Like many of you I am very sensitive to the energy around me. I am often reacting to it long before I understand what is going on. Usually, as soon as I stop to tune in to the energy I am able to quell any extreme reactions; that is IF I can stop to tune in.
I just moved from a place where I was so crazed about needing it to be clean and quiet – two things it was not. My new place is actually MUCH dirtier (years of dirt rather than just 4-5 months) and I am not feeling pushed to clean it all right now. The housemate’s door to her bedroom is very loud when it shuts and I notice it but do not react much. If you knew me, you would know that is a big change for me.
What IS different is the energy of the woman who owns the house and her boyfriend. I don’t feel the need to clean up their energy on any level so I don’t feel the need to distract from that by compulsively cleaning her house. Additionally, my psychic nerves are not being violated by someone in the house (as happened in the previous place) so I am calmer and more grounded.
Now I didn’t fully realize what was creating all the inner stress when I lived in the old place until I got into the new place. I had hints and I thought I had been successful at repelling the violating energy but I needed deal with it every day and I didn’t. So even though the housemates here are warm, caring and much more self-responsible, the real issue is that no part of me is reacting negatively to their energy.
I am so thrilled I have changed enough to attract this into my life and to re-remember it is ALWAYS about the energy (either within me or outside of me).
I once had a dream where I was under the ocean and couldn’t come up for air. It occurred to me in the dream that I must be there for a reason and I should just begin to breathe in the water, instead of pushing against the situation to change it. I remember the joy when I realized I could breathe under water. I had already changed but didn't know it because my mind was still expecting things to be the same. It was a watershed (pun intended) moment in my spiritual awakening.
I reused this immediate acceptance of my circumstances during a recent rather stressful search for a new place to live. I discovered the stress was actually due to the healing of a very deeply held fear about being homeless and belief that if I had a lot of money and could afford a nice place something or some people would attack me and take it away. I stopped one day in the middle of my search and breathed in the fear. I went deeper and I totally accepted that fear. Funny, it began healing as soon as I stopped running from it.
Breathe the fears in. Pretend to trust enough to allow and know your own inner magic will be fabulous at healing them and embracing YOU!!
It is funny how our reality is so governed by our perceptions. My reality is that I have too much stuff. As I have been packing to move I have been trying to whittle down my stuff to fewer boxes. Someone else, listening to me describe the volume of my stuff, told me I didn’t have that much. After she said that I began looking at my belongings differently and realized I was frantically trying to make it easier to move and fit into other people’s living spaces.
Now mind you, I have three pieces of bedroom furniture (bed – no fancy frame, small Bombay chest of drawers, and a narrow book shelf), 2 floor lamps, a floor fan, and maybe 23 small boxes of belongings plus some large garbage bags filled with pillows and bed linens. THAT IS IT!! I recognized that in trying to make it easier for me to take smaller and smaller rooms in other people’s homes or apartments I was viewing my meager belongings as too much. I wanted to make sure I didn't cause any problems by having too much stuff. I have now adjusted my perception.
Today I found myself revisiting the thought I have been carrying around about how fat and unattractive I am. Maybe that too is just a skewed perception that can be changed.
When the inner deep still small intuitive voice says make a change – do it. Go beyond the emotional reaction and the mental gymnastics. You can deal with all of that after you make the change.
I have been wrangling with a decision about leaving the place I live in. I do not want to be running away from something because my ego is in self-righteous mode or because I am getting triggered by a particular person’s behaviors. I want to transcend all of that and grow from it. I actually gave notice on May 1 and then went into doubt. I had discussions with two of the three housemates and felt even more insecure with my decision. I had the best, most peaceful afternoon at the place while everyone was gone and went over and over how much I liked the location and the room I have.
Finally I sat down in the middle of all these thoughts and reactive emotions and went inside. I went deep and expansive enough to go beyond the thoughts and emotions and I asked if it was in my highest and best interest to leave.
The answer was immediate, calm and definitive. YES it was time to move for my growth. No other reason. That is good enough for me and I am now enjoying a greater measure of inner peace.
