Isn’t it funny what we do to ourselves?

For years I have had issues with giving.  I love to do it yet I have also used it as a way to try to get other people to like me or accept me or pretend they do.  Then I would get resentful that I was giving an not getting anything back.  I worked on my issues about needing so much, about the leftover emotions from being born to parents who were incredibly selfish, about re-creating that in every romantic relationship, about cultural fears that created the inner desire to be needed and to always have material things to give,  and about loving myself enough to believe people can like and support me without me giving away all my money or things to them.

I realized recently that I am basically a giving person at the core and have been trying to get back to enjoying it for all of this life (and perhaps many other lives too).  I want to be able to share lovingly from a place of knowing that all my needs are always met and that I am thoroughly loved.  It is the very thing that seems to be at the core of most of the issues that I have been healing during my spiritual awakening journey.  It makes sense to me.  Why wouldn’t a grand awakening to my authentic self involve healing everything that kept me from knowing something that is very true to my inner core self?

Well, I discovered something that made me go aha.  I also thought it was rather amusing.  Here I want to give from joy yet I have a lot of damage around feeling fulfilled enough to even know joy.  THEN I realized that I have had too much hurt to allow myself to receive anything.  So, in the past,  I haven’t been able to receive any love or support EVEN if it is offered because of old fears about what obligations or pain might come on top of whatever is offered.  Sometimes even now I don’t allow myself to accept or feel support, from friends or god.

So I want to give but feel empty and resentful because I feel unfulfilled and want others to help fill me up. BUT I don’t allow myself to receive.  GEEZ!!  Talk about being between a rock and a hard place

I imagine I have done this for many inner core issues but the learning to receive has been up very strong for me recently so it is freshest in my mind.  So I suggest for everyone reading this – if you have struggled with the same issue or pattern for years, try looking at it from another perspective or the other side of the coin.  You may find your block in an unexpected place within you.

I am happy that I am allowing a very deep healing with these issues.  One of my deepest desires is to belong and participate in a loving community.  I know healing the receiving and giving issue will go a long way to make that comfortable for me!!

I have been struggling for over a week to write some articles.  I wanted to write a channeled one and several others to submit to various websites and ezines.  I wanted to write more blogs describing all the incredible changes I am going through in order to share with everyone, and it HAS been incredible this past week.  I definitely stepped into a whole new phase of existence in this human body.

However, all I managed to write was two blogs – one talking about my deep panic about money that turned to actually be about fear of ‘moving’ forward in my spiritual evolution and the other one about some of the techniques I used to abate the fear and a small portion of what I had learned about it.  I sat down tonight to write about a cool discovery I made on how to know a core aspect of our personal  nature but it was like grinding gears to get the words to come out.

It just isn’t time yet.  Like my art projects, writing cannot be pushed either.   I was in a space of incredible inner silence and complete fulfillment on Saturday (which I hope to write about soon).  I wanted to capture that in an art piece.  I pulled all the fabric out and tried to get an idea of the arrangement and just ended up with a headache.  I went outside and sat in the sun in contemplative sacredness.  The entire completed project popped into my head about an hour later.  Writing is the same – I get guided to write when the time is right.  When I am not listening or following my guidance it is like grinding gears or nothing comes out.

There is a lot going on and I haven’t sorted it out yet.  I don’t know how to explain clearly the leap in consciousness I took this past week.  Nothing I would write would be complete because I haven’t completed my integration of all the changes.  For someone who is pretty conscious about changes and likes to know what is going on as it happens, this is new.  But I am accepting that at this level of being things are different.  I can see some of the results – my readings/healing sessions are stronger than ever, I am letting go of a lot of art supplies (!), I am spending less time on the computer, I am not enjoying the same kinds of books I used to, I have slowed down a lot, I am more patient (THE BEST RESULT EVER), and I am MUCH calmer about my money situation.  I cannot spend any time complaining about anything or contemplating anything I used to worry about.  I also don’t seem to be able to veer even slightly away from being in alignment with my higher self or I get bad headaches or other body symptoms. But I will write more about all of this some other time.

Right now I am accepting that integration and rest time is needed. Sometimes I don’t get to know what is happening exactly while it is happening, if at all.  I have moved to a new level of trusting and accepting and self-responsibility.

SHEW!! The emotional, energetic and psychic roller coaster seems to have slowed down some. I can now write again.

I tried a lot of avenues to calm down since last Friday and want to share them with you as well as my observations and realizations, in case any of this can help you.

Here’s what I did: I signed up for many websites that will publish articles and pay something or advertise my services, I joined a bunch of surveys-for-cash websites (don’t – I only made $25 in 4 days), I contacted a couple of websites that have online psychics to get the process started to do that for income, I applied for about 15 full time office jobs and with one staffing agency, I participated in a worldwide holographic healing call with Reggi Shelley (FANTASTIC), I worked with gifted healer Linda White Dove, I got some advice from another healer, I used cold medicine to sleep when the brain wouldn’t shut up (I had a cold but I rarely use cold medicine, this time I did), I did my best not to complain too much, I ate soup from a can just to make my life easier (instead of eating homemade, healthier soup), and I participated in a beautiful meditation last night. I tried to write but mostly I just expressed my anger, panic and sadness. I watched funny you tube clips. I did not force myself to walk. I really, really, really appreciated all the incredible support I received from friends and email buddies and Facebook networkers. I let myself absorb that to the depths of my beingness.

