I don’t know why it started or where it came from (i.e. mine or someone else’s) but today fear began pushing at my gut in a way I could not ignore. I tried breathing deeply, following my breath, and doing breathing exercises to soothe the vagus nerve. I tried focused healing energy on the area where I felt the fear was lodged. I took a long nap in the hopes that it would subside.
Then I was led intuitively and energetically to move into my gut and address the fear directly with love and compassion. I imagined hugging it, accepting it, talking to it. It dissolved. What a relief.
In these days of rollercoaster emotions and intense inner healing, it is a good thing to remember. Love heals.
I have recently been guided to assist in others' healing differently. I used to imagine them perfectly healthy in the way my mind understood perfect health, no pain, no illness, strong, vibrant and flexible, but really it is none of my business. It is between them and their higher selves/inner beings as to what is healthy for them.
Instead I have been guided to go inward to connect more thoroughly with my own vibrant eternal energy (or as much as I can sense) and through that connect with the part of the eternal energy /god that is them; kind of like a booster. However that sorts out in their body is up to their contract, beliefs, limitations, desires, etc.
It helps me ground and expand and calm. It helps me reconnect with my own self-love. It keeps me very neutral as to what happens with their energy (and mine). And I can assist in a very small way in revitalizing their energy and connection with it. It is a win win.
So you have your ‘story’ – this happened and that happened – that you thought defined you. Used to be when you told it you were angry, hurt, outraged, depressed. You told it again and again; sometimes for sympathy, sometimes to ease the hurt. It seemed to be embedded in who you were. Then you cried, you screamed, you analyzed, and you did therapy, maybe even some inner child work. You tried every meditation and energy healing you could afford. One day when you were either with a new therapist or getting to know someone new as you told your story it sounded like someone else’s. You didn’t react to it at all. You might have even stopped talking right in the middle of a sentence because even though it technically is a true story, it no longer seems like YOUR story.
The clues of this change were there all along. You might have lost interest in some of your friends or activities that you used to love. Your eating habits might have changed. Your desires, goals and reactions have also changed, probably surprising you as there was no warning before you just were different. .But then you really noticed it when repeating the ‘story’, perhaps for the last time.
We are energetically restructuring which is causing not only physical changes but huge emotional and spiritual ones too. As you grow you outgrow your ‘story’.
Now, what’s next?
Mindfulness, exploration, maybe even quiet satisfaction are what’s next. What is fundamentally important to you is changing – or being revealed. It is now safe to discover your true nature. You may be surprised. Take your time, let it bubble up from within. You will notice the signs. Your reactions may continue to change. For sure your intuition will get stronger. No matter what it will be a lovely and grand adventure beyond what your thoughts could create.
Sometimes moving to new levels of being take a lot longer and create a lot more turmoil than we want. I started a shifting process last November that culminated 2 days ago (thank G’D). During it I had a lot of health issues pop up, including needing surgery. The last piece of the inner shift happened after doing a very hard physical job 7 days in a row, ending the week with a LOT of anxiety and restlessness. As more time passed last month and week, I also became angrier and angrier with my life (or at least that is how my mind interpreted it). On Friday, I took some St John’s Wort and Rescue Remedy, tried calling two people who can usually help me (but were unavailable), and finally, f i n a l l y, settled down to love up the part of me that was so agitated.
Instead of finding an inner child or ego part that needed love I found a higher aspect of me that was waiting for me. It showed as a male. I knew immediately that it was a wiser, higher vibrational aspect of me, although for some reason it amused me that my mind interpreted it as male. I thought all I needed to do was merge with it. I tried but it remained unintegrated so I stepped back. I then calmed down enough to listen.
I discovered most of my agitation and not feeling loved or supported in the past few weeks was due to my disconnection from the deeper/higher aspects of me. Some part of me was ready to connect/integrate but other parts have not been. I understood this during previous shifts but forgot in the midst of my latest phase of agitation. There was some other knowledge imparted to me and then this higher being of mine/and the ‘me’ I was identifying with were ready to integrate. First I saw myself walk into its light and then I began to feel. It was a warm slide of yummy energy into my awareness; a spread of inner satisfaction. I wallowed in the bliss for a little while, then became aware of how quiet it had become. When I have all that agitation from not hearing or listening to my higher guidance, or because I am getting ready to shift or because something is going on in the human mass consciousness that is affecting me it is very psychically noisy. After this integration it became quiet. Two days later it is still quiet.
