For years I have had issues with giving. I love to do it yet I have also used it as a way to try to get other people to like me or accept me or pretend they do. Then I would get resentful that I was giving an not getting anything back. I worked on my issues about needing so much, about the leftover emotions from being born to parents who were incredibly selfish, about re-creating that in every romantic relationship, about cultural fears that created the inner desire to be needed and to always have material things to give, and about loving myself enough to believe people can like and support me without me giving away all my money or things to them.
I realized recently that I am basically a giving person at the core and have been trying to get back to enjoying it for all of this life (and perhaps many other lives too). I want to be able to share lovingly from a place of knowing that all my needs are always met and that I am thoroughly loved. It is the very thing that seems to be at the core of most of the issues that I have been healing during my spiritual awakening journey. It makes sense to me. Why wouldn’t a grand awakening to my authentic self involve healing everything that kept me from knowing something that is very true to my inner core self?
Well, I discovered something that made me go aha. I also thought it was rather amusing. Here I want to give from joy yet I have a lot of damage around feeling fulfilled enough to even know joy. THEN I realized that I have had too much hurt to allow myself to receive anything. So, in the past, I haven’t been able to receive any love or support EVEN if it is offered because of old fears about what obligations or pain might come on top of whatever is offered. Sometimes even now I don’t allow myself to accept or feel support, from friends or god.
So I want to give but feel empty and resentful because I feel unfulfilled and want others to help fill me up. BUT I don’t allow myself to receive. GEEZ!! Talk about being between a rock and a hard place
I imagine I have done this for many inner core issues but the learning to receive has been up very strong for me recently so it is freshest in my mind. So I suggest for everyone reading this – if you have struggled with the same issue or pattern for years, try looking at it from another perspective or the other side of the coin. You may find your block in an unexpected place within you.
I am happy that I am allowing a very deep healing with these issues. One of my deepest desires is to belong and participate in a loving community. I know healing the receiving and giving issue will go a long way to make that comfortable for me!!