So how does one accept what is when one DOES NOT like what is??  HOW????

That darn ego. Part of my ego’s emotions is include an inner saboteur. It shows up subtly telling me not to do things that will help me live life fully or telling me to do things that will block me from doing the same. Sometimes it isn’t so subtle but sometimes it is.

I have had a hard year. I have felt stuck pretty much all year until about the end of May. And slowly, oh so slowly, I am opening up again. So when a customer at the bead store where I temporarily work mentioned an upcoming craft fare, I gave her my number to send me the info on it. I figured if she called I would follow up, if not I wouldn’t worry about it.

Well she called. And since things HAVE felt stuck all year and this seemed to come to me easily, I called about it. I went and got my jewelry juried in to the show and sent my application and deposit in.

I have been merrily and madly making jewelry ever since. Then in the wake of so much processing and opening up (see my blogs since June) I was feeling kind of vulnerable. I became aware of my inner disappointment I was still carrying over how my life has gone in Tucson and in general. As I was channeling I asked about the craft fair. The info that came to me was that the whole point was just to get me to create something every day and not to give me more money. I received the info that I would be reimbursed for the money I put in, but not much more.

Well that sure took the wind out of my sails. I have spent a lot getting the supplies I need to finish many pieces to have enough to sell. I like creating but not at the speed I need to in order to be ready for the fair.

Then today as I was talking about so many things with my monk friend (including my ego) I found myself saying that it wasn’t true. That info came to me as a way to sabotage myself. I have been loving myself so much, my ego felt afraid and needed to fight back. So it interfered with my own channeling. I was afraid at how fast things were going and how different I really felt after all this opening up.

I have no idea if I will make a decent amount of money at this craft fair or not. But I do feel renewed interest in making jewelry. I am amazed at how tricked I feel and at how crafty (pun intended) my ego actually is!!!

How do I know the difference when I am channeling clearly or my ego interferes as it tries to hang on? Well I guess I don’t. I guess it will come to me in talking to others or from others who are incredibly intuitive. The key for me is to surrender no matter what and not get caught up in the specificity of the information.

SIGH!!! That surrendering thing has got me stumped. I have to admit. But I will be going to Sedona for the next few days to do just that. To surrender to what is and accept what is - again and again and again.

On Thursday I was sobbing (once again) about wanting to feel loved.  As you know, I have been working on that issue all summer, starting with integrating a part of me that at one time DID know how to love myself.

As I was sobbing I kept saying out loud that I am loved, I accept abundance and love, I am loved etc etc etc.  Then I heard the most loving, gentlest voice ever say correct me by reminding me that I AM love.  I only have to accept myself.  I felt it. I felt an opening in my heart chakra to that.  I felt the knowing truth of it.  So I said it over and over “  I am love.”.  I felt the light that is me blossom out through me.  I felt the bliss of it.

Love can never hate itself or anything that is part of it because it is ALL love.  It is all love.  That means even the judgmental parts of me get to be part of love.  That means even my body which functions even with all the negative thoughts I have about it gets to be part of the love.  That means there is no separation between me and love.  It is only a trick that I have been pretending that I am not love - like I pretend sometimes I am not god.

Intellectually I have understood this for years.  But on Thursday I dove into a deeper level of me to absorb it - to BE it.

On Friday I woke up cranky and out of sorts.  I felt bored and apathetic.  I didn’t even want to create art (so NOT me).  Nothing interested me yet I felt driven to get out of the house and go somewhere, anywhere.  I wanted to eat a lot (a sure sign I was out of balance).  I began talking to a monk friend about it and had to hang up to focus on a vision that was coming to me.

I had a another visit with this beautifully compassionate divine mother energy. She was ’standing’ in front of me (I say she although the energy shows up as energy rather than a person to me).  I was invited to let go of a lot of old stuff I had been holding on to.  This old stuff helped create a barrier between me and knowing I am the love I am seeking.  I bent over (in my vision) and put a lot of things down.  I didn’t see what the things were, I didn’t care.  After I let go, a very gentle surge of energy carried these things off.  I felt other parts of me letting go also.  Then in my vision I changed from the adult to the child that felt I needed these things because of the hole where I stopped feeling that I was loved.  It was wonderful.  I cried happy tears and in the space of minutes was calm and centered again.  It changed my whole day.