Two days later I am still not irritated or triggered by having to work a job I do not love to earn barely enough money to have a roof over my head and a car to drive. I am not as angry, anxious or panicky like I was in March. There is much inner satisfaction. I am now in a rest period and am able to put more energy into being more physical (to exercise again and to get back to a craft project that I love). I love these kinds of experiences.
I am being intuitively guided in a direction for a way to earn money and a way to approach my health. I am listening. I don’t like either way, but I am listening and accepting. I am listening to the direction AND the pace. I am not struggling or pushing right now. I am accepting. I cannot even begin to tell you how different that is for me.
15 years ago when I also felt lost and my health was bad (really bad – like cancer bad) I actually was guided towards the EXACT SAME direction. I didn’t listen for different reasons. I deliberately chose to go in a different direction and it has taken 15 years of very hard work to get back to the place of really knowing what is in perfect alignment for me. I do not know if it is the wisdom of aging or just tired of fighting but I am also very willing to be carried along rather than barge ahead.
Now I am loving myself up from the shame and incredible upset that I derailed myself for 15 years. I am healing from the shame of not listening before when so many hints and signs were given to me. I am loving the me that was so ego filled I couldn’t accept even as I struggled to get a spiritual healing business going (OY!!).
I thank God and myself for all the inner healing that I have demanded, allowed and received. I am listening and allowing - and very relieved and hopeful.
I have been going through some intense energetic/spiritual ‘upgrades’ since January with the intensity hitting a fevered pitch in May (as it has for most everyone else). Then last week I became everything for a short period of time.
I once read another accounting of the same thing but until I actually experienced it, I had no idea how it could possibly feel. My conscious awareness expanded so much that I could not feel any physical (and much of the energetic) boundaries whatsoever. I couldn’t feel my body, the phone or the bed. The person on the other end of the phone became another aspect of me. The best part was how freeing it felt. I wasn’t worried about anything on this earth. It was quiet, peaceful and comfortable.
From that level anything was/is possible. I found my friend’s energy signature and just loved her. When I work with someone psychically I ‘see’ what is going on in my mind’s eye even as I know what to assist with next. There was no need for this session. I became every aspect of the energy that was shifting and the part that was not. When I say I found her, I didn’t see her psychically, I touched (as in became aware of and felt) her soul signature and the aspect which individuated into the body. I experienced it as an intensification of my energy/awareness; a tiny flare of joy. She experienced it as a fast/intense and painful upgrade in the energy in her body. You know, one of those spiritual growth things that seems a little fast for the body and the body resists with pain and uncomfortableness.
To me it felt like this lasted 5 minutes but in the human world 2 hours passed. I was able to talk the whole time although trying to describe what was happening was very difficult as my mind wasn’t always on board with what was going on (probably why I was able to stay in that energetic space for so long). We had long periods of silence where what needed to happen just did. I wasn’t trying to trust, I became the vibration of trust.
The next few days were odd as in it felt very different to be focused on the physical world and everyday life. It took me a few days to come all the way back to my body and when I did some old limiting emotions/agreements/energy also flowed up and out to heal. This was so deep that I then became very uncomfortable while it was happening. But it is energy I have wanted to heal/release for years, so YAY!!
Now my intuitive guidance for the past two days has been to rest. Just be. Allow a settling in from all the changes. I am not good with resting but I am allowing it this time.
So you may not get the ‘things’ or relationships you want with others but the relationship with the true you will blossom, grow and become more magical with each passing moment.
That is the result of YEARS of ascension work; of growing into my own consciousness. I now can feel god (the all that is, my expanded consciousness – whatever you want to call it) in my human body most of the time. I wanted this so badly when I was new to spiritual growth. If you go back to some old newsletters and blogs you will find I wrote about it years ago. For this I am grateful.
I just thought it would bring me more in my everyday life - more mundane things like enough money to live on, better health (thinner body), a mate and deeper relationships with friends. I have less and less and in some ways my everyday life has become much harder.
But in others, oh the other ways. I see the magic in the leaves on the tree; heck the tree talks to me. I feel the oneness in the conservative republican roommate I have (even as I cannot understand her point of view). I feel the constant ‘more’ that is with me even when as I also feel fear about my lack of income or worsening health. I remember that I will be taken care of when that fear arises and can reconnect with the eternal calmness of myself quicker.