Oh how funny! Here I thought I was going to sit down and write a blog about how we react when we begin to get what we think we want, i.e. the money rolls in, we have choices on where to live (don’t have to just make do), people want to be friends with and in community with you, etc. Then the fear of making a choice comes up – the fear of making the wrong choice, of the other shoe dropping as soon as you make a choice, of it just being a test and maybe you have no idea what to do or how to handle it or the fear of making the highest and best choice for you and what that might lead to (more loss, processing, change that doesn’t feel positive).
BUT in the time between experiencing this for myself and sitting down to write about it I had already shifted. I think it was a total of an hour. It shifted so much it feels like the fear was in another lifetime. Are you finding this? The more you stay fluid the more inner stuff comes up for healing/releasing or integrating and the faster it does?
Just breathe and stay open. These days there may not be anything else you need to do.
WOW!! Embracing being human fully is a trip. I just went to another level of this during this past week. You know, it is a lot easier to appreciate the earth from this integrated and more fulfilled energy space.
Throughout this intense spiritual journey I have not been terribly successful at bridging the gap between the incredible moving and loving spiritual growth and my every day physical existence. My understanding has been that I don’t get what I want, I just have to surrender to whatever comes. I have even had to decide several times if I wanted to stay on earth. I have to tell you it was a decision by default – it just intuitively felt right to stay. I have never enthusiastically or even fearfully (because I was afraid of dying) thought I must stay.
I have healed this from many angles but new information came to light the other day as I once again wanted to release the thought that I don’t get anything I want in this life. I discovered the part of me that held itself back from the total human experience. I felt disdain about being human, as if it is a lower form of existence. I also felt I could not do my job here on earth if I merged too far into being human. My job was to save the world, which I know is leftover from many lifetimes where I assimilated the responsibility of saving various groups/villages, oh yeah, and the Jews (yes, the whole culture). It spilled over into my human life in many ways but the hardest was that I don’t let myself get too deep into relationships (in case I need to move on – physically or spiritually) and my whole life has been about working – working on myself, working to earn money, or working to help others or the world. I have done a pretty good job of releasing the need to save anyone but not in integrating this part that held itself separate (or balancing the work aspect with much of anything else). That is why I have had a continuous impression/feeling of not belonging here and wanting to go home (that I know many lightworkers experience even if it is perhaps for other reasons). And really, that 'saving' job is done so I had no idea what the heck do I do with myself.
This part of me identifies very strongly with the higher dimensions, the universe, the cosmos, anything but grounding to earth. The other day I found myself identifying again strongly with the part that just doesn’t want to be human BUT this time I also saw the loving part that is firmly embodied and expanded into the oneness; and the gap between both. After some intense releasing of other energies, expectations, and sadness at how my human life has been so far I began to embrace that loving energy. The deep inner barrier began to lighten up. It was very very slow and actually has taken many days (and it is not gone but MUCH lighter).
I am calmer, my body is more relaxed and I can see the light on earth easier now. It is also easier to be a compassionate witness to the people around me without needing to jump in, judge or run away. I find I am learning to treasure relationships, down time, breathing, nature and just being in a way that I couldn’t let myself before. I am excited to see what comes
my way from this more fulfilled, accepting place of existence.
I just love feeling supported by people who are loving and kind. Don’t you? I have to admit I have been guilty of judging others and pushing that judgment onto them but I have come to realize that walking my talk means staying compassionately neutral from a loving inner place. Interacting from and with kindness is one of the best and most obvious ways to show this. I try to do this always, although I do slip when my own inner issues get triggered.
I recently had an experience where I was trying to share a very deep and long held issue with an online yahoo list. Someone misunderstood and went on for many emails asserting what I was feeling and how abusive it was to me and how wrong I was etc. She totally missed the point that I wasn’t talking about my feelings but a common underlying belief/issue most of us lightworkers have experienced at some point (you know, the feeling of wanting to go home and not fitting in here on earth). It wasn’t that she misunderstood that was the issue, it was that she then proceeded to be very aggressive about what she thought I should do based on that misunderstanding. Pushing her point of view, implying and writing that I was wrong that I didn’t follow what she said and some other judgmental assertions are certainly not part of loving kindness.
