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Out of all the intensity this week one beautiful thing has emerged for me – a greater acceptance and appreciation of, and security in, ME. That means the energy within me has changed that attracts people who feel the need to correct me, use me, project their anger on to me, demand obedience from me, or need me to build up their egos or enable them. Of course it also means I no longer need to do or allow any of this for any reason, including fear of losing a job, a friend or support.
I am now able to objectively look at how much of my interactions with others have been governed by that inner fear of being alone, not being loved, not having income, doing something wrong and then getting hurt (but not knowing it would be wrong before I did it), etc. You could say this was all learned in an abusive childhood or I brought it all in with me through parents who just reinforced it. Either way, it seems that another layer of it is gone.
With that a few more friends seem to have faded away – or at least it feels that way right now. I am also able to react a little more calmly to people who feel the need to correct me or control me. I am actually amused (and appalled) at how many of those people are in my life. But then, if that is my energy doesn’t it makes sense?
So I am spending a lot of time alone these days, integrating and expanding, providing energetic and emotional space for new acquaintances and friends who are also embracing their true joyful selves.
This awakening process we are all experiencing is something isn’t it? All kinds of interesting things are happening to us while we shift, such as random body pains, changing tastes in food and all sorts of entertainment, perhaps even fatigue and energy surges. You may also find that certain acquaintances or friends just kind of fade away or you no longer are drawn to them. Well, another side effect is that you may need to change your support system – your doctor, massage therapist, dental hygienist, chiropractor, bank, or grocery store.
I recently had to stop seeing a chiropractor who has been kind enough to trade my marketing and business skills for his chiropractic skills. I like him a lot and I have been thrilled with the trade. He really helped me the first 6 months or so I saw him. I really have been sort of resisting changing emotionally but my body stopped allowing any restorative care about 9 months ago. My body responded if something went out in my back or neck and needed immediate re-aligning but no long term restorative measures were being allowed (certain parts of my spine just stopped responding). I didn’t want to stop seeing him because it is such a comfort to have someone I can trade with to help my body and I am afraid I won’t find it again. I do not yet earn enough money to pay for that kind of support on a continuous basis. I kept trying to find out why from my intuition, putting off the inevitable, until I finally (and VERY clearly) heard that our vibrations no longer match and I need to stop going.
It is just that simple. It has nothing to do with the distance from my home to his office, his chiropractic skills, any part of me not wanting to get better, or anything else I was trying to make the problem. I have changed so much our vibrations no longer match and as I am being guided to do only that which matches my vibration or supports it. I have to stop seeing this particular chiropractor.
I am learning to accept this simple concept and to be at peace with not being able to explain it to most people.
You know what? It is time to celebrate you. Let’s show how much you love and accept all of yourself by having a huge party. WOO HOO!!
Let’s introduce all the parts of you that have been pretending to be separate and alone, ok? We're going to invite the money making part to join with the soul expanding and growing part. I invited the part of you that already knows you are in perfect health and the part of you that has done such a good job of activating the challenges that have helped you grow. Who else? Oh yes, how about inviting all the magnificent parts you have been hiding from even yourself? Let's also inviting your lovely heart energy to join us, after all this party is taking place in your heart. I am inviting the shy parts, the cautious parts, the parts pretending to be hopeless, the part that knows you are loved and that you are open to loving. We can invite the nurturing parts and the needy parts, the insecure parts and the protector parts, and the disbelieving part and the all-knowing part (well that part is always there, it will just be more obvious now). Please, make sure the invitations go to every single emotional part created from every trauma and triumph you have ever experienced.
OOOH, this is so much fun. Let all of these parts meet each other. Surprise!! They already know each other, they just forgot that. I love seeing and feeling all those parts mix it up. Feel the energy rise now as they all relax and begin to enjoy themselves. Can you tell what is happening? They are remembering how alive and energizing it is to be connected to each other. If you are really paying attention you will notice how relaxed and allowing every part is becoming. Wait – are they disappearing? NOOOO they are just laughingly and lovingly integrating. YAHOO!! You are SO strong now, so allowing and so open. Great Party.
We get so worked up over playing the game. A game we CHOOSE to play. For instance:
What game? Well I was referring to the online card game called Free Cell but doesn’t that pretty much describe the game of Life? And isn’t it so fun that the universe gives us so many ways of telling us to lighten up and have fun playing?
WOW! Who would have thought it would take so long to get over missing the excitement of new things.
