I had a dream last night of being totally lost in the city I grew up in.  I was trying to get to Taylorsville Rd (a main thoroughfare) but ended up driving far on freeways and still having no idea where I was.  I had maps and I asked for instructions and still couldn’t get there.  I finally stopped and talked to some people who told me I was nowhere near there.  I remember looking around wondering where I was and how I was going to find my way back, when I woke up.

BUT as I was waking up I heard very clearly in my head that I was trying to go back to the place I was and I cannot.  I am going to a new place and I do not have the full directions or location yet, but I am getting there.

I have been struggling more than usual over the past few months.  I made a momentous change, along with the earth’s energy, to integrate more of my higher self into the physical.  I had been focusing on being extremely spiritual and it was time for balancing.  But the struggle, born from intense fear, is that all of a sudden everything felt so different and I panicked.  I have not had the best of times here in the physical world and all those memories came back as soon as a higher version of me tried to settle within the physical body (because the physical body is now clearing at a deeper level and shifting to a higher vibration).  I found myself doing things I used to do  - going to a sewing group, trying some other familiar groups and events – to regain my equilibrium.  I even fell back on an old pattern of trying to connect to some people through complaining – connecting through my wounds as Carolyn Myss calls it.  Luckily both of these people called me on it right away.

So this dream was an answer to my frustrated prayer for help about what has been going on.  I am able to be calmer today.  I would love to have the answers about where I AM going but clearly answers do come in the right timing.  So I am thanking my higher self for the support.

When your higher self wants you to know something, it makes sure to get your attention.  Thank God and myself that I can sometimes pay attention before it gets too drastic.  There was a time when that wasn’t true.

Today I participated in an email discussion about how sometimes once you have done all the healing you can do and learned your own skills and talent all you can do is follow the waves – surrender to destiny and the energy flow.  My part of the discussion was to say I am not good at this!!  He pointed out the wisdom.

Then when working with a client we supported the healing of an overlay of helplessness/hopelessness that was assimilated at a certain level within our energy fields, i.e. the feeling of not wanting to continue healing or showing up in the present moment because it wouldn’t make any difference.  This is an issue I have been struggling with for a long time and have been very frustrated that I can’t seem to move it. During the session I was told that it was not possible to release the helplessness/hopelessness before 9/9 because the energy of earth and the human mass consciousness was not ready.    It is such a big issue that a certain amount of energy at a certain level of the human mass consciousness had to raise to a higher vibration before we could heal it individually.

So more proof that sometimes waiting is important and it is all you can do. I clearly need to pay attention to timing for those issues I cannot seem to heal or release.

I have been writing about coming into balance because I am in the midst of a deep integration of intense spiritual knowing and understanding with the emotional stability I have accomplished into my physical world.  I am keeping up with the earth’s evolution in this area.  It is time to support my physical self in evolving vibrationally as much as my spiritual and emotional self already has. 

This is very difficult for me in that I do not find great joy in the physical world and get very annoyed at anything in it that requires constant maintenance – my car, the apartment (cleaning it), the plants, the cat, and my body.  I also have discovered that there is still a great part of me that doesn’t really want to be in this body and doesn’t like it.  Not because of the body I have but I just don’t like being embodied at all.  I keep making the choice to stay here because I know it is the right thing, but I am not in love with being here.  So how do I change that in order to allow good health and complete integration (my mission in this life)?

I HAVE NO IDEA.  LOLOLOLOLOL!!   I bet you thought I would be listing all the things I knew to do.  NOPE.  After 7 years of dealing with this I still have no idea and no idea where to go to get help. 

I have a friend who claims that as things get better for me in this life I will enjoy it and embrace it more.  I thought all the intense spiritual work I have been doing would lead to that.  However, while it has allowed a great deal of healing emotionally, it has not brought wonderful things in my physical world.  Something within has kept all the yumminess from manifesting physically and I am not sure what the barrier is (I have worked on it and allowed healing, it is still there).  So how do I manifest better things here when I have an underlying dislike of even being here?  Kind of like that old chicken and the egg question, don’t you think? I want it to be better so I like it more but in order for it to get better I have to like it more.

