Sometimes moving to new levels of being take a lot longer and create a lot more turmoil than we want. I started a shifting process last November that culminated 2 days ago (thank G’D). During it I had a lot of health issues pop up, including needing surgery. The last piece of the inner shift happened after doing a very hard physical job 7 days in a row, ending the week with a LOT of anxiety and restlessness. As more time passed last month and week, I also became angrier and angrier with my life (or at least that is how my mind interpreted it). On Friday, I took some St John’s Wort and Rescue Remedy, tried calling two people who can usually help me (but were unavailable), and finally, f i n a l l y, settled down to love up the part of me that was so agitated.
Instead of finding an inner child or ego part that needed love I found a higher aspect of me that was waiting for me. It showed as a male. I knew immediately that it was a wiser, higher vibrational aspect of me, although for some reason it amused me that my mind interpreted it as male. I thought all I needed to do was merge with it. I tried but it remained unintegrated so I stepped back. I then calmed down enough to listen.
I discovered most of my agitation and not feeling loved or supported in the past few weeks was due to my disconnection from the deeper/higher aspects of me. Some part of me was ready to connect/integrate but other parts have not been. I understood this during previous shifts but forgot in the midst of my latest phase of agitation. There was some other knowledge imparted to me and then this higher being of mine/and the ‘me’ I was identifying with were ready to integrate. First I saw myself walk into its light and then I began to feel. It was a warm slide of yummy energy into my awareness; a spread of inner satisfaction. I wallowed in the bliss for a little while, then became aware of how quiet it had become. When I have all that agitation from not hearing or listening to my higher guidance, or because I am getting ready to shift or because something is going on in the human mass consciousness that is affecting me it is very psychically noisy. After this integration it became quiet. Two days later it is still quiet.
Two days later I am still not irritated or triggered by having to work a job I do not love to earn barely enough money to have a roof over my head and a car to drive. I am not as angry, anxious or panicky like I was in March. There is much inner satisfaction. I am now in a rest period and am able to put more energy into being more physical (to exercise again and to get back to a craft project that I love). I love these kinds of experiences.
I am being intuitively guided in a direction for a way to earn money and a way to approach my health. I am listening. I don’t like either way, but I am listening and accepting. I am listening to the direction AND the pace. I am not struggling or pushing right now. I am accepting. I cannot even begin to tell you how different that is for me.
15 years ago when I also felt lost and my health was bad (really bad – like cancer bad) I actually was guided towards the EXACT SAME direction. I didn’t listen for different reasons. I deliberately chose to go in a different direction and it has taken 15 years of very hard work to get back to the place of really knowing what is in perfect alignment for me. I do not know if it is the wisdom of aging or just tired of fighting but I am also very willing to be carried along rather than barge ahead.
Now I am loving myself up from the shame and incredible upset that I derailed myself for 15 years. I am healing from the shame of not listening before when so many hints and signs were given to me. I am loving the me that was so ego filled I couldn’t accept even as I struggled to get a spiritual healing business going (OY!!).
I thank God and myself for all the inner healing that I have demanded, allowed and received. I am listening and allowing - and very relieved and hopeful.
I have been going through some intense energetic/spiritual ‘upgrades’ since January with the intensity hitting a fevered pitch in May (as it has for most everyone else). Then last week I became everything for a short period of time.
I once read another accounting of the same thing but until I actually experienced it, I had no idea how it could possibly feel. My conscious awareness expanded so much that I could not feel any physical (and much of the energetic) boundaries whatsoever. I couldn’t feel my body, the phone or the bed. The person on the other end of the phone became another aspect of me. The best part was how freeing it felt. I wasn’t worried about anything on this earth. It was quiet, peaceful and comfortable.
From that level anything was/is possible. I found my friend’s energy signature and just loved her. When I work with someone psychically I ‘see’ what is going on in my mind’s eye even as I know what to assist with next. There was no need for this session. I became every aspect of the energy that was shifting and the part that was not. When I say I found her, I didn’t see her psychically, I touched (as in became aware of and felt) her soul signature and the aspect which individuated into the body. I experienced it as an intensification of my energy/awareness; a tiny flare of joy. She experienced it as a fast/intense and painful upgrade in the energy in her body. You know, one of those spiritual growth things that seems a little fast for the body and the body resists with pain and uncomfortableness.
To me it felt like this lasted 5 minutes but in the human world 2 hours passed. I was able to talk the whole time although trying to describe what was happening was very difficult as my mind wasn’t always on board with what was going on (probably why I was able to stay in that energetic space for so long). We had long periods of silence where what needed to happen just did. I wasn’t trying to trust, I became the vibration of trust.
The next few days were odd as in it felt very different to be focused on the physical world and everyday life. It took me a few days to come all the way back to my body and when I did some old limiting emotions/agreements/energy also flowed up and out to heal. This was so deep that I then became very uncomfortable while it was happening. But it is energy I have wanted to heal/release for years, so YAY!!
Now my intuitive guidance for the past two days has been to rest. Just be. Allow a settling in from all the changes. I am not good with resting but I am allowing it this time.
