I laugh at myself all the time, particularly when I am trying to make something happen that clearly I am either not aligned with or is not the right time (because I am not aligned with it usually). Additionally, the less drama in my life the more I am in tune with the right timing and alignment.
In January this year I was determined to get my taxes done. I usually wait until the last minute when my resistance and anger is very high to do them. This year I didn’t want to go through that so I was trying to get them done early. I am not saying my approach was different emotionally I just thought different timing would make a difference in how I felt about it (!) I usually start by retrieving the previous year’s taxes. I went through every box I still have that is unpacked, including the one with all the previous taxes – TWICE. I couldn’t find them. I was so frustrated at the time. It didn’t occur to me until 2 weeks later that I was looking for an envelope marked 2015 instead of 2014. Today (in April) I found the 2014 taxes right away. And I began all the prep work for 2015 with no emotion at all, just getting it done.
I have had the same frustration over my lack of interest in putting out a monthly newsletter even though my website says I do and people keep signing up. Then I make myself feel bad for not taking any action and I try to write but nothing comes. Like anything else, I cannot force it.
I do not know what my future holds, I am not even sure what I want in life anymore. I know I continue to expand and evolve and love as best I can. I know I make a difference in many ways even when my ego is wailing that I am useless in the world. AND I know change will come when I am most aligned with it – because I have too many signs in my every day life that it happens that way. Now all I need to learn is to RELAX!!!!!!!!
I have decided to just accept what is right now for me. I have been upset that I no longer have interest in making any arts or crafts. I have also lost interest in a lot of things that used to excite me. I was trying to force myself to find something like that again because I thought something was wrong or missing.
I just decided to accept that this is where I am. I am fairly calm. I am aware of inner change – again. I am aware of less judgment and anger, more peace. A very real blessing.
I a reading more and spending slightly more tie watching tV (can’t really do that for very long). I haven’t been as forceful with myself around exercising or diet. I am in a gentle-to-self phase.
And I accept it (today anyway).
People blossom in their own time, they open to their spiritual wonderful yumminess when it is perfect for them – meaning as they can allow it. I sure have.
So it does no good, and is actually somewhat abusive, for anyone else to shove their impatience at someone they want to change faster. It doesn’t matter if it is in the form of anger, criticism, expressed impatience, judgment or dictatorial orders. It really is none of your business how fast I change. And, one of my pet peeves, Oh My God don’t use the guise of a psychic reading to blast someone with your self-righteousness. If you are reacting in any way other than observation or enjoyment of my being it is YOUR triggers being engaged and not my responsibility. How does that saying go? I don’t have to change so you can feel better – about yourself or me.
For instance, I used to attract or be attracted to women I wanted to make me feel better. I wanted to dump all my problems on them and have them codependently enable me. At the same time these women really wanted the same of me to some degree (naturally, like attracts like) and accused me of all sorts of things when I didn’t meet their needs or left the relationship abruptly, usually after telling me it was all my fault. The problem is/was that I believed them. It is only recently as I am emerging from this behavior pattern that I realize the issue is/was NEVER one sided and that I have been healing all sorts of inner issues around the pattern as time has gone by
I still need to talk about things with others once in a while because I am alone so much of the time and I just process faster that way. But I no longer need to attach myself to someone who I hope will make me feel better. Today I recognized that. I realized I am emerging (don’t you love that word) from so many emotional, psychic and behavior patterns that no longer serve me. I still have some judgment that it took too long for me to enjoy this life (i.e. if it had only happened when I was in my 20’s I might have had a better life). However, I am thrilled to know that there HAS been healing in all this time. Each one of those women played their part in helping me purge/heal old stuff. May God Bless Them. (I am sure I played my part for whatever their inner beings/higher selves wanted them to experience.)
So I am cogitating (another really fun word). My intent is to allow who I truly am to bubble up to the conscious surface, because I Do Not Know. Without all the coping behaviors and emotional patterns I do not know what I like or what I want. I do know I feel most expanded and satisfied when I can feel the sacred connection to my expansive spiritual self. I got to be there for many days just recently. I am allowing that to continue.
P.S. I do note that the further I ascend, integrate my spiritual self into my body, the more others show their judgment of my behaviors with me. It is as if too much light exposes aspects of themselves they don't know what to do with (but are really ready to change), and they lash out (or try to get me to change - adamantly) instead of taking the time to be with themselves. As I sometimes get caught in this old pattern I understand. I just want to be in the place where I recognize it but am not affected by it - more growing for me!!