What I AM doing is trying some things recommended by a medical intuitive I saw yesterday (Caroline Sutherland) to have more physical energy and better health, continuing to look for a job to help the finances, and attempting to go to any and all group meetings that seem even slightly interesting so that I will begin to meet and connect with people.  My hope is that connecting with more people will lead to more business or a job, some sense of community and, perhaps, local friends.  The meeting thing has not worked well for me yet in the 9 months I have been in Encinitas, partly because more than half the time I am intuitively guided not to go and partly because I have not really connected with too many people who want anything except to sell me something or for me to help them intuitively.

I am sure this process is like any other.  I struggle and get discouraged during the transition phase until one day an AHA moment occurs and the rest proceeds smoothly. The difference is that the physical is so much denser than the emotional body and a lot harder to change, plus it is just not as much fun for me to work with.  However, I know that in order to walk in this body on this earth as spiritual AND as integrated as I am being called to do, my physical body must catch up.  In order for it to hold the high vibration of me it must heal even more.  So I am willing to do what that takes (right now anyway).

I am praying for acceptance of this and release of any resistance so it seems less like slogging through the mud and more rote like brushing my teeth – just something I do because it has to be done but without the whining and drama.  

Was the equinox intense for you?  I am not sure if it was for me!! LOL!!  

I was doing some more releasing of family stuff, letting go of hooks from family members and all sorts of other people that have been in my life with the same issues and, as well as further integration of the higher frequencies of me into my physical body.  Since that was already intense I am not sure if I even was affected by the equinox – or it could have been that was the result of my bring affected.  Who knows?

What I do know is I am back to a place of trust after 2 weeks of internal chaos and physical lack of energy.  I did begin a new Thyroid med on Saturday and that seems to have helped a lot.  I am very grateful that I pay attention to my physical body’s needs now. I have to since my whole focus right now seems to be full integration of all the spiritual intensity into the physical body.  

I am thinking once this phase is over I can then support myself better around the few chronic health issues I have.  I received clear intuitive guidance not to do anything drastic yet about healing my set of symptoms labeled as diabetes.  Wouldn’t it be nice if this integration results in spontaneous healing OR allows me to go get the healing I need for it?  

So at this equinox time the air feels different.  There is a sense of calmness and crispness that feels nice and clear.  Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  I know that for today I need to write more of the book and that a walk would be good. I do not know what tomorrow will bring or my immediate or mid way future.  It is a bit crazy-making but that is ok.    I am still not completely comfortable living completely in the moment without being attached to goals but I am aware that is what is happing right now.  It is a very different way of living for sure.  

So that is what is going on with me today in my little world of spiritual evolution.  Hope you are enjoying yours or are content with it.

Well, I finally started feeling better yesterday afternoon.  There is a lot of processing that goes along with these shifts in energy.  The channelers talk about all the new influx of energy and our choice to go with the new, stay in the old and suffer, or leave the planet.  Well there is a LOT more to going with the new than just choice.  There are the ensuing internal shifts to catch up.

I know when I am very tired or in pain or very emotional there is some place inside of me where I am resisting or just haven’t quite been able to let go (I might be trying but need help).  I sat down and went internal for some deep processing on Sunday night.  I allowed light/healing in places that felt very congested.  For instance, when I looked psychically at my second chakra there was still some heavy energy, energy of a vibration quite a bit lower than the rest of me.  I found this in the 2nd chakra and the 4th and 5th chakras (heart and throat areas).

I also asked myself what choice had I made? Did I move into the new energy?  or is part of me still in the older, harsher, energy?  Apparently I had not moved fully into the new energy and that was also contributing to my lack of energy and general fuzziness. I asked all the healing aspects of my higher self to help with that.

Additionally I haven’t written much since I woke up feeling completely different on 9/9.  In the old energy I had more choice about writing.  In the new it is so intrinsically tied up with my well being that any choice not to write feels bad.  So I sat down yesterday and wrote more of this book of mine.  I also did some art (which I had not worked on since last Monday).  I feel much better today.  I could tell yesterday as I was writing that I was integrating more of the shifts.

The biggest change I notice is the lack of psychic noise.  I thought somehow I had just been cut off from myself or I was numb or something.  I didn’t understand that the energy/psychic noise of the lower energies was creating so much stress for me.  I was too attuned to them. Not any more.  And the quiet has been deafening.  It reminds me of when I had been living in San Francisco for a few years and went to visit cousins in Denver.  Driving outside of Denver with wide roads and lots of land and no cars scared me – there was too much space.  I was too used to driving in the crazy, crowded, narrow streets of San Francisco.  Suddenly I am not compensating for all the noise I have always been aware of.  When I talk to people with whom I was close before 9/9 who chose not to move into the new energy I hardly hear them either (with my physical ears).