So you may not get the ‘things’ or relationships you want with others but the relationship with the true you will blossom, grow and become more magical with each passing moment.
That is the result of YEARS of ascension work; of growing into my own consciousness. I now can feel god (the all that is, my expanded consciousness – whatever you want to call it) in my human body most of the time. I wanted this so badly when I was new to spiritual growth. If you go back to some old newsletters and blogs you will find I wrote about it years ago. For this I am grateful.
I just thought it would bring me more in my everyday life - more mundane things like enough money to live on, better health (thinner body), a mate and deeper relationships with friends. I have less and less and in some ways my everyday life has become much harder.
But in others, oh the other ways. I see the magic in the leaves on the tree; heck the tree talks to me. I feel the oneness in the conservative republican roommate I have (even as I cannot understand her point of view). I feel the constant ‘more’ that is with me even when as I also feel fear about my lack of income or worsening health. I remember that I will be taken care of when that fear arises and can reconnect with the eternal calmness of myself quicker.
Was it worth all the growing pains? I don’t think so and I am still loving up the part of me a teensy bit (or a lot on some days) irritated at how hard it has been for me. However, I still love how it feels right now and appreciate the preciousness of it all
My purpose in this life has been to grow into myself and in doing so, help others find their spiritual way (sometimes through direct honest posts, sometimes through facilitating their own healing/growth one on one). No matter what else I try to do, intend, or focus on I am brought back to that over and over and over. Grow into myself means open spiritually to all of who I am in this human body; embodying more and more of my higher self/ soul as I go.
Every action, incident, relationship and morsel of conscious intuitive guidance supports this purpose. Luckily, as I have aged I have mellowed in the pace of the growth, which means it has gentled also. Shew!! For many years it was so intense I wasn’t sure I was going to stay in a human body.
When I forget this, I am buffeted by my own insecurities and depression, and oh my god the loneliness!! But when I remember, I am calm, open-hearted, accepting and live with an expanded awareness of the sacred connection to everything/one.
So as this New Year opens, I am grateful to re-remember and reconnect with my purpose as I am facing big changes.
I just had a beautiful inner shift that was so viscerally real I want to share it with you all. I was working with a friend (D) for some mutual energy support and some support for the human mass consciousness and D mentioned that she saw a new presence standing with me – a goddess. The goddess had her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed her. D said the goddess would have a message for me.
As I was driving later I remembered this and asked the goddess what the message is for me from her. It had something to do with my shifts being from within rather than external, like I see with so many other people. Also, once again, it was time to stop limiting myself and expand my energy. She then asked me if I was ready to do so. I said YES!!
Then she asked me to repeat the words “I am ready to embrace my goddess energy” out loud. As I did so I could feel the connection with my feminine powerhouse energy. It wasn’t dramatic; it was a vast, dense feeling (although of a very high vibration) with yummy colors and feel to it. I know I have asked/demand/ allowed myself to connect with my goddess energy before but since I am so much more open and have evolved so much more this was a much ‘deeper’ and more profound experience. It was exciting, fun and so right. I love that feeling.
BUT then as a little more time went by (a very little, hours) I kept feeling that something was off. I then read some posts from a facebook friend who is healing her inner divine self through her interactions with men who provide examples of healed divine masculine energy. It came to me that my opening/healing wasn’t complete. So I was then guided to open to my inner divine masculine. A VERY different feeling but equally as vast and yummy. Also, it felt much more active. As I integrated this energy with the goddess (divine feminine) I had already connected with, I felt more whole, more satisfied and settled in my energy and body.
What a great experience. Oh, I had my usual reaction of falling back into my sugar/food addiction for a day while this was going on and didn’t sleep very much, but as the integration slowed down I was able to rest. Today I am in the being phase where I just need to allow whatever else is going to change as a result of this inner change. The inner worry and voice that thinks it needs me to ‘do’ something is quiet (thank God). And my body is tired from the overeating, not sleeping AND the integration. The 'goddess' that showed up was an aspect of me guiding me to my next step in my awakeninig evolution. I am grateful.
I found myself crying today; tears of joy and sadness. I am moving into a phase where I am recognizing and KNOWING my worthiness and it is life changing. Actually, all the inner changing came first through the immense and intense spiritual growth and ascension I have been experiencing consciously for 26 years.
I have spent so much time swinging from being codependent and people pleasing to deeply angry and possibly even manipulative to get some attention or some support from others. It was my way of disconnecting and shielding myself from vulnerability. It was what I came into this life with and had strengthened by the abusive interactions with family and then others. It also helped with the lack of energy boundaries and strong empathy.
As I have learned to be sovereign with my energy and released/healed old karmic issues (from biological and soul family, and ‘other’ lives), I have been able to see/sense the expansive, uplifted, loving parts of me easier. I can feel my connection to divinity better.
Now I am more peaceful inside. There is a lot less drama/trauma/intensity in my everyday life. For the first time I can understand the concept of appreciating the small everyday things because I am calm enough (the inner chaotic psychic noise is quiet enough) to actually notice. It is easier to be more grounded in my everyday life while being aware of my divinity. The tears were for the sheer joy of this, the feeling of my heart opening even more, and the healing sadness for when this was not true for me in my life.
