I found myself crying today; tears of joy and sadness. I am moving into a phase where I am recognizing and KNOWING my worthiness and it is life changing. Actually, all the inner changing came first through the immense and intense spiritual growth and ascension I have been experiencing consciously for 26 years.
I have spent so much time swinging from being codependent and people pleasing to deeply angry and possibly even manipulative to get some attention or some support from others. It was my way of disconnecting and shielding myself from vulnerability. It was what I came into this life with and had strengthened by the abusive interactions with family and then others. It also helped with the lack of energy boundaries and strong empathy.
As I have learned to be sovereign with my energy and released/healed old karmic issues (from biological and soul family, and ‘other’ lives), I have been able to see/sense the expansive, uplifted, loving parts of me easier. I can feel my connection to divinity better.
Now I am more peaceful inside. There is a lot less drama/trauma/intensity in my everyday life. For the first time I can understand the concept of appreciating the small everyday things because I am calm enough (the inner chaotic psychic noise is quiet enough) to actually notice. It is easier to be more grounded in my everyday life while being aware of my divinity. The tears were for the sheer joy of this, the feeling of my heart opening even more, and the healing sadness for when this was not true for me in my life.
I am sitting with the discomfort of how different this feels and the worry that the peace won’t last, even as I embrace the satisfaction of connectedness to the divine all.
My heart was hurting today. I likened it to having asthma in my energetic heart. As I breathed love and healing into it, I felt myself detaching and lifting above the pain and sorrow in the United States. I felt certain parts of the mass consciousness breathe a sigh of relief.
Don’t ever think you are not making a difference because you are not paupering yourself giving money to causes or out there feeding the poor. With each deep breathe, each smile, each intention of love and peace you help lift the energy here on earth.
When you live an intuitive life and are moving into living in a higher dimensional energy you have to ask the questions differently than when you didn’t/don’t, or you have to find a way to keep yourself open to whatever answer/ guidance you get.
I couldn’t make a decision between two people to fix a plumbing issue at a vacation rental I manage. I got frustrated because I kept asking which one to use and my guidance wasn’t very helpful. I assumed (!) that it didn’t matter and picked one. I also became frustrated with myself for being so indecisive over such a small issue. WELL, I was guided to ask the people who installed the problematic toilet if there was a special trick since we keep having problems. And Guess WHAT?? They are going out there to fix it. It never occurred to me to ask about them because the toilet was installed 6 months ago and there services are expensive.
I also realized I didn’t ask my guidance what is the best option overall; I just gave it a choice between two people because I let my brain get involved. Now I know when I can’t make a decision it isn’t always because it doesn’t matter what the choice is, it could be because I limited the options so much I can’t get clear guidance. I love that particular lesson came easily and painlessly.
I was going to write about how interesting it is that once I get through an issue of mine, the universe brings me people with the same issue to help or for me to see in greater depth the nuances of the situation – mostly, I am sure, to help me love myself even more. But in this case, a person was brought to help with the next phase in my healing and I just recognized it tonight.
I have been complaining a lot about my roommate’s behavior and decisions, even though at the same time I keep saying I don’t know why I am complaining since she is doing her thing and she is entitled to that. I have known for about a year that she was being guided to change her habits around money and possessions just as I was for MANY years a while back. She has resisted mightily. I did too, even insisting things would get better so I didn’t have to take a job (that I would make money in a better way, somehow). So now, as I watch her, I get to see very clearly how other people around me must have felt when I ignored all the guidance that was right in front of me. I also have tried to reach out a few times to explain this (gently) and she doesn’t want to hear it. So I have been feeling frustrated watching her, knowing intuitively she is going to have to hit rock bottom also, as I did. I was even talking about it tonight with a dear friend who was around for all of that, sort of apologizing and recognizing how she must have felt.
When I got off the phone with my friend this small voice inside of me asked why I was still around this roommate if I were truly healed of this issue. I tried so hard to find another place to live and was guided just as hard to move with her and her boyfriend.
