I was recently upset at myself when I recognized that I still felt contemptuous about and repulsed by my body. More than that I was beyond being at my wits end as to why this is still true even after years of working on this. I know part of these feelings exist because I just have a hard time being encased in a physical body when I want to be out flying around the universe, but this time something more seemed to be coming up. As I sat with these feelings I realized I was holding on to a lot of frozen hurt, shame and memories of where I allowed or created abuse for one reason or another. They seemed to be held in my body.
I am aware that everyone plays a role in our lives, a role that we created, asked for or agreed to in order to experience or heal something, so I began by forgiving all who I believed abused me or hurt me. I forgave and blessed all who left me and those I felt I had to let go of. I felt a little bit of movement and a smaller bit of relaxation.
Then I realized that the real issue wasn’t what anyone else did to me or what I did to them, it was what I allowed and what I did to myself.
I then began forgiving myself. I specifically asked for healing for all the places within my energy and my body where I still held on to abuse/abusive or victim/perpetrator energy, and then expanded it throughout all of who I am on all levels.
Boy was I on the right track. I felt the energy moving through me. I cried, I laughed and cried some more. I shook and shuddered uncontrollably. I felt cold where this stuck energy was released and a little seasick from so much movement.
I felt my expansive, truel self a little more afterwards. And the feelings of self-repulsion were gone.
So how is your awakening process going? Are you enjoying yourself through it? Sometimes I am, sometimes not. I am sooOOooo grateful I get back to my normal wacky sense of humor pretty quickly though. I have cleared enough, healed enough and moved into loving myself enough that I don’t tolerate putting aside that sense of humor, or being out of alignment with my higher self, for too long.
I am now aware that all those years of struggling to work on ‘stuff’ and wallowing in fear/anxiety or anger were definitely the hard way to go about spiritual growth. It was the only way I could go or I would have done it differently, but it was quite harsh. NOW? I want to laugh and I want it to be easy.
If I take a job because I am scared I won’t have enough money, and I start crying after I say yes, I know it is the wrong thing for me (yes that happened to me once and it turned out disastrous). If I try to develop a friendship because I am lonely and I have to do all the calling or reaching out, I let go. If I start getting upset because I can’t pay for certain things I want, or think I need, I know it is time to let the want go or open to the possibility of another way to get my needs met. I am still incredibly energetic, industrious, willing to go the extra mile and take action when needed, I just don’t tolerate struggle – internal or external.
And when I forget I have a wonderfully gentle friend who reminds me to relax and allow. This is a lovely benefit of spiritual growth.
WHOOEEY!! It has been an intense few weeks. So many people took advantage of the latest surge in high vibration earth energy to experience another expansion in their own consciousness and an increased embodiment of their infinite selves. The good news is that if you think you have gone backwards you probably have not and, in fact, made a surge forward with the energy. It is just old stuff uncovering for healing that maybe didn’t feel so great.
I know I know, how many times have you read or heard THAT in the past few years. However, there really was some kind of surge recently. I know I had intense joint pain for a few weeks until I slid into the higher vibration and increased connection to my higher/infinite self. I know many of my clients did too - some were sick, some felt emotionally scoured and some saw the return of old behavior patterns. I saw my typical pattern after I do an obviously intense inner shift in that I also experienced an immediate sharp drop in income and social interaction. Yes, it is scary to have a drop in income at the same time I have to do some auto repairs and pay taxes for last year and estimated tax for next year.
Back to the good news. When you relax (or get help) and allow the remaining re-alignment as a result of this last shift, you should find some noticeable changes in yourself, your interactions and in your way of being. I am noticing change, once again, in my means of income and my tolerance for certain behaviors in others and in what entertains me (in books or dvds). My eating and sleeping patterns did an abrupt shift too. It takes getting used to as these changes are not usually gradual for me. They may be for you.
So be kind and nurture yourself in ways that are gentle. Do whatever it takes to embrace these changes and love yourself through them.