I am sitting with the discomfort of how different this feels and the worry that the peace won’t last, even as I embrace the satisfaction of connectedness to the divine all.
My heart was hurting today. I likened it to having asthma in my energetic heart. As I breathed love and healing into it, I felt myself detaching and lifting above the pain and sorrow in the United States. I felt certain parts of the mass consciousness breathe a sigh of relief.
Don’t ever think you are not making a difference because you are not paupering yourself giving money to causes or out there feeding the poor. With each deep breathe, each smile, each intention of love and peace you help lift the energy here on earth.
When you live an intuitive life and are moving into living in a higher dimensional energy you have to ask the questions differently than when you didn’t/don’t, or you have to find a way to keep yourself open to whatever answer/ guidance you get.
I couldn’t make a decision between two people to fix a plumbing issue at a vacation rental I manage. I got frustrated because I kept asking which one to use and my guidance wasn’t very helpful. I assumed (!) that it didn’t matter and picked one. I also became frustrated with myself for being so indecisive over such a small issue. WELL, I was guided to ask the people who installed the problematic toilet if there was a special trick since we keep having problems. And Guess WHAT?? They are going out there to fix it. It never occurred to me to ask about them because the toilet was installed 6 months ago and there services are expensive.
I also realized I didn’t ask my guidance what is the best option overall; I just gave it a choice between two people because I let my brain get involved. Now I know when I can’t make a decision it isn’t always because it doesn’t matter what the choice is, it could be because I limited the options so much I can’t get clear guidance. I love that particular lesson came easily and painlessly.
I was going to write about how interesting it is that once I get through an issue of mine, the universe brings me people with the same issue to help or for me to see in greater depth the nuances of the situation – mostly, I am sure, to help me love myself even more. But in this case, a person was brought to help with the next phase in my healing and I just recognized it tonight.
I have been complaining a lot about my roommate’s behavior and decisions, even though at the same time I keep saying I don’t know why I am complaining since she is doing her thing and she is entitled to that. I have known for about a year that she was being guided to change her habits around money and possessions just as I was for MANY years a while back. She has resisted mightily. I did too, even insisting things would get better so I didn’t have to take a job (that I would make money in a better way, somehow). So now, as I watch her, I get to see very clearly how other people around me must have felt when I ignored all the guidance that was right in front of me. I also have tried to reach out a few times to explain this (gently) and she doesn’t want to hear it. So I have been feeling frustrated watching her, knowing intuitively she is going to have to hit rock bottom also, as I did. I was even talking about it tonight with a dear friend who was around for all of that, sort of apologizing and recognizing how she must have felt.
When I got off the phone with my friend this small voice inside of me asked why I was still around this roommate if I were truly healed of this issue. I tried so hard to find another place to live and was guided just as hard to move with her and her boyfriend.
Then it hit me. I AM DOING IT AGAIN (seriously huge realization). I am, and have been for a long time, ignoring strong guidance that is coming to me every day about two other areas of my life. The same feelings are coming up: that I don’t know how to change, I don’t know how to make different decisions, I am addicted and therefore can’t change and hasn’t my life been hard enough? Do I have to change the one or two things that give me some kind of comfort? Before it was I didn’t like the jobs that came my way and thought it was too hard to market myself and that it was supposed to be easy so I was doing the right thing by doing nothing. I thought everyone urging me to get a job was just not on the same path so they didn’t know what was right for me. Plus I thought my intuition kept showing me that things would get better so I didn’t think I had to take a job I didn’t want. I didn’t realize how much ego and inner limitation was still governing my intuition at the time. I had to hit rock bottom, become almost destitute, before I would get a job. All my savings and inheritance are gone.
Now it is about my spending habits, which have increasingly become a way to make myself feel better as I feel out of alignment, and my eating habits. I have brittle diabetes and am on 2 different kinds of insulin and 2 other kinds of medication, plus 2 medications for blood pressure and one for my thyroid. I have gained a lot of weight in the past year or so which only makes all of that worse, and I STILL do not eat in a way that is loving to myself. I eat to numb and because I am addicted to certain foods. On top of that, I barely make enough money to pay rent, car payment, medical bills, and a credit card that I rack up when the car needs servicing, yet I go out to eat a lot and buy a lot of books and art supplies. I don’t just buy what I need, I buy what makes me feel better.
Tonight something shifted about all of that. With the latest healings and shifts, I don’t seem to need to numb out as much and have opened a space to change some very self-destructive habits. I feel that I have realigned my energy deeper. I don’t want to hit rock bottom with my health or finances again. I have been feeling a shadow of it around health lately. So it is time to pay attention. It is time to love up the part of me terrified at letting go of these crutches that have served me so well in my life. It is time to embrace the feelings that have been submerged under the numbing behaviors. I have always known I could not MAKE myself change these behaviors until the underlying reasons for them were addressed. It just took a long time. This is the first time I am making this choice from what feels right and in alignment with my greater self, rather than out of anger or fear or determination. I am allowing all the spiritual help I can to keep me in alignment so the practicality of this shift is as easy as the realization came to me tonight.