Such a beautiful feeling – the feeling of reawakening, of opening more to this human life. As my heart delicately flutters open, and I deal with the overwhelming emotions that accompany each step into the expansive me, the adventurer and explorer I thought I was when I was younger is coming out to play more. It is definitely quieter and more mindful, more unencumbered with fear than it was when I was much younger and played at being fearless when I was really trying to escape from massive fear. I feel it as a new child, eyes wide open, heart excited, cautious only because I am being guided step by step by my inner wisdom and higher self so there is no hurrying or harshness or rushing ahead.
I recognized it when I was admiring that strong sense of adventure in another person. In conversation I remembered so many things I tried when I was younger, so much traveling, so much willingness to experience new things jump into the abyss and see what happened. Life slapped me around a bit and I shut down. I felt the sadness of that very deeply tonight. I also immediately knew that I gave myself the time to do a bunch of inner healing and growing in order to flower open again, many years in fact.
Right now I am in a preparation and resting time period. Each day brings new ‘aha’ moments, such as the one when I finally began beading again and realized the addiction I used to have and the high I used to get with art work is gone. I enjoy it as a task to work on when it feels like fun but I connect with my inner divinity, heart and song at any point. I do not need the art for that anymore or as a distraction from a life I don’t want. I have changed a lot. I am so glad I allow the changes to occur even if I don’t recognize that they are occurring.
*PS: Just so you know I have been going through emotional and physical chaos this past week as I teetered on the precipice of allowing myself this next step deeper into self-acceptance and awareness. It was gentler than I have gone through in the past BUT a very recognizeable pattern. I am happy the things that happen to me as I get ready to breakthrough are gentler than before and I now choose to embrace this pattern thoroughly and completely.
I had a wonderful experience today.
One of those fully present days where the weather was just perfect, the sunlight took on an otherworldly luminosity, the wind moving the trees called forth the sacredness in my soul while the intense beauty soothed my eyes, and the ocean waves clapped for joy with each wave lapping the shore. I took a walk - a simple walk - through and into multidimensionality. I appreciated it all. It was such a balm after so much turmoil during the past few months. In that short 25 minutes my mood was lightened and my perception shifted - again.
THANK YOU for lifting me up, for reminding me what is true.
When I raise my vibration everything else becomes secondary. A few days ago I was angry all day, yesterday I was frustrated about my money and health situation. Today I woke up and did some high vibration energy work for 45 minutes to some friends, also raising my own vibration and focusing me on the eternal me rather than my earthly concerns. And the whole day has been 100% better than the previous week.
Today I felt calm, peaceful, trusting and VERY present. I even found my thoughts turning to money – the exact same situation as yesterday – and no fear came up at all. When I am at that level of trust, none of it matters. I am not saying it will all work out the way I want, I am noticing that I just don’t get caught up in worrying about it or fearing around it.
I am so glad my higher-self reminds me in a gentle way that when I raise my vibration (my words for relaxing, letting the beautiful/sacred energies of All That Is flow through me easier and focusing on being open and receptive), none of the rest of it matters and it all flows smoothly and gently.
This is the second reminder I have experienced in the past week on this very subject and the second time I am just as thrilled it was done gently (or I listened while the reminder was still gentle). I tend to struggle to ‘find the balance’ between the spiritual and the earthly stuff (the mundane everyday tasks) but maybe my way of balancing is to be sure my vibrations are raised to the perfect level for me to be calm and trusting, and the rest will take care of itself, provided that I continue to participate in my every day physical living. It certainly seems easier than trying to put equal focus on spiritual pursuits and on physical living, or focusing only on the physical to make sure my financial situation, and possibly my health, continues to improve.
All I know is that I feel like me again.
I have learned that I am not as smart, talented or gifted as I thought I was. I used to make myself feel better by focusing on thinking I was smarter than everyone around me, until I went to a conference where just about everyone in the room seemed smarter than I was/am. I used to take great pleasure in how talented of an artist I thought I was until I was around truly talented and gifted creative people. You get the drift.
This ascension journey has not brought me good health, riches and recognition like I thought it would. It has however ripped away everything my ego hung on to in order to feel better. Somewhere along the way I also seem to have lost a lot of passion for the things and processes that used to motivate me – art, cooking, learning, exploring, shopping, and sex (in my earlier years). I guess that goes hand in hand with separating me from everything outside of me that I used to feel better.
