I had an epiphany the other day. Ok it was after years of hearing the same things from many different sources but never believing it, not even once. I am not wrong. I am not too fat, too tall, too smart, too direct, too blunt, too honest, too emotional, too saggy, too old, too unhealthy, too spiritual or too loud to attract a partner.
But what does that leave? The very thing I was afraid of – ME!!!
I think this knowledge floated across my consciousness some years ago but I shied away from really getting it because I didn’t want to believe I am just not loveable. Of course, that is where my inner saboteur goes – if it isn’t my body or my demeanor then I must not be loveable.
But that isn’t it either.
I made an agreement with myself before I was born that I would not let myself be distracted by a relationship from achieving immense spiritual growth this life time. I also have craved approval and some way to fill the inner love gap from others, almost demanding it as a condition of friendship. That has translated into not having long term love-partnerships with men, not having children and not allowing close friendships with anyone. I couldn’t seem to get that agreement or the inner craving changed so I really embraced a lot of self-judgment to distract me. Well, as with everything illusory, I can no longer hide behind any of that.
Through amazing spiritual growth I have learned to love myself more and more and can no longer support the theory/belief that anything with my body or personality is wrong, not enough or too much. I have also learned that what I am truly craving is total self -approval and self- love and expansiveness.
These days I am going through a period of learning to love, accept and support my body. After all, my body is my energy also and if I deny or dislike this part of my energy how can any other part of me feel loved and accepted? So I am who and what I am –God/Universe expressed perfectly in this divinely created human body. Knowing that, I intend to release all limitations to any and all relationships that supports the highest and best version of me here on earth.