 It certainly is interesting integrating all the changes.   Not too much can be done ‘the way I am used to doing it’.  I am learning moment by moment.  I have been through this on a smaller scale before – thank GOD!!!  So this isn’t as hard as those times.  It sure keeps me interested and appreciating life a bit more.  I find I am meditating more and talking with my own higher self/guides more also.  At the same time I am emerging back into the world after about 6 months of isolation.  Nice balance.

So I woke up on 9/9/09 feeling so much better than I have in a long time.  I am more grounded and a lot less chaotic internally.  My body is quite sluggish though but that could be the high humidity that I am not used to – or it could be the result of a lot of shifting and raising the vibration of my physical self.

I was feeling as if time was running out the weekend before but now I just feel more content.  I have taken steps to open some new doors for me.  I put an ad in a mew magazine, requested a listing on the website of a local new age shop, made arrangements to a few new meetup groups and began connecting with cancer support groups to talk about the emotional journey and support needed during such a trying time.  I am a little stuck on the book though.  Kind of a little lost but that too will pass.

The point is that I am clearly moving into a new phase of living rather than just processing all the time.  Thank God!!  This is what I imagined being more centered and grounded in spiritual awareness would be like. It would involve inspired action – taking action based on intuition and not being wedded to any expected outcome.  Now I am just moving into this phase so I could still be a little too idealistic but we will see. I can remember when I left Sedona being convinced that all the fast spiritual evolution was done and it actually sped up and got much more intense.  So we will have to see.

Either way I am now dealing with the part of me missing the processing and letting go of any victim mentality.  I am reminding myself to take inspired action rather than sitting around complaining.  I am reminding myself that some time things take more time (MUCH MORE TIME) than I want.  And that if there is pain or I just don’t feel good to find the inner resistance and heal it, before taking action.

A new phase for me and for many of us who have been growing consciously for a LONG time.  It is going to take time to get used to what I call actual living – interacting each day with the every day world in n intuitive way – rather than processing mostly in isolation all the time.  I am looking forward to it.

Serapis Bey, and ascended being who calls himself the Ascension Master, looked at me with all the compassion of the universe and said,’ You chose to wake up fast, I am sorry.”  This happened to me during a class I was taking from my spiritual teacher, a trance medium, whose spirit would basically leave her body (remaining attached by the silver life cord) and other entities would talk through her.  

I looked at her as Serapis Bey and wondered why he was being so compassionate and why he said he was sorry.  I was thrilled I was going to go fast.  I like going fast and my ego thought it made me ‘better’ somehow.

Well now I know.  The ensuing 11 years have been beyond intense and horrible and wonderful and dramatic and sacred and miraculous and soul breaking and soul thrilling.  Yesterday the AHA moment hit.  I saw that because of my own agreement to meld both the physical/mental side and the spiritual/intuitive side without lessening either of them the focus pendulum HAD to swing back and forth to its maximum before I came to a center of beautiful integration.  I am now at that integration point.

So I HAD to dive completely into focusing on my spiritual evolution to eventually gain the balance I wanted.  I am an extremely intelligent, educated, experienced and competent person in every day life who moved up the business and financial ladder fast when I was much younger.  I then basically went into what my friends used to call woo – woo land just as extremely.  I went deep into myself for a lot of healing of me, my family, human mass consciousness and the earth.  It was a commitment and calling I felt deeply.  I began trying to bring all of that into the physical world through seminars and a business a bit too soon and then considered myself a failure because I couldn’t manifest what I wanted in the physical world.  It certainly allowed me to do healing on my self-judgment.

Now I know that I am not a failure.  I know I have done something for myself that I do not believe I was able to do in other lives (at least that is my intuitive sense).  I am experiencing the space of the center and I am letting myself settle in here.  I am very aware that from this place I CAN manifest in the physical world.  Today I feel that probability. I believe I have healed enough of my own self-worth issues and moved out of duality enough to allow it and certainly have explored the opposite extremes of the beingness that I chose to experience on this earth in the current body.

I know my mind is running away with possibilities – what does this mean for me?  What can I create?  While at the same time I am reminding myself to not become attached to ANYTHING that pops into my head.  One of the main things I have learned is that I cannot imagine how things can be at a higher vibration when I am still in a  lower vibration.  I am not quite integrated yet and opportunities change as my energy changes.  So back to writing the book and being centered.