My passion is expanding my awareness of who I truly am. That is my main purpose here on earth. I suppose one might say that is true of all of us but I know I chose to focus on that directly and above all else without channeling it into something translatable and usable in my every -day life. On some level I decided to dramatically shift from someone quite depressed, angry, hurt and fearful to someone who lives her life mindfully, peacefully and fully aligned with the inner God-self, but I forgot the practicalities of being human.
It doesn’t matter if I earn my income by being an executive, a retail clerk, a housecleaner or a spiritual healing facilitator. My ‘real’ job is to maintain that mindfulness and inner alignment to my higher self no matter what I do, and share it with others in some way. Maintaining this focus has helped many people and the earth in all the shifts that have and will occur. I also know many have been inspired and also triggered by my process. On my lucid days, that is enough, on other days I have a lot of frustration about it all.
I know someone whose expanding awareness and higher purpose shows up as having and raising babies who stay open to the higher vibrational energies; another is a fabulous artist, another is a teacher, and yet another a nurse. All are completely aligned with their true and authentic expressions of themselves. I have to admit, there are days when I envy them because sometimes I forget myself and wonder what the heck I am supposed to be doing so that I can earn money at a job in which I am happy and fulfilled. Then I whine and complain like everyone else (smile) and remember that I am learning to be happy and fulfilled no matter what happens in my life.
More and more days are spent with that inner connectedness, open to the inner happiness and fulfillment no matter what (thank God). I am learning to value that rather than anything that goes on in my outer life and to return to the center of that when I let myself get pulled in the direction of others’ strong opinions about what I should be doing.
How about you? Is there something that is your ‘true’ purpose that perhaps you are not valuing or even acknowledging, either because others don’t value it or it doesn’t match your learned definition of success or happiness or it doesn’t earn money?
I have allowed a few people back into my life that are really only here to show me how much I have changed. However, because I don't have very many friends and think I crave the companionship, I continue to try to have deeper relationships with them. But as of today that stops. I am choosing higher vibration living. I am choosing to learn to love myself so much that I am ok being alone and I am also open to new friends and acquaintances.
I have been afraid to do this but it is time. I have had to let go of so many people I didn't want to continue doing so. However, just like with anything else, I cannot hold on. I need to let everything flow, including the relationships.
If you are constantly feeling hurt, put off or icked out (yes, that is the eloquent term) when you talk to certain people, then stop if you can. I have to admit when I feel hurt I do a lot of inner searching to make sure my ego isn't just put off and I needed to hear what was said to me. Most of the time that is not true.
This is all part of my quest to have things be easier and really embrace the sacred joy of all of life. I can appreciate the reason these people are in my life, I can really acknqoledge and love their souls/inner beings, and I can also choose not to be around this part of God's energy. So can you.
You may be having some frustration understanding why you are reacting certain ways or doing certain things (or not doing the things you need to or commit to). Look deeper into it.
I earn part of my income by sometimes clean vacation rental homes. Most of the time my ocd-ness around cleaning means I do a great job. But once in a while, the vacationers complain about my cleaning. I used to beat myself up, wondering why I just didn’t do a good job for that time and sometimes my cleaning is great (not that anyone ever compliments the cleanliness of a vacation rental but at least they do not complain). I had thought the problems occur on those days when I am particularly angry about earning money through cleaning houses. So I figured all the crap I get when someone complains was payback for my ego’s irritation.
But that isn’t true. It turns out if the renters I am cleaning up after have really icky energy I just don’t go to certain areas to clean. I do my best to check everything before I leave, sometimes taking a lot of extra time to be sure. It doesn’t matter. If some part of me does not like the energy, I don’t even see the dirt or problem EVEN WHEN I AM LOOKING RIGHT AT IT!!!
Remember all those channelings about people being in the 3rd dimension not even seeing people in the 5th? Well apparently the opposite can be true too.
Take a deeper look at what is going on with you. There may be a very valid and telling energetic reason for it.
What if we look upon every experience, person, event, thing in our lives as God and stop focusing on the physical so much? It takes away the judgment about all that stuff, promotes self- responsibility, and can affect great changes within you and your behavior.
