I am 54 - well past the age where I should have to even bother with how I look. I am definitely in the wise woman stage of my life. I started working out to improve my health yet the vast amount of 'crap' around looks and weight that is moving on up and out to be healed and loved up obfuscated the whole reason I thought I was guided to join a gym. I am surprised there is still so much, including the belief that if I am not thin enough or look good enough (according to some standard I will never meet) I won't find a partner. And maybe THAT IS one of the reasons I was pretty much pushed into a gym – to heal all that stuff.
(Now, mind you, I have never had a partner in this life even though I still seem to be clinging to the notion that I want one. In my continuing inner discovery of who I am I might find out I really don't, but not yet.)
I seem to have lost the focus of better health and fortifying my body to hold the vast amount of energies that flow through and want to stick, as well as releasing anything that no longer resonates with the incredibly high vibration my body is moving into. The incredibly wonderful notion that I am bringing all the spiritual energy fully into the body (FINALLY) just went away as I go to a gym every day where people work out to look good and as all that stuff that I sublimated as I have lived is purging itself out of me (oh and as the owner of another place I joined to use machines to help reduce inflammation and heal joint pain decided he needed to talk to me about my food choices to ‘help’ me lose weight).
So I have taken a step back and regained my focus. I am projecting my unconditionally loving heart energy through me, forgiving myself for lowering my vibration in the face of so many other people’s issues and in the midst of all my inner clearings. I am envisioning that same lovely god energy/all that is/loving energy flowing through the two places I work out to help me remember to be who I truly am when I go. I am considering this just another place to practice being me no matter what else is going on while all the experiences combine to help me continue to expand my awareness of who I am.
What happens to you when you stop and be still? I have been practicing that each night, along with loving myself thoroughly. I have ‘worked’ through so much inner old karma, past life memories, stored emotions and debilitating beliefs and expectations that I am now in a space to be the love I know I am (we all are). Well, for this week, anyway.
Tonight: As I lay here dipping into a higher version of love, I feel the energy flow deep within me – through my body, my emotions, my psyche even. I also begin to hear the never ending voices from many aspects of my higher self reassuring me. At this moment nothing is wrong, nothing needs to be completed, nothing needs to be changed. I am one with the love that I AM. I feel opening within my body’s energy as I get intuitive glimpses of hurts and constrictions dissolving. Every thought is sacred and I am in love with everyone I think of.
In this oneness of love my future does not come to me. I hear that the future is going to be so different that I cannot imagine it and will not limit it by seeing it now while I am still in the grip of some mental and emotional limitations. I am reminded how much more comfortable I am in my body and that the previous underlying ever present flow of fear has not been felt this week.
I am ‘shown’ (it is communicated to me) how much positive effect I can have on the surrounding energies by being in this love place. It is so much more than I could have logically explained. The effect is huge, moving through time, space and matter easily and swiftly. I love that.
I appreciate. Period. I appreciate.
One of the things you learn as you open and blossom spiritually is that you and you alone are responsible for your reactions, your emotions and your choices. No matter what another person chooses, wants or creates, you have choice in how you respond – or if you respond.
It is a very freeing notion but it can also be a scary one. That means there is no way or need to blame anyone else for how you feel around them. The only choice is do you want to continue to be around them, or communicating with them? Check in with your intuition first to find out if it is in your highest and best good to continue the relationship as it is, time to change your perceptions and expectations and let the relationship continue, or time to just let go.
No matter what you choose know it is your choice. Even if the other person makes no change in their behavior or attitude you still have choice. It doesn’t matter what hurtful words might have been exchanged or if there is some blaming or finger pointing going on. The truth is (as I mentioned above) you have full choice and full responsibility. So when you are contemplating how to proceed, focus on your intuition, your reactions, your triggers and emotions not anything about the other person.
I recently had a conversation (well many) with a friend which pointed out some very different perceptions of how our relationship has been going (well we kind of agreed on how it is going, it is the why that was very different). I also noticed a great deal of anger towards her. Now I know if I am that angry there is an expectation I have been carrying that I feel has not been fulfilled. Whatever the expectation is, it is MY expectation and the other person has no obligation to fulfill it, unless there has been a verbal or written agreement specifically made about it. In this case there was not.
