WOW!! Embracing being human fully is a trip. I just went to another level of this during this past week. You know, it is a lot easier to appreciate the earth from this integrated and more fulfilled energy space.
Throughout this intense spiritual journey I have not been terribly successful at bridging the gap between the incredible moving and loving spiritual growth and my every day physical existence. My understanding has been that I don’t get what I want, I just have to surrender to whatever comes. I have even had to decide several times if I wanted to stay on earth. I have to tell you it was a decision by default – it just intuitively felt right to stay. I have never enthusiastically or even fearfully (because I was afraid of dying) thought I must stay.
I have healed this from many angles but new information came to light the other day as I once again wanted to release the thought that I don’t get anything I want in this life. I discovered the part of me that held itself back from the total human experience. I felt disdain about being human, as if it is a lower form of existence. I also felt I could not do my job here on earth if I merged too far into being human. My job was to save the world, which I know is leftover from many lifetimes where I assimilated the responsibility of saving various groups/villages, oh yeah, and the Jews (yes, the whole culture). It spilled over into my human life in many ways but the hardest was that I don’t let myself get too deep into relationships (in case I need to move on – physically or spiritually) and my whole life has been about working – working on myself, working to earn money, or working to help others or the world. I have done a pretty good job of releasing the need to save anyone but not in integrating this part that held itself separate (or balancing the work aspect with much of anything else). That is why I have had a continuous impression/feeling of not belonging here and wanting to go home (that I know many lightworkers experience even if it is perhaps for other reasons). And really, that 'saving' job is done so I had no idea what the heck do I do with myself.
This part of me identifies very strongly with the higher dimensions, the universe, the cosmos, anything but grounding to earth. The other day I found myself identifying again strongly with the part that just doesn’t want to be human BUT this time I also saw the loving part that is firmly embodied and expanded into the oneness; and the gap between both. After some intense releasing of other energies, expectations, and sadness at how my human life has been so far I began to embrace that loving energy. The deep inner barrier began to lighten up. It was very very slow and actually has taken many days (and it is not gone but MUCH lighter).
I am calmer, my body is more relaxed and I can see the light on earth easier now. It is also easier to be a compassionate witness to the people around me without needing to jump in, judge or run away. I find I am learning to treasure relationships, down time, breathing, nature and just being in a way that I couldn’t let myself before. I am excited to see what comes
my way from this more fulfilled, accepting place of existence.