I am finally accepting who I am – a powerful being of light and love; just as everyone is. The trouble is I have felt tremendous guilt at fully accepting anything positive about myself other than my intelligence because it goes against so many inner beliefs, family training and cultural conditioning.
Thank God I have healed most of that. So now I do not have to connect to others from any inner victim or neediness or codependence. I do not have to ‘save’ anyone or play any kind of emotional games to protect myself. I do not have to defend my beliefs or my intuitive knowledge. I do not have to wrap myself in or wallow in worry or anxiety or fear either. I can accept my mercurial emotions as flowing energy and embrace the flow. I am free to be content and happy when others can only see through their egos and misery. I am also more comfortable choosing not to be around those that are more ego driven than balanced with their spiritual/heart selves.
It is very freeing and since freedom is one of my basic desires and requirements, this is fabulous. What a beautiful gift of higher dimensional living.
I am practicing being me. Every day with every inner shift I uncover more and more of who I truly am. I am filling all the emotional and energetic holes with my higher self, the expanded loving and joyful energy of me. It has been an eye opener for sure.
No more illusions. No more pretending to be what I am not. No more obligations, enabling, saying or doing anything just to please someone else or to try to get a tiny bit of my needs met. No more biting my tongue for fear that if I disagree, even the slightest bit, someone won’t like me or pay me what they owe me or they will hurt me. No more merging my energy with others to find out how they are feeling or to anticipate their next several moves so I won’t be hurt or lose a job. No more getting angry at anyone else because I am feeling needy when I haven’t asked for help or they have no idea who I am because I have adjusted my energy to match theirs and/or pretended (not always consciously) to be someone else in order to be liked or to fill the loneliness void. I am now being authentically honest (from my heart) with friends, acquaintances, family members, bosses, and on job applications and in interactions with people while I look for a place to live.
This is a very deep issue for me and stems from a childhood with abusive parents and from other lives, where I learned most of it. In the course of my spiritual wakening I have been intensely healing inner wounds so that I could then put into practice being myself. It has not been gracefully done or consistent. However, I am finally at a point of loving myself enough and knowing that I AM enough so I can be myself with anyone.
The results? I have been rejected a lot lately. It hurts and I am grateful because I am very clear about needing to be me at all times and to only be around people who can honor that. I am basking in my own loving energy, knowing that I am creating a whole new life from it. I feel so light and free!!
As I stood at the window today looking out onto the birds, beautiful foliage and overcast sky, I sent love to myself throughout every moment of my life. It is time to let go of the pain of the past and today loving me seemed to be perfect. I am also allowing an expansion of my heart energy through forgiveness.
I forgive. I forgive myself for years and years of living in emotional pain, not knowing how to let go or heal to get better. I forgive myself for the bitterness and resentment I have had towards aspects of god showing up in human form to help me. Sometimes the ‘help’ was so hurtful it just made the pain worse. I forgive myself for turning to other people over and over for help when I didn’t know how to allow help from within. I forgive myself for choosing at some point and some level of my being to be stuck in such a deep pit of fear and despair that it took a long time to come out of it. I forgive myself for choosing to experience all of that in order to help others once I did come out of it. I forgive myself for the inner sorrow held on behalf of others. I forgive myself for attracting people through this pain and then expecting them to be better than it and pull me up out of it. I forgive myself for not knowing how to extricate myself gracefully from relationships I should never have engaged in (and wouldn’t have if I had listened to my intuitive guidance). I forgive myself for setting my human life up so that I do not fit into any socially accepted category, or any category in a socially acceptable way, in order to ensure great depth and great speed in my spiritual wakening. I forgive myself for all the ill will I have wished on others who had what I did not, who did not understand and got fed up with me or walked away, and those who picked what seems like easier paths in their current human lives. Today I also forgive myself for each and every attack I made upon myself, especially towards my physical body. I forgive myself for each time I didn’t listen to my intuition or for when I thought I was when I allowed my ego to control my emotions and my decisions. I even forgive myself for not being able to be excited about this great change happening in the story of my life.
I love me. It moves me greatly to be able to say/write that and mean it. And I do.
Thank you God for letting me help so many people learn to use their own discernment. I am grateful I could help. I am humbled to have helped.