With detachment comes mourning. I loved the high of buying new clothing and other items, of discovering and enjoying new restaurants and connecting with new people. I am no longer getting that high because I am much more detached from things in the everyday physical world. I chose to fulfill my satisfaction needs from inner growth and expansion, never realizing how long the mourning phase might be.
Some part of me keeps driving me to look for that satisfaction outside of me even though it no longer happens. A similar thing happened with my attachment to drama. I let go of the drama a long time ago but part of me has missed it so much that every once in a while I try to recreate it. It is VERY short lived though just like the satisfaction from outside things is no longer occurring.
I am not dissatisfied with ‘stuff’ it just isn’t needed for my internal contentment and doesn’t bring even short lived happiness; kind of a weird feeling but also exhilarating. This is what I wanted and I got it. That happens rather rarely to me and I want to bask in appreciation of it. (Picture me wallowing and splashing around in it!! LOL!!)
It also means that listening to my guidance is SOooooOOo much easier. My emotions and ego are not drowning it out. What a difference that makes, although I felt lost for a while since most of my decisions were based on my emotional reaction rather than what is in the highest and best good for me. I am gradually adjusting to life guided both deeply and superficially by my intuitive wisdom.
Your higher self will use ANYTHING to help you awaken to your infinite potential – body pain, relationship drama, loss of income (or potential loss), etc. Yes, it can be through joy and awareness too but if you are resisting or in fear, it shows up a different way. The easiest way to handle it is to be aware of the pattern and relax into it as quickly as possible. Look at your life, where is your main focus of worry or what recurring patterns of fear are there?
If I am resisting change or not in alignment with my highest good my income usually drops dramatically and immediately. If there is something I don’t want to look at or am afraid of I eat a lot or I eat food that is unhealthy for me. I have a friend who gets certain specific kinds of body pains as soon as she is in resistance to whatever is the next perfect direction for her to take. Another friend gets hit in her main relationship. We don’t even talk about what is going on the surface of our lives when these kinds of things happen; we delve into where the resistance or fear is.
This week after someone cancelled, at almost the last minute, a job that I thought I desperately needed in order to have enough money to pay May’s rent, I spent a lot of time doing inner healing. This was after someone else had already cancelled a different appointment (although not at the last minute) so I was very shaken by it all. After a few hours of tantruming (yes, I still do that even though I know better), I decided something must need to change because this was so obviously a sign of something being awry.
I loved up the desperation because I have been guided for a few years towards believing and trusting that I will be taken care of financially (I am not there yet), I surrendered the reigns of control through needing it to look a certain way this week, and I dropped all cords attached to anyone I wanted to meet my needs. I also (AGAIN!!) worked on my deep inner beliefs that I have to be poor to be very spiritual and that I cannot have the deep intense inner shifts while also working so hard in the physical world. I had to allow some help from my spiritual team to heal my first reaction that I did something wrong the week before when all the drama around this week’s income began. I imagined relaxing and allowing the flow of my infinite, higher vibrational self to be easier and I, once again, aligned with the energy of comfort and ease in my physical life. It was a lot of inner allowing and some work.
The next day someone called for me to work a very long, but lucrative, day. While I was doing that someone else called for a healing session. Today someone else called to schedule a healing session.
I am glad I allowed it to resolve so quickly and I am thrilled at the deeper level of trust within me.
I was recently upset at myself when I recognized that I still felt contemptuous about and repulsed by my body. More than that I was beyond being at my wits end as to why this is still true even after years of working on this. I know part of these feelings exist because I just have a hard time being encased in a physical body when I want to be out flying around the universe, but this time something more seemed to be coming up. As I sat with these feelings I realized I was holding on to a lot of frozen hurt, shame and memories of where I allowed or created abuse for one reason or another. They seemed to be held in my body.
I am aware that everyone plays a role in our lives, a role that we created, asked for or agreed to in order to experience or heal something, so I began by forgiving all who I believed abused me or hurt me. I forgave and blessed all who left me and those I felt I had to let go of. I felt a little bit of movement and a smaller bit of relaxation.
Then I realized that the real issue wasn’t what anyone else did to me or what I did to them, it was what I allowed and what I did to myself.
I then began forgiving myself. I specifically asked for healing for all the places within my energy and my body where I still held on to abuse/abusive or victim/perpetrator energy, and then expanded it throughout all of who I am on all levels.
Boy was I on the right track. I felt the energy moving through me. I cried, I laughed and cried some more. I shook and shuddered uncontrollably. I felt cold where this stuck energy was released and a little seasick from so much movement.