Yesterday and today I have been a bit emotional as the rest of me gets used to how different I feel.  I actually craved greens all day yesterday. A wonderful proof that I was calm again.

Well I changed a lot in my life Monday. I am still shaky about it all. In one day I cancelled a trip to an ashram, quit one of my part time jobs and changed my schedule at work. It took me until today (Wed) to get back settled in my body.

A friend said these changes were a result of a decision I had made and that I no longer needed to go to the Ashram.

During the past 3-4 years I have been having an internal conflict about continuing to focus on my spiritual growth. I have liked the visions, the helping humanity and the earth, and the visiting other dimensions and realities more than my life on earth. However, my life on earth has been filled with lots of loss and loneliness. I have experienced a great deal of illness and harshly pushed through resistance as I hurled myself forward in my growth (at lightening speed sometimes) to make sure I could continue to help on a grand scale.

In times of great irritation and stress, I have said that I just want a ’small’ life ( a ‘normal’ life) with enough money to live on, a mate and a community that I enjoy. No more intense processing etc, no more believing I would be helping lots of people through their own spiritual awakenings. As soon as I said that and began to live it, I would then get sick or go into turmoil and be right back processing and changing intensely all the time. The inner conflict around what seemed like two opposing choices was intense and created a lot of psychic noise.

So my fear has been that I chose to let go of the spiritual aspect of my life; that I closed the door on something I should have left open.

But I am coming to realize the decision I made is different than that. It is a decision to integrate; to stop seeing these choices as opposites. I do not need to grow in isolation on an ashram. It is ok if I do not expand my awareness as fast as I might have if I went to the ashram. I don’t need to be a guru or expanded being that cannot function in every day life. I can be as spiritual as I wish and enjoy physical life too. I can live from my heart and just be.

If you read Karen Bishop’s articles on Whatsuponplanetearth.com you know many are now able to put down the mantle of assisting the earth shift through their own energies. I was having a hard time doing that. I think I might have done it now!!!

Perhaps the decision is to grow more from my heart and not my ego. To truly surrender to being in alignment with my higher self regardless of how that turns out. Since I am still fresh in this new direction I do not know. All I know is that there is an alignment that was not there before. There is an inner peace. The psychic noise of some internal conflict that used to constantly play in the background is gone. That is enough for now.

Well it has been an intense week for me - how about you?  I have experienced ascension symptoms more intensely this week than I have in almost 3 years, when I was making big huge leaps and bounds but through a lot of resistance.

Today I finally just went to bed.  I asked that I receive help in surrendering.  It felt like I was being twisted inside.  The energy was so high.  Plus I tend to feel the earth shifts in my body when they are particularly intense.  But I think today had more to do with my own resistance.

I usually am pretty clear about what is going on but this time I have no idea what I was resisting.  It could have  just been a drag on my own shifting.  I know I had intuitive visuals of large bubble of lower vibration energy transforming.  I went deep into myself and found where I was hiding a golden nugget.  I thought I saw/felt/sensed (sometimes it all blends together) angels take it gently from the part of me holding on and placing it in its proper place.  I felt an immediate calming.  I also psychically saw various oppressed emotional parts of me heal.

Then I began to see a line of energy within relax.  From my throat through my third chakra had some energies bound up - twisted vertically.   As they untwisted, I also felt more relaxed.  In order for this to finish however, I had to go to sleep.  I intended and prayed for help in shifting thoroughly and let myself go to sleep.

Now, hours later, I have less pain and intensity but still am experiencing the pain ‘hangover’.  I am sure that will heal soon.

I am going to an ashram next week in Southern GA.  The monk there has powerful and free flowing connection with her higher self.  Last time I went there was a lot of clearing, integrating and shifting.  I also came home with a clearer guidance for the next part of my life.  I am hoping for the same this time.

I sure hope everyone reading this is taking good and gentle care of themselves, especially if you all are experiencing this shift as strongly as I am.

One of the wonderful results of all the processing over the past year and especially the past few months is that I seem to have let go of the perpetual anxiety I used to experience. I didn’t realize how systemic it was until it let up.

However, now, I can not tolerate anxiety at all. I went from healing it to not being able to tolerate it at all in a week (I think).  If I let myself dwell in anxiety for longer than a few hours I get slammed with allergy or cold-like symptoms that get worse and worse until I reground and shift my focus to a more expansive one. This isn’t any different than my reaction to processed food, complaining (whether it is me or others doing the complaining), or any other lower dimensional stuff.