My first reaction was shock at her reaction because I certainly wasn’t aware of feeling the way she decided I was, then resistance. Then I had to take a step back, get more grounded and find what was true for me. I then could appreciate someone else’s posts that also offered suggestions but from a neutral ‘you have choice’ point of view. I did try to explain and it was obvious others got it. Then I just let go. It was clear I triggered something within her and she could not step out of that limiting belief system.
Loving kindness may include pointing something out someone else doesn’t want to hear but it is merely that – a gentle pointing out. The other person needs to then decide what to do with the info. When someone approaches me in email, in person or on the phone from a loving kindness, point of view I can take in what they are communicating much better. I also now appreciate much more thoroughly how being in that loving kindness energy makes a difference to the people around ME.
When you are in alignment with your higher purpose and higher self everything is sacred. I have been blessed with two things in my life that are exactly right (where I live and the Friday gigs at the local coffee shop) and I have been intending and anticipating the rest of my life to flow like that. Today I realized a small job flowed to me very recently because of that perfect alignment - great clients, plenty of money to pay me, loved my work, and asked for more work on a consistent basis.. I was also thrilled to note the way I am now handling a job I have had for 2.5 years is in alignment; in that I handle things quickly, with a lot of love and gratitude. I have been pretty much in love with everything today because of it.
As I was driving home from the very fun but physically tiring new job, I stopped into a sushi restaurant. I have not felt comfortable eating out for a little while because it seemed like my income couldn’t stretch enough to allow it but today I was guided there. I like this particular restaurant because it isn’t very Americanized and they only service sushi with a very little bit of cooked food. I appreciated the sushi chef so much that it helped the good meal transcend to exquisite. I was moved to tears as I watched the precision with which he wielded the knife when he cut the fish. He was careful to recover every piece of fish he touched and washed his hands often. He was loving towards everything he made and creative in making adjustments to meet the customers’ needs. Even the way he shaped the rolls seemed sacred to me. I was transported.
Thank you God and my higher self for such a love and life affirming experience.
Today I am sitting with awe and in praise of myself, and all of you lightworkers who are struggling. We remain as open as we can to all the energy changes, giving ourselves wholeheartedly to the integration and awakening process, and shaking off all the judgment from others and even ourselves, all while doing whatever we can to survive in the physical plane of existence. It isn’t easy to balance the need to have income with the intense awakening symptoms but we do it; day after day.
So today I am appreciating us. I am appreciating everything I have done to get from survive to thrive, and everything I continue to as I learn that thriving is a normal state of being. I am thanking all the people who supported me by donating to me, buying things from me, purchasing healing sessions and helping me out. I also appreciate all those who voiced their opinions (sometimes over and over) of how wrong my choices have been or assumed I didn’t know what I was doing for all of that just made me stronger.
Balance is not an easy thing. I am not sure it is even possible to balance a fast awakening with ease in functioning in the human body, especially for those of us without spousal or independent financial support. BUT I believe it is getting easier and more possible as the energies continue to lighten up and we continue to move further into the vibration of love and acceptance.
I remember when I used to say I want to know in every cell of my being that I am God walking in a human body – not just intellectually understand it. For the most part I am there. I thought it would be different, more huge miracles and highs, but mostly what I feel is a satisfied contentment. Of course there are times when I am very frustrated and fearful but those times are less intense and I let it all flow easier. I have also learned to appreciate things the way they are and see all the miracles right in front of me. As I do more of this, the serendipitous abundant events keep occurring. It is true that it doesn’t always happen the way I think or want it to or even understand but there is always movement.
For example, I have been feeling the need to go to a local coffee shop to write for 3 weeks. I resisted because I interpreted it to mean I should be writing the book I never finished and I just didn’t want to. The feeling got stronger. I even tried to write at home – nothing. So I finally went to the coffee shop. I met someone there for a while and then started writing. To procrastinate I spent time talking to the manager and lo and behold I am now going to be doing readings here once a week. They just opened 3.5 months ago. (The urge started almost when the place opened.) I still don’t know if I will be writing (more than blogs that is) but I feel like I followed my guidance. You can be sure I will continue to do so.