I was pondering for a few days about why I was having such a hard time accepting more positive things/events/people in my life. Every time I got to a place of inner calm, I would create some kind of inner drama and churn up my insides/emotions. I just couldn’t let go of anxiety, in a consistent way, or let my guard down. Clearly, I was able to grow enough to allow some of the more positive things to come to me – better business clients, improvement in health (that I haven’t seen in years), some steadier income, and over the last year or so, a new car that is very reliable, and a place to live on my own for a price I can afford. But even with a new part time job that will enable me to move to a better place, I still couldn’t relax.
It began to boil up (as these things do when I focus on them) and I psychically saw an inner child about 10 or 12 very committed to things not working out, as if it were her persona. This inner child didn’t feel like she had a place within me if she wasn’t complaining or on edge watching out for the next bad thing to happen. In my vision I began enveloping her in love. Then I asked that any of this energy and emotion that belonged to my ancestors (including mom and dad) be released. I asked for healing for the ancestors as I watched a lot of energy lift off of her like clouds clearing. Then she showed up as a tiny girl about 2 or 3 and was able to allow herself to be loved and integrated. I felt waves of emotion and energy flow through my body as she integrated.
I have been able to relax a bit since this happened and accept that my life is getting better, step by step. I was also able to be more grateful for the spiritual support that I know is there for me (and for all of us).
It’s so quiet and calm. Such a new feeling and experience for me. Let me tell you why.
I have been known as a rather high strung person (told to me by people who really meant something was wrong with me). My own mother used to call me intense. No matter what I did I just couldn’t relax or feel safe. I have always pushed myself hard to overachieve at what I thought was important and to still work hard when I didn’t really need to achieve anything. I worried, had immense anxiety even when it looked like nothing was wrong, and have had to manage several chronic physical conditions either caused or exacerbated by this intense constant fight or flight reaction/chemistry/emotion. This has taken quite a toll on my relationships, my health and my emotional well-being. I have gone to many therapists, prayed, begged and done an enormous amount of inner healing/growth for many years all to try to heal this.
I woke up last Thursday and it was gone. I had some incredible dreams during the week before where I was releasing the last of the issues/limiting beliefs creating that anxiety and stress, as well as several visions while in the midst of inner energy work and self-healing. I already wrote about one of them in a previous blog. There was also the normal (for me) inner part of me really protesting and resisting change even as I was creating the change.
The thing is I had no idea how loud psychically the inner anxiety/stress/worry was for me. I had no idea how strained my body has been in dealing with it. I also had no idea how much time was taken up with worrying, planning, feverishly thinking ahead to try to mitigate my anxiey and how stressed I felt rushing to make sure everything I was pushing myself to do got done. Not to mention (but I will) how much money I have spent on therapists, herbs, tinctures, teas, acupuncture, body work, and energy work to try to relax.
And it is gone. I am amazingly grateful. I waited almost a week to write about it because I didn’t trust that it was truly healed. I have been existing in the present moment so much more now that I am not as anxious, guarded or in the fight or flight mode. Even the few times I felt my brain begin to whirl around with worry I have been able to stop it almost immediately. I can feel how much more open I am now and I have already seen much better flow in many areas of my life because of it (something for another blog).
I feel like a different person- one who is so much more open to possibilities and who is so much more aware of my sacred connection to my true eternal self than ever before. This has taken a long time and was wonderfully supported by the quarantine we have been under this year in that I had more time to spend in mediation and inner directed energy shifting.
So I guess in sharing all of this I want to remind you to not give up on your own inner self-growth and expansion. I have been there where I thought I was doing everything I could only to find out I was doing everything I could do AT THAT TIME and as I grew or my perceptions changed, what I could allow or do changed. And have I said how grateful I am that I stuck with it? I have more hope for a more loving and comfortable life now.
It has been a frantic week of me trying to connect with the part of me that just cannot accept myself. My emotions and blood sugar have been all over the place as I alternate between frustration, determination, denial and begging.
Someone else reached out to me for help with her situation and in the midst of helping her I was able to find the part of me so weakened and depressed that no matter how much healing I have done it would never have been enough without healing this part of me too. In my vision it looked like an adult version of me slumped in a chair with all kinds of tubes (that looked like branches) jammed into me sucking away my life force. I had to release all those on the other end of those branches/tubes (ancestors, teachers, various people who wanted help, family, soul family etc) and begin to help this part of me heal before the tubes would disappear. I also had to really love up the part of me that was healing because it hurt to let go of those tubes. In my vision it was a physical hurt, in the part of me more aware it was emotional.
This part of me is so depleted all I can do is love her and allow all kinds of nourishment to be offered. In the meantime the area she (this part of me) was held is dissolving as I allow this deep shift. First the tubes all disappeared, then the chair, and now the area of the vision that was created to hold all of this is dissolving. It is different than other deep shifts in that I do not feel elated about it. I am cautious and as soft and loving as I can be. This is something very deeply embedded and created in other lives and through the soul family.
