I know I have said and written it before – when it is time to let go of something or someone and I just can’t do it, the universe makes it happen for me. Most of the time I am not aware of WHY I am being intuitively guided to let go.; sometimes there is so much more going on than I realize.
Recently had an incident with a client where it was time to let go but I just couldn’t get settled about it. It took me a long time to actually do it and, really, she was the one that let go. But once it was done my gut was churning. I was making up all kinds of reasons why in my head – I felt the need to save her, I felt like I had let her down, I felt angry that she expected me to continue doing what she wanted because she had been a client for a long time and paid a lot of money for the work I had done (as if that meant I owed her), I felt I had let myself be manipulated, I felt guilty because she doesn’t seem to have any other support, etc etc.** All of that may be true but these emotions were just results, not the cause of the inner churning.
Turns out there was a very constrictive (and old) band of energy around my waist squeezing me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. My relationship with this person and her energetic attachments had triggered it and even had some cords connecting to it. It was a rather intense process to let it go and to allow healing. I don’t have all the info yet, and may never get it, but it should result in more sovereignty (neutrality) around clients and other individuals in my life with similar energy/emotional fields. I am hoping this healing will help me to create and maintain deeper and more intimate relationships.
I am glad I was able to get clear enough to pay attention and allow. I am also grateful for the help I received from a friend (thanks Diane).
** Please note I am also aware all those feelings/assumptions are/were totally MY issues.
Yesterday when I woke up, I felt a little bit depressed, body in pain, a little hopeful about my future, excited about a new project, comfortable, curious about the day, slightly anxious about my immediate need for new housing, etc. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And it is ok.
We are magnificent beings of light. Light that includes many different frequencies of energy as well as many different emotions. The trick for me is to remember none of them actually conflict with any other. They can and do all exist at the same time, I am just not always consciously aware of that. Yesterday I was particularly sensitive to it.
So I chose. I chose to stay simple. I chose and continune to choose to stay as present as possible, focusing on the new project and some writing I want to get done. All the spiritual clearing, experiences and visions aren’t any good to me if I can’t feel good in my everyday life. So that is what I choose.
I have been taking time each day to love each part of my body and then the whole. I say the words and I thank it but I also send love from my heart. When I started doing this, this time around, I had to focus on my body being part of my soul’s energy. Now I can just look at and think of the physical body.
I have done this a few other times and only resulted in bringing up a lot of anger and judgment, along with a large dose of hurt from my body. I also couldn’t actually feel love for my body; I could only say the words.
This time I was hoping for some physical healing. While I haven’t experienced that yet I have had some other wonderful results. I no longer have the constant inner voice making negative comments about my body, and there is no more sarcasm or self-depreciation. I am more relaxed and I feel more open-hearted. I know it took quite a bit of inner healing to get here but I am so GLAD I did it. The key is to FEEL the love and appreciation.
*PS thanks to my magical friend Arline for her recent reminder of this process.
Every Day Magic occurs when you get to see/know/feel the eternal flow of life/god/the universe in your everyday life (insert the words that fit you best). You can be aware of it in many ways. It shows up when you are no longer angry at your unrewarding job, when you stay neutral or even loving in the presence of someone who used to push your buttons or when those magical moments of serendipity show up showering love and sparkles in your life. I also find it when I am internally prodded – pushed even – to create a luscious piece of art, or write something where the words just flow with no interruption or doubt from me, or I get an idea to let go of a particular job I don’t want to do anyway in spite of my worry about having enough money and then something I love doing, and pays, shows up.
I have been focusing on accepting what I do now for work – I clean vacation rental houses part time just to earn enough money for my life – and shining as much loving light on each house as I clean, as well as loving myself more and more. In the past few weeks I notice that I am no longer dreading cleaning any place, I don’t get angry when I am there and I don’t cry because I can’t find anything else to earn money with that is closer to my heart. I just go, clean and leave. THIS IS A HUGE CHANGE and breakthrough for me. It took a lot of inner work but I am able to recognize the magic of it.
This is not the dramatic magic that people experience when huge visions come or huge shifts are made overnight. It is the every day magic of integrating your higher self, your true self, into your body and, well, your every day life.