Then it hit me. I AM DOING IT AGAIN (seriously huge realization). I am, and have been for a long time, ignoring strong guidance that is coming to me every day about two other areas of my life. The same feelings are coming up: that I don’t know how to change, I don’t know how to make different decisions, I am addicted and therefore can’t change and hasn’t my life been hard enough? Do I have to change the one or two things that give me some kind of comfort? Before it was I didn’t like the jobs that came my way and thought it was too hard to market myself and that it was supposed to be easy so I was doing the right thing by doing nothing. I thought everyone urging me to get a job was just not on the same path so they didn’t know what was right for me. Plus I thought my intuition kept showing me that things would get better so I didn’t think I had to take a job I didn’t want. I didn’t realize how much ego and inner limitation was still governing my intuition at the time. I had to hit rock bottom, become almost destitute, before I would get a job. All my savings and inheritance are gone.
Now it is about my spending habits, which have increasingly become a way to make myself feel better as I feel out of alignment, and my eating habits. I have brittle diabetes and am on 2 different kinds of insulin and 2 other kinds of medication, plus 2 medications for blood pressure and one for my thyroid. I have gained a lot of weight in the past year or so which only makes all of that worse, and I STILL do not eat in a way that is loving to myself. I eat to numb and because I am addicted to certain foods. On top of that, I barely make enough money to pay rent, car payment, medical bills, and a credit card that I rack up when the car needs servicing, yet I go out to eat a lot and buy a lot of books and art supplies. I don’t just buy what I need, I buy what makes me feel better.
Tonight something shifted about all of that. With the latest healings and shifts, I don’t seem to need to numb out as much and have opened a space to change some very self-destructive habits. I feel that I have realigned my energy deeper. I don’t want to hit rock bottom with my health or finances again. I have been feeling a shadow of it around health lately. So it is time to pay attention. It is time to love up the part of me terrified at letting go of these crutches that have served me so well in my life. It is time to embrace the feelings that have been submerged under the numbing behaviors. I have always known I could not MAKE myself change these behaviors until the underlying reasons for them were addressed. It just took a long time. This is the first time I am making this choice from what feels right and in alignment with my greater self, rather than out of anger or fear or determination. I am allowing all the spiritual help I can to keep me in alignment so the practicality of this shift is as easy as the realization came to me tonight.
I am living in a different house than my roommates. Oh, the address is the same but the energy is VERY different, especially in my rooms. I live in a 5th Dimension reality and they live in the third. Our energies overlap in the kitchen – that feels so weird.
I have experienced this in grocery stores and out and about – where people will stand or be moving next to me and not even see me. I didn’t notice it as much when we lived in the house owned by one of them but now that we are all renting a different house it is so noticeable that sometimes I get dizzy from it. Andrew Martin and others talk about this ‘bifurcation of energies” (Martin’s term) on You Tube that is happening in the Ascension Process, but it is an entirely different thing to live it in the home within which I sleep.
My rooms feel lighter, more uplifting. The kitchen is neutral if they haven’t been in it too close to when I need to use it. I don’t identify at all with the rest of the house – and there is a lot of the rest as this house is very big. I feel an inner peace and relaxation when I am in my rooms and more optimistic. The creatures of the fabulous garden communicate to me about it when I go out to appreciate them and the glorious greenery and flowers.
It means I react differently to events and circumstances. I really like the new house and am happy with it. I have enough space to feel free and let my energy get as big as it really is. I am more in tune with the land than I have been in years. I am glad I get the conscious practice of dealing with this now so I can handle it as it becomes more obvious in my every day travels.
I am still waiting for telepathy to show up.
I love really being aware of the remembering of who I am while in a physical body – releasing limitations and integrating more of my own energy. It does have some unexpected side effects though. I have talked about this with others who are also expanding and integrating their higher soul energy within their bodies consciously but it really affects my life strongly these days. I can no longer watch movies all the way through or read books by my favorite authors. My energy has changed so much I don’t really identify with the energy of popular movies or books anymore. I sometimes forget and try anyway when I need a distraction from my life, but I am ALWAYS reminded as soon as I try.
I don’t always know why the movie doesn’t work for me, especially when others around me love it, but I pay attention and follow my guidance anyway. I appreciate being on earth more than ever, yet am detached from some everyday things such as movies, magazines, shopping for entertainment, or most comics or TV shows. Even certain restaurants are no longer interesting or comfortable for me. It certainly makes each day interesting and I tend to be more mindful each day than before
I am happy to notice how strong, flexible, and energetic I am. I really like my body’s ability to handle me pushing it these days with working (cleaning houses), packing and making sure to get some exercise in on lighter work days.
