It has been a frantic week of me trying to connect with the part of me that just cannot accept myself. My emotions and blood sugar have been all over the place as I alternate between frustration, determination, denial and begging.
Someone else reached out to me for help with her situation and in the midst of helping her I was able to find the part of me so weakened and depressed that no matter how much healing I have done it would never have been enough without healing this part of me too. In my vision it looked like an adult version of me slumped in a chair with all kinds of tubes (that looked like branches) jammed into me sucking away my life force. I had to release all those on the other end of those branches/tubes (ancestors, teachers, various people who wanted help, family, soul family etc) and begin to help this part of me heal before the tubes would disappear. I also had to really love up the part of me that was healing because it hurt to let go of those tubes. In my vision it was a physical hurt, in the part of me more aware it was emotional.
This part of me is so depleted all I can do is love her and allow all kinds of nourishment to be offered. In the meantime the area she (this part of me) was held is dissolving as I allow this deep shift. First the tubes all disappeared, then the chair, and now the area of the vision that was created to hold all of this is dissolving. It is different than other deep shifts in that I do not feel elated about it. I am cautious and as soft and loving as I can be. This is something very deeply embedded and created in other lives and through the soul family.
I did such a good job trying to deny this part of me and to put so many layers between her and my conscious awareness that it took this long to find her. She is depleted and sad at the neglect, the fact that no matter how much was taken from her it wasn’t enough to help others the way she thought it would and that she was trapped in this by someone she believed in and loved (a teacher of mine but mostly ME).
In m y visions she still looks very very sick and depleted but she is not losing any of her energy right now. I know she will be offered as much of my healing and regenerating energy as she can handle until she can re-integrate. I am grateful to be shown this and be guided on how to allow healing.