I have learned that I am not as smart, talented or gifted as I thought I was. I used to make myself feel better by focusing on thinking I was smarter than everyone around me, until I went to a conference where just about everyone in the room seemed smarter than I was/am. I used to take great pleasure in how talented of an artist I thought I was until I was around truly talented and gifted creative people. You get the drift.
This ascension journey has not brought me good health, riches and recognition like I thought it would. It has however ripped away everything my ego hung on to in order to feel better. Somewhere along the way I also seem to have lost a lot of passion for the things and processes that used to motivate me – art, cooking, learning, exploring, shopping, and sex (in my earlier years). I guess that goes hand in hand with separating me from everything outside of me that I used to feel better.
What am I left with?
I am left with the wonder of the eternal me. I am left with the inner joy and appreciation of my soul. My inner being. I am less bitter about how my life has progressed and not having what I think I want. When I am feeling down or caught up in emotions that are very strong because they are healing and leaving, just my own energy and thoughts help me feel better.
I can’t say I am happy but I AM more content.
It is a unique and amazingly blessed experience to feel safe. I grew up feeling very unsafe - always on guard, on edge, angry, defensive etc. VERY recently, after being purged of another level of mother issues, I realized I had no idea what it was/is like to feel safe. Once that kind of realization surfaces it means the healing has already begun. The signs have been there - a rational and professional boss, moving into a home with rational people - but now I am beginning to feel it. <3
IT IS SO DIFFERENT!!!! I don't have all the words yet, but they will come.<3
I am so much more relaxed. I can remind myself easily that things will work out when an something unexpected happens. I am actually aware of how much time I spend NOT feeling anxious. I am able to let go of things that just a week ago worried and frustrated me.
I am so GRATEFUL that some part of me KNEW to keep allowing the inner shifting to be my focus even as my ego was pushing me to go out and DO something.
I even attracted several spiritual counselors/psychics who pushed at me to do something or change my emotions (stop feeling this or that) without any real help on how to change it. Oh plenty of advice but nothing that rang true. I am not someone who has EVER been able to impose my will on myself to change my attitude (ie just think positive, feel the faith again). The underlying emotion or issue has to be healed before true change occurs with me. Until I was able to tap into the energy of feeling safe I was unable to let those old emotions heal. I have also been able to see that I attracted readers who reflected all the old energies coming up for healing (God bless them). It is easier to think more positively now that I feel safer. It is easier to pay attention to when it is appropriate for me to physically do something and when it is just perfect to continue to do nothing. It is easier to be more conciously aware of my connection to my higher self/all that is now.
Sometimes what you think you want is far from what you resonate with. Today I went to visit a potential place to live. It was advertised as a studio connected to a holistic center and the house owner was looking for an assistant also. The location sounded gorgeous – nestled in the trees near a lagoon which in turn is almost right next to the ocean. The owner believes strongly as I do – that we must change the world through bettering our relationship with whatever we call the all-knowing energy of everything (I call it God) and bring that into our everyday lives.
And the longer I sat there and listened to him the more antsy I got. I developed a headache that increased in intensity and I just couldn’t get away. Turns out he wants someone to co create a new program that supposedly has large earning potential rather than hire an assistant, at least 4 other people would be living in the house, the ‘studio’ was actually an older furnished bedroom and bath with a tiny galley kitchen located in the bottom of the house, and the guy talked all around what he was trying to say instead of being direct. More importantly I felt so much sticky energy it was uncomfortable.
On paper (or rather craigs list) it looked perfect but not so. I learned that I am now willing to let go of how I think my next place to live ‘should’ look. I re-remembered the words mean nothing - it is the energy behind it that makes all the difference. I also relearned that if I am not intuitively getting an enthusiastic yes, the answer is no.
Try this: Clasp your hands. Notice which hand has the thumb in between the thumb and forefinger of the other hand (for me it was the right). Now re-clasp your hands differently - with the thumb of the other hand in between the thumb and forefinger of the opposite hand than before (for me so my left thumb is cradled in between the right hand’s thumb and forefinger). OR just brush your teeth with the other hand. Feels weird, maybe even wrong, doesn’t it?
Yet, it expands your perspective and interrupts the same old mind chatter you have had going each day. For those of you trying so hard to be more positive and /or more open to magic and miracles sometimes you just need a little different perspective as your very next step. It doesn’t really work for you, or anyone, to try to just think different thoughts or stop feeling a certain way. That stuff comes from within and takes more inner work than that. Imposing your will on the rest of you just causes problems such as suppression or old patterns and emotions rather than healing.
So what if you just did something differently today? What if you took an extra minute to appreciate the flowers (or stop too throw a snowball) with no expectations except it is something a tiny bit different than you did the day before? Or what if you try to brush your teeth or eat with a different hand, or go a different route to work? This kind of exploration can be really fun and interesting if you don’t have any expectations except to do something differently as often as you think about it. It disrupts the routine of everyday life and of your thoughts. Most people become more mindful, present, and flexible. That allows the universe to work through and with your inner spirit easier.
AHH!!! That moment of pure delight when all the boundaries to being who you truly are just drop. Even now, three days later, I still am deeply moved to tears.
