Today I am sitting with awe and in praise of myself, and all of you lightworkers who are struggling. We remain as open as we can to all the energy changes, giving ourselves wholeheartedly to the integration and awakening process, and shaking off all the judgment from others and even ourselves, all while doing whatever we can to survive in the physical plane of existence. It isn’t easy to balance the need to have income with the intense awakening symptoms but we do it; day after day.
So today I am appreciating us. I am appreciating everything I have done to get from survive to thrive, and everything I continue to as I learn that thriving is a normal state of being. I am thanking all the people who supported me by donating to me, buying things from me, purchasing healing sessions and helping me out. I also appreciate all those who voiced their opinions (sometimes over and over) of how wrong my choices have been or assumed I didn’t know what I was doing for all of that just made me stronger.
Balance is not an easy thing. I am not sure it is even possible to balance a fast awakening with ease in functioning in the human body, especially for those of us without spousal or independent financial support. BUT I believe it is getting easier and more possible as the energies continue to lighten up and we continue to move further into the vibration of love and acceptance.
I remember when I used to say I want to know in every cell of my being that I am God walking in a human body – not just intellectually understand it. For the most part I am there. I thought it would be different, more huge miracles and highs, but mostly what I feel is a satisfied contentment. Of course there are times when I am very frustrated and fearful but those times are less intense and I let it all flow easier. I have also learned to appreciate things the way they are and see all the miracles right in front of me. As I do more of this, the serendipitous abundant events keep occurring. It is true that it doesn’t always happen the way I think or want it to or even understand but there is always movement.
For example, I have been feeling the need to go to a local coffee shop to write for 3 weeks. I resisted because I interpreted it to mean I should be writing the book I never finished and I just didn’t want to. The feeling got stronger. I even tried to write at home – nothing. So I finally went to the coffee shop. I met someone there for a while and then started writing. To procrastinate I spent time talking to the manager and lo and behold I am now going to be doing readings here once a week. They just opened 3.5 months ago. (The urge started almost when the place opened.) I still don’t know if I will be writing (more than blogs that is) but I feel like I followed my guidance. You can be sure I will continue to do so.
I bet your brain has not caught up with the shift in energy. I know mine hasn’t. I know I have released enough, healed enough, integrated enough and expanded enough that my life is just going to flow. Even when unexpected (to my mind) things happen, they will be resolved easily and comfortably as long as I don’t hold on to how I think they should flow. Yet, I noticed I sometimes still worry, a leftover from the old energy of me.
I was lying in bed Sunday night worrying about the leak in my car, doing my best to surrender the anxiety/worry about paying to fix it and figuring out how to get to work, when I heard very clearly (intuitively) that all would be ok with my car, no need to worry and it would be proven to me very soon. Now in all the years I have been doing intuitive energy work for myself and others I have never heard that something would be proven soon. So it relaxed me and I was able to sleep.
The next day after cleaning a house and being very tired I still felt the need to take my car back to the same mechanic who just worked on it for 3 weeks (parts problems) to see if the leak had anything to do with that work. He was so caring. He inspected everything, topped off the transmission fluid and oil, cleaned the whole thing up and didn’t even charge me. It turns out the oil leak I have had for a year and a half got worse but because of the work he did yesterday I don’t have to rush to fix it.
I have been so high since then. After every miracle and serendipitous thing I have experienced I still didn’t 100 % trust I was being taken care of. Now I have no excuse except my own inner ego/craziness.
PS my mechanic is Midas in Encinitas on El Camino Real, in case you want some great service and caring mechanics.
Two days ago I found the exact right place for me to live. When I talked to the homeowner on the phone I knew it. When I went to look at the place, there was no hesitation even though there are a lot of details to still work out. I didn’t even think about it. I just said I would love to live there. Each time the slightest negative thought or worry popped in my head it went right out. Just goes to show – when it is right, when we are in perfect alignment with our higher selves – it is very clear.
I had spent a month looking for a place, whining about how come it wasn’t easy to find like it was in June. Well I listened to someone else’s well-meaning comments that were totally based in fear, I kept trying to make a place right that wasn’t, and all my fears around the incredible downloads and inner shifts were focused on the way I was handling the search. I forgot that I am always guided and provided for.
