrough.  Most of the time the breakthrough comes in some kind of vision while I am working on myself energetically (or I have help working on me).  Sometimes someone says something to me that changes my perspective and the breakthrough comes that way.  Either way there is an opening so old beliefs or patterns can release or heal, usually accompanied by some emotional release.  During this period I am often tired and cranky – partially from all the emotional release and energy work and partially from eating too much or eating foods my body doesn’t digest well.

Then comes the release or healing of fear.  The bigger the issue (and lately the issues have been huge) the bigger the waves of fear that come up for healing or releasing.  That fear could be of what might be next, wondering who I am without the issue I released ties to, or just old fear I was holding on to that was masked by the healed issue.  There may be a bit of piece after the fear or not, but the next step is all the other negative emotions that may or may not involve the issue.  This week it was pockets of disappointment about how my life has gone and how it looks like it may go in the future.

Then there is a time where I do not feel connected to my higher self and it seems my intuition isn’t working for me.  Usually it shows up fantastically and much stronger when I work with others during this period, just not for myself.  Of course, I get scared thinking I have made the wrong choice or something is wrong.  This time I remembered about an hour or two into this part of the phase that I go through this.  WHAT A RELIEF!!!

Somewhere during all of this I usually have a lot of body pain cause by resistance and just old emotions and energy being stored in the body.  This time my neck and feet were affected.  Once everything processes the body feels great. 

And there are the immediate days (or hours) following all of this where I feel wonderful.  I feel light and pain free and full of hope and light.  I am in one of those days today.  I took the morning off and went to the movies and have just been enjoying the day.

I have no judgment about the pattern I usually follow for processing. I am happy to have articulated it since conscious awareness usually means comfort for me.  Plus like I wrote, I can accept the harder parts of it easier and perhaps even not go through them.

I have been reviewing journals from 1997 on.  I found some material I channeled for myself in Jan of 2000 I decided to share here.  I love it.

Sometimes you let the winds carry you along and sometimes you grab what feels like a steering wheel to navigate.  But unless you are going with the flow, the energy you expend is tremendous.  Picture trying to move sideways, say east west, as the wind, at gale force, flows directly at you from the north/ south.  It is very difficult.  It takes less gas and effort if you just go with the flow. 

How you go with the flow and how you interact while you are going with the flow is your individuality.  Your individuality also shows up in how you enjoy (or not) going with the flow and what type of vehicle you choose to ride in, etc.  It isn’t the destination that is important it is how you handle the flow and your interaction with others as they handle the flow.  Do you waive and say hi to those you pass?  Are you as friendly with those who pass you?  Do you understand that it is just a flow and that you are no better or no worse than those you pass and those who pass you?  Do you pity those who look like they are standing still? Can you open your mouth and breathe in the flow and live on it?  Are you looking for all sorts of ways to block that energy within you – i.e. eating, drinking, etc? And when you step out of the flow, when you make a decision to get out to experience something, do you step back in as easily and freely or do you get attached to whatever you stopped for?

That flow is the breath of life for you. It regenerates you, lifts your spirits, feeds your soul etc. 

[I asked:  How do you get into the flow and how do you know if you are still in it?]

By the feel of it.  Are things smooth in your life?  Can you manifest what you want?  To get back in the flow open your heart to love and joy.  These are easy words to say but not as easy to do and may take releasing lots, finding another teacher, sticking a toe in to test the waters so to speak, etc.  But it is what you crave in the deepest depths of your soul. 

Lots of flotsam and jetsam will come by you in the flow.  The question is how to handle it.  Some of it  will hit you on the way by, other bits will pass you by and may hit your neighbor.  You may be tempted to grab onto pieces thinking it will make things easier for you or you may get sidetracked into thinking the pieces are important.  You flow easier and faster without being weighed down by the driftwood. This driftwood could be material things but it could also be people, places, ideas, behaviors.

Well I know it is better since I woke up with no pain and no apparent fear.  I did have another bout with doubt and deep disappointment over where my life seems to be going vs what I think I want to do with it.  But otherwise things seem to have calmed down quite a bit.  The best thing?  I am sleeping again!!  YAYAYAY!!!

I am also back to writing.  I think I am writing a book but it may just be an exercise in revisting stuff I need to still heal. That is one of the disappointments I am experiencing.  I thought I would be writing a book and then lecturing on it.  I got many psychic readings that it would be well received.  Now I think it is just a way for my higher self to get me to do more healing and I am looking for a job.  None of this has to be mutually exclusive but I would prefer to never work for anyone else.  I don’t think my preferences matter with regards to earning a living – at least not at this time. I am trying to practice accepting what is but you can tell by my writing I am not there yet.  Maybe I missed my opportunity and the timing is wrong?  Maybe it was just my ego wanting what was never going to be? Maybe I need to let go and accept that I need a job NOW and what I want will follow later? Who knows??  

As I write my life story I am struck again by certain patterns. I have been given many opportunities to revisit them in to heal.  But each layer deeper brings new twists to the life issues.  Right now I am dealing with my deep need to find a parent type person who will love me unconditionally and support me and with whom I feel safe.  I have never had that and am trying to find it within me.  But I am seeing how it colored my interactions with so many people for so many years.  Maybe I am slow but I am amazed how it comes up over and over and how it leads to unhappiness in my communications and interactions with teachers, friends and acquaintances.  I had a breakthrough around it this past weekend and am now getting to revisit other aspects of it.

It never ends!! LOL!!

Written last night.

I am terrified and trying to stay grounded and centered all at the same time.  I committed to making god my priority. Now I have been acting as if that were true for a long time but in making this commitment I agreed to let go of all the inner conflict about it.  I agreed to not worry about money, to not focus on my lack of local friends or a partner, and to not think or say anything that indicates or intends that I will give it all up if it doesn’t go my way.  I also consciously recognized that at this level of existence I am not in control of my own healing; that it is enough to intend the healing and then allow my higher self to make it happen.

On top of all that I agreed to take 72 hours to comfort my fears and pray and meditate on all of this, without my normal ways of distracting myself from my fears and the intensity of all the changes.  Those distractions include eating out, shopping, watching DVDs, spending lots of time on the internet, and talking to friends (mostly trying to get their opinions or intuitive readings on whatever situation is up for me).  It has only been 11 hours and I am so scared I can hardly stand myself. 

I am breathing and reaching out to my higher self for reassurance that all is being taken care of.  I am reassured and the fear is still there.   Saying I trust, knowing I need to be the energy of trust at this level of my spiritual development and ACTUALLY trusting are sometimes different. 

So I am practicing.  Each time I try to direct any healing energy I stop and thank my higher self for handling it and remind myself that the comforting light of god surrounds me.  Actually I imagine I am in the lap of god (if god had a lap) and so are each and every fear and other emotion coming up. I imagine surrendering again to god.  Each time I reach out for reassurance and I get it, I remind myself that my mind is not as powerful as my higher self and can be limiting.  I also remind myself how much healing I have done, how much work I have done in reaching beyond the shackles of duality and illusion, and how my higher self can respond pretty fast these days to help me shift old energies and emotions (a lovely benefit of all the processing I have been doing).

The fear is still there and my reaction to it is still there.  And I am living with it and not stuffing it down in anyway.  ARGHHHH!!!  LOL!!!!  This is so intense.  Seriously intense.