I received fabulous guidance through a friend to go outside and color, to listen to the wind and let the light in, and to be somewhere with trees where I could see the ocean. I have been doing it since last week and find myself very peaceful and settled when done.
I have a huge book of mandalas to color and the decision of which color to use comes to me intuitively. Often I am surprised by how it turns out because I stay so much in the moment, I don’t pay attention to the whole thing. I only pay attention to what color comes to me intuitively to be used. Sunday I started with black. Then I HAD to use a very dark pink. I rounded it out with some green but the mandala is basically black and pink. I had no idea why I picked those colors because I have never colored with black before.
Well at the same time I am coloring I noticed a very loud crow was making lots of noise. I know crows bring messages from higher beings – at least they always have for me. I even said (yes, out loud in a public park) to the crow that I knew it brought messages, what did it have for me. BUT I didn’t listen. I got distracted and continued coloring with colors I don’t usually use. I finished the mandala but didn’t feel calm at all so I went for a walk and then came back to do another one.
Well the SAME crow came back to talk to me, louder than ever. This time I laughed and put the coloring pencils down and went internal to listen.
I saw the crow in my head, gloriously and richly black with a pink ribbon in its mouth. The colors were the same as the first mandala I colored!! Clearly some part of me was paying attention even if the energy was not conscious yet. When I saw the ribbon I smiled and in my head said “oh present for me??!!” I said yes, I would accept the present.
I then had a moment of complete silence – even the ‘noise’ of the psychic energy vanished – then I heard laughter from all the spirit beings around me. And in that moment many things happened at once. The ribbon in my vision came into my body, threading its way through in a spiral. The knowledge came to me that this was not only a present from God but it was actually God’s presence at another vibrational level. When I got that, my body flushed with light and sparkles zoomed. The delight that came at the word play was visceral. For that moment I was everything and all with no boundaries to the energy around me, no separation between me and the spirit beings, or me and the crow or the trees, or me and my body
It was intense and it was fast. I was crying and clapping when I came back to myself (yes again, in a public park- I just didn’t care). My whole body tingled from the energy and that energy ran intensely as I was integrating until Tuesday afternoon. I accept all presents from and the presence of the divine!!!!
Wallowing for Growth
Don’t you love it when the exact perfect information comes to you at the exact right time? For me it is even more special when it comes from a dear friend who is listening to her intuition and calls me up at night just when I need the support and love. THEN I actually listened and did it today.
I asked what do I need to feel better about me and my life? I wanted to feel more present, more satisfied, happy and calm. Her intuitive answer was to listen to the wind, follow the light and color outside – color mandalas. *She didn’t know I had just bought a book of mandalas to color!!*
So I went where I was guided where I could be surrounded by grass and trees and still see the ocean. It was a sunny warm day and I colored. As I focused on the colors that wanted to be on the page I began paying attention to the world around me.
Instead of just listening to the wind I indulged in it. I let it flow through my energy, I let it surround me through me and I was reminded of gentleness, calmness and compassionate loving. Instead of looking at the sun I wallowed in it. I let it light up my energy and watched old crispy stuff fall out. I felt some old emotions I have been carrying around lighten up and recede and heal. I watched the vastness of the ocean and was reminded of being that vast myself while in a human body. And the trees, those lovely green trees (this IS California) swaying in the wind. They spoke to me of appreciating the earth again, noticing the quiet and sacred beauty.
When I finished coloring I felt full, satisfied, calm and grounded. Very present in my body on earth. EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.
Getting Reconnected or Go Ahead and Miss The Point
Have you noticed how spirit/ your higher self will do its best to get you ‘on track’ if you start down a side path?? It sure happens to me and recently it actually occurred with something enjoyable instead of the usual old painful way.
I have been withdrawing more and more from the ‘spiritual’ side of my life, trying for almost a year to dim the passion I have for assisting others with their spiritual evolution. Interesting how that is when I began to put on weight (duh!!). I got very caught up in the day to day work needed to grow my finances and the work that was doing that had nothing to do with assisting others in their spiritual growth or using the skills I gained from my earlier business career or my many degrees. I was not happy doing it but at least my income was growing and when my car broke down I could get a loan for a new one (and a credit card for the new compute I had to purchase recently). I have tried over and over to balance and blend my spiritual awareness with what I feel I have to do to make money but I do not feel very successful at it.
I continued to work on myself to allow myself to integrate more of my higher knowing into my physical awareness. That only made the gap bigger. But OOOH when I did get to work with people it was magical and more and more powerful.
I was all excited when it felt like my desire to make fabric art was coming back. I saw mention of the Road to California quilt show and noticed it is only 90 minutes from me and felt called to go. Since I haven’t had a vacation in 4 years I decided to go up the day before, see friends, stay overnight in a hotel (a very nice treat) then go to the show. Or I was led to do that – these days my intuition works differently and what feels like fun and feels right is often my intuition’s guidance.
The bath I was looking forward to was no big deal. (I have been living in other people’s houses for 2.5 years and, except for one time where I paid to take a mineral bath, have not had a long tub soak in all that time. I used to love long soaks). The show I was really looking forward to was too crowded and didn’t really inspire me. So what was the point of the trip?