Now I pray to forgive myself for all of the guilt I still carry because I helped by giving incorrect intuitive information or being afraid of giving them all the information that came to me. I pray to forgive myself for when my own filters and issues got in the way of allowing clarity. I ask for blessings for each person who felt betrayed, tricked, angry and upset at whatever happened in their lives because they trusted me to give them complete and clear information. I know because we are all one that the information and their resulting decisions have all been part of the life paths each of us chose and we were fully guided by our higher selves. I can now accept this.
I choose compassion for me and for them so I may bid the inner guilt a loving and heartfelt Goodbye!! Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
“Your car is gone!!” Those are the first words I heard at 7:45 this morning when my roommate got back from walking her daughter’s dog. She said my car wasn’t in my numbered parking spot. I hurriedly got dressed to go out and check for myself with my strong memory of parking in the correct spot confusing me and making me entertain, just for a minute, the notion that someone stole my car.
I heard words of reassurance in my head and felt the knowing that all was fine, but that didn’t stop the panic from rising up, causing an uncontrollable shaking deep within. The shaking didn’t stop for a long while after I made sure the car was fine, just parked in the wrong spot (only 2 numbered spots away). I even heard that she is usually wrong don’t pay any attention to her fear or her words. It didn’t matter. The fear within me was so strong that nothing else could quell it. So I just let it flow. Eventually I was able to breathe into it, imagining a bright loving light expanding from within it as I relaxed to let the fear dissipate.
I guess the fear needed releasing, huh?? Tonight I allowed a very deep releasing of an energy anchor that was a place holder for all kinds of limitations (short version). Without letting the fear of this change heal first tonight’s shift would have been very difficult. So it had nothing to do with the fear of having no car or financial means to replace it, and everything to do with fear of my next phase of beingness. I am SoooOOO glad I am being more gentle with myself during these shifts.
I have been prioritizing loving myself. Each time I feel angry, angst, worry, or fear I just go in and love the part of me feeling that. I felt guided to stop addressing the other feelings directly, the way I used to process. Since these emotions generally come from not feeling loved, why not just assist that part of me to feel love?
This can look like one of two things: either changing the vibration of the underlying emotion to a higher one that feels more like love to me (flowing, no resistance, expansive, uplifted, etc) or assisting the inner emoting part of me that usually looks like an inner child to accept comfort and love - and actually feel it rather than feel outside of it.
So much has changed. Some inner hole got filled in. I am more accepting and flexible because of it. More importantly, my first response to anything unexpected, attacking, or potentially demeaning and judgmental used to be anger. Not anymore. I have no idea where it went but I am more observant and neutral, compassionate even. I even found myself a few days ago wondering why I wasn’t angry when that would have been my normal response to a particular situation with that specific person. It just wasn’t there.
Other emotions still come up – fear, anxiety and worry- but not anger. Since I would say my whole demeanor used to be defined by my anger and I felt fueled by it, this is a huge change for me. I also know that if this has occurred, the same can happen for the fear, anxiety and worry. Woo Hoo!!
I am slowly learning more and more about who I am in this long drawn out ascension process. As I release all the shoulds and energy of others I discover what is underneath – the real me. Or at least the real me right now. Today I know I do not like even the idea of ever working in an office or any kind of 9 to 5/full time job ever again. I like having a variety of income producing experiences. I like having time in my day to do intense energy work if I want or to wander to the beach if I am called. I enjoy short intense bursts of times with certain clients as I assist them in packing, organizing, bookkeeping, marketing or facilitating spiritual/energetic healing.
This is important for me to fully accept and embrace because I have experienced money lack in the past and continue to look for jobs to mitigate the possibility of that ever happening again, as advised by well-meaning acquaintances. However, I can no longer even make myself apply to any job that is full time even though I am qualified. It is not part of my life path at this time and I am honoring that.
Living as a 5th or 6th dimensional being still needing to find comfort and support in a mostly 3rd dimensional world takes a lot of balancing and allowing. Honoring myself and my energy is my priority in this balancing act. The rest is just details.
I love synchronicities, don’t you? It is my way of knowing I am aligned with my higher purpose. I have been thanking God for abundance for weeks now, saying the Abundance Decree I got off of Facebook (I think from Irma Kaye Sawyer), which I have repeated below. While I haven’t had gobs of money come my way, I am certainly beginning to see the effects of my intentions.
Someone I spontaneously offered help with some healing took me out to dinner (my favorite too –sushi). She is not working so I was thrilled with the dinner. Then a few days later she unexpectedly paid me my full fee. I gratefully accepted.