I felt my expansive, truel self a little more afterwards. And the feelings of self-repulsion were gone.
So how is your awakening process going? Are you enjoying yourself through it? Sometimes I am, sometimes not. I am sooOOooo grateful I get back to my normal wacky sense of humor pretty quickly though. I have cleared enough, healed enough and moved into loving myself enough that I don’t tolerate putting aside that sense of humor, or being out of alignment with my higher self, for too long.
I am now aware that all those years of struggling to work on ‘stuff’ and wallowing in fear/anxiety or anger were definitely the hard way to go about spiritual growth. It was the only way I could go or I would have done it differently, but it was quite harsh. NOW? I want to laugh and I want it to be easy.
If I take a job because I am scared I won’t have enough money, and I start crying after I say yes, I know it is the wrong thing for me (yes that happened to me once and it turned out disastrous). If I try to develop a friendship because I am lonely and I have to do all the calling or reaching out, I let go. If I start getting upset because I can’t pay for certain things I want, or think I need, I know it is time to let the want go or open to the possibility of another way to get my needs met. I am still incredibly energetic, industrious, willing to go the extra mile and take action when needed, I just don’t tolerate struggle – internal or external.
And when I forget I have a wonderfully gentle friend who reminds me to relax and allow. This is a lovely benefit of spiritual growth.
WHOOEEY!! It has been an intense few weeks. So many people took advantage of the latest surge in high vibration earth energy to experience another expansion in their own consciousness and an increased embodiment of their infinite selves. The good news is that if you think you have gone backwards you probably have not and, in fact, made a surge forward with the energy. It is just old stuff uncovering for healing that maybe didn’t feel so great.
I know I know, how many times have you read or heard THAT in the past few years. However, there really was some kind of surge recently. I know I had intense joint pain for a few weeks until I slid into the higher vibration and increased connection to my higher/infinite self. I know many of my clients did too - some were sick, some felt emotionally scoured and some saw the return of old behavior patterns. I saw my typical pattern after I do an obviously intense inner shift in that I also experienced an immediate sharp drop in income and social interaction. Yes, it is scary to have a drop in income at the same time I have to do some auto repairs and pay taxes for last year and estimated tax for next year.
Back to the good news. When you relax (or get help) and allow the remaining re-alignment as a result of this last shift, you should find some noticeable changes in yourself, your interactions and in your way of being. I am noticing change, once again, in my means of income and my tolerance for certain behaviors in others and in what entertains me (in books or dvds). My eating and sleeping patterns did an abrupt shift too. It takes getting used to as these changes are not usually gradual for me. They may be for you.
So be kind and nurture yourself in ways that are gentle. Do whatever it takes to embrace these changes and love yourself through them.
My passion is expanding my awareness of who I truly am. That is my main purpose here on earth. I suppose one might say that is true of all of us but I know I chose to focus on that directly and above all else without channeling it into something translatable and usable in my every -day life. On some level I decided to dramatically shift from someone quite depressed, angry, hurt and fearful to someone who lives her life mindfully, peacefully and fully aligned with the inner God-self, but I forgot the practicalities of being human.
It doesn’t matter if I earn my income by being an executive, a retail clerk, a housecleaner or a spiritual healing facilitator. My ‘real’ job is to maintain that mindfulness and inner alignment to my higher self no matter what I do, and share it with others in some way. Maintaining this focus has helped many people and the earth in all the shifts that have and will occur. I also know many have been inspired and also triggered by my process. On my lucid days, that is enough, on other days I have a lot of frustration about it all.
I know someone whose expanding awareness and higher purpose shows up as having and raising babies who stay open to the higher vibrational energies; another is a fabulous artist, another is a teacher, and yet another a nurse. All are completely aligned with their true and authentic expressions of themselves. I have to admit, there are days when I envy them because sometimes I forget myself and wonder what the heck I am supposed to be doing so that I can earn money at a job in which I am happy and fulfilled. Then I whine and complain like everyone else (smile) and remember that I am learning to be happy and fulfilled no matter what happens in my life.
More and more days are spent with that inner connectedness, open to the inner happiness and fulfillment no matter what (thank God). I am learning to value that rather than anything that goes on in my outer life and to return to the center of that when I let myself get pulled in the direction of others’ strong opinions about what I should be doing.
How about you? Is there something that is your ‘true’ purpose that perhaps you are not valuing or even acknowledging, either because others don’t value it or it doesn’t match your learned definition of success or happiness or it doesn’t earn money?