What am I left with?
I am left with the wonder of the eternal me. I am left with the inner joy and appreciation of my soul. My inner being. I am less bitter about how my life has progressed and not having what I think I want. When I am feeling down or caught up in emotions that are very strong because they are healing and leaving, just my own energy and thoughts help me feel better.
I can’t say I am happy but I AM more content.
It is a unique and amazingly blessed experience to feel safe. I grew up feeling very unsafe - always on guard, on edge, angry, defensive etc. VERY recently, after being purged of another level of mother issues, I realized I had no idea what it was/is like to feel safe. Once that kind of realization surfaces it means the healing has already begun. The signs have been there - a rational and professional boss, moving into a home with rational people - but now I am beginning to feel it. <3
IT IS SO DIFFERENT!!!! I don't have all the words yet, but they will come.<3
I am so much more relaxed. I can remind myself easily that things will work out when an something unexpected happens. I am actually aware of how much time I spend NOT feeling anxious. I am able to let go of things that just a week ago worried and frustrated me.
I am so GRATEFUL that some part of me KNEW to keep allowing the inner shifting to be my focus even as my ego was pushing me to go out and DO something.
I even attracted several spiritual counselors/psychics who pushed at me to do something or change my emotions (stop feeling this or that) without any real help on how to change it. Oh plenty of advice but nothing that rang true. I am not someone who has EVER been able to impose my will on myself to change my attitude (ie just think positive, feel the faith again). The underlying emotion or issue has to be healed before true change occurs with me. Until I was able to tap into the energy of feeling safe I was unable to let those old emotions heal. I have also been able to see that I attracted readers who reflected all the old energies coming up for healing (God bless them). It is easier to think more positively now that I feel safer. It is easier to pay attention to when it is appropriate for me to physically do something and when it is just perfect to continue to do nothing. It is easier to be more conciously aware of my connection to my higher self/all that is now.
Sometimes what you think you want is far from what you resonate with. Today I went to visit a potential place to live. It was advertised as a studio connected to a holistic center and the house owner was looking for an assistant also. The location sounded gorgeous – nestled in the trees near a lagoon which in turn is almost right next to the ocean. The owner believes strongly as I do – that we must change the world through bettering our relationship with whatever we call the all-knowing energy of everything (I call it God) and bring that into our everyday lives.
And the longer I sat there and listened to him the more antsy I got. I developed a headache that increased in intensity and I just couldn’t get away. Turns out he wants someone to co create a new program that supposedly has large earning potential rather than hire an assistant, at least 4 other people would be living in the house, the ‘studio’ was actually an older furnished bedroom and bath with a tiny galley kitchen located in the bottom of the house, and the guy talked all around what he was trying to say instead of being direct. More importantly I felt so much sticky energy it was uncomfortable.
On paper (or rather craigs list) it looked perfect but not so. I learned that I am now willing to let go of how I think my next place to live ‘should’ look. I re-remembered the words mean nothing - it is the energy behind it that makes all the difference. I also relearned that if I am not intuitively getting an enthusiastic yes, the answer is no.
Try this: Clasp your hands. Notice which hand has the thumb in between the thumb and forefinger of the other hand (for me it was the right). Now re-clasp your hands differently - with the thumb of the other hand in between the thumb and forefinger of the opposite hand than before (for me so my left thumb is cradled in between the right hand’s thumb and forefinger). OR just brush your teeth with the other hand. Feels weird, maybe even wrong, doesn’t it?
Yet, it expands your perspective and interrupts the same old mind chatter you have had going each day. For those of you trying so hard to be more positive and /or more open to magic and miracles sometimes you just need a little different perspective as your very next step. It doesn’t really work for you, or anyone, to try to just think different thoughts or stop feeling a certain way. That stuff comes from within and takes more inner work than that. Imposing your will on the rest of you just causes problems such as suppression or old patterns and emotions rather than healing.
So what if you just did something differently today? What if you took an extra minute to appreciate the flowers (or stop too throw a snowball) with no expectations except it is something a tiny bit different than you did the day before? Or what if you try to brush your teeth or eat with a different hand, or go a different route to work? This kind of exploration can be really fun and interesting if you don’t have any expectations except to do something differently as often as you think about it. It disrupts the routine of everyday life and of your thoughts. Most people become more mindful, present, and flexible. That allows the universe to work through and with your inner spirit easier.