Then I unexpectedly needed to do some work on my car. I panicked about how to pay for it then just walked into the fear, letting it flow surrendering it and all the anxiety to my higher self. I have to admit later in the day I wondered why I wasn’t more upset about it (yes I am weird that way). I thought it might be because I called someone to borrow money if I needed to.
This morning my guides took me on a little detour and I got lost while looking for the auto repair shop where I had made an appointment to get my car fixed. I ended up at a different place asking for directions. The owner said they were cheaper and talked me into using his place. I liked his attitude so much I agreed. He was right. It cost me the exact amount of the full fee I received the day before (minus a small amount for some groceries), a full $150 cheaper than the place I was headed to for repairs.
If that isn’t abundance in action, I don’t know what is.
I decree that I am a sovereign being of Spirit and of Earth and that divine prosperity is my birthright. I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given to experience all states of prosperity, including the lack of it to give me a complete and total education in this area. I DECREE that I NOW live in a state of grace and flow as a Divine Being and Child of the Universe. All that I require to live a comfortable existence flows to me with ease and grace. My life is prosperous and I also extend my abundance to others that may require assistance through grace and blessing. I decree now that Spirit will correct any misperceptions that I may carry regarding abundance so that I may find full faith and comfort in these facts. I understand also that abundance may come in many forms including money, energy, opportunities, and contacts with others. And so it is!!
So what is your overriding purpose in this life? You will know it by how you feel when you are in it and by how easily circumstances, events and people support you doing it.
My purpose here on earth is spiritual growth. It overrides and overshadows every decision, action, reaction and circumstance. I know there are those who have said we are all here to grow but that seems to be my human purpose, my higher purpose, and my underlying governing purpose - to the exclusion of everything else.
That means if I get too comfortable in a home or a relationship or a job, something happens to shake things up. It is not an easy way to live, however, when I can remember that this is my purpose I handle everything else so much easier.
I have been resisting and resenting my recent move from my own apartment to renting a room and a bath in someone’s home. I now know that my higher self has been communicating with me to move since late last fall as I was not growing by staying in the same apartment, doing the same things over and over. At first I thought I was moving to another state but soon found out that wasn’t true. I resisted moving inland, away from the ocean, to a smaller place or living with someone else and got angrier and angrier about it until my financial and health circumstances forced this kind of arrangement.
Remember, if you don’t pay attention to the gentle nudging it becomes much harsher until you take action. So one day (yes, on the same day) I fell and broke my arm and my rental agreement was terminated so my landlord could renovate (and raise the rent substantially). I couldn’t work much, couldn’t pay the bills, and had to move. I am sorry it took so much emotional and physical pain to get me to take a different action and to push me into allowing help but it worked.
That is how you know you are in alignment with your higher purpose and higher self - things just flow. Some wonderful people helped me out financially and with food. The right place showed up within a week, the right people packed me up, put my stuff in storage, moved me and unpacked me. It was the easiest move I have ever made.
Of course, some part of me still wasn’t happy about it. Huge parts of me have been in denial and doing their best to absent themselves from my presence. That means I have been feeling bad emotionally and physically for a few weeks. Yesterday I surrendered and brought me all back together again. I feel so much better. Once I re-oriented to my purpose – constant, deep expansion and ascension – the inner peace returned.
To the person who is trying to get off this blog list – you are unsubscribing ME at my yahoo email address not you. That is why you keep getting the blogs. You can either send me your email and I will unsubscribe you or go to my website and do it yourself.
Out of all the intensity this week one beautiful thing has emerged for me – a greater acceptance and appreciation of, and security in, ME. That means the energy within me has changed that attracts people who feel the need to correct me, use me, project their anger on to me, demand obedience from me, or need me to build up their egos or enable them. Of course it also means I no longer need to do or allow any of this for any reason, including fear of losing a job, a friend or support.
I am now able to objectively look at how much of my interactions with others have been governed by that inner fear of being alone, not being loved, not having income, doing something wrong and then getting hurt (but not knowing it would be wrong before I did it), etc. You could say this was all learned in an abusive childhood or I brought it all in with me through parents who just reinforced it. Either way, it seems that another layer of it is gone.
With that a few more friends seem to have faded away – or at least it feels that way right now. I am also able to react a little more calmly to people who feel the need to correct me or control me. I am actually amused (and appalled) at how many of those people are in my life. But then, if that is my energy doesn’t it makes sense?
So I am spending a lot of time alone these days, integrating and expanding, providing energetic and emotional space for new acquaintances and friends who are also embracing their true joyful selves.