I know my commitment is to my spiritual path in this life and everything else is sublimated to that. I release, surrender, listen to my intuition to serve the greater ‘good’ the best I can. However, I discovered recently that I am not as surrendered or humble in my heart as I thought or desire, as it appears that there remains a part of me that still sees/feels serving is only about others and is just waiting for the time when it will be my turn to be served and celebrated.
That time for me each year is my birthday. That is the time I expect there to be celebration of and for me. My ego really wants other people to join in that celebration. After all I support others a lot during the year shouldn’t there be at least one time when I don’t have to give, when others give to me and celebrate how wonderful I am? Yes I am aware of how that reads but that is the truth of this part of me (read on before you get too judgy). It is also part of the way I have gotten through some of the harsher lessons of my ascension/spiritual growth process.
This year I got a huge does of humble pie for my birthday as no one was around to celebrate me. I had expectations of my friends and family around my birthday and they did not fulfill them (and the one family member I had NO expectations of actually wished me happy birthday in our family’s traditional way). I was heart sick because I thought I was creating a better life with people who I could count on to be there when it was important to me. On top of that, everything I wanted to do fell apart – even to the level of trying to get gas for my car that day (the place was packed).
I went home after the gas fiasco, realized I was getting very dramatic about all of this, calmed down, and reached inside of me to nurture the part that has never felt loved or celebrated; the part that will do for others so that at some point others will do for me; the part that holds so tight to the expectation that at least on my birthday someone will act as if they love me and do something fun with me – even maybe pay for it to help me feel special. I also embraced the part that has wholeheartedly (or as whole as I can get) served to help humanity and individuals, from clients to strangers, with the expectation of seeing change within them in a way I judge to be better, and possibly getting some kind of ‘reward’ from the universe.
My big birthday revelation is that serving is VERY different than I thought. It involves surrendering so thoroughly to the love that is ALL of us that there is no part of me searching for love or validation outside of me or for any kind of reward from anyone or the universe. It means I serve my highest good, knowing (and intending) that it is the highest good of others too. It means I exist as the love energy period – no need for return of it in a certain way from others at any time. I serve myself as the expanded all that is, that everyone is, because I too am love. This way I can truly assist in anyone’s and everyone’s fulfillment of their divine purpose and passion.
It was a hurtful lesson with fabulous results.
One of the most beautiful results is that I am taking better care of myself and finally addressing some pretty scary health issues. My outlook and actions are different now in every area of my life.
I joined a gym with tons of classes and have been enjoying everything my intuition tells me to try. I am not fighting the need to exercise but I am not pushing myself to do what my body cannot to assuage any fears or ‘shoulds’. I am going to the beach every day to sit in the sun and meditate, relaxing into gratefulness as a way to ease me into such an expanded awareness that I need the exercising to help my body hold the energy. I am not panicking about money, I am embracing that I am always guided and provided for and, lo and behold, money is flowing (a bit slower than I like but at least not dammed up). I am making appointments with clients at times that work for me instead of dropping everything I had planned to be there the moment they want me. And I have energetically let go of all the friendships where I do not feel uplifted when I am with the person, and where the relationship energy is based on old issues rather than just fun and companionship.
All in all best birthday gift ever. Thank you to all of you who made it possible.
PS – I did have some lovely birthday wishes from some great people (including lots of facebook friends) just not the ones I expected or through I was close to.
I woke up yesterday knowing that much of the heaviness of my past has (finally) been released enough that I can now assume my future can be different than I was expecting. It can be lighter, happier, more creative and more financially abundant. I feel reborn and unformed, excited to try new things and not too impatient (yet) to begin that trying.
I know I have heard (you probably have too) that my (your) future is not or does not have to be based on your past. But when you (I) are carrying so much heavy energy, old beliefs/expectations and emotions, we often feel as if we are carrying a big huge heavy endless burden or that we are slogging along in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper rather than soaring to the highest and grandest version of ourselves on earth. I have had many discussions with various people about how no matter how much ‘processing’, allowing or intending we do, we don’t feel all that different.