It really helps keep me from ‘backsliding’ and is immediate.  All I need is the part of me used to this old habit to catch up.

Moving into the higher dimensions has some interesting affects - no??

Funny - everything I read talks about being in communities and all I want to do right now is be by myself.  I feel no urging to join anything, meet anyone, or go anywhere.  Frankly there are days when getting to the grocery store is too much.

I know I am in the right place right now - or at least I am staying where I am for this month and next.  But I also see that I am not part of a local community at all.  I still feel comforted and reassured that all is well.  So I am doing my best to trust the timing for me.

I, like many people, wonder if I detoured off the path too far and it is taking so long to get back that it might be much harder than it could be.  I can be full of doubt from time to time.

When I wonder like that I sit down to meditate.  And I actually get that the ‘hard’ parts are behind me.  I am more in alignment now with my higher self and purpose than I have been in a long time.  That alignment will allow ease - it may not look like I thought but it will be easier.

I have been making jewelry a lot lately.  At first I thought it might be for a show and I was excited at the thought of earning more money through my art.  But now I am convinced that it is just to keep the creative juices flowing and keep me focused on something I like for a decent amount of time.  I may still sell or trade some of it.  However, I am less attached to what happens to it.

So I connect with my inner guidance much more these days.  Often I am not asking for guidance but for reassurance and comfort.  I always get a response that immediately calms me.  Then what I was wondering about is no longer important. I am hoping that means that I am open to and clearly recognizing where my soul alignment is taking me.

So two things in my life have made a HUGE difference.  Opening to the part of me that can feel love and finding a fabulous Naturopath who gave me great herbs and aminos that allow me to sleep.  I slept for 3 nights in a row.  First time since before I had cancer.  It is amazing  how calm I am and even tempered when I sleep. 

For the first time ever I also feel full now if I eat too much.  I actually have to think about what to eat because I am not feeding my addiction, I am eating just to eat.  Since I am actually filling my inner emptiness with love rather than food, everything has changed.

Isn’t it amazing the changes that happen when we evolve spiritually?  I am also feeling less needy and  no need to push for information about my future. This week I have been more accepting of where I am spiritually, financially and emotionally. 

It is easier to manifest good things in your life when you let love in, when you appreciate the good things.  I can’t wait to see what is next.

This particular blog is incredibly long and somewhat convoluted but such an incredibly miraculous breakthrough happened for me this week that I wanted (no – needed) to share.

One of the reasons I have always cited for beginning my conscious spiritual path was to heal my relationship to food.  Ever since I can remember I have used food to make myself feel better.  However, after eating a lot of it I felt bad for being out of control and for the increasingly negative toll it was taking on my body. No matter how much I ‘worked’ or focused on it, I couldn’t change my patterns and addictions. I actually went into panic every time I just decided that I HAD to change and forced myself to eat on a particular schedule and only certain foods.  I also became very angry at the feeling of being deprived to the point of abandoning each effort to eat healthily.

It has only gotten worse since I was diagnosed with Diabetes a few years ago.  My internal self-blame was turned on high and I could not relax at all.  This anxiety and stress was making everything worse for me, even more so than my food choices.

Then there was the shame.  Here I was, experiencing one incredible spiritual and intuitive expansion after another, assisting many people in their own spiritual evolutions, and I couldn’t heal this within me.  I never cut myself any slack around it either.   Many, many, well intentioned psychic friends and readers reminded me to trust that I was being taken care of, that it would shift when I was ready, and that I was on the right path at the right time.  Some of them were even successful at assisting me in calming down.  But it never lasted too long.  We won’t even get into the number of people who thought I should just make the choice to stop eating so much and it would all be ok (don’t you wonder how these people survive their own lives sometimes?).

Finally after months of physical illness and other stress related symptoms of resistance (including some scary hair loss), I was able to surrender a bit and get some intense help.  In June I integrated a part of me that knew how to love myself.  Since then I have been intensely releasing inherited tendencies and beliefs (inherited from my biological family).  I agreed to spend this month (July) trusting that I would be taken care of, making lots of art and swimming. I stopped watching TV again (got rid of the cable so I can’t even if I wanted to).  I spend my time off work alone as much as possible, as quietly as possible.