I did such a good job trying to deny this part of me and to put so many layers between her and my conscious awareness that it took this long to find her. She is depleted and sad at the neglect, the fact that no matter how much was taken from her it wasn’t enough to help others the way she thought it would and that she was trapped in this by someone she believed in and loved (a teacher of mine but mostly ME).
In m y visions she still looks very very sick and depleted but she is not losing any of her energy right now. I know she will be offered as much of my healing and regenerating energy as she can handle until she can re-integrate. I am grateful to be shown this and be guided on how to allow healing.
When I was 17 I knew I wanted to be an artist and a healer. I thought that meant I needed to pursue an education in the medical field (for me that meant being a doctor); then I thought I could combine my loves and be a medical illustrator. But the ‘rules’ of the educational system weren’t for me and ultimately it was the wrong path with which to pursue my passion anyway. I am now 60 and have taken many turns along the way and still my passions are healing and art. No change, except it took me a long time to get back to remembering and accepting this.
I am more relaxed about it now. I am willing to do work that doesn’t stir my heart to support what does. I am not, however, willing to work with people or to perform work that is not aligned with MY integrity. I am much more careful of where I spend my time and energy – definitely more focused on my passions/purpose than earning money. I also no longer search, try or strive for the ‘right’ thing to do to earn money with what I love. I struggled for so long about that but I accept it will come if it is the right thing for me.
So now I focus on where my inner guidance leads me. I continue to embrace more and more of my higher self/inner being/G’d in order to clear out old patterns that prevent me from making great decisions – financially, energetically, for my health etc. I meditate a lot, sit with myself and my own inner true self (G’d –self) a lot. I am back to creating art pieces that I pray over and give away while some bigger projects are percolating just under the surface, almost ready to be born. And I support others in their spiritual growth and healing when and where I can, even while I am also a called to do a lot of energy facilitation for various factions of the mass consciousness, earth and the multiverse.
So are you holding on to an idea or a limiting belief that your life has to look or proceed a certain way? Let go and let yourself be comforted by satisfaction and contentment. Who knows, something wonderful may come that you never thought of.
I don’t know why it started or where it came from (i.e. mine or someone else’s) but today fear began pushing at my gut in a way I could not ignore. I tried breathing deeply, following my breath, and doing breathing exercises to soothe the vagus nerve. I tried focused healing energy on the area where I felt the fear was lodged. I took a long nap in the hopes that it would subside.
Then I was led intuitively and energetically to move into my gut and address the fear directly with love and compassion. I imagined hugging it, accepting it, talking to it. It dissolved. What a relief.
In these days of rollercoaster emotions and intense inner healing, it is a good thing to remember. Love heals.
I have recently been guided to assist in others' healing differently. I used to imagine them perfectly healthy in the way my mind understood perfect health, no pain, no illness, strong, vibrant and flexible, but really it is none of my business. It is between them and their higher selves/inner beings as to what is healthy for them.
Instead I have been guided to go inward to connect more thoroughly with my own vibrant eternal energy (or as much as I can sense) and through that connect with the part of the eternal energy /god that is them; kind of like a booster. However that sorts out in their body is up to their contract, beliefs, limitations, desires, etc.
It helps me ground and expand and calm. It helps me reconnect with my own self-love. It keeps me very neutral as to what happens with their energy (and mine). And I can assist in a very small way in revitalizing their energy and connection with it. It is a win win.
So you have your ‘story’ – this happened and that happened – that you thought defined you. Used to be when you told it you were angry, hurt, outraged, depressed. You told it again and again; sometimes for sympathy, sometimes to ease the hurt. It seemed to be embedded in who you were. Then you cried, you screamed, you analyzed, and you did therapy, maybe even some inner child work. You tried every meditation and energy healing you could afford. One day when you were either with a new therapist or getting to know someone new as you told your story it sounded like someone else’s. You didn’t react to it at all. You might have even stopped talking right in the middle of a sentence because even though it technically is a true story, it no longer seems like YOUR story.
The clues of this change were there all along. You might have lost interest in some of your friends or activities that you used to love. Your eating habits might have changed. Your desires, goals and reactions have also changed, probably surprising you as there was no warning before you just were different. .But then you really noticed it when repeating the ‘story’, perhaps for the last time.
We are energetically restructuring which is causing not only physical changes but huge emotional and spiritual ones too. As you grow you outgrow your ‘story’.
Now, what’s next?
Mindfulness, exploration, maybe even quiet satisfaction are what’s next. What is fundamentally important to you is changing – or being revealed. It is now safe to discover your true nature. You may be surprised. Take your time, let it bubble up from within. You will notice the signs. Your reactions may continue to change. For sure your intuition will get stronger. No matter what it will be a lovely and grand adventure beyond what your thoughts could create.