The intensity of the energies over the past few months has changed that - or at least it has for me. We now have the opportunity to make great changes or allow the changes we have already made become more conscious. I feel like I can take a deep breath and really relax. My body has been doing its best to release the remaining old stuff too, sometimes quite painfully. However, my commitment to loving myself and nurturing myself through energy and emotional work AND physical support is resolving some of that intense body sensation. YAY.
It’s happening!! It’s happening.
Ok remember all those channelings that said we have to clean up our thoughts/emotions and energy because there would be a time when our desires would be fulfilled faster? Some of our thoughts were too ugly or non-compassionate to be fulfilled. I have had some very little things happening like that for about a year but not consistently and with enough time in between the demanding and happening that it often took a while for me to recognize it. Well it has stepped up quite a bit.
On Monday I was craving salmon but was uncomfortable spending the money to buy some as it is so expensive. I put it in the same mental pile with other things I was craving – a long-needed chiropractic adjustment, a nice hot soak in a tub, etc. I think I also spent the same day, or the day before, commanding (with some accompanying demanding) the universe to bring me more income that does not involve me taking on any additional cleaning jobs and doesn’t hurt me in the process of getting it. I have been doing some cleaning as part of the way I earn income. It serves its purpose and certainly brings with it a certain sense of satisfaction when the house is done (and I get to work alone for the most part) but does not resonate with my heart at all.
Well……..A very lovely and loving person offered to pay for 2 chiropractic sessions this week. They were heavenly.
On Tuesday I was rear ended on the way to do a meet and greet for a job. It was quick and the other driver was cooperative. The damage to my car was such that I knew I wouldn’t bother fixing it unless the other driver’s insurance company paid for everything and I didn’t feel hurt at the time. It turns out the other insurance company accepted full responsibility for the accident but refused to pay for something I must have to rent a car for 4 days (the insurance I don't have on my car ) so I asked for the check to be sent to me. They are and it that should pay my taxes for this year, and have just enough extra to add to what I earn so I can pay rent during these next few slow months. The chiropractic sessions, plus a lot of love from my facebook friends, took care of the soreness that showed up the next day.
That same day, the people I went to meet said they bought too much food for their vacation and gave me a huge (over 2 lbs) piece of salmon!! I almost cried right in front of them as I let the energy of beleiving in this way of manifesting wash through me.
That is three things I wanted fulfilled with minimal time between the demanding and the fulfilling and I wasn’t hurt badly to make it happen (as has been the case in my past). AND it was made very obvious so I couldn’t miss the actions. WOW. You can bet I am spending more time loving myself up to be careful about where I put my energy and my demands!!!!
What If you pretend you have an energy dial that measures how much self-love you have? It goes from 0 to 10. Can you ask to see or know where your dial is? If it is not at 10, go ahead and turn it up.
For those of you who don't remember, before the digital/computerized-everything age we used to have dials on machines that controlled and/or measured the flow of something. If they were on a radio they showed which frequency a radio was attuned to, on other machines they show the level of something. The higher the number the higher the level of whatever you were controlling or measuring.
I have been listening to healing mp3’s for something else that talk about my trust dial. My trust dial has been slowly turning up each day (it is now at 7 out of 10) – and now my feeling safe dial is aso increasing. Just to see, I asked about my self-love dial. All the intuitive guidance I have been receiving lately is about loving and healing my body. The integration of more of my higher self into the body is especially intense as my body catches up with my spiritual, energetic and emotional expansive growth.
My self-love dial wasn’t even on 0, it was broken. It had trash all around it and the dial was hanging off its support. I was a bit shocked because I have been intending that my self-love increase for years. I asked for the dial to be cleaned up and repaired. Then I asked for it to be energized, tuned up and turned up.
So what is your self-love dial set on?
I had an epiphany the other day. Ok it was after years of hearing the same things from many different sources but never believing it, not even once. I am not wrong. I am not too fat, too tall, too smart, too direct, too blunt, too honest, too emotional, too saggy, too old, too unhealthy, too spiritual or too loud to attract a partner.
But what does that leave? The very thing I was afraid of – ME!!!
