I found myself crying today; tears of joy and sadness. I am moving into a phase where I am recognizing and KNOWING my worthiness and it is life changing. Actually, all the inner changing came first through the immense and intense spiritual growth and ascension I have been experiencing consciously for 26 years.
I have spent so much time swinging from being codependent and people pleasing to deeply angry and possibly even manipulative to get some attention or some support from others. It was my way of disconnecting and shielding myself from vulnerability. It was what I came into this life with and had strengthened by the abusive interactions with family and then others. It also helped with the lack of energy boundaries and strong empathy.
As I have learned to be sovereign with my energy and released/healed old karmic issues (from biological and soul family, and ‘other’ lives), I have been able to see/sense the expansive, uplifted, loving parts of me easier. I can feel my connection to divinity better.
Now I am more peaceful inside. There is a lot less drama/trauma/intensity in my everyday life. For the first time I can understand the concept of appreciating the small everyday things because I am calm enough (the inner chaotic psychic noise is quiet enough) to actually notice. It is easier to be more grounded in my everyday life while being aware of my divinity. The tears were for the sheer joy of this, the feeling of my heart opening even more, and the healing sadness for when this was not true for me in my life.
I am sitting with the discomfort of how different this feels and the worry that the peace won’t last, even as I embrace the satisfaction of connectedness to the divine all.