So I went inward and found nothing. I expected (there is that word again) to find some anger, hurt, entanglement etc.; and it might be there, I am just not finding it - yet. Maybe I am in shock still from the conversation? Maybe I have acknowledged my responsibility enough that I am at peace with it? I am not feeling bad, guilty or angry (my three ‘go-to’ usual responses). But it is more likely that I trust enough to know that this will work out the way it is supposed to for our highest good. I will have the enlightening moments of clarity when I am ready and the relationship will evolve in a manner exactly designed for our best spiritual growth. I have let go of the anger/blaming I was doing and whatever expectation I had of her. I am grateful to have had this learning opportunity to embrace more fully my responsibility as it serves to increase my spiritual mastery in the every day world.
I know my commitment is to my spiritual path in this life and everything else is sublimated to that. I release, surrender, listen to my intuition to serve the greater ‘good’ the best I can. However, I discovered recently that I am not as surrendered or humble in my heart as I thought or desire, as it appears that there remains a part of me that still sees/feels serving is only about others and is just waiting for the time when it will be my turn to be served and celebrated.
That time for me each year is my birthday. That is the time I expect there to be celebration of and for me. My ego really wants other people to join in that celebration. After all I support others a lot during the year shouldn’t there be at least one time when I don’t have to give, when others give to me and celebrate how wonderful I am? Yes I am aware of how that reads but that is the truth of this part of me (read on before you get too judgy). It is also part of the way I have gotten through some of the harsher lessons of my ascension/spiritual growth process.
This year I got a huge does of humble pie for my birthday as no one was around to celebrate me. I had expectations of my friends and family around my birthday and they did not fulfill them (and the one family member I had NO expectations of actually wished me happy birthday in our family’s traditional way). I was heart sick because I thought I was creating a better life with people who I could count on to be there when it was important to me. On top of that, everything I wanted to do fell apart – even to the level of trying to get gas for my car that day (the place was packed).
I went home after the gas fiasco, realized I was getting very dramatic about all of this, calmed down, and reached inside of me to nurture the part that has never felt loved or celebrated; the part that will do for others so that at some point others will do for me; the part that holds so tight to the expectation that at least on my birthday someone will act as if they love me and do something fun with me – even maybe pay for it to help me feel special. I also embraced the part that has wholeheartedly (or as whole as I can get) served to help humanity and individuals, from clients to strangers, with the expectation of seeing change within them in a way I judge to be better, and possibly getting some kind of ‘reward’ from the universe.
My big birthday revelation is that serving is VERY different than I thought. It involves surrendering so thoroughly to the love that is ALL of us that there is no part of me searching for love or validation outside of me or for any kind of reward from anyone or the universe. It means I serve my highest good, knowing (and intending) that it is the highest good of others too. It means I exist as the love energy period – no need for return of it in a certain way from others at any time. I serve myself as the expanded all that is, that everyone is, because I too am love. This way I can truly assist in anyone’s and everyone’s fulfillment of their divine purpose and passion.
It was a hurtful lesson with fabulous results.
One of the most beautiful results is that I am taking better care of myself and finally addressing some pretty scary health issues. My outlook and actions are different now in every area of my life.
I joined a gym with tons of classes and have been enjoying everything my intuition tells me to try. I am not fighting the need to exercise but I am not pushing myself to do what my body cannot to assuage any fears or ‘shoulds’. I am going to the beach every day to sit in the sun and meditate, relaxing into gratefulness as a way to ease me into such an expanded awareness that I need the exercising to help my body hold the energy. I am not panicking about money, I am embracing that I am always guided and provided for and, lo and behold, money is flowing (a bit slower than I like but at least not dammed up). I am making appointments with clients at times that work for me instead of dropping everything I had planned to be there the moment they want me. And I have energetically let go of all the friendships where I do not feel uplifted when I am with the person, and where the relationship energy is based on old issues rather than just fun and companionship.
All in all best birthday gift ever. Thank you to all of you who made it possible.
PS – I did have some lovely birthday wishes from some great people (including lots of facebook friends) just not the ones I expected or through I was close to.
I woke up yesterday knowing that much of the heaviness of my past has (finally) been released enough that I can now assume my future can be different than I was expecting. It can be lighter, happier, more creative and more financially abundant. I feel reborn and unformed, excited to try new things and not too impatient (yet) to begin that trying.