I think this knowledge floated across my consciousness some years ago but I shied away from really getting it because I didn’t want to believe I am just not loveable. Of course, that is where my inner saboteur goes – if it isn’t my body or my demeanor then I must not be loveable.
But that isn’t it either.
I made an agreement with myself before I was born that I would not let myself be distracted by a relationship from achieving immense spiritual growth this life time. I also have craved approval and some way to fill the inner love gap from others, almost demanding it as a condition of friendship. That has translated into not having long term love-partnerships with men, not having children and not allowing close friendships with anyone. I couldn’t seem to get that agreement or the inner craving changed so I really embraced a lot of self-judgment to distract me. Well, as with everything illusory, I can no longer hide behind any of that.
Through amazing spiritual growth I have learned to love myself more and more and can no longer support the theory/belief that anything with my body or personality is wrong, not enough or too much. I have also learned that what I am truly craving is total self -approval and self- love and expansiveness.
These days I am going through a period of learning to love, accept and support my body. After all, my body is my energy also and if I deny or dislike this part of my energy how can any other part of me feel loved and accepted? So I am who and what I am –God/Universe expressed perfectly in this divinely created human body. Knowing that, I intend to release all limitations to any and all relationships that supports the highest and best version of me here on earth.
I love it when I deliberately do the inner work to change something and it happens!! I don’t always get to see the results of my efforts/intentions so quickly, and this latest example has been years in the making, but for this specific incident it seemed fast.
I have always had an extreme reaction to people telling me I am doing something wrong, as if making a mistake is an extremely shameful act. It gets worse if they are riding me about every little detail of every communication made, if it pertains to something that doesn’t seem that important to me, if it is not something I could have anticipated, or if it comes from someone who makes a lot of errors him/herself. One of the people I work for was in that mode this past week and I was having a very tough time with it emotionally.
Then, of course, I made a lot more mistakes than I usually do, which was driving me nuts also. I did a lot of inner work and finally calmed down enough to understand this was happening as a result of some clearing I needed to do. I intended that this person be surrounded with lots and lots of love while I worked on re-opening my heart and embracing ALL of the anxiety around the whole issue. I did bunches of inner work on feeling safe, trusting, loving myself, and self-worth
This morning when I received an email from her telling me what I ‘should’ have done in a particular situation, something I didn’t even think of doing, I didn’t even react. She didn’t change, I DID, and happily so. I was then able to see/tell that a lot of what I had been assuming about her moods were all the result of my own issues. Happy Day and great reminder.
I have a luxuriously soft blanket that I love. I roll around on it, wrap myself up in it, rub it across my face, and smile every time I feel how soft it is. It cost more than I wanted to pay, and I argued with my intuitive guidance that it was too much but I was guided to buy it anyway. Just to keep it in perspective- it was only $35 and I had no warm covers (only sheets), but that is a lot of money for me.
Why is this important for me to share this with you all? Well it is a beautiful outward symbol of me coming to love myself more. I rarely allow myself any comfort in my life other than an occasional massage. I don’t deliberately deny it but so much of my life has been hard or about deprivation and loss that I shy away from comfort, as if some part of me knows it will be taken away or it will create some other kind of problem. Additionally, in spite of all the inner healing, integration and spiritual transformation I have not loved my body or being human. It is something that has recently been brought up very clearly and somewhat forcefully (so I would pay attention) for me to heal.
It was brought to my attention through a health crisis. Yes, at the very same time I have been struggling and allowing love for my human physical existence during this past month or so, my life has gotten more restrictive due to the health issue and ongoing lack of financial comfort. Also it seems my normal support system of people just vanished. Without the only external forms of comfort I had left, I HAD to turn inward or rather, I chose to because I want to be happier. What it has come down to is opening my heart to more love and painstakingly sharing it unconditionally with all the inner emotional and psychic parts of me that have never felt loved – including my body’s consciousness; and all of this WITHOUT things getting better in my every day physical life.
I can feel the difference in my body’s response to me. Before when I asked what it needed, I heard in a very plaintive and sad voice “to be loved”. Now it has allowed some transformation and is able to communicate more sophisticated thoughts and reactions as we work together to heal this.