Was it worth all the growing pains? I don’t think so and I am still loving up the part of me a teensy bit (or a lot on some days) irritated at how hard it has been for me. However, I still love how it feels right now and appreciate the preciousness of it all
My purpose in this life has been to grow into myself and in doing so, help others find their spiritual way (sometimes through direct honest posts, sometimes through facilitating their own healing/growth one on one). No matter what else I try to do, intend, or focus on I am brought back to that over and over and over. Grow into myself means open spiritually to all of who I am in this human body; embodying more and more of my higher self/ soul as I go.
Every action, incident, relationship and morsel of conscious intuitive guidance supports this purpose. Luckily, as I have aged I have mellowed in the pace of the growth, which means it has gentled also. Shew!! For many years it was so intense I wasn’t sure I was going to stay in a human body.
When I forget this, I am buffeted by my own insecurities and depression, and oh my god the loneliness!! But when I remember, I am calm, open-hearted, accepting and live with an expanded awareness of the sacred connection to everything/one.
So as this New Year opens, I am grateful to re-remember and reconnect with my purpose as I am facing big changes.
I just had a beautiful inner shift that was so viscerally real I want to share it with you all. I was working with a friend (D) for some mutual energy support and some support for the human mass consciousness and D mentioned that she saw a new presence standing with me – a goddess. The goddess had her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed her. D said the goddess would have a message for me.
As I was driving later I remembered this and asked the goddess what the message is for me from her. It had something to do with my shifts being from within rather than external, like I see with so many other people. Also, once again, it was time to stop limiting myself and expand my energy. She then asked me if I was ready to do so. I said YES!!
Then she asked me to repeat the words “I am ready to embrace my goddess energy” out loud. As I did so I could feel the connection with my feminine powerhouse energy. It wasn’t dramatic; it was a vast, dense feeling (although of a very high vibration) with yummy colors and feel to it. I know I have asked/demand/ allowed myself to connect with my goddess energy before but since I am so much more open and have evolved so much more this was a much ‘deeper’ and more profound experience. It was exciting, fun and so right. I love that feeling.
BUT then as a little more time went by (a very little, hours) I kept feeling that something was off. I then read some posts from a facebook friend who is healing her inner divine self through her interactions with men who provide examples of healed divine masculine energy. It came to me that my opening/healing wasn’t complete. So I was then guided to open to my inner divine masculine. A VERY different feeling but equally as vast and yummy. Also, it felt much more active. As I integrated this energy with the goddess (divine feminine) I had already connected with, I felt more whole, more satisfied and settled in my energy and body.
What a great experience. Oh, I had my usual reaction of falling back into my sugar/food addiction for a day while this was going on and didn’t sleep very much, but as the integration slowed down I was able to rest. Today I am in the being phase where I just need to allow whatever else is going to change as a result of this inner change. The inner worry and voice that thinks it needs me to ‘do’ something is quiet (thank God). And my body is tired from the overeating, not sleeping AND the integration. The 'goddess' that showed up was an aspect of me guiding me to my next step in my awakeninig evolution. I am grateful.
I found myself crying today; tears of joy and sadness. I am moving into a phase where I am recognizing and KNOWING my worthiness and it is life changing. Actually, all the inner changing came first through the immense and intense spiritual growth and ascension I have been experiencing consciously for 26 years.
I have spent so much time swinging from being codependent and people pleasing to deeply angry and possibly even manipulative to get some attention or some support from others. It was my way of disconnecting and shielding myself from vulnerability. It was what I came into this life with and had strengthened by the abusive interactions with family and then others. It also helped with the lack of energy boundaries and strong empathy.
As I have learned to be sovereign with my energy and released/healed old karmic issues (from biological and soul family, and ‘other’ lives), I have been able to see/sense the expansive, uplifted, loving parts of me easier. I can feel my connection to divinity better.
Now I am more peaceful inside. There is a lot less drama/trauma/intensity in my everyday life. For the first time I can understand the concept of appreciating the small everyday things because I am calm enough (the inner chaotic psychic noise is quiet enough) to actually notice. It is easier to be more grounded in my everyday life while being aware of my divinity. The tears were for the sheer joy of this, the feeling of my heart opening even more, and the healing sadness for when this was not true for me in my life.
I am sitting with the discomfort of how different this feels and the worry that the peace won’t last, even as I embrace the satisfaction of connectedness to the divine all.