I know I have heard (you probably have too) that my (your) future is not or does not have to be based on your past. But when you (I) are carrying so much heavy energy, old beliefs/expectations and emotions, we often feel as if we are carrying a big huge heavy endless burden or that we are slogging along in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper rather than soaring to the highest and grandest version of ourselves on earth. I have had many discussions with various people about how no matter how much ‘processing’, allowing or intending we do, we don’t feel all that different.
The intensity of the energies over the past few months has changed that - or at least it has for me. We now have the opportunity to make great changes or allow the changes we have already made become more conscious. I feel like I can take a deep breath and really relax. My body has been doing its best to release the remaining old stuff too, sometimes quite painfully. However, my commitment to loving myself and nurturing myself through energy and emotional work AND physical support is resolving some of that intense body sensation. YAY.
It’s happening!! It’s happening.
Ok remember all those channelings that said we have to clean up our thoughts/emotions and energy because there would be a time when our desires would be fulfilled faster? Some of our thoughts were too ugly or non-compassionate to be fulfilled. I have had some very little things happening like that for about a year but not consistently and with enough time in between the demanding and happening that it often took a while for me to recognize it. Well it has stepped up quite a bit.
On Monday I was craving salmon but was uncomfortable spending the money to buy some as it is so expensive. I put it in the same mental pile with other things I was craving – a long-needed chiropractic adjustment, a nice hot soak in a tub, etc. I think I also spent the same day, or the day before, commanding (with some accompanying demanding) the universe to bring me more income that does not involve me taking on any additional cleaning jobs and doesn’t hurt me in the process of getting it. I have been doing some cleaning as part of the way I earn income. It serves its purpose and certainly brings with it a certain sense of satisfaction when the house is done (and I get to work alone for the most part) but does not resonate with my heart at all.
Well……..A very lovely and loving person offered to pay for 2 chiropractic sessions this week. They were heavenly.
On Tuesday I was rear ended on the way to do a meet and greet for a job. It was quick and the other driver was cooperative. The damage to my car was such that I knew I wouldn’t bother fixing it unless the other driver’s insurance company paid for everything and I didn’t feel hurt at the time. It turns out the other insurance company accepted full responsibility for the accident but refused to pay for something I must have to rent a car for 4 days (the insurance I don't have on my car ) so I asked for the check to be sent to me. They are and it that should pay my taxes for this year, and have just enough extra to add to what I earn so I can pay rent during these next few slow months. The chiropractic sessions, plus a lot of love from my facebook friends, took care of the soreness that showed up the next day.
That same day, the people I went to meet said they bought too much food for their vacation and gave me a huge (over 2 lbs) piece of salmon!! I almost cried right in front of them as I let the energy of beleiving in this way of manifesting wash through me.
That is three things I wanted fulfilled with minimal time between the demanding and the fulfilling and I wasn’t hurt badly to make it happen (as has been the case in my past). AND it was made very obvious so I couldn’t miss the actions. WOW. You can bet I am spending more time loving myself up to be careful about where I put my energy and my demands!!!!
What If you pretend you have an energy dial that measures how much self-love you have? It goes from 0 to 10. Can you ask to see or know where your dial is? If it is not at 10, go ahead and turn it up.
For those of you who don't remember, before the digital/computerized-everything age we used to have dials on machines that controlled and/or measured the flow of something. If they were on a radio they showed which frequency a radio was attuned to, on other machines they show the level of something. The higher the number the higher the level of whatever you were controlling or measuring.
I have been listening to healing mp3’s for something else that talk about my trust dial. My trust dial has been slowly turning up each day (it is now at 7 out of 10) – and now my feeling safe dial is aso increasing. Just to see, I asked about my self-love dial. All the intuitive guidance I have been receiving lately is about loving and healing my body. The integration of more of my higher self into the body is especially intense as my body catches up with my spiritual, energetic and emotional expansive growth.
My self-love dial wasn’t even on 0, it was broken. It had trash all around it and the dial was hanging off its support. I was a bit shocked because I have been intending that my self-love increase for years. I asked for the dial to be cleaned up and repaired. Then I asked for it to be energized, tuned up and turned up.
So what is your self-love dial set on?
I had an epiphany the other day. Ok it was after years of hearing the same things from many different sources but never believing it, not even once. I am not wrong. I am not too fat, too tall, too smart, too direct, too blunt, too honest, too emotional, too saggy, too old, too unhealthy, too spiritual or too loud to attract a partner.
