Everything in your life is there to support me in one way or another. I find for me growth comes from most of it. I have really wanted to release, or at least accept in a non-emotional way, shame and drama in my life. So what happens? All sort of circumstances contribute to ‘helping’ me by digging up whatever shame is there.
For instance, I have been struggling (and struggling and struggling) with some food issues. It started when I was very young and fat, although today I would LOVE to weigh what I did when I thought (and was called) fat when I was younger. Now I have brittle diabetes and STILL cannot stop eating the carbs/sugars/processed foods that contribute to my ill-health. It is true diabetes runs in the family but food choices can make managing it easier. I have been ashamed about a lot of circumstances in my life – my low income, my loneliness, the way I earn money now, and the way I eat. I have accepted most of it most of the time but these days the food/health is up strongly. Plus I have had this inner belief that I can heal from anything so what is ‘wrong’ with me that I cannot heal this health issue or the addiction to foods that make the health issue even worse? I find I am ashamed about it.
I know today’s focus is loving the part of me feeling very ashamed and like a victim because I can’t last even one day without eating inappropriately (no simple carbs/sugar or processed foods). I am also trying to love the part of me that feels I need to be so restricted and therefore deprived in order to be somewhat healthy. This involves tapping into the love that I know I am so I can feel satisfied and safe.
All part of the self-acceptance, self- love journey I (and all of us) are on.
I got up today early enough, ate, got dressed and went to a water mind/body movement class. Seems pretty mundane right? But for weeks I couldn’t get myself there. I would remind myself I should go, that I needed to go then proceed to beat myself up a little for not going. It all felt like I was fighting myself. Not today. Today – smooth as pie.
I am finding that with everything in my life. I am not in an energetic, psychic or spiritual place to do what I ‘should’ do to fit in with other people’s expectations or understanding. When I try to make myself some part of me fights back. I recognize that could be coming from my ego or from some inner part that doesn’t want to change for the better but the simple truth for me right now is that if I am not in alignment enough with something – an event, growing a relationship with someone, finding new work – it doesn’t happen.
I have written about this before (maybe once a year, I think) but apparently I keep forgetting because there is so much out there (and inside of me) that says this is the way I should act/be/do. I forget all of that is really marketing or controlling ploys. And I forget how off center I can get when I am going through big changes (like I have been for the past month or so).
I also forget now that I have opened up to so much of my soul being, my intuition comes softer and is more embedded. It isn’t like it used to be where I would hear voices in my head or get a picture of what is right. Now it is a slight pull or thought or a knowing of what is right. I will write more on this later because it is much bigger than this blog. But for today I was reminded again of the ease with which I can proceed if I just pay attention.
And that is my goal for this next phase of my life– more ease, more laughing and more fun
The sun is shining, the waves are loudly rolling in and out, the birds are pecking on the ground looking for food and I am sitting on a bench doing nothing. Well, looking like I am doing nothing. What I am really doing is healing.
I get so focused on healing my body, heling energy that calls to me, clearing houses, doing what I can to make money, helping others feel better about themselves and just better in general, that I forget to take the time needed to be still and allow my own connection to the inner/true me to re-align. I get out of whack when I do too much and forget to just be still. That means no reading, no computer, no phone, no TV (or you tube), no crafting, no talking to others and no thinking about the millions of things I still have to do. It also means no deliberate manipulation of energy or trying to get answers or guidance for me or anyone else. Just taking time.
As I merge more and more of my soul energy with my body – or as I recognize more and more the depth of soul energy accessible through my body (however you view this process) – I need regular time to just be still. It feels as if a thousand hours of healing occurs when I take regular time to be still. I am able to cope with being around all kinds of people and with needing to do so many different things to earn income. I am even able to accept without rancor the need to have so much income just to have some amount of comfort in my life.
These days taking time involves me being outside. I prefer sunshine and the sound/energy of the ocean, as I live very close, and work even closer, to it. There was a time when making art was my taking time but now I need to not be doing at all, just being.
I do not know the direction my life is taking now that so many things have changed and I have moved into a new phase of which I know nothing consciously. I don’t have a sense of purpose right now. I do not know how I am going to continue to be taken care of financially given that I need to make some changes in my work life. I also do not know how I am going to support my body given the health state it is in, the even more sensitive reactions to drugs and the possibility of losing insurance. However, I do know I must take this time to continue functioning at optimal levels physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually and energetically.
Take time in your way.
