I know my commitment is to my spiritual path in this life and everything else is sublimated to that. I release, surrender, listen to my intuition to serve the greater ‘good’ the best I can. However, I discovered recently that I am not as surrendered or humble in my heart as I thought or desire, as it appears that there remains a part of me that still sees/feels serving is only about others and is just waiting for the time when it will be my turn to be served and celebrated.
That time for me each year is my birthday. That is the time I expect there to be celebration of and for me. My ego really wants other people to join in that celebration. After all I support others a lot during the year shouldn’t there be at least one time when I don’t have to give, when others give to me and celebrate how wonderful I am? Yes I am aware of how that reads but that is the truth of this part of me (read on before you get too judgy). It is also part of the way I have gotten through some of the harsher lessons of my ascension/spiritual growth process.
This year I got a huge does of humble pie for my birthday as no one was around to celebrate me. I had expectations of my friends and family around my birthday and they did not fulfill them (and the one family member I had NO expectations of actually wished me happy birthday in our family’s traditional way). I was heart sick because I thought I was creating a better life with people who I could count on to be there when it was important to me. On top of that, everything I wanted to do fell apart – even to the level of trying to get gas for my car that day (the place was packed).
I went home after the gas fiasco, realized I was getting very dramatic about all of this, calmed down, and reached inside of me to nurture the part that has never felt loved or celebrated; the part that will do for others so that at some point others will do for me; the part that holds so tight to the expectation that at least on my birthday someone will act as if they love me and do something fun with me – even maybe pay for it to help me feel special. I also embraced the part that has wholeheartedly (or as whole as I can get) served to help humanity and individuals, from clients to strangers, with the expectation of seeing change within them in a way I judge to be better, and possibly getting some kind of ‘reward’ from the universe.
My big birthday revelation is that serving is VERY different than I thought. It involves surrendering so thoroughly to the love that is ALL of us that there is no part of me searching for love or validation outside of me or for any kind of reward from anyone or the universe. It means I serve my highest good, knowing (and intending) that it is the highest good of others too. It means I exist as the love energy period – no need for return of it in a certain way from others at any time. I serve myself as the expanded all that is, that everyone is, because I too am love. This way I can truly assist in anyone’s and everyone’s fulfillment of their divine purpose and passion.
It was a hurtful lesson with fabulous results.
One of the most beautiful results is that I am taking better care of myself and finally addressing some pretty scary health issues. My outlook and actions are different now in every area of my life.
I joined a gym with tons of classes and have been enjoying everything my intuition tells me to try. I am not fighting the need to exercise but I am not pushing myself to do what my body cannot to assuage any fears or ‘shoulds’. I am going to the beach every day to sit in the sun and meditate, relaxing into gratefulness as a way to ease me into such an expanded awareness that I need the exercising to help my body hold the energy. I am not panicking about money, I am embracing that I am always guided and provided for and, lo and behold, money is flowing (a bit slower than I like but at least not dammed up). I am making appointments with clients at times that work for me instead of dropping everything I had planned to be there the moment they want me. And I have energetically let go of all the friendships where I do not feel uplifted when I am with the person, and where the relationship energy is based on old issues rather than just fun and companionship.
All in all best birthday gift ever. Thank you to all of you who made it possible.
PS – I did have some lovely birthday wishes from some great people (including lots of facebook friends) just not the ones I expected or through I was close to.