Of course the inner panic got worse.  Isn’t that the way it always is before you get ready to make a big shift?  It is for me.  The part of me holding on to the old ways fights even harder to hold on.  Also, two friends that I had relied on in the past let go of our friendship.  I was definitely being guided to go inward for this shift.

Then I took some time off in July (last weekend) and spent it making art.  It is a calming thing for me to do. I also had an appointment to exchange healing sessions with a wonderfully talented acquaintance who lives in Sedona, AZ. Interestingly enough, another healer who I allow to help me called and told me the only appointment she had during the next two weeks was the same day as my exchange, a little later.  I took it but then had a very strong reaction of needing to cancel it.  I didn’t.  I am incredibly glad I didn’t because I needed the intensive that one day to address this issue.

During the exchanged healing session my acquaintance shared the information about when I cut myself off from feeling loved in this life.   She reminded me that I ‘fed’ the panicked part of me (panicked because I cut myself off from feeling loved) with all sorts of addictive behaviors, including eating.  I have stopped most of the other addictions (with the possible exception of anger) but was panicking about changing my relationship to food because I hadn’t healed the underlying cause all the way.

You know, I remember telling someone when I was 19 that I ate to fill the empty hole within me.  But it made no difference in my behavior. There have been other times in my life when this info has come to me but I wasn’t ready to heal the underlying source because of too much fear. I am hoping I am well on my way to this healing completely.

During my recent healing exchange, we worked on letting love in, releasing more family stuff that was in the way, and embracing the 7-8 year old within who was dissociated completely from my conscious awareness.  I even know the exact moment in this life that this occurred.  I have discussed it during therapy sessions earlier in my life.  But again, wasn’t ready to put all the pieces together or to allow healing on a deep level.

Before this I could intuitively see and intellectually understand that other people loved me but I NEVER felt loved. NEVER.  No wonder I have been lonely and angry and yearning (craving intensely really) connection with other people, probably to the extent of trying to suck them dry in my neediness.

So later on that same day, the same issue came up again but because of different symptoms.  My throat has been spontaneously closing off and on for a few months.  I thought it might be allergies or leftover from all the illness I have experienced this year.  The healer said it was an 8-year-old part of me and my reactions to her experiences (in this and other lives).  She also said it was in my 1st and 2nd chakras (which I have been releasing from and healing intensely since I had cancer there 2.5 years ago.  She worked on the patterns around all of that that.  I slept through the whole healing session, which I never do.  But there was so much releasing going on, I would have gotten in my own way if I had stayed awake.

So the rest of this week I have continued integrating and releasing.  On Friday (yesterday) when I went in, I saw that although I was integrating this part of me there was still a huge metal door that had slammed shut.    I opened it and walked into the most incredibly loving light – THAT IS ME AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN ME.  It was such a miracle I actually wasn’t sure it happened or if I just wanted it to happen.  Then I got a call from a psychic friend and she remarked on it, giving me the outside confirmation I thought I needed

Today, when I check inside I see light, roses and love.  Before all I tapped into were places that felt congested and needed healing.  Today I see the amazing healing already happening.  I am full of gratitude again.  I feel it today.  I FEEL it.  What a miraculous breakthrough.

This is a synopsis of a recent realization I experienced.  Just didn’t feel like writing it all out so bottom lined it.

FEAR OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY.
LOTS OF SPIRITUAL REASSURANCE THAT MONEY IS THERE AND
I WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF AT ALL TIMES.
AGREED  DURING A READING IN SEDONA FOR ONE MONTH TO BELIEVE.
STRUGGLE.
FEAR.
INTENSITY.
UNEXPECTED EXPENSE AT DENTIST’S.  UPCOMING TRIP TO ASHRAM AND NEED TO RENT A CAR.

CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW WILL AFFORD IT AND TOO UPSET TO REMEMBER THAT MIND WILL NOT KNOW AHEAD OF TIME.
TOOK MONEY OUT OF DWINDLING INVESTMENTS.
ADDED UP ALL BILLS, ONLY TO REALIZE MONEY IS THERE.
SHAME.
PRAYING THAT IT NOT BE TAKEN AWAY.
PRAYING THAT THE REASSURANCE/GUIDANCE NOT BE WITHHELD BECAUSE I DIDN’T LISTEN.

REALIZING IT IS ALL MY CHOICE.
GUIDANCE ALWAYS THERE.