Saturday, 12 April 2008 01:00

catching up with myself

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I notice I am having a hard time catching up to some of the changes that have already happened to me.

I have used all sorts of behaviors to make me feel better – eating, shopping, raging, trying to merge with a man,  complaining to friends  etc.  I would get an energy/emotional rush from it and at least suppress whatever emotion I didn’t want to feel anymore.

These addictions are gone.  Now food is just food.  And you know, it isn’t as interesting when it is just fuel for the body.  LOL!!  Shopping has become hard because of the energy in the stores and with the people there.  Plus, again, it is just a means to acquire something I need.  Oh, and it is only what I need because there is no rush or joy in just spending money anymore. Gossiping about others is not interesting because gossip often involves judgment and I am not judging as much – either myself or others.

I have moved into the fifth dimensional energies and my mind and behavior patterns are now catching up.  But sometimes my inner emotions don’t realize it before I try to make the old behavior patterns work.

Yesterday I tried to go to a mall and enjoy shopping.  What I found was that I didn’t care about all the merchandise and I really only needed new tennis shoes.  So I left.  I went to a bookstore, thinking I always find books and that would make me feel better.  Nothing.  At both places I bought something to eat and left half or more of the food.  The merchandise was still there, all the advertising and lack/need energy was still there.  I just am not part of that anymore.  I am more balanced and grounded but to me and who I am rather than to expectations and beliefs/values of the society around me.

FINALLY I came home and began meditating and loving my inner turmoil.  It took a a few different attempts, but it began to help.  I even dreamed about a darker part of me trying to clumsily seduce me back into some old patterns. Talk about getting the message.  In the dream I laughed at it, knowing what it was doing.  But it caused turmoil in the situation I was in, even though I wasn’t seduced.

I am pleased to notice progress has been made.  Some times I wonder what I did all that inner work and work with the earth/humanity for.  I know many other lightworkers wondering the same.  Perhaps this is a time for noticing and appreciating what has changed and allowing all of me to catch up with it?

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