I was going on about how I felt like a failure at being human, all the bad decisions I had made, and all the things I didn’t like about me. The round and round in my mind was making my head hurt. I was asked to focus on one thing I appreciate/like about myself. I began from my mind stating that I know I have helped many people in many ways. All of a sudden the light broke through the gloom and I became aware of my intense connection with my higher, eternal self. I felt the energy of all, the many energy signatures (spirits) surrounding and encouraging me, the rightness of my knowing, and the alignment with my greater purpose. I lost the irritation/restlessness at being confined in a body.
When I was able to speak again, still in the midst of tears, I spoke with all of that in my heart/body, with the conviction of what truly is. I have fulfilled and continue to fulfill my deepest desire to be of service to others and to the earth in the way that is perfect for me. I have followed the path of my highest joy in learning and exploring the far reaches of my spirit, and allowed my resulting opening to my highest knowing to guide my life as best I can and to help others when they allow.
It was a miraculous moment of remembering myself.
Funny, today (the day after) the things that bothered me before about my body, my finances, my lack of relationships with other humans, just don’t matter as much.
I am on a mission, a mission to accept who I am right now. That includes every decision I have made (ever), the way my body is and how I have treated it, what I do and think these days, who I have chosen to spend time with or to stop spending time with; in short, everything about me.
Accepting like this is freeing up my awareness for all sorts of interesting understandings and intuitive knowing. For instance I realized I have no need to hold on to being ashamed of being a diabetic. For YEARS I have been beating myself up internally for eating too much, for being fat (for many reasons but especially now that I am diabetic), for not being able to heal from this disease because I can’t make myself eat only vegetables, or whatever the latest thing is to heal from it. When I stopped all of that and moved into accepting this is where I am, I was able to observe others who eat a lot, who eat a lot of carbs and sugar, who eat poorly and do not exercise and notice that not all of them have diabetes. I was able to see people who take great care of themselves who do have diabetes. Since it runs in my family I might have been more aware of it and more careful so I wouldn’t get it but I might have ANYWAY!!!! There is no need for the self-flagellation that I have been putting myself through for the past 10 years. For now, I am also experiencing change in my food cravings/choices and the way I use food – much more healthily. Coincidence? Who knows?
There are other examples in my life where accepting what is going on with me right now has freed up a lot of internal energy but that one is so in my face it is perfect to share.
What allowing are you blocking with your self-talk? All of this beautiful spiritual expansion means nothing if we cannot integrate it through our hearts for ourselves. What if the only purpose of this awakening we are all going through is to remember we are perfect as we are and we are already the love we seek (including self-love)? What if in remembering that we radiate more and more love, compassion and acceptance to the world? As my life and desires get simpler and simpler this has become the core of my growth.
I laugh at myself all the time, particularly when I am trying to make something happen that clearly I am either not aligned with or is not the right time (because I am not aligned with it usually). Additionally, the less drama in my life the more I am in tune with the right timing and alignment.
In January this year I was determined to get my taxes done. I usually wait until the last minute when my resistance and anger is very high to do them. This year I didn’t want to go through that so I was trying to get them done early. I am not saying my approach was different emotionally I just thought different timing would make a difference in how I felt about it (!) I usually start by retrieving the previous year’s taxes. I went through every box I still have that is unpacked, including the one with all the previous taxes – TWICE. I couldn’t find them. I was so frustrated at the time. It didn’t occur to me until 2 weeks later that I was looking for an envelope marked 2015 instead of 2014. Today (in April) I found the 2014 taxes right away. And I began all the prep work for 2015 with no emotion at all, just getting it done.
I have had the same frustration over my lack of interest in putting out a monthly newsletter even though my website says I do and people keep signing up. Then I make myself feel bad for not taking any action and I try to write but nothing comes. Like anything else, I cannot force it.
I do not know what my future holds, I am not even sure what I want in life anymore. I know I continue to expand and evolve and love as best I can. I know I make a difference in many ways even when my ego is wailing that I am useless in the world. AND I know change will come when I am most aligned with it – because I have too many signs in my every day life that it happens that way. Now all I need to learn is to RELAX!!!!!!!!
I have decided to just accept what is right now for me. I have been upset that I no longer have interest in making any arts or crafts. I have also lost interest in a lot of things that used to excite me. I was trying to force myself to find something like that again because I thought something was wrong or missing.
I just decided to accept that this is where I am. I am fairly calm. I am aware of inner change – again. I am aware of less judgment and anger, more peace. A very real blessing.
I a reading more and spending slightly more tie watching tV (can’t really do that for very long). I haven’t been as forceful with myself around exercising or diet. I am in a gentle-to-self phase.
And I accept it (today anyway).
People blossom in their own time, they open to their spiritual wonderful yumminess when it is perfect for them – meaning as they can allow it. I sure have.