Sometimes moving to new levels of being take a lot longer and create a lot more turmoil than we want. I started a shifting process last November that culminated 2 days ago (thank G’D). During it I had a lot of health issues pop up, including needing surgery. The last piece of the inner shift happened after doing a very hard physical job 7 days in a row, ending the week with a LOT of anxiety and restlessness. As more time passed last month and week, I also became angrier and angrier with my life (or at least that is how my mind interpreted it). On Friday, I took some St John’s Wort and Rescue Remedy, tried calling two people who can usually help me (but were unavailable), and finally, f i n a l l y, settled down to love up the part of me that was so agitated.
Instead of finding an inner child or ego part that needed love I found a higher aspect of me that was waiting for me. It showed as a male. I knew immediately that it was a wiser, higher vibrational aspect of me, although for some reason it amused me that my mind interpreted it as male. I thought all I needed to do was merge with it. I tried but it remained unintegrated so I stepped back. I then calmed down enough to listen.
I discovered most of my agitation and not feeling loved or supported in the past few weeks was due to my disconnection from the deeper/higher aspects of me. Some part of me was ready to connect/integrate but other parts have not been. I understood this during previous shifts but forgot in the midst of my latest phase of agitation. There was some other knowledge imparted to me and then this higher being of mine/and the ‘me’ I was identifying with were ready to integrate. First I saw myself walk into its light and then I began to feel. It was a warm slide of yummy energy into my awareness; a spread of inner satisfaction. I wallowed in the bliss for a little while, then became aware of how quiet it had become. When I have all that agitation from not hearing or listening to my higher guidance, or because I am getting ready to shift or because something is going on in the human mass consciousness that is affecting me it is very psychically noisy. After this integration it became quiet. Two days later it is still quiet.
Two days later I am still not irritated or triggered by having to work a job I do not love to earn barely enough money to have a roof over my head and a car to drive. I am not as angry, anxious or panicky like I was in March. There is much inner satisfaction. I am now in a rest period and am able to put more energy into being more physical (to exercise again and to get back to a craft project that I love). I love these kinds of experiences.
I am being intuitively guided in a direction for a way to earn money and a way to approach my health. I am listening. I don’t like either way, but I am listening and accepting. I am listening to the direction AND the pace. I am not struggling or pushing right now. I am accepting. I cannot even begin to tell you how different that is for me.
15 years ago when I also felt lost and my health was bad (really bad – like cancer bad) I actually was guided towards the EXACT SAME direction. I didn’t listen for different reasons. I deliberately chose to go in a different direction and it has taken 15 years of very hard work to get back to the place of really knowing what is in perfect alignment for me. I do not know if it is the wisdom of aging or just tired of fighting but I am also very willing to be carried along rather than barge ahead.
Now I am loving myself up from the shame and incredible upset that I derailed myself for 15 years. I am healing from the shame of not listening before when so many hints and signs were given to me. I am loving the me that was so ego filled I couldn’t accept even as I struggled to get a spiritual healing business going (OY!!).
I thank God and myself for all the inner healing that I have demanded, allowed and received. I am listening and allowing - and very relieved and hopeful.
I have been going through some intense energetic/spiritual ‘upgrades’ since January with the intensity hitting a fevered pitch in May (as it has for most everyone else). Then last week I became everything for a short period of time.
I once read another accounting of the same thing but until I actually experienced it, I had no idea how it could possibly feel. My conscious awareness expanded so much that I could not feel any physical (and much of the energetic) boundaries whatsoever. I couldn’t feel my body, the phone or the bed. The person on the other end of the phone became another aspect of me. The best part was how freeing it felt. I wasn’t worried about anything on this earth. It was quiet, peaceful and comfortable.
From that level anything was/is possible. I found my friend’s energy signature and just loved her. When I work with someone psychically I ‘see’ what is going on in my mind’s eye even as I know what to assist with next. There was no need for this session. I became every aspect of the energy that was shifting and the part that was not. When I say I found her, I didn’t see her psychically, I touched (as in became aware of and felt) her soul signature and the aspect which individuated into the body. I experienced it as an intensification of my energy/awareness; a tiny flare of joy. She experienced it as a fast/intense and painful upgrade in the energy in her body. You know, one of those spiritual growth things that seems a little fast for the body and the body resists with pain and uncomfortableness.
To me it felt like this lasted 5 minutes but in the human world 2 hours passed. I was able to talk the whole time although trying to describe what was happening was very difficult as my mind wasn’t always on board with what was going on (probably why I was able to stay in that energetic space for so long). We had long periods of silence where what needed to happen just did. I wasn’t trying to trust, I became the vibration of trust.
The next few days were odd as in it felt very different to be focused on the physical world and everyday life. It took me a few days to come all the way back to my body and when I did some old limiting emotions/agreements/energy also flowed up and out to heal. This was so deep that I then became very uncomfortable while it was happening. But it is energy I have wanted to heal/release for years, so YAY!!
Now my intuitive guidance for the past two days has been to rest. Just be. Allow a settling in from all the changes. I am not good with resting but I am allowing it this time.