But what does that leave? The very thing I was afraid of – ME!!!
I think this knowledge floated across my consciousness some years ago but I shied away from really getting it because I didn’t want to believe I am just not loveable. Of course, that is where my inner saboteur goes – if it isn’t my body or my demeanor then I must not be loveable.
But that isn’t it either.
I made an agreement with myself before I was born that I would not let myself be distracted by a relationship from achieving immense spiritual growth this life time. I also have craved approval and some way to fill the inner love gap from others, almost demanding it as a condition of friendship. That has translated into not having long term love-partnerships with men, not having children and not allowing close friendships with anyone. I couldn’t seem to get that agreement or the inner craving changed so I really embraced a lot of self-judgment to distract me. Well, as with everything illusory, I can no longer hide behind any of that.
Through amazing spiritual growth I have learned to love myself more and more and can no longer support the theory/belief that anything with my body or personality is wrong, not enough or too much. I have also learned that what I am truly craving is total self -approval and self- love and expansiveness.
These days I am going through a period of learning to love, accept and support my body. After all, my body is my energy also and if I deny or dislike this part of my energy how can any other part of me feel loved and accepted? So I am who and what I am –God/Universe expressed perfectly in this divinely created human body. Knowing that, I intend to release all limitations to any and all relationships that supports the highest and best version of me here on earth.
I love it when I deliberately do the inner work to change something and it happens!! I don’t always get to see the results of my efforts/intentions so quickly, and this latest example has been years in the making, but for this specific incident it seemed fast.
I have always had an extreme reaction to people telling me I am doing something wrong, as if making a mistake is an extremely shameful act. It gets worse if they are riding me about every little detail of every communication made, if it pertains to something that doesn’t seem that important to me, if it is not something I could have anticipated, or if it comes from someone who makes a lot of errors him/herself. One of the people I work for was in that mode this past week and I was having a very tough time with it emotionally.
Then, of course, I made a lot more mistakes than I usually do, which was driving me nuts also. I did a lot of inner work and finally calmed down enough to understand this was happening as a result of some clearing I needed to do. I intended that this person be surrounded with lots and lots of love while I worked on re-opening my heart and embracing ALL of the anxiety around the whole issue. I did bunches of inner work on feeling safe, trusting, loving myself, and self-worth
This morning when I received an email from her telling me what I ‘should’ have done in a particular situation, something I didn’t even think of doing, I didn’t even react. She didn’t change, I DID, and happily so. I was then able to see/tell that a lot of what I had been assuming about her moods were all the result of my own issues. Happy Day and great reminder.
I have a luxuriously soft blanket that I love. I roll around on it, wrap myself up in it, rub it across my face, and smile every time I feel how soft it is. It cost more than I wanted to pay, and I argued with my intuitive guidance that it was too much but I was guided to buy it anyway. Just to keep it in perspective- it was only $35 and I had no warm covers (only sheets), but that is a lot of money for me.
Why is this important for me to share this with you all? Well it is a beautiful outward symbol of me coming to love myself more. I rarely allow myself any comfort in my life other than an occasional massage. I don’t deliberately deny it but so much of my life has been hard or about deprivation and loss that I shy away from comfort, as if some part of me knows it will be taken away or it will create some other kind of problem. Additionally, in spite of all the inner healing, integration and spiritual transformation I have not loved my body or being human. It is something that has recently been brought up very clearly and somewhat forcefully (so I would pay attention) for me to heal.
It was brought to my attention through a health crisis. Yes, at the very same time I have been struggling and allowing love for my human physical existence during this past month or so, my life has gotten more restrictive due to the health issue and ongoing lack of financial comfort. Also it seems my normal support system of people just vanished. Without the only external forms of comfort I had left, I HAD to turn inward or rather, I chose to because I want to be happier. What it has come down to is opening my heart to more love and painstakingly sharing it unconditionally with all the inner emotional and psychic parts of me that have never felt loved – including my body’s consciousness; and all of this WITHOUT things getting better in my every day physical life.
I can feel the difference in my body’s response to me. Before when I asked what it needed, I heard in a very plaintive and sad voice “to be loved”. Now it has allowed some transformation and is able to communicate more sophisticated thoughts and reactions as we work together to heal this.
I was guided to buy the blanket to enjoy the softness and to have a tangible reminder of the increasing inner self –love. I love my blanket.