This is such a miracle for me in many ways. It wasn’t that long ago that my body wasn’t strong or resilient. It was even less time ago that I could emotionally handle all the different things I have to do now to earn money, including cleaning houses and packing up a 2000 sf house (sometimes doing both in the same day). More than that, I am pleased that there are somethings I am noticing that I LIKE about me. YES, me AND my body.
This is a direct result of my inner work on self-love and acceptance. All the releasing and shifting HAS made it better. As my higher-self integrates more and more, I honor myself at and in all the levels I exist, including the energy that has formed my body. This very slight change in perspective has made all the difference. You know what else? It is a whole lot easier to set boundaries now. I also find it much easier to choose to be around uplifting people (before I felt I had to be around or take care of whomever sucked me in). I am also finding more time in each day to do something I like that nourishes my soul; Sometimes it is only for 15 minutes but that seems to be enough.
As I integrate more, I worry less and try to logic my way into/out of situations. I don't make goals, I do sent intentions. Mostly, I allow and continue to choose fun loving things to do/feel. Spiritual Growth at its finest.
I know I have said and written it before – when it is time to let go of something or someone and I just can’t do it, the universe makes it happen for me. Most of the time I am not aware of WHY I am being intuitively guided to let go.; sometimes there is so much more going on than I realize.
Recently had an incident with a client where it was time to let go but I just couldn’t get settled about it. It took me a long time to actually do it and, really, she was the one that let go. But once it was done my gut was churning. I was making up all kinds of reasons why in my head – I felt the need to save her, I felt like I had let her down, I felt angry that she expected me to continue doing what she wanted because she had been a client for a long time and paid a lot of money for the work I had done (as if that meant I owed her), I felt I had let myself be manipulated, I felt guilty because she doesn’t seem to have any other support, etc etc.** All of that may be true but these emotions were just results, not the cause of the inner churning.
Turns out there was a very constrictive (and old) band of energy around my waist squeezing me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. My relationship with this person and her energetic attachments had triggered it and even had some cords connecting to it. It was a rather intense process to let it go and to allow healing. I don’t have all the info yet, and may never get it, but it should result in more sovereignty (neutrality) around clients and other individuals in my life with similar energy/emotional fields. I am hoping this healing will help me to create and maintain deeper and more intimate relationships.
I am glad I was able to get clear enough to pay attention and allow. I am also grateful for the help I received from a friend (thanks Diane).
** Please note I am also aware all those feelings/assumptions are/were totally MY issues.
Yesterday when I woke up, I felt a little bit depressed, body in pain, a little hopeful about my future, excited about a new project, comfortable, curious about the day, slightly anxious about my immediate need for new housing, etc. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And it is ok.
We are magnificent beings of light. Light that includes many different frequencies of energy as well as many different emotions. The trick for me is to remember none of them actually conflict with any other. They can and do all exist at the same time, I am just not always consciously aware of that. Yesterday I was particularly sensitive to it.
So I chose. I chose to stay simple. I chose and continune to choose to stay as present as possible, focusing on the new project and some writing I want to get done. All the spiritual clearing, experiences and visions aren’t any good to me if I can’t feel good in my everyday life. So that is what I choose.
I have been taking time each day to love each part of my body and then the whole. I say the words and I thank it but I also send love from my heart. When I started doing this, this time around, I had to focus on my body being part of my soul’s energy. Now I can just look at and think of the physical body.
I have done this a few other times and only resulted in bringing up a lot of anger and judgment, along with a large dose of hurt from my body. I also couldn’t actually feel love for my body; I could only say the words.
This time I was hoping for some physical healing. While I haven’t experienced that yet I have had some other wonderful results. I no longer have the constant inner voice making negative comments about my body, and there is no more sarcasm or self-depreciation. I am more relaxed and I feel more open-hearted. I know it took quite a bit of inner healing to get here but I am so GLAD I did it. The key is to FEEL the love and appreciation.
*PS thanks to my magical friend Arline for her recent reminder of this process.