The results? Well I am calmer and more grounded. I allowed a lot of healing of my first and 2^nd chakras so I can ground to the physical world better. After a lot of back and forth during which I had it all planned out how I would sell or give away most of what I owned (including my beloved furry companion, Panther) to move across the country and stay in an ashram, I remembered that there must be something I get to choose and decided and declared that I am staying in Encinitas and put down deeper roots here. I loved up the fears over and over. I was finally able to raise my vibration enough to allow higher aspects of me to do some amazing healing and reassuring last night (and I felt it in my body).

I recognized that some piece of my ego was on the verge of balancing but was crabbily holding on to one last piece of something that needed to shift, no doubt some last illusion of control. That was the source of the immense panic (the money situation is just a symptom and a distraction). The conscious shift began last night and is almost complete. I still am not aware of any clear intuitive guidance as to what to do and my choices have not panned out. So I am still stumped but I am not panicked like I was last Friday.

Some part of me really must have needed to blame myself and the higher, more evolved, aspects must have really wanted to trigger a certain level of energy/understanding in all sorts of other people. After sharing my blog last Friday describing my disappointment and fears I received a lot of feedback. A few people were magnificent and compassionate in their responses and offers of support. Others, well, let’s just say NOT!!! I am sure I triggered their own fears but I was saddened at some of the things that were written and said to me (some by my closest friends). Then I was shocked that I responded with so much pain but I had a lot of pain crying out for healing anyway so I am now grateful for the extra ‘help’ in going deeper. BLESS YOU ALL!!! I mean it from my heart.

Because I have said some of these things to myself and I KNOW some of you have said them to yourselves I am listing all the different ways I attracted blaming and abusive energy and comments, with the caveat that I am now clear that I have made no mistakes and I was not wrong or a bad person because of any choices I made:

1.    You blocked yourself all year from finding a job, you were frantic all year and it blockedyou from finding a job

2.    You have to give up your dream and come back to reality

3.    I told you to look here or there for a job but you didn’t do it.

4.    Maybe now you will get off your ass and hustle more to find a job. (!!)

5.    I knew you were just running your money out and nothing could come of anything you did last year (and now you have to give up your dream, etc).

6.    You really didn’t put enough energy into looking for a job and now that you don’t have any money you will be forced to really focus on it.

7.    You are trying to do the wrong thing.

8. You are using the wrong words when you speak of yourself and your situation and should change.

9.    The signs were there that what you were doing was wrong, you should have paid attention better.

What I said to myself when the pain was the greatest: I am a failure. Why did I ever leave my secure job to pursue spiritual growth if it was going to lead back to needing a full time job? How can I trust my intuition if following it seems to always be wrong (in hindsight)? Maybe I should just go live in an ashram and serve the head guru since I can’t seem to make it in the world.

I have no idea how any of this is going to play out. I am aware that since I have committed to intense spiritual growth in a human body that my higher self will always guide me to the path with the most growth (I will write more about this in another article) so this could just be a step along that path. I sometimes wish I could ‘fit in’ better so my poor ego could be assuaged a little bit rather than feel like it is being forced to lose or give up all the time. I also wish my ego and the inner pain would heal gentler and easier! LOL!!

But today, I just hope that I provide the opportunity for clear intuitive guidance as to how to allow myself to be supported comfortably in the physical world in Encinitas, CA.

OK I admit it. I am terrified. No matter how much processing, sitting with it, re-parenting, breathing, meditating, distracting or imagining I do, I am still terrified. I have comforted myself with the reminder that every choice I make tends to be for deep spiritual growth even when I am not aware of it, and I am still terrified.

My ego (the inner judge and blamer) tells me that no one will want to work with me if I admit that I am terrified about what is happening to me financially so I have been trying to either not talk/write about it or be very positive when I do. The truth is even gifted healers and intuitives have their own stuff to deal with. I hit a wall last night and all I can do right now is admit it.

I know I am one of the luckier ones because in 2 months when I have no more money I can sell or give everything away and go live in my friend’s ashram. It is not what I want to do or where I want to live geographically, but it is available. At least I have a place to go to and a working car to get me there.

I have done everything I have been intuitive guided to do (that I was aware of), I have worked on this fear for a year, I have consistently and constantly looked for a job, I have marketed my business, I am doing my best to give of both my time and my money so I am not so constricted energetically and still not enough money comes to me and I am not in a situation where I am supported by others for my physical comforts (i.e. no family, no community, etc). I do believe that had I been more frugal these past few years I might have still had enough money for about 4 more months, but that could just be me judging myself and I can’t do anything about it right now anyway. It is done.

How is it that I can be so powerful and gifted as a healer and intuitive for everyone else but can’t create what I need in the physical world? Although even as I write that part of me reminds me that up to now I have been ok (perhaps not getting what I want but definitely what I need). It is only the reality of my bank account and the math that tells me the money running out that has me terrified. I want to be more in the now and not worry about the future but we are talking a month and a half. That might as well be now.

So today – more walking to drain off some of this excess energy and more inner work to break the stranglehold of whatever is blocking me from functioning more adeptly in the physical world OR whatever keeps me from accepting that this is perfect and all will be well even if I end up with only a few small appliances and some cloths in an ashram.

But I am asking for help. I am asking for supportive prayers and healing energy from all who read this. May I find a way to connect with my inner abundance and find a way to create that in the physical world. May whatever growth I am generating from this be quick (MUCH quicker) so that I can shift this energy.