When I walked into the perfect place I actually had a worry that something was wrong because it was so easy. It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for and there was a time when I could have found a lot wrong (like I have to share a bathroom for the first time in 32 years). However, it was as if my higher self was in total control. I even found people to move me that are affordable. It took one phone call.
This whole experience has been a lovely reminder of how things can be in higher dimensional living IF I ALLOW IT.
When I first had an actual date to move by my intuition told me very clearly to start looking for a place on December 15. So I was clear and confident.
Then about 2 weeks after that (and 2 weeks before the 15th) a friend told me that she had been feeling that if I wait until then there would be no place for me. She also said I would have to rent in the very city I did NOT want to live in. Between her words and some intensely expensive trouble with my car, I became afraid. Let’s not forget that the 12/12 energies were designed to help us feel a lot of love and also to release (ie also feel) a lot of not-love or fear. So it was all good but nerve wracking
I began searching right away. I looked and looked, contacting many different prospective landlords and roommates. I was rejected by almost all and the ones that didn’t reject me I couldn’t stand. Then on the 15th all of a sudden the dam burst loose. I saw one place today and am seeing 4 more tomorrow.
What do you know – my intuition was right!!! I think I will believe myself about my car too (it is still in the shop)- that it will be alright.
Each day this week I have been shown how supported and protected I am. I have been shown the true meaning of abundance – where the support and connection to and from others comes in all forms other than and including money. My head knew it, my intuition expressed it, and my heart felt it and my ego recognized it. For a few days this was enough. Then the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back floated like a magical wand straight into my deep reservoir of not-so-hidden fear in the form of additional, and serious, car troubles.
I got help from a great energy healer and I felt more relaxed and calmer. Later in the evening I psychically saw myself opening to more light, expanding the amount of higher self that was integrating into my body. I felt it physically move through my body. It was if the transformation was so grand that I could not feel that I had a body for a short while.
THEN all that was not this light was exposed. Wave after wave of fear crashed up from wherever it had been suppressed. I was so overwhelmed and miserable. I was beside myself with it, restless, being taken over by it, and crying. I did a lot of yelling (begging) out to God for help. I also recalled quite clearly praying for a breakthrough just the day before (that will teach me).
After doing a lot of deep breathing, I remembered me – who I really am. I reached out for the eternal me – the authentic me, the expanded me and I took a stand. I declared to my ego that I would not use ANY of my coping mechanisms to feel better - no eating, no spending money, no whining on facebook, no going anywhere, and no calling anyone. Instead, I walked into the fear energy.
I felt the rawness of it, the soreness, and how congested and dense it was. I very clearly saw and felt a LOT of spirit guides chanting and helping. It kind of felt like breathing in mist only it was fear. The fear began dissipating the longer I stayed with it. So many visions came to me about the sources of the fear - from descending into being human (I thought I had to take on fear in order to live as human), from my culture/religion, from my father, from my mother, from lovers and friends, and from so many other people and lifetimes. All of it dissolving and transforming. The light expanded. What a relief. Tears of joy. The guides led me deeper into ritual and relaxation. I do not remember the chant or the ritual only that it was there. They murmured to me that NOW I can safely and successfully bring my higher 5D (or 6D) self into my conscious every day human life. Now my life here on earth will be easier.
Exhausted, I can breathe now.
I am finally accepting who I am – a powerful being of light and love; just as everyone is. The trouble is I have felt tremendous guilt at fully accepting anything positive about myself other than my intelligence because it goes against so many inner beliefs, family training and cultural conditioning.
Thank God I have healed most of that. So now I do not have to connect to others from any inner victim or neediness or codependence. I do not have to ‘save’ anyone or play any kind of emotional games to protect myself. I do not have to defend my beliefs or my intuitive knowledge. I do not have to wrap myself in or wallow in worry or anxiety or fear either. I can accept my mercurial emotions as flowing energy and embrace the flow. I am free to be content and happy when others can only see through their egos and misery. I am also more comfortable choosing not to be around those that are more ego driven than balanced with their spiritual/heart selves.
