I was going to write about how interesting it is that once I get through an issue of mine, the universe brings me people with the same issue to help or for me to see in greater depth the nuances of the situation – mostly, I am sure, to help me love myself even more. But in this case, a person was brought to help with the next phase in my healing and I just recognized it tonight.
I have been complaining a lot about my roommate’s behavior and decisions, even though at the same time I keep saying I don’t know why I am complaining since she is doing her thing and she is entitled to that. I have known for about a year that she was being guided to change her habits around money and possessions just as I was for MANY years a while back. She has resisted mightily. I did too, even insisting things would get better so I didn’t have to take a job (that I would make money in a better way, somehow). So now, as I watch her, I get to see very clearly how other people around me must have felt when I ignored all the guidance that was right in front of me. I also have tried to reach out a few times to explain this (gently) and she doesn’t want to hear it. So I have been feeling frustrated watching her, knowing intuitively she is going to have to hit rock bottom also, as I did. I was even talking about it tonight with a dear friend who was around for all of that, sort of apologizing and recognizing how she must have felt.
When I got off the phone with my friend this small voice inside of me asked why I was still around this roommate if I were truly healed of this issue. I tried so hard to find another place to live and was guided just as hard to move with her and her boyfriend.
Then it hit me. I AM DOING IT AGAIN (seriously huge realization). I am, and have been for a long time, ignoring strong guidance that is coming to me every day about two other areas of my life. The same feelings are coming up: that I don’t know how to change, I don’t know how to make different decisions, I am addicted and therefore can’t change and hasn’t my life been hard enough? Do I have to change the one or two things that give me some kind of comfort? Before it was I didn’t like the jobs that came my way and thought it was too hard to market myself and that it was supposed to be easy so I was doing the right thing by doing nothing. I thought everyone urging me to get a job was just not on the same path so they didn’t know what was right for me. Plus I thought my intuition kept showing me that things would get better so I didn’t think I had to take a job I didn’t want. I didn’t realize how much ego and inner limitation was still governing my intuition at the time. I had to hit rock bottom, become almost destitute, before I would get a job. All my savings and inheritance are gone.
Now it is about my spending habits, which have increasingly become a way to make myself feel better as I feel out of alignment, and my eating habits. I have brittle diabetes and am on 2 different kinds of insulin and 2 other kinds of medication, plus 2 medications for blood pressure and one for my thyroid. I have gained a lot of weight in the past year or so which only makes all of that worse, and I STILL do not eat in a way that is loving to myself. I eat to numb and because I am addicted to certain foods. On top of that, I barely make enough money to pay rent, car payment, medical bills, and a credit card that I rack up when the car needs servicing, yet I go out to eat a lot and buy a lot of books and art supplies. I don’t just buy what I need, I buy what makes me feel better.
Tonight something shifted about all of that. With the latest healings and shifts, I don’t seem to need to numb out as much and have opened a space to change some very self-destructive habits. I feel that I have realigned my energy deeper. I don’t want to hit rock bottom with my health or finances again. I have been feeling a shadow of it around health lately. So it is time to pay attention. It is time to love up the part of me terrified at letting go of these crutches that have served me so well in my life. It is time to embrace the feelings that have been submerged under the numbing behaviors. I have always known I could not MAKE myself change these behaviors until the underlying reasons for them were addressed. It just took a long time. This is the first time I am making this choice from what feels right and in alignment with my greater self, rather than out of anger or fear or determination. I am allowing all the spiritual help I can to keep me in alignment so the practicality of this shift is as easy as the realization came to me tonight.