When I write these blogs I am writing about whatever is happening that day or the previous day.   I am usually still awash in the feelings that have arisen from whatever energy work I am doing or is triggered.  So you often get a snap shot  of something big – that feels good or bad – and I try to include how it affects me every day.  

This spiritual healing stuff isn’t for wusses.  It can be hard and taxing and intense.  I know some have chosen for it to be easier – God bless them.  I have not been one of those, partially because one of my core issues is that I do not like physical reality and never have.  So far no matter how much I heal and no matter how many horrible things happen to me to snap me back into dealing with the physical world, I still don’t like it.  YET, it is not my time to die.

I know that is part of the reason I ended up with cancer.  And to be truthful it has been the most successful experience at getting me to deal with my physical reality – body, money, living arrangements etc- on a more consistent basis than anything else.  I HAVE healed a lot of trauma/drama/fear/pain/anger stuff so being in my body is not as bad as it used to be.   I am hoping that will help me balance all of this out.

This summer I believe I did do some ‘backsliding’ (can you tell I was raised in the bible belt south?).  I was withdrawing a bit from physical life again, not having any idea how to make things work or how to allow them to work.  I tried a lot of groups, networking, ads etc when I first got here in Encinitas and had very little response so I withdrew and began doing a lot of processing and focusing on spiritual growth.  I need balance.  I believe being led to write a lot has helped in that respect.  It is reminding me how far I have come, how much I have healed so I can let the part of me heal that still thinks every day reality isn’t where I want to be.  This persistent belief/fear has kept me from manifesting all the wonderful things that I and every other psychic has always seen around me.  Hard to manifest in a reality/dimension you don’t really want to be in.

So I am here.  I am in the physical body. I have received the information over and over that part of my goal in this life is to find that balance between extreme spiritual awareness and enjoying my physical existence as part of the world, not isolated in a monastery.  Somehow having the information intuitively and intellectually has not been enough.  I have needed to heal all the hurt and internalized oppressions/limitations that kept me from being able to enjoy a physical life. I do not know if that has happened but the internal PUSH to balance out all this spiritual with more physical is strong.

I don’t actually know what to do since I believe in inspired action and so far my intuition is pretty much just telling me to write, make art and walk.  I do get positive feelings about looking for a job but no directions (ie what field, where to go etc), and, quite frankly, if I am not going to be earning money in a spiritual business or from art I HAVE NO IDEA what I want to do.  I know how I want it to feel – I want to be busy, I want to have fun, I want to be around people not stuck at a desk in a lonely office, I want it to be fairly casual and I need some freedom in the job.  I have been applying since March with no responses.  I am sure some of that is the economy but I KNOW most of it is my internal desire to not be working for someone else.  HOWEVER, part of accepting physical reality is that if I am not making enough money through the means I want, I need to be ‘realistic’ and get a job. I just don’t believe in spending a large amount of time doing something I don’t like.  I don’t think the energy mix would be a good thing and it doesn’t fit with my spiritual beliefs.

I think I have worked through the resistance on this now but you never know.  See how for me the spiritual work is so entwined in practical matters?  I am sure it is for most people they just are not as hyper aware of it as I am.  So I am intending that all resistance drop and that I open the doors to a job that is perfect for me at this time, and that clear guidance come to help me connect with community, friends and potential clients.

So I am reading a journal I wrote in 2003.  At that time I also thought I would be writing a book and channeled or journaled every single day.  Sometimes fantastic information came through and sometimes I just talked about my own processing and feelings.  

I notice the same words being used in some of the channelings and in describing my feelings that I would use this year. At first I was freaked out about it – did I screw up? Am I back sliding?  Did I waste 6 years of my life circling around and not heal anything?  But as I read more and more I see and feel how different it is.  Some of the issues are the same because they are life issues that I have not healed yet.  But the feel of it is totally different.

I am more happy than not these days and more calm than not.  I might still be confused about my life but I am open to whatever possibilities come to me.  Before I was very wedded to my life going and looking a certain way.  I am very aware of how much more optimistic I am these days.

On the surface it all looks the same, like I am still struggling with the same issues and have made no progress in my healing or my life but as I either take a big step back or inward I see so much more love and ease, and cherishing of myself.  I can see that I have made huge progress in healing much of my issues with men and with needy women who mirror me.  I am so much kinder on and to my body.  I am calmer about my lack of financial abundance (although there is still lack in that area).  So my emotions and energy are both better.