I have a tendency to get very panicked when I am relying on a particular job to provide me with a certain level of income and the person paying changes his or her mind. Since I work freelance this happens more than I like. What I have noticed, however, is that if I remember that the income flows from the universe and can show up through anyone by many different means (I have many income flows to me these days) I reconnect with trusting that all is well. These days the money does usually show up in unexpected ways.
This concept applies in so many ways to so many areas of our lives. When someone new or someone I knew long ago comes in my life and I am triggered by something he/she says or does, I am usually much happier and handle it all much easier if I look upon them as pieces of God’s energy being attracted to me for a purpose. Part of that purpose is to help me uncover whatever is triggered. Bless their hearts.
Conversely if someone fabulous comes into my life and leaves quickly I can let go easier because I know that wonderful aspect of God’s energy will come back into my life through some other way. Isn’t that brilliant?
There is a certain freedom created through self-acceptance and trusting that all is well. It is a beautiful thing.
I am not really sure which comes first because I have reconnected with both at the same time.
When you trust that all is well you don’t have to be so tied into what other people think or trapped in a job/situation that you hate. As we open more and expand spiritually our self-acceptance and trust in the universe grows. We then become less and less attached to our fears. It is then so much easier to make clear decisions based on your intuitive guidance.
When I am afraid to speak up or to make a mistake because, like in my childhood, I believe on some level that something very bad will happen to me (and you never knew what actually would be a mistake until someone reacted) I feel trapped and, of course, fearful. The truth is I am only trapped by my own familiar ego driven emotional and behavioral patterns, not by my outside circumstances. I can always make a different choice – if only in how I react even if I cannot find another job or have some emptiness when I need to let go of the people around me. As I am embracing my own personal power based on my connection to all that is rather than my ego’s needs and old fears, I am reacting less and less to other people’s emotional and behavioral patterns.
This personal power includes a deep level of self-acceptance of all my skills, intelligence, competencies, as well as whatever I am not so great at. Once I acknowledge I am not that great at something (and often have no interest in getting great) I relax about it. I react very little when others feel the need to point out how not great I am. I just agree and move on. WHAT A DIFFERENCE!! For instance, I know I am not good at cleaning glass. I just tell my prospective clients up front then I don’t worry about it, overanalyze it, wish I were better at it, etc. They accept or they find someone else to do it.
It is so freeing. It is true I might lose some potential clients because of it BUT I now trust that something else will come along. This is true personal power.
Thank God our higher selves and guides know better than we do and set up the exact right circumstances within which we get what we need (not necessarily what we want). Now if I could only let go of the expectations that often strangle out the awareness of the wonders I am experiencing.
I recently went on vacation. I was expecting some clarity and direction for my life to show up in a very specific way and found myself disappointed that it didn’t seem to happen, and that each thing my friend and I set out to do seemed to be equally disappointing. I even dumped all over the friend who picked me up from the airport when I got back because I was still only seeing the disappointments, not the overall magic of the trip.
This is what happened that I didn’t recognize at the time but am extremely GRATEFUL for now:
I am sure there is more to be revealed as time goes one but hey, all of that seems like enough.
Acceptance and compassion. That is all anyone needs from us. What they or I express in words sometimes hardly covers the surface of what they/we are going through in this incredible ascension journey here on planet earth.
I recently went through inner hell releasing some family obligation issues. On the surface I said no to a sister about making a quilt she wanted after I received the material and started piecing a design together. Seems innocuous enough, right? However, inside it was a big shift away from the way we interact with each other, my inner definitions (and hers) of our relationship, some limiting energy from our culture and our familial upbringing, as well as a big step towards acting as if I believe that people will love me even if I don’t do all kinds of things that are difficult and time consuming or expensive.
The surface action seemed small but it was indicative of a huge spiritual and energetic shift that is going to lead to a much lighter and happier life for me. I embrace that I am sometimes so much in the moment I express all my emotions as they flit through me without being precise about the entire process. When they are played out, I am done with them, so much so that I often cannot even remember what was going on the next day. As I love and accept myself more and more, this gets more and more obvious. I am also able to accept and witness with deep compassion and love other people’s experiences.