I make art because it makes me happy. I follow my intuition’s nudging as to which kind of crafting or art I engage in. Last September I covered the roof of my car in beads and ‘acrylic gems’. Every single time I look at my car I am happy. I get a lot of positive feedback from others on how it touches their hearts and inspires them. It was a lovely thing to do for my heart and soul and for others.
Recently someone mentioned that I need a lot of attention, probably left over wounds from the lack of decent parenting, in a very judgmental and matter of fact way. I was hurt for a short period of time that this person felt like I still act like a victim and act out because I want attention. I have done a lot of work and shifting on that and love myself more than ever. I guess I wanted to be seen for who I am now and I was hurt by her judgment of me. She is someone I have loved deeply her whole life (literally).
I forgot, although for only a short time, that people can only see me through THEIR filters. My love of bright, bold colors and things and my living out loud (sharing all parts of me without shame) is part of loving me and being who I am in this world. It is part of my service to this world. This other person has withdrawn a lot in recent years because her new religious group thinks women should be seen and not heard (and preferably not seen either) and that people are basically the dirt under which God walks (my interpretation, certainly not her words). I also forgot I don’t need her approval.
I can appreciate the realization that I do love myself more than ever and that her judgment is hers, has nothing to do with me. I also appreciate my deeper knowledge that these bright colors and living out loud satisfy my soul and are in alignment with my purpose on earth. So I thank her for her part in guiding me to that realization and for showing me some more healing that I could allow. Another step in my ever-developing self-love process.
Tips to navigate an everyday life in the physical world while such intense inner changes are still occurring - even after YEARS of this stuff.
Daydream about my fantasy perfect life – the more outlandish the better this works for me.
Sit in a hot tub – even in the overly chlorinated one at the YMCA near me.
Sit on a bench by the ocean.
Once in a while, walk by the ocean or in a heavily treed area.
Meditate – best way for me is by the ocean or in a copper pyramid.
Bless everyone I can think of, whether I know him/her or not (Trump gets lots of blessings).
Expand my awareness into the energy of Love that I know I am (i.e. letting myself feel it).
Just put one foot in front of another and doing the work I do to earn some income – just move.
Skip along a sidewalk or street - singing outloud or to myself. Just be silly.
Write a journal entry with every little thought that passes through my head.
Make art that expresses how I feel or doesn’t. The sillier the better for me.
Read distracting books – the more outlandish (usually funny or sci fi) the better this works for me.
Go to the movies. A friend of mine watches old sitcoms.
Get on the computer and scroll through some favorite websites – Huffingtonpost or youtube.
Call friends who will talk nonsense until I feel better or who have some healing affinity and can help me calm.
Sleep when I am pulled into it – even in the middle of the day – or accepting when I cannot sleep at night.
Thank everyone who has ever crossed my path, including spirits and energy beings.
Write blogs or Facebook entries that I know others will read.
Breathe heavily and loudly.
ASK MY GUIDES AND HGHER SELF AND THE UNIVERSE TO MAKE IT EASER - then thank them for doing it.
Everything in your life is there to support me in one way or another. I find for me growth comes from most of it. I have really wanted to release, or at least accept in a non-emotional way, shame and drama in my life. So what happens? All sort of circumstances contribute to ‘helping’ me by digging up whatever shame is there.
For instance, I have been struggling (and struggling and struggling) with some food issues. It started when I was very young and fat, although today I would LOVE to weigh what I did when I thought (and was called) fat when I was younger. Now I have brittle diabetes and STILL cannot stop eating the carbs/sugars/processed foods that contribute to my ill-health. It is true diabetes runs in the family but food choices can make managing it easier. I have been ashamed about a lot of circumstances in my life – my low income, my loneliness, the way I earn money now, and the way I eat. I have accepted most of it most of the time but these days the food/health is up strongly. Plus I have had this inner belief that I can heal from anything so what is ‘wrong’ with me that I cannot heal this health issue or the addiction to foods that make the health issue even worse? I find I am ashamed about it.
I know today’s focus is loving the part of me feeling very ashamed and like a victim because I can’t last even one day without eating inappropriately (no simple carbs/sugar or processed foods). I am also trying to love the part of me that feels I need to be so restricted and therefore deprived in order to be somewhat healthy. This involves tapping into the love that I know I am so I can feel satisfied and safe.