I was guided to buy the blanket to enjoy the softness and to have a tangible reminder of the increasing inner self –love. I love my blanket.
Not only are we learning to refuel from our own connection with all that is/source/ our higher self, we are also learning to be discerning about the energy we subject ourselves to.
It isn’t only people and their attitudes that can affect us – various media can too. For instance, take books. I love to lose myself in a good book. I live the story, feel the emotions, and bond with the characters with whom I identify. All of this affects my energy levels too.
As a matter of fact, I had stopped reading books by a particular author I used to love, specifically because it seemed she dwelled so long and dramatically on the darker side of things. What really happened is that she was always that way, but I changed and no longer resonated with the vibration of the world she created with her words. However, I got all excited about a new book by this author because of my memories of how much I used to enjoy her and, besides, it got a lot of press. Somehow I forgot how I didn’t like the way I felt when I read her work and also thought the energy in her books might be better than it was before. NOOooooOO. After 50 pages (I read VERY fast so that wasn’t much time) I closed the book, got in the car and took it back to the library. Then I had to do a lot of inner work to change my energy back to me and to let go of whatever I connected to at that low vibration.
Now I am trying to pay attention before I subject myself to the lower vibrations of all kinds of things and people.
Spiritual evolution doesn’t occur in a straight line or only with sunshine and flowers. Sometimes you go through a lot of emotional turmoil while you are realizing the old way isn’t working and release long held beliefs and emotions to allow a new way of being. I am very aware of these emotions every step of the way. I am sharing my inner thought/emotional process because my intuition tells me to, but also in the hopes that any who read this will be kinder to themselves and others going through anything like this. Besides, sometimes my stream of consciousness amuses people!!
‘You just need a breakthrough and wonderful worlds will be available to you.’ I am paraphrasing but this is what someone recently said to me during a very frustrating time when I reached out for help and she answered. I immediately recognized the truth of the words in the midst of everything we were talking about, I just had no idea how to make it happen (or allow it).
Ever since I left my executive job in 1999, I have felt I was destined to help people on a big scale. Then when nothing happened, and I actually lost more than I gained year after year (friends, money, ideas, my health, beliefs, etc.), I decided it was my ego not my intuition telling me that. Then just as I thought I had resigned myself to a small life barely eking out a living and helping people when I could, people began telling me they could intuitively feel or just knew all kinds of abundance was around me just waiting for me to believe and to break through the last block. We are talking years that people have been telling me this, and it still hasn’t happened.
I have released, opened, changed, affirmed, embraced, meditated and tried all sorts of other techniques (too many to list) and it still hasn’t happened. I still have hope and I still follow my intuition the best I can, but I am still doing a lot of odd jobs that mean nothing to me to earn money and renting rooms in other people’s houses where I have no space (and not much privacy) of my own .
Now I am not going to stop helping people move along in their spiritual growth because that is who I am and I cling to hope although the piece of it that I am holding on to gets smaller and smaller.
It took me 5 years to get to the place of having enough piecemeal work to earn an income. I didn’t have the luxury of holding out for what makes my heart sing or waiting for the fabulous life I was envisioning to actually materialize (good thing, because it still hasn’t).
How do you break through any block when you have tried everything that comes along that you can afford and that your intuition has led you too? When you know that there is a block because so many intuitive people tell you there is and tell you they can feel the very things you want in your energy field? When I can feel those wonderful things so strongly that I cannot accept where I am, how things are now, no matter how much I surrender and embrace my ego.
Well here’s how I handle it. I cuss at God for a while, I gripe about bringing people to me to torture me with the very thing I cannot seem to do. I remember that if I don’t change my inner emotions nothing changes and use that to make me feel better. I use that to try to have patience – to believe it will happen someday. Truth is I HAVE NO IDEA how to make it happen. Those exercises everyone suggests don’t work with me. They don’t ring true to me – either because they are not the right thing or my ego is in the way.
I ALLOW I ALLOW I ALLOW. Make it happen.