Well, all the driving and the hotel helped me allow my energy to expand out to where it is more comfortable, and a fantastic conversation about the new way of healing that marries western medical modality with complementary energy healing with an orthopedic surgeon helped me reawaken my passion full force for helping others by ‘reading’ their energy and assisting with their ascension process, especially in their bodies.
THAT was the whole point of the trip. The point wasn’t to inspire me to make fabric art again but to go somewhere that worked to assist me in reconnecting with my passionate purpose in this life (beyond my own experiential inner growth). I do not know how to maintain this connection given how my life is structured now but I guess if I can be guided to re-awaken so easily I can be guided on how to integrate and maintain awareness of it in a more balanced way. At least that is my intention!!
Now that I am practicing loving myself and being the love that I truly am there are a few things I have been guided to give up.
I have given up or am working on giving up:
People who only want to be with me if they feel bad so I will cheer them up.
People who spend every minute with me talking about themselves or their kids.
Listening to others complaining.
Participating in events that don’t feel uplifting to me.
Following through on obligations, real or perceived, that do not serve me.
Forcing things in any way – whether it is a career going nowhere or an old computer that just refuses to work.
Trying to explain anything to people who want to cling to their limiting beliefs and emotions (especially anger).
Pretending to like something or someone or to be something I am not.
Doing whatever it takes to get approval from others.
Hoping for something that I used to perceive as better in the future (I mean, come on, what is better than loving yourself completely?).
Being defensive with angry, pushy, aggressive people.
Finishing books or movies I don’t like.
Eating salads when I want hot, cooked food.
Beating myself up over gaining weight, eating too much food, eating the wrong food, not exercising enough – or anything else I can find (this is a work in progress for sure).
Second guessing myself when I am intuitively guided to tell someone something during a session that I know they don’t want to hear (another work in progress).
Saying bad things to my body in my head (the most intense work in progress).
Birthdays and Holidays. They bring up all sorts of inner beliefs and expectations that are usually hidden but govern our lives anyway. Those beliefs and expectations all get exposed on the ascension path, more so now that the energies are so intensely encouraging (i.e. poking and pushing) us to let them go.
I realized yesterday, on my birthday, that I am still looking for magic on that one day each year that marks the anniversary of my birth. It stems from a horrible childhood that was brightened one day a year when I was celebrated with a cake of my choice, a special dinner and presents. Every family member was there to celebrate me (or pretend to). It was my validation that I could survive everything I put up with the remainder of the year. I felt 'right' and 'whole' that day.
Yesterday, on my birthday, it hit me that I still live life like that. Most of my current life is about doing what is necessary to be halfway comfortable and to serve others, including ‘putting up with’ people that I have attracted into my life just so I won’t feel lonely, following a grueling medication regime to be halfway healthy, and working a job that mostly trashes my body. So if I do not have a great birthday as I define it, with everyone I know wishing me happy birthday and giving me lots of cards/gifts, I feel cheated, angry and depressed.
I guess if I want to be ‘served’ and feted on my birthday that badly I am clearly not totally on board with how I am serving others and the world each day. I also am still looking for validation and love outside of myself. I need balance. The serving needs to come from heartfelt joy and inner full satisfaction. For me that comes from recognizing, remembering and reconnecting with who I truly am – an eternal flow of energy while in this body.
I have been loving myself in a committed and continuous way for a few months now and this is one of the inner beliefs/expectations that used to be in the way of that love fully integrating and being lived. I am very happy this awareness came to my consciousness and that I KNOW these beliefs and the accompanying long-held emotions are healing. Happy Birthday to me!!
So apparently it isn’t just relationships that don’t work that fall away as you come back to yourself in this crazy ascension process. I began focusing on loving and accepting myself more last September (of 2013) and was intuitively guided to make several changes for my health. Over the next year a major positive change also happened with part of the way I make a living. This past October I began deliberately connecting with loving myself each and every time I get annoyed, angry, anxious and resentful. I also radiate love out to situations and people involved in helping me bring up those emotions. The results have been very interesting. I certainly didn’t think I would see results so fast but I have.
My spiritual healing facilitation business has revived, I am more easily setting boundaries around people that I would previously have lowered my energy to help (i.e. commiserate with), and two very expensive items left my life. Both my car and my computer had to be replaced. There wasn’t a lot of warning (to be fair -there was some but nothing that made it seem as if replacement had to be immediate, until it had to be) or any drama. And the replacement items and method of obtaining them both were drama free; another lovely side benefit of all this love.
Both the car and the computer were bought during times of deep depression, anger and self-loathing. I never liked the car but was too afraid to get anything better because of the costs and because I am not sure I thought I was allowed to have a better car. I chose the specific computer I did to work with someone easily on a major accounting project that was promised, started then yanked from me unceremoniously. I had leftover negative feelings around both objects. Once I started loving myself I couldn’t continue using these objects.
I am finding some low level anxiety and negativity just gone now that these items have been replaced and because they were replaced so fast and easy. It helps me appreciate how much I have changed and living everyday life easier.