It is very freeing and since freedom is one of my basic desires and requirements, this is fabulous. What a beautiful gift of higher dimensional living.
I am practicing being me. Every day with every inner shift I uncover more and more of who I truly am. I am filling all the emotional and energetic holes with my higher self, the expanded loving and joyful energy of me. It has been an eye opener for sure.
No more illusions. No more pretending to be what I am not. No more obligations, enabling, saying or doing anything just to please someone else or to try to get a tiny bit of my needs met. No more biting my tongue for fear that if I disagree, even the slightest bit, someone won’t like me or pay me what they owe me or they will hurt me. No more merging my energy with others to find out how they are feeling or to anticipate their next several moves so I won’t be hurt or lose a job. No more getting angry at anyone else because I am feeling needy when I haven’t asked for help or they have no idea who I am because I have adjusted my energy to match theirs and/or pretended (not always consciously) to be someone else in order to be liked or to fill the loneliness void. I am now being authentically honest (from my heart) with friends, acquaintances, family members, bosses, and on job applications and in interactions with people while I look for a place to live.
This is a very deep issue for me and stems from a childhood with abusive parents and from other lives, where I learned most of it. In the course of my spiritual wakening I have been intensely healing inner wounds so that I could then put into practice being myself. It has not been gracefully done or consistent. However, I am finally at a point of loving myself enough and knowing that I AM enough so I can be myself with anyone.
The results? I have been rejected a lot lately. It hurts and I am grateful because I am very clear about needing to be me at all times and to only be around people who can honor that. I am basking in my own loving energy, knowing that I am creating a whole new life from it. I feel so light and free!!
As I stood at the window today looking out onto the birds, beautiful foliage and overcast sky, I sent love to myself throughout every moment of my life. It is time to let go of the pain of the past and today loving me seemed to be perfect. I am also allowing an expansion of my heart energy through forgiveness.
I forgive. I forgive myself for years and years of living in emotional pain, not knowing how to let go or heal to get better. I forgive myself for the bitterness and resentment I have had towards aspects of god showing up in human form to help me. Sometimes the ‘help’ was so hurtful it just made the pain worse. I forgive myself for turning to other people over and over for help when I didn’t know how to allow help from within. I forgive myself for choosing at some point and some level of my being to be stuck in such a deep pit of fear and despair that it took a long time to come out of it. I forgive myself for choosing to experience all of that in order to help others once I did come out of it. I forgive myself for the inner sorrow held on behalf of others. I forgive myself for attracting people through this pain and then expecting them to be better than it and pull me up out of it. I forgive myself for not knowing how to extricate myself gracefully from relationships I should never have engaged in (and wouldn’t have if I had listened to my intuitive guidance). I forgive myself for setting my human life up so that I do not fit into any socially accepted category, or any category in a socially acceptable way, in order to ensure great depth and great speed in my spiritual wakening. I forgive myself for all the ill will I have wished on others who had what I did not, who did not understand and got fed up with me or walked away, and those who picked what seems like easier paths in their current human lives. Today I also forgive myself for each and every attack I made upon myself, especially towards my physical body. I forgive myself for each time I didn’t listen to my intuition or for when I thought I was when I allowed my ego to control my emotions and my decisions. I even forgive myself for not being able to be excited about this great change happening in the story of my life.
I love me. It moves me greatly to be able to say/write that and mean it. And I do.
Thank you God for letting me help so many people learn to use their own discernment. I am grateful I could help. I am humbled to have helped.
Now I pray to forgive myself for all of the guilt I still carry because I helped by giving incorrect intuitive information or being afraid of giving them all the information that came to me. I pray to forgive myself for when my own filters and issues got in the way of allowing clarity. I ask for blessings for each person who felt betrayed, tricked, angry and upset at whatever happened in their lives because they trusted me to give them complete and clear information. I know because we are all one that the information and their resulting decisions have all been part of the life paths each of us chose and we were fully guided by our higher selves. I can now accept this.
I choose compassion for me and for them so I may bid the inner guilt a loving and heartfelt Goodbye!! Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.