I don’t know about you, but I have had a hard time consistently appreciating what exists. In the past my old anxieties, worries and fears have kept me from truly enjoying what I do have. It wasn’t until I decided once and for all to integrate fully into the physical life and actually embrace being in a body that I noticed a real change in attitude. The changes were occurring, I just didn’t notice them, partially because many times I chose to focus on what I didn’t have (and complain about it a lot).
For instance, I received an inheritance in 2006 after a great aunt and my dad died. It wasn’t a huge sum of money but if I had been working, earning enough money to live on, I could have invested it and had a nice cushion, perhaps even buy a house some day. Instead, I had to pay hospital and then continuing medical bills, pay back people I had borrowed from when I was practically destitute, replace a car, obtain furniture and live on what was left. I also used some of it to help out some friends that needed it and to give back for the years when others took care of me. It is now almost gone.
With the exception of a day or two (maybe even a week here and there) I did not relax and really enjoy the windfall. I lived better than before but I didn’t really enjoy it. I have been too worried about what will happen to me when it runs out. Money has represented a lot of things for me – security, love, trust, comfort, entertainment, etc. Even after healing a lot of that I still didn’t relax.
Sometimes our issues are too vast to be comprehended. For me money and food issues fall into that category. I had so many changes to make internally that it took awhile. Recently my choosing to embrace and accept that I am in a physical body and going to be in one for a long time made a difference. I have spent more than 10 years trying so hard to ignore that I am also a physical being – even when I chose to live 4 years ago I still didn’t embrace or enjoy being human. Now I have and am.
I am appreciating the small things in the physical world now. I am focused on integrating all my desires and energy created from my intentions into the physical. When faced with choices about how to proceed with my spiritual growth I am cautiously exploring how each step fits into a balanced life instead of jumping into the intense deep end like I used to.
I decided to trust that my higher self would take care of me in the physical world and love up my ego when it doesn’t think it is enough.
I still have worries but they don’t control me. I notice that I don’t need to go out and spend money as often. Additionally, the panic that I won’t have enough seems to be dissipating. A lovely serendipitous side effect is that I don’t need to buy cookies when I go grocery shopping either. My food issues seem to be healing also. YIPPEE!!
I now appreciate the wonderful way I have been taken care of through this money and the opportunities it has allowed me to explore. When worries flit across my mind, I remember to tell myself that I will be taken care of and I have proof.