I don’t want to chase any ‘cure’ or change just to get money, but I want to balance my outer physical life with my inner spiritual life. When I feel connected to the divine I am so happy, satisfied and expanded. I am in love. But the state of my life interferes – there is so much I do not like. I get I am responsible and I need to make changes to create something different but I have tried so many things and it gets just a teeny tiny bit better (sometimes). I cannot maintain a positive attitude, a grateful attitude, and a loving attitude when I have so many things I do not like in my life and so many that I think I want NOT in my life.
I am better than I used to be – less angry, less judgmental, even financially better - and still do not have what I want. That crap of saying affirmations, just change how you feel, or focusing exclusively on what you want doesn’t/hasn’t worked for me. The only thing that worked monetarily was being willing to take jobs doing stuff I don’t care about and, in some cases, hurt. So yes, I have more money coming in than I used to but still not enough to live comfortably and not doing enough of what is my passion.
And that is another thing. I thought my passion is helping others in their spiritual growth. Although after this rant I am not sure anyone would believe I could do that. I am DAMN good at it. Really. But not so good at helping myself create a comfortable, enjoyable life. As I write this I am aware that I am not angry – just sort of resigned to it; not quite accepting or I wouldn’t be ranting.
So I am back to the beginning – HOW DO I CHANGE THIS? OR how do I allow the change to happen. What needs to be different?
What if nothing needs to be different? What if I have done the work to get there and it IS happening just slower than I expected or wanted? Or what if it is going to look differently than I and others think? What if all the words others tell me are from their filters and really have nothing to do with me? I sure hope that is the case because I have no idea what else to do.
After writing all of this I kept focusing on loving myself, on allowing. I didn’t know what else to do. I talked to others to get help but nothing was resonating except for additional messages to love myself more. The pressure inside of me built and built. Then one day at dusk looking at the moon and the ocean a wave of dizziness past through me. I stepped from one level of being into another (as if a veil was lifted) and felt it viscerally, not the usual way I process. For the 4 days that have passed after that happened I have noticed that the inner victim energy (of feeling punished because I have to do or be around so much I don’t like) is gone. I haven’t been getting angry at my circumstances or beating myself up about them. My outer life didn’t change but my attitude did and I like being calmer. All the frustration in the earlier part of this rant is gone. Some of the thoughts are still there but the emotional charge is gone, so the thoughts can leave too.
I guess the frustration had to reach a certain point in order for me to allow the internal change that was next, or some part of me believed that so it is what happened. Once this happened it opened the door for much more growth and awareness and I was able to connect with a very advanced soul who helped me with an incredible breakthrough and blossoming that I will write about in a future blog.
Recently I was not feeling great – lots of internal worry, irritation and restlessness. I forget EACH AND EVERY time that this state of being usually foretells a big shift within me and desperately wanted some ease and help from others. I reached out to Facebook for some help as none of my acquaintances or friends where available either physically or emotionally (all in perfect accord but still annoying at the time).
I received back so much love. It was a beautiful thing and I am convinced it helped me relax enough to focus on what was going on within me to allow the shift to the next level of beingness. One person even imagined me in an incubator of love, isn’t that great?
I was re-reminded however to pay attention to the core pieces of info and ignore all the advice that people felt necessary to tack on. Three different people told me in one way or another that I needed to love myself more. Not one gave me any way to do this that fit for me. One person was honest enough to say she didn’t know how but the other two had very specific exercises that worked for them. I even asked one if she was receiving intuitive info that it would actually work for me (it didn’t seem so but wow it had certainly worked for her in a beautiful way).
What I do know for me is that change has to come from within. It doesn’t work to use my will to change behavior if the inner energies/beliefs/emotions do not back it up. I know some people can do this, I cannot (and yes I have tried and tried). So after the third time of hearing this I finally was able to let go of some of the frustration I felt at what I perceived as the lack of help, and begin opening within to the love that I am. I have a long way to go to knowing I love myself but after a few days I was able to connect with the one person in my life who always helps me breakthrough. I am not sure I would have been ready had I not listened to the truth of what people were saying rather than their personality’s need to share what they believe might work.