So it does no good, and is actually somewhat abusive, for anyone else to shove their impatience at someone they want to change faster. It doesn’t matter if it is in the form of anger, criticism, expressed impatience, judgment or dictatorial orders. It really is none of your business how fast I change. And, one of my pet peeves, Oh My God don’t use the guise of a psychic reading to blast someone with your self-righteousness. If you are reacting in any way other than observation or enjoyment of my being it is YOUR triggers being engaged and not my responsibility. How does that saying go? I don’t have to change so you can feel better – about yourself or me.
For instance, I used to attract or be attracted to women I wanted to make me feel better. I wanted to dump all my problems on them and have them codependently enable me. At the same time these women really wanted the same of me to some degree (naturally, like attracts like) and accused me of all sorts of things when I didn’t meet their needs or left the relationship abruptly, usually after telling me it was all my fault. The problem is/was that I believed them. It is only recently as I am emerging from this behavior pattern that I realize the issue is/was NEVER one sided and that I have been healing all sorts of inner issues around the pattern as time has gone by
I still need to talk about things with others once in a while because I am alone so much of the time and I just process faster that way. But I no longer need to attach myself to someone who I hope will make me feel better. Today I recognized that. I realized I am emerging (don’t you love that word) from so many emotional, psychic and behavior patterns that no longer serve me. I still have some judgment that it took too long for me to enjoy this life (i.e. if it had only happened when I was in my 20’s I might have had a better life). However, I am thrilled to know that there HAS been healing in all this time. Each one of those women played their part in helping me purge/heal old stuff. May God Bless Them. (I am sure I played my part for whatever their inner beings/higher selves wanted them to experience.)
So I am cogitating (another really fun word). My intent is to allow who I truly am to bubble up to the conscious surface, because I Do Not Know. Without all the coping behaviors and emotional patterns I do not know what I like or what I want. I do know I feel most expanded and satisfied when I can feel the sacred connection to my expansive spiritual self. I got to be there for many days just recently. I am allowing that to continue.
P.S. I do note that the further I ascend, integrate my spiritual self into my body, the more others show their judgment of my behaviors with me. It is as if too much light exposes aspects of themselves they don't know what to do with (but are really ready to change), and they lash out (or try to get me to change - adamantly) instead of taking the time to be with themselves. As I sometimes get caught in this old pattern I understand. I just want to be in the place where I recognize it but am not affected by it - more growing for me!!
Such a beautiful feeling – the feeling of reawakening, of opening more to this human life. As my heart delicately flutters open, and I deal with the overwhelming emotions that accompany each step into the expansive me, the adventurer and explorer I thought I was when I was younger is coming out to play more. It is definitely quieter and more mindful, more unencumbered with fear than it was when I was much younger and played at being fearless when I was really trying to escape from massive fear. I feel it as a new child, eyes wide open, heart excited, cautious only because I am being guided step by step by my inner wisdom and higher self so there is no hurrying or harshness or rushing ahead.
I recognized it when I was admiring that strong sense of adventure in another person. In conversation I remembered so many things I tried when I was younger, so much traveling, so much willingness to experience new things jump into the abyss and see what happened. Life slapped me around a bit and I shut down. I felt the sadness of that very deeply tonight. I also immediately knew that I gave myself the time to do a bunch of inner healing and growing in order to flower open again, many years in fact.
Right now I am in a preparation and resting time period. Each day brings new ‘aha’ moments, such as the one when I finally began beading again and realized the addiction I used to have and the high I used to get with art work is gone. I enjoy it as a task to work on when it feels like fun but I connect with my inner divinity, heart and song at any point. I do not need the art for that anymore or as a distraction from a life I don’t want. I have changed a lot. I am so glad I allow the changes to occur even if I don’t recognize that they are occurring.
*PS: Just so you know I have been going through emotional and physical chaos this past week as I teetered on the precipice of allowing myself this next step deeper into self-acceptance and awareness. It was gentler than I have gone through in the past BUT a very recognizeable pattern. I am happy the things that happen to me as I get ready to breakthrough are gentler than before and I now choose to embrace this pattern thoroughly and completely.
I had a wonderful experience today.
One of those fully present days where the weather was just perfect, the sunlight took on an otherworldly luminosity, the wind moving the trees called forth the sacredness in my soul while the intense beauty soothed my eyes, and the ocean waves clapped for joy with each wave lapping the shore. I took a walk - a simple walk - through and into multidimensionality. I appreciated it all. It was such a balm after so much turmoil during the past few months. In that short 25 minutes my mood was lightened and my perception shifted - again.
THANK YOU for lifting me up, for reminding me what is true.