However, I can also see where I have NOT created this ‘better-ness’ in my physical every day life.  I am still very much alone in my physical life (very few friends, no local community etc) and I still don’t know what to focus on to create some financial abundance. Funny, now that I am open about working in a job I can’t find one.  

I know all of this is percolating within me and something is coming up for noticing and healing.  At this moment I am not sure what it really is because all of this stuff I write about seems like symptoms rather than the issue.  The good thing with me is that once I begin to notice patterns I tend to allow healing if I want it. So with all this I am noticing and the issue about being a monk or blending that intense spiritual with a physical life, I seem to have a lot stirred up right now.

I am handling it by writing a lot and meditating a lot.  This time when I meditate I just open and float.  usually when I meditate I try to get answers.  I do not want to push this time.  I do a lot of cleansing visualizations to make sure I am free from others’ influences and desires and fears.  Then I meditate more.  I am trying to be balanced about this and walk a lot and spend some time out and about – having some conversations with people – and attending meetup groups and receptions for the art guild.  But truly most of my focus is on the writing and on making more art to try to sell and this processing. I know I am getting ready to move into a more outgoing phase in my life.  Just trying to hold on to that knowing and not push for it to happen faster or miss it because of how long it has taken to get here.

It is a beautiful day in Encinitas CA today.  It is sunny and 82 degrees.  I am enjoying the sun from inside an air conditioned cafe with internet access, drinking Morrocan Mint tea.  I have been processing some panic today.

I think I know the issue but not sure why the panic.  I know there is more healing on a deep rift within me.  Somehow this rift involves my inner confusion about choosing between being a monk and being a person ‘of’ the world.  I always thought my path in this life was to marry the two – walk in the human body as open as I can be to being god but out in the world too.  However, I have to admit the idea of being a monk is very seductive.  Who wouldn’t rather spend all her time meditating and communing with spirits or the spirit within beings and land etc?  I certainly would.  

I am sure the allure is the best indication that it is not the right thing for me.  Yet for the past 10 years I have been trying to ‘heal and integrate’ so that I can get on with having an every day life – a job/career, partner, friends, community, physical comfort, etc.  I have done a lot of processing and every single event and person that has come into my life has helped in that processing in some way.  But this year has been oneof alienation and isolation.  So I am not sure where I am going with all of this.

Is the inner conflict I have experienced a result of the fact that I should be a monk and I am resisting or is it because I am trying to heal the addiction to being a monk as an escape from dealing with the phsyical world? Someone told me yesterday that the sign my Jupiter is in indicates I was born to be a monk and would have a hard time resisting it.  Apparently Buddha had his Jupiter in the same sign.  Perhaps I chose that specifically to enhance my growth from using being a monk as an escape?  I truly don’t know and have no intuitive feel about it at all.

The only thing is that I am sure that something is changing right now.  The writing helped it – a cause or a symptom or a result – not sure.   I am also not sure where the change is leading or how to be comfortable while it is occurring.  I try to make art and I end up ripping everything apart and putting it all away.  I have been able to make some jewelry, it is quite different than the colors and components I used to put together, but I am only able to work on it about 15 minutes at a time.  I just lose interest or get too irritated.

More than that, I spend a lot of time roaming around not having any idea where to go to settle down or to feel more comfortable. Even walking on the beach isn’t working!!!!   I am sure that is because of the fear of the unknown that is also being triggered so nicely with the all of this. Unfortunately, I periodically still use food to try to numb out even though it stopped working a while ago.

I recognize the symptoms of great change but it doesn’t always make it easier to go through them. However, with the exception of the occasional food binge, I AM letting myself go through them.  I am not pushing to go faster and I am not trying to stop it.   I am meditating more and writing every day to relieve some of the fear and stress.  I am trying not to call everyone I know and unburden to them – a new thing for me.  I don’t want to be influenced by their opinion and I don’t want to stress myself out by trying to come up with precise words to describe what is going on because sometimes striving for that preciseness limits the process. 

The tea helps calm me, lots of writing does too.  Not too much contact with people also helps.  The beautiful weather is soothing too.  Staying out of the apartment away from my talkative cat who is not sure he is comfortable with what I am going through also helps (poor thing).  And I am just embracing the change trusting that I am being guided and helped every step along the way.