All part of the self-acceptance, self- love journey I (and all of us) are on.
I got up today early enough, ate, got dressed and went to a water mind/body movement class. Seems pretty mundane right? But for weeks I couldn’t get myself there. I would remind myself I should go, that I needed to go then proceed to beat myself up a little for not going. It all felt like I was fighting myself. Not today. Today – smooth as pie.
I am finding that with everything in my life. I am not in an energetic, psychic or spiritual place to do what I ‘should’ do to fit in with other people’s expectations or understanding. When I try to make myself some part of me fights back. I recognize that could be coming from my ego or from some inner part that doesn’t want to change for the better but the simple truth for me right now is that if I am not in alignment enough with something – an event, growing a relationship with someone, finding new work – it doesn’t happen.
I have written about this before (maybe once a year, I think) but apparently I keep forgetting because there is so much out there (and inside of me) that says this is the way I should act/be/do. I forget all of that is really marketing or controlling ploys. And I forget how off center I can get when I am going through big changes (like I have been for the past month or so).
I also forget now that I have opened up to so much of my soul being, my intuition comes softer and is more embedded. It isn’t like it used to be where I would hear voices in my head or get a picture of what is right. Now it is a slight pull or thought or a knowing of what is right. I will write more on this later because it is much bigger than this blog. But for today I was reminded again of the ease with which I can proceed if I just pay attention.
And that is my goal for this next phase of my life– more ease, more laughing and more fun
The sun is shining, the waves are loudly rolling in and out, the birds are pecking on the ground looking for food and I am sitting on a bench doing nothing. Well, looking like I am doing nothing. What I am really doing is healing.
I get so focused on healing my body, heling energy that calls to me, clearing houses, doing what I can to make money, helping others feel better about themselves and just better in general, that I forget to take the time needed to be still and allow my own connection to the inner/true me to re-align. I get out of whack when I do too much and forget to just be still. That means no reading, no computer, no phone, no TV (or you tube), no crafting, no talking to others and no thinking about the millions of things I still have to do. It also means no deliberate manipulation of energy or trying to get answers or guidance for me or anyone else. Just taking time.
As I merge more and more of my soul energy with my body – or as I recognize more and more the depth of soul energy accessible through my body (however you view this process) – I need regular time to just be still. It feels as if a thousand hours of healing occurs when I take regular time to be still. I am able to cope with being around all kinds of people and with needing to do so many different things to earn income. I am even able to accept without rancor the need to have so much income just to have some amount of comfort in my life.
These days taking time involves me being outside. I prefer sunshine and the sound/energy of the ocean, as I live very close, and work even closer, to it. There was a time when making art was my taking time but now I need to not be doing at all, just being.
I do not know the direction my life is taking now that so many things have changed and I have moved into a new phase of which I know nothing consciously. I don’t have a sense of purpose right now. I do not know how I am going to continue to be taken care of financially given that I need to make some changes in my work life. I also do not know how I am going to support my body given the health state it is in, the even more sensitive reactions to drugs and the possibility of losing insurance. However, I do know I must take this time to continue functioning at optimal levels physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually and energetically.
Take time in your way.
I was going on about how I felt like a failure at being human, all the bad decisions I had made, and all the things I didn’t like about me. The round and round in my mind was making my head hurt. I was asked to focus on one thing I appreciate/like about myself. I began from my mind stating that I know I have helped many people in many ways. All of a sudden the light broke through the gloom and I became aware of my intense connection with my higher, eternal self. I felt the energy of all, the many energy signatures (spirits) surrounding and encouraging me, the rightness of my knowing, and the alignment with my greater purpose. I lost the irritation/restlessness at being confined in a body.
When I was able to speak again, still in the midst of tears, I spoke with all of that in my heart/body, with the conviction of what truly is. I have fulfilled and continue to fulfill my deepest desire to be of service to others and to the earth in the way that is perfect for me. I have followed the path of my highest joy in learning and exploring the far reaches of my spirit, and allowed my resulting opening to my highest knowing to guide my life as best I can and to help others when they allow.
It was a miraculous moment of remembering myself.
Funny, today (the day after) the things that bothered me before about my body, my finances, my